Fish in a Bowl Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 [COLOR=black]I've been reading this forum and others like it now for about a month. The information I have gathered has been the greatest help in my particular predicament that I've been able to find. So, here I am posting my really messed up marriage problem.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]My wife and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. It has been relatively good, and I don't feel that I have any major complaints. (i.e. abuse, finances, etc.) My problem is that over the 5 years I have fallen out of love with my wife, in fact I don't think I was ever in love with her. I know it sounds cliché. We belong to a conservative Christian religion that puts a lot of pressure on it's constituents to marry young and raise a family. So, being good little sheep, we got married at 22(myself) and 23(my wife). At this time we had only been dating for three months and knew each other for a year. So problem one, we rushed into marriage. I know I can't change that now.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]My wife and I were not at the emotional bonding stage when we got married; in fact we never made it to an emotional relationship. I slowly got depressed and cut myself of from everyone around me including my wife. We've had two children which have momentarily brought us together but in other ways driven us apart. I am neither physically nor emotionally attracted to my wife. I think that the emotional side of things is more important. So, I sought out someone I could have an emotional relationship with. This was done subconsciously and I know realize it was a huge mistake. This other woman was going through a divorce which was badly needed (her husband abused her and her children) and I supported her through her year long battle to finally decide to leave. So naturally she became my emotional escape when my marriage started to implode. Long story short, we started to have an emotional affair and eventually admitted to each other that we had very strong feelings for each other. From that point we have had a very secret relationship where we are getting very close, but we have not become physical. (I’ve hugged her and that’s about as physical as it has become)[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I realized that I had to be fair to my wife and tell her what was going on. She blew up, which was expected, she's always been a little irrational when I talk about my own emotions. In fact, I think this is why I don't talk to her. I suggested that we go to marriage counseling, which has been helpful and getting us to the same playing field. I think we were always fighting but having two separate arguments. Thanks to counseling we are now having the same argument more civilly. Anyway, things haven’t got any better, we are just better at faking it. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]So now I'm facing a huge decision as to what I want. Do I try to make a relationship that has never really been a relationship work, or do I try to start a new life? I know that the OW is just a lustful relationship that has replaced what was missing in my marriage. I do not expect it to be better than my marriage. In fact I probably wouldn't pursue it if I left my wife. The OW is not really a compatible personality type.(I'm extremely introverted and she's a party girl) I am trying to take my time because I don't know if this is a side effect of some major depression, or if it is the cause of the depression. I guess I would like some feed back, is it worth lying in the bed I made, or should I make a new one? I hate the "on the fence" feeling I've had for the past month. It seems that anytime I make movement in any direction something pulls me back. Anyway, any advice is well received. Sorry my first post is a novel![/COLOR]
Gunny376 Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 I've been reading this forum and others like it now for about a month. The information I have gathered has been the greatest help in my particular predicament that I've been able to find. So, here I am posting my really messed up marriage problem. My wife and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. It has been relatively good, and I don't feel that I have any major complaints. (i.e. abuse, finances, etc.) My problem is that over the 5 years I have fallen out of love with my wife, in fact I don't think I was ever in love with her. I know it sounds cliché. We belong to a conservative Christian religion that puts a lot of pressure on it's constituents to marry young and raise a family. So, being good little sheep, we got married at 22(myself) and 23(my wife). At this time we had only been dating for three months and knew each other for a year. So problem one, we rushed into marriage. I know I can't change that now. My wife and I were not at the emotional bonding stage when we got married; in fact we never made it to an emotional relationship. I slowly got depressed and cut myself of from everyone around me including my wife. We've had two children which have momentarily brought us together but in other ways driven us apart. I am neither physically nor emotionally attracted to my wife. I think that the emotional side of things is more important. So, I sought out someone I could have an emotional relationship with. This was done subconsciously and I know realize it was a huge mistake. This other woman was going through a divorce which was badly needed (her husband abused her and her children) and I supported her through her year long battle to finally decide to leave. So naturally she became my emotional escape when my marriage started to implode. Long story short, we started to have an emotional affair and eventually admitted to each other that we had very strong feelings for each other. From that point we have had a very secret relationship where we are getting very close, but we have not become physical. (I’ve hugged her and that’s about as physical as it has become) I realized that I had to be fair to my wife and tell her what was going on. She blew up, which was expected, she's always been a little irrational when I talk about my own emotions. In fact, I think this is why I don't talk to her. I suggested that we go to marriage counseling, which has been helpful and getting us to the same playing field. I think we were always fighting but having two separate arguments. Thanks to counseling we are now having the same argument more civilly. Anyway, things haven’t gotten any better, we are just better at faking it. So now I'm facing a huge decision as to what I want. Do I try to make a relationship that has never really been a relationship work, or do I try to start a new life? I know that the OW is just a lustful relationship that has replaced what was missing in my marriage. I do not expect it to be better than my marriage. In fact I probably wouldn't pursue it if I left my wife. The OW is not really a compatible personality type.(I'm extremely introverted and she's a party girl) I am trying to take my time because I don't know if this is a side effect of some major depression, or if it is the cause of the depression. I guess I would like some feed back, is it worth lying in the bed I made, or should I make a new one? I hate the "on the fence" feeling I've had for the past month. It seems that anytime I make movement in any direction something pulls me back. Anyway, any advice is well received. Sorry my first post is a novel!
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