Things are bad... (Long Post)

[Guest]

I read your thread while searching on this site for issues I am dealing with.

 

First, being a christian, loving Jesus, does not make us immune from feelings, needs, wants, desires exc... he has been my everything for many years and yet I myself am struggling with feeling for another man, and I have been married for 15 years with kids. I have also been in the ministry and am ordained.

 

My husband and I went through therapy several years ago and I am a mental health professional (who can't spell and depends on spell check). This one thing I can tell you. If your wife is saying she does not want to go to therapy to address issues, wether hers or yours, you are waisting your time. I am talking about a real therapist, not the pastor or someone on staff. You need someone that does not know you and can be objective. I spiritualized my problems for years and it took a real therapist to get to the bottom of my stuff.

 

In the 23 pslam, David says, "He restores my soul". It is a process, it does not happen over night. As humans we all need restoring in areas of our soul, but until we can admit it and allow God to use what ever means are available, we can stay "un restored", for lack of a better word. Your wife has issues. I had issues that I was not aware of and my husband took the initiative to go to therapy.

 

I told him I was not going because I was "healed" of my stuff. Well, he got out there (an intensive out patient place) and the therapist calls me and asks me if I love my husband. I said, "yes of course". He asked if I was willing to come to therapy in order to help HIM. I was willing to do that because I cared about him and thought he had all the problems. I quickly realized that I was the one with the real problems. I continued on after he left.

 

I can feel your pain and dissapointment just reading your words. I know what it is like as a christian to have these feelings and thoughts that conflict with my belief system.

 

Loving the Lord as I do, I would not stay in a marriage if my husband was not willing to work on it. It would not be a popular choice and my friends, most of them, might not understand, but I am trying to be honest with myself these days. God knows our heart, he knows our weaknessess, he knows everything about us (where can we hide from him, he knew us when we were in our mothers womb) and yet he still loves us and allows us to be vessels of love and healing for others, despite ourselves.

 

Divorse is not the ultimate sin, although the church would have many believe it is. I too believe that it is not Gods best and there are clearly scriptural loopholes for it, it is all a bunch of legal crap in my opinion.

 

If your wife had an emotional affair, it was just as much an affair as if it had been physical, in my opinion and experience. An affair of the heart is more serious in my opinion than the act of sexual intercourse and often more difficult to stop.

 

I hope and pray for both of you that your wife will chooce to go to therapy. Many people decide to stay in a one sided relationship for various reasons and perhaps you will have the grace to do that. I would not.

 

As for my situation, my husband knows about it and is helping me work through it. I love him so very much and yet allowed my heart to go elsewhere. I think as humans we have the capacity to love more than one person and that it why we are instructed through the scriptures to "guard our hear". I did not guard mine, but will not make this mistake again.

 

This seems to be a good place for feedback of all sorts. Ultimately you will have to make some decisions.

 

Peace to you....

[mental_traveller]

She broke her marital vows a long time ago by cheating and then no longer loving you. What you have isn't a marriage, it's a joke. You've tried your best, with speaking to the pastor and reading the book with her, and she totally blew up and refused to do even that small thing. She obviously has *no* interest in you, no love for you, no interest in the marriage, and is rather blase about the future happiness of your child.

 

You've done all you could, I suggest you just accept the painful reality and have an amicable divorce. I don't see how it can be wrong to leave when your partner stops loving you, deliberately makes your life hell, and will not even make a token effort to make you happy. She's insincere and lied when she took her marriage vows. Get rid of her as quickly and cleanly as you can, then you can make peace with yourself & your religious conscience.

 

Next time, don't marry so quickly. It takes more than a quick meeting to know if someone is truly compatible, a soulmate. What you felt at first was not love, it was just attraction. Subsequent events have demonstrated that, unfortuantely. We live and learn.

 

As for your child, don't worry so much about her. Kids at that age are adaptable - she will be upset for a while but will get over it eventually. Better that you divorce now while she is young, then force her to endure another 14 years of marital hell. It would put her off marriage for life!

[enoughisenough]

You give respect to get respect.

Everyone on here has acted like children. To side with one or another is really hypocritical.

Record was equally as filthy in her language and petty ignorant attacks and I'm surprised this board doesn't delete these stupid arguments that digress from the topic at hand.

Excuse me but I know several people who dropped out of high school and it wasn't because of their intelligence level. It's because they ran away from an abusing home or had to work at a young age to support their ill parents. You hurt other people who are reading these boards, not just one or two people. Think before you speak.. that goes to everyone I guess. Get off your high horses and gain some humility for pete's sake.

[Mary3]

You give respect to get respect.

Everyone on here has acted like children. To side with one or another is really hypocritical.

Record was equally as filthy in her language and petty ignorant attacks and I'm surprised this board doesn't delete these stupid arguments that digress from the topic at hand.

Excuse me but I know several people who dropped out of high school and it wasn't because of their intelligence level. It's because they ran away from an abusing home or had to work at a young age to support their ill parents. You hurt other people who are reading these boards, not just one or two people. Think before you speak.. that goes to everyone I guess. Get off your high horses and gain some humility for pete's sake.

 

I painstakingly started back at the very beginning of this post to address the idea that everyone on here was acting like children. I would have to say I disagree and many members posted some valuable advice , some based on their experiences and some offering the best they could.

 

I DID notice that one poster started to say very unfavorable things to Record Producer and that seemed to start the chain reaction of tit vs tat back and forth. Then later in the posts another poster chimed in about RP. I don't know the extent of her marraige ( and any problems ) but really we are here to help the OP.

 

Why not just open a blog site so you can attack eachother ? The LS site should be a place of help for those suffering and we should never lose sight of that.

 

This is not about grievances you have with eachother. This is about helping the OP.

 

I still stand by my advice that OP's wife is not emotionally available to her husband in many respects and has temporarily * checked out * for awhile. Whether this is salvagable is up to them both and remains to be seen...

[enoughisenough]

I painstakingly started back at the very beginning of this post to address the idea that everyone on here was acting like children. I would have to say I disagree and many members posted some valuable advice , some based on their experiences and some offering the best they could.

 

I DID notice that one poster started to say very unfavorable things to Record Producer and that seemed to start the chain reaction of tit vs tat back and forth. Then later in the posts another poster chimed in about RP. I don't know the extent of her marraige ( and any problems ) but really we are here to help the OP.

 

Why not just open a blog site so you can attack eachother ? The LS site should be a place of help for those suffering and we should never lose sight of that.

 

This is not about grievances you have with eachother. This is about helping the OP.

 

I still stand by my advice that OP's wife is not emotionally available to her husband in many respects and has temporarily * checked out * for awhile. Whether this is salvagable is up to them both and remains to be seen...

 

 

That's exactly why I don't understand LS wouldn't delete irrelevant squabbles. It's hurtful and offending and really just fuels more hate. I really don't care who started it; to fuel the fire in the manner she and the other poster did is intolerable for me and very hateful. Her calling people ugly, losers, jealous and stupid is very below the belt to me and it actually lacks a lot of class to say those things. It just shows who these people really are inside. It's actually quite sickening when I think about it. Moderators should delete the garbage but they don't.

[Mary3]

That's exactly why I don't understand LS wouldn't delete irrelevant squabbles. It's hurtful and offending and really just fuels more hate. I really don't care who started it; to fuel the fire in the manner she and the other poster did is intolerable for me and very hateful. Her calling people ugly, losers, jealous and stupid is very below the belt to me and it actually lacks a lot of class to say those things. It just shows who these people really are inside. It's actually quite sickening when I think about it. Moderators should delete the garbage but they don't.

 

I agree with you that I found it upsetting to see this happen here. Maybe I should become a Moderator I already am one on Hot or Not

 

But realistically remove the LS factor and you have someone who is being attacked and has reacted.

 

Take it to the streets and ask yourself if you would not have reacted back ?

 

It does not belong here I agree 100%.

 

Perhaps there is a solution outside of Love Shack to share hateful sentiments of one another ?

[enoughisenough]

I agree with you that I found it upsetting to see this happen here. Maybe I should become a Moderator I already am one on Hot or Not

 

But realistically remove the LS factor and you have someone who is being attacked and has reacted.

 

Take it to the streets and ask yourself if you would not have reacted back ?

 

It does not belong here I agree 100%.

 

Perhaps there is a solution outside of Love Shack to share hateful sentiments of one another ?

 

 

You are right. I would have reacted back but to lash out against a person's appearance or characterize someone as stupid or lacking in "cerebal capacity" just because they had a difference in opinion on my marriage that I decided to publicize on a forum showcases a very lofty and distasteful temperament. But a person generally relates their own insecurities onto others, so maybe she has issues within herself too in those areas. Pretty arrogant and hateful and arrogance + conceit to that magnitude is sickening. The reason she garners the sympathy + defensiveness from others is only because she has formed relationships and has been around a while that's why I felt it was unfair for people like mental or whoever to go on a tirade against others when their "pal" has done more if not worse to "cross the line" here. Who the hell do these people think they are? Ok, maybe that's crossing the line too, but right now I don't care. You don't treat people like crap in such a disgustingly childish manner and then expect to be respected.

I see some vicious things on here and I don't come often because of this and the seemingly childish cliques. I don't know how anyone can get a clear head or feel better about themself on this board when this is all that is displayed sometimes and there seems to be no moderators fixing the probs.

Must be nice to have had such a perfect childhood like record to encourage and provide the great education she might have had etc but not all people are so lucky. Would you know what it's like to be beaten with a piece of wood or metal by your parents sometimes on the head even forcing you to either run away or suffer daily and possibly one day die if having to endure this for much longer? Probably not. Get over yourself! That's all I have to say. Excuse my anger, but it hurts me that such a mean-spirited person can say things like that about people especially when it's similiar to someone I know and love who's been through bad times and ignorant people have the audacity to make such judgment calls about another person when they don't know anything about them or their background. I guess I'm not one for judging soley on how much FORMAL EDUCATION someone received, RICH or ATTRACTIVE someone is, but by drive, character and basic human decency. And the latter two you can't find much of these days unfortunately.

I've never found one forum or newsgroup or anything online where people don't swear or bad-mouth eachother. It's sickening what humanity is turning into. Just a bunch of hateful people.

 

As for the original poster, so I am not completely disrespectful to his problems by digressing onto other issues, you sound like you have a normal marriage. Ok, j/k there.

But really, it sounds like the only thing keeping you there is your religion which is very honorable indeed. But it will be easier for kids to adjust to a "broken home" the younger they are. Especially if it's before 3 or 4 or even a little older, they are likely not to remember much of what it was like with mommy and daddy together in a few years. Your wife is pushing you away. And you are tempted to bed another woman. Counseling everyone seems to push on these boards. I don't know how good that is since I hear many times the counselor will just side with the woman or even the person who's had the affair. Nevertheless, this is your marriage and you owe it one last shot to see if there is anything left to hold it together. She has to make an effort too and you need to figure out her reasons for becoming so detached. Counseling and if that doesn't work, I guess it's time to figure out how much longer you can last in the hell you are in.