jackmerridew Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Hi guys, I'm new to the forums. I've been dating my girlfriend for more than a year now. She's 19 and I'm 25. This has never happened to me before, so please bare with me. I just found out my girlfriend plans to see this guy she used to sleep with before she met me, and she hasn't told me. Granted, she knows it will upset me, especially since I know this guy to be a real sleazeball who only wants action. Another thing: I'm probably not supposed to know this. I accidently saw a txt message from him about them meeting up next week as I was perusing her phone for a number I needed (we live together). The txt message asked her if she was "down for some fun," which I know what that means because he's used that line before. She didn't reply. So am I being unjustifiably paranoid? Should I feel disturbed? How should I bring this up when I'm allegedly not supposed to know? I'm very confused guys, because I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or not. My first reaction is always to blame myself, but I can't help but feel horrible. Help me out?
Pyro Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 But if she hasn't responded to the text, how do you know that she is meeting up with him? She could have just blew him off. You may be jumping to conclusions on this one. On the flip side of the coin, she is still getting texts from her ex a year later?
norajane Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Do you know where they are meeting? Perhpas you can surprise them there. I'd be upset if I were you, mostly because she is keeping this a secret from you.
Author jackmerridew Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 I'm sorry let me clarify, she DID respond to the text asking them to meet up, and she said "of course." she didn't respond to the wanna have some fun comment. so she's already made a commitment to see him. and clarification, this isn't even an exboyfriend. it's just some guy she was sleeping with. as a matter of fact, she was cheating on her boyfriend back then with this fellow. I don't know him personally, but I know him well enough to know that he is someone only out for the sex. I have no idea where they're meeting at. She's a very young girl, and I love her from the bottom of my heart. We live together and through the short time we've been together we've been through a lot. Heck I moved to Hawaii for her (well, moving to Hawaii is never really a horribe thing anyway). But she's young and I don't think she'll understand where I'm coming from. She'll more than likely turn around and call me insecure and possessive, which she's done before when I asked her not to have dinner with this guy who we both know likes her, flirted with her before I told his ass to back off, and likes to take advantage of girls. I'm always the loser in these arguments. It's just that it doesn't happen all the time, which makes me think the good outweighs the bad. But yeah, I'm more upset that she hasn't brought this up to me, especially since I've expressed my dislike for this fellow. I'd be more comfortable if I tagged along with them, even though that might be uncomfortable as well. But then she'll turn it back to me and say that I'm not giving her her space. But this is a guy whom she slept with, and apparently still wants to sleep with her! But you guys think I should bring it up anyway, just so it doesn't eat me up inside? I'll just admit that I snuck through her phone, and apologize for coming off as insecure.
Pyro Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Do you know when they plan on meeting up? After she comes home that night, ask her where she was and see what she says, or before she leaves you can ask where she is going. If she lies, then do what you got to do.
VinaAmez Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 But then she'll turn it back to me and say that I'm not giving her her space. Sorry but needing space, doesn't mean being able to meet some ex **ck buddy. And you said she cheated on her ex bf with this guy? This guy sounds like bad new and I wouldn't feel guilty about you not wanting her to see him.
Author jackmerridew Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 Well I told her what I saw. The thing is, the number didn't have a name attached to it, but I already know its his number. But I politely apologized for looking through her txts, and I asked her whose number that was. She turned it back on me and said that she's breaking up with me. But now she just txted and said she loves me and wants to talk. *sigh* And she still hasn't answered my question about whose number it is. She's making me feel guilty for looking at her texts, which she considers a mortal sin in relationships. I guess I'll just have to wait until after she gets back from work. The only way I can see this working out now is if she forgives me for looking at the texts, and apologizes for not telling me about their planned "meeting," and that she didn't think it would piss me off, and that she won't see him, or that I tag along. Mind you she's very young, so I don't think she quite understands what it takes to be in a mature relationship.
TheSwordfish Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 My advice: DUMP this girl RIGHT NOW! She cheated on her ex with this guy and she gets mad beause you read a textmessage with a clear sexual content. Do the math! If it was a bed buddy before, why would she meet him to chitcat and stuff? For my own research: What point is it in her cycle?
EC Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 wow..ok Im a good girl know..but back when I was not in a happy relationship and was cheating..something similar happened to me. Well my bf went through my phone..and saw a similar text..I was to meet up with an ex and my new bf found out. I was so upset that I had been caught that my natural reaction was to counter his 'attack' by flipping it on him and getting mad at him for 'invading my privacy' and making him feel bad. Now granted you should not be going through her texts!!! But you did and you found something. Number 1 she is in a relationship and should not be even writing back to her ex LOVER because I dont think she would appreciate you doing it. Right? Secondly she agreed to meet up and didnt tell you about it. Then when you do tell her you happened to read it she quickly goes into defense mode. Sign of guilt? I dunno she sounds very flaky..Shes does have a record of cheating before and she is still young compared to a 25yr old. I would seriously ask yourself who is in the wrong here? And do you have time for games in your life?
norajane Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Well I told her what I saw. The thing is, the number didn't have a name attached to it, but I already know its his number. But I politely apologized for looking through her txts, and I asked her whose number that was. She turned it back on me and said that she's breaking up with me. But now she just txted and said she loves me and wants to talk. *sigh* And she still hasn't answered my question about whose number it is. She's making me feel guilty for looking at her texts, which she considers a mortal sin in relationships. I guess I'll just have to wait until after she gets back from work. The only way I can see this working out now is if she forgives me for looking at the texts, and apologizes for not telling me about their planned "meeting," and that she didn't think it would piss me off, and that she won't see him, or that I tag along. Mind you she's very young, so I don't think she quite understands what it takes to be in a mature relationship. Don't let her make such a big deal about you looking in her phone. The REAL problem is that she had something she was hiding - this other guy.
DanielMadr Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Lets make sure, she doesnt forget her toothbrush and other things when she is leaving. If she really goes she has no loyalty, no respect, no love for you then. Dump her without drama. And make sure you are more 'fun' next time.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Classic blameshifting behaviour. She's cheating on you. If she wasn't hiding something from you, she wouldn't have reacted the way she did. Forget her cheating ass and move on. You deserve better than her.
Ireallyhatecheating Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Hi guys, I'm new to the forums. I've been dating my girlfriend for more than a year now. She's 19 and I'm 25. This has never happened to me before, so please bare with me. I just found out my girlfriend plans to see this guy she used to sleep with before she met me, and she hasn't told me. Granted, she knows it will upset me, especially since I know this guy to be a real sleazeball who only wants action. Another thing: I'm probably not supposed to know this. I accidently saw a txt message from him about them meeting up next week as I was perusing her phone for a number I needed (we live together). The txt message asked her if she was "down for some fun," which I know what that means because he's used that line before. She didn't reply. So am I being unjustifiably paranoid? Should I feel disturbed? How should I bring this up when I'm allegedly not supposed to know? I'm very confused guys, because I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or not. My first reaction is always to blame myself, but I can't help but feel horrible. Help me out? Dude, you've got to be kidding me. She said "of course" that means every "course" will be on the menu. Every time I've met up with an old girlfriend EVERYTHING has been on the menu EVERY time. Stop deluding yourself, your girl is going to see him to get HOG-SLAMMED. Tell her you know, you DID see the message accidentally, don't kid yourself, tell her you're going to see an ex for some action too, don't let her play you for a fool.
Author jackmerridew Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 So she got back home from work, and she told me that the number wasn't even the guy I thought it was, and that down for some fun was just literally what it is. And that this new guy is just some dude in her class that she talks to every once in a while. I still feel very suspicious about it, since the area code on that number is the same area code where that is where the guy I originally thought is from. And I don't understand how just a classmate would say that they haven't hung out in "hella days," especially since she rarely ever hangs out at school outside of class. I admitted to her who I thought it was, and she said I was wrong. I don't feel satisfied, because I think it's a little too coincidental, but I'll just drop it for now and keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior in the next week or so. It's going to be rough since I work during the day, and she has spring break and will be home alone while I'm at work. I may be deluding myself, (her initial response to push the blame on me did raise red flags) but I've invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship, and up until recently I've convinced myself that she's the one. I really hope that I am only hopelessly paranoid, but not paranoid enough to push her away. It's not like we've been distant recently. She makes me lunch when I don't even ask for it, adn she leaves me little notes in the baggie. Thanks so much guys for your advice. If it does turn out that she is lying to me and that number in question is the same fellow I was thinking of, then I guess it definitely is over. If I do break up with her, it'll be VERY rough, since I moved to Hawaii to be with her, and I associate everything I see in Hawaii with her. I've already committed to my company for several years, and I dont' want to seem flakey. I really like these forums. It's wonderful getting lots of input from people with similar experiences. I guess I jut needed to talk to people about it, and this converstaion helped put things in perspective. Expect to see me around here a lot! The only thing is, she would NEVER appreciate me txting or calling my exgirlfriends. And yes, I used to sleep around a lot, and I know how it is when you see exes. I even had a best gal pal that I NEVER even kissed, and my gf was jealous of the attention I gave my best friend. Since then, I keep contact with that girl to a bare minimum (how are you type of conversations) and have cut off all ties with my exes. But she doesn't seem to think it's a problem when her exes call her up. I'm just starting to think that although I may love her and believe in her, I think I am getting too old to wait for her to grow up and see things in a broader perspective.
norajane Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 I may be deluding myself, (her initial response to push the blame on me did raise red flags) but I've invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship, and up until recently I've convinced myself that she's the one. I'm just starting to think that although I may love her and believe in her, I think I am getting too old to wait for her to grow up and see things in a broader perspective. I think you need to trust your gut instincts. She is rather young for you. The age difference isn't huge in general, and likely wouldn't be a problem if you were both a decade older. But, when she's only 19, you're expecting a lot if you are expecting a mature, unselfish relationship from a teenager.
Author jackmerridew Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 I think you need to trust your gut instincts. She is rather young for you. The age difference isn't huge in general, and likely wouldn't be a problem if you were both a decade older. But, when she's only 19, you're expecting a lot if you are expecting a mature, unselfish relationship from a teenager. She is a teenager, and I'm realizing it now. My first impression was that she was more mature than many people I've met, which still holds true. But I think it says more about the quality of people I regularly meet, than on her actual maturity level. But she has displayed some acts of selfishness. I don't think they are mean-spirited. I just don't think she's aware of how much hurt she does to me. It doesn't help that she is drop-dead gorgeous, the most beautiful girl I've ever been with, and is eye candy for most guys I know, EVEN my closest friends. Again, it's going to be hard since I moved to Hawaii for her. Another factor I haven't mentioned: She is my little sister's best friend. My little sis had trouble adjusting, but she's now perfectly comfortable with it. If we do break up, I'm worried what it would do to their friendship as well. I'm not worried about the relationship I have with my sister: I love her and will always commit to family first. I just don't want my sister to lose the bestest friend she ever had.
1DeadB Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Hi guys, I'm new to the forums. I've been dating my girlfriend for more than a year now. She's 19 and I'm 25. This has never happened to me before, so please bare with me. I just found out my girlfriend plans to see this guy she used to sleep with before she met me, and she hasn't told me. Granted, she knows it will upset me, especially since I know this guy to be a real sleazeball who only wants action. Another thing: I'm probably not supposed to know this. I accidently saw a txt message from him about them meeting up next week as I was perusing her phone for a number I needed (we live together). The txt message asked her if she was "down for some fun," which I know what that means because he's used that line before. She didn't reply. So am I being unjustifiably paranoid? Should I feel disturbed? How should I bring this up when I'm allegedly not supposed to know? I'm very confused guys, because I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or not. My first reaction is always to blame myself, but I can't help but feel horrible. Help me out? Let her go!!!!
EC Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 No one knows her better than you do. I still think it is rather fishy that she did react the way she did. But if you trust her and she has not given you any other reasons to doubt her then ok. But Something here just doesnt seem right. Im only 21 but I still didnt know what I wanted at 19. I cheated and then would flip the blame on the guys all the time. I feel bad now but at 19 I was selfish. Just keep an eye out k?
Author jackmerridew Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 No one knows her better than you do. I still think it is rather fishy that she did react the way she did. But if you trust her and she has not given you any other reasons to doubt her then ok. But Something here just doesnt seem right. Im only 21 but I still didnt know what I wanted at 19. I cheated and then would flip the blame on the guys all the time. I feel bad now but at 19 I was selfish. Just keep an eye out k? Thanks EC! I'll admit, I've done my fair share of cheating. Not on her, but my exgirlfriend whom I was with for four years. That was not a good relationship. I wasn't happy with it at all, and I blame myself for not getting out of it. I also saw your post on the cheating board about "getting slammed," and am starting to think that I haven't been paying attention to my g/f. We haven't made love in two weeks or more (granted some of that was due to her period which ended last week), and yes, I really do get tired. I'm a working journalist who covers the police and crime around Hawaii, and after talking to someone who had just had their 4-year-old girl crushed under an SUV, or telling someone that their best friend had been shot and have them crying on my shoulder for comfort, then NO, I'm not exactly in the mood for love later that night. And I'm not exactly sure how to fix that either. We've both acknowledged this problem (not the first time it's happened), and I've consciously tried to make love to her, but it just doesn't work out because I'm either trying too hard to make love, or flashes of my job enter into my head.
Author jackmerridew Posted March 24, 2007 Author Posted March 24, 2007 So she was lying ... Like I mentioned, I'm a working journalist, and some of us journalists have access to a database of phone numbers, addresses and other records of practically anyone in the U.S. who doesn't think to cover up their trail (which is 90 percent of the population). So I looked up the number I found, and found out it didn't belong to her classmate, it belongs to the same guy I knew it was - her ex **** buddy. So she lied to my face about whose number it was and made me think I was the biggest fool in the universe, which I sure am feeling right now. I guess there's nothing else I can do except confront her and dump the person I based my current life around. I got her everything - Tiffany and Co. jewelry, purses, a two-bedroom condo with ocean view and pool deck, everything. This is going to be so incredibly difficult, and I can't help but think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. My hands are trembling and I don't want to do this, but I know I have to.
norajane Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 So she was lying ... Like I mentioned, I'm a working journalist, and some of us journalists have access to a database of phone numbers, addresses and other records of practically anyone in the U.S. who doesn't think to cover up their trail (which is 90 percent of the population). So I looked up the number I found, and found out it didn't belong to her classmate, it belongs to the same guy I knew it was - her ex **** buddy. So she lied to my face about whose number it was and made me think I was the biggest fool in the universe, which I sure am feeling right now. I guess there's nothing else I can do except confront her and dump the person I based my current life around. I got her everything - Tiffany and Co. jewelry, purses, a two-bedroom condo with ocean view and pool deck, everything. This is going to be so incredibly difficult, and I can't help but think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. My hands are trembling and I don't want to do this, but I know I have to. At the least, you now know the truth about her. And you are way better off knowing now rather than much later after you've invested even more of your feelings in someone who is not trustworthy. I know this hurts, and I'm very sorry. It will get better after a while and you will one day breathe a sigh of relief that you are free of someone that thinks nothing of lying to you.
VinaAmez Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 At the least, you now know the truth about her. And you are way better off knowing now rather than much later after you've invested even more of your feelings in someone who is not trustworthy. I know this hurts, and I'm very sorry. It will get better after a while and you will one day breathe a sigh of relief that you are free of someone that thinks nothing of lying to you. I agree. Sorry this happend to you. In time you'll be glad you found out now and not later. By that time it could have become an even bigger mess.
bridget_jones Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Lets make sure, she doesnt forget her toothbrush and other things when she is leaving. If she really goes she has no loyalty, no respect, no love for you then. Dump her without drama. And make sure you are more 'fun' next time. For once I agree with absolutely everything Daniel has said here (except for the last sentence. I mean if you are a funny guy or not, that is part of your fundamental personality and you really can't change that, plus one person might think you're hilarious, another might not, so I don't see how sense of humor plays into it.) I don't like it when people beat themselves up over why someone cheated on them because it is not their fault. She might be suddenly showing a tender "I love you let's work this out" side to her because she realizes after you dump her, she will be in a pickle moving out and paying for her own rent. Boo hoo. Don't forget you are in HAWAII. Cruise the beach and find a beautiful bikinied young local, or if you just want an uncomplicated fling or two, plenty of female tourists looking for fun who you can guiltlessly and mutually enjoy bodily pleasure with for a few days, then she's flying home, no strings! that might be just the best way to cure the break up blues. But yeah, dump her a** and do it, as Daniel said, undramatically. Well said.
Guest Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Thanks EC! I'll admit, I've done my fair share of cheating. Not on her, but my exgirlfriend whom I was with for four years. That was not a good relationship. I wasn't happy with it at all, and I blame myself for not getting out of it. I also saw your post on the cheating board about "getting slammed," and am starting to think that I haven't been paying attention to my g/f. We haven't made love in two weeks or more (granted some of that was due to her period which ended last week), and yes, I really do get tired. I'm a working journalist who covers the police and crime around Hawaii, and after talking to someone who had just had their 4-year-old girl crushed under an SUV, or telling someone that their best friend had been shot and have them crying on my shoulder for comfort, then NO, I'm not exactly in the mood for love later that night. And I'm not exactly sure how to fix that either. We've both acknowledged this problem (not the first time it's happened), and I've consciously tried to make love to her, but it just doesn't work out because I'm either trying too hard to make love, or flashes of my job enter into my head. I completely understand. I have family that are police officers and Its difficult at times to leave work at work. Especially when you love your job and you have a passion for it. Its very difficult to leave it all at the work place. I think I understand a bit better know. Maybe at 19 she is being selfish and can't understand your work and how it affects you. Instead of thinking how can 'we' work this out or how can ' I ' help him relax when he gets home..she's thinking me me me. Coming home and making Love to your wife/girlfriend whatever..should be your escape. It really shouldnt be that difficult to get into it. If it is then you REALLY have to re-evaluate where this is going. Your 25 and I doubt you want to waste more time when you can be establishing something real with someone else. But in the end I dont really know you or the story you know so follow your heart..but I dont think your happy. This is EC BTW too lazy to log in lol
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