What do you do when the mad is gone?

[jaycie724]

Hey everyone,

 

I wrote the post "6.5 years thrown away" and when I wrote it I was hurting, but also SO angry with Doug for cheating on me and continually lying about it, for lying in therapy, etc. I was just mad at him. But now, the mad is starting to fade. I just feel empty inside. There's this terrible lonliness and I can't stop crying. Nothing I do seems to comfort me. I just feel like I'm stuck in this pit and I can't even begin to see light above me and I don't know how to dig my way out.

 

I have a great plan for working through this - I'm in counseling, I'm joining a bible study group, I have a church I go to, I have great friends, I have things that I want to do with my time. The problem is, I can't focus on anything. I feel like I'm randomly doing things but not doing anything at all. If that makes sense. Like, I'll move around my apartment putting things up, etc but then after a couple of hours, the place is still a mess and all I do is move things from one place to another. I just feel so lost. So lonely. So almost hopeless.

 

I know that I'm pretty, funny, smart. I just earned my master's degree, I have excellent opportunities to advance my career and I don't want this situation to mess up my future. But at the same time, I just dont know how to pick myself up and focus on something other than how much I'm hurting and how much I miss the way things with Doug used to be. Worst of all, he never even seems to be hurting and he already has something else. How is it possible for me to be so broken and he's fine? I know "fair" has nothing to do with it. But, I'm a kind, loving, and caring person. I have so much to offer....I offered everything i had, everything i am to him and he just didn't want it. I feel lonley, hurt, rejected, and so so so scared that I will never find someone who loves me for who I am and wants me - even after 6.5 years.

 

What's worse is that I know that I cannot begin dating until I begin healing. But at this point I wonder how long this is going to take? How long until I can eat a full meal? How long until I can go to bed at night without crying myself to sleep? When will I finally have a morning that I don't wake up with a massive headache and swollen face? I know none of you can answer these questions. I'm good at coming up with lots of questions and not so good at answering them.

 

One thing that might help is if you all have any suggestions for how I can begin to nurture myself. Were any of you in this "I just broke up 2 weeks ago from a really long term relationship and I cant function" position? If so, how did you begin to join reality again? How did you cope? What suggestions, kind words, advice, etc can you give me? I just feel so little and lost and lonely.

 

Jaycie

[polywog]

Hey Jaycie, I am so sorry for what you're going through, and I have certainly been there myself, more than once. Going thru it now, in fact. What happened to you was so senseless and awful that you just need to give yourself permission to grieve. Don't be hard on yourself for having all those yucky feelings, you've had the rug pulled out from underneath you. Of course

you can't eat or sleep, but this phase will pass soon.

 

It sounds like you are doing all the things I'd suggest. Talking to your friends who know what you're going through and are your best listeners and supporters is the best, it's what has helped me the most. Talking about it, posting here as much as you want are a huge help.

 

Make some changes like rearranging furniture (Invite a pal over help and give you moaral support) or getting your hair done differently (color or cut) are amazingly good.

 

Other posters will come up with more, LS is the best for this...

[JCD]

You're going thru the early stages of hurt. How long will it be before you're back to normal, nobody can tell. It might be half the time you've been together so maybe in 3 years but it might be sooner if you find someone new who will replace Doug. When I learned that she was back together with her ex, it was like someone punched me in the stomach with a wrecking ball. For the first week, I couldn't concentrate on anything, couldn't eat, couldn't watch tv and I kept thinking about her all the time. I still get panic attacks when I see her but that goes away in couple of minutes. It took me like 9 months to get to this point but that's because I kept on hoping she would be back. If I could squash that hope I bet I would heal sooner. Not to mention, I saw her at work everyday and that certainly didn't helped me with healing. So hang in there tight and it will get better, you just have to go thru these feelings and you'll grow thicker skin for next time.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

"What do you do when the mad is gone?"

 

You feel a bit empty, as you are seeing. Then you begin the grieving process, and there is no time limit on that one. Some get past it more quickly than others. After that, I think you go through an acceptance phase, where you finally fully realize that it is over, and for whatever reason, you are better off without the person. Towards the end, you can remember the good times, without it hurting so much. And eventually, you start living life again.

 

It's a rough road. You may slip & fall a time or two. But keep in mind, it does get better. Just take it a day at a time, allow yourself to cry, scream, rant, whatever it takes to get the emotions out. Well-meaning people often push you to get over it more quickly, or make you feel that you should be "past all of that" by a certain point. We all heal at different speeds.

 

In the meantime, writing helped me a lot. "Talking" (be it in person or online) to friends, family & others who had been in similar situations. I also spent a fair amount of time alone, reflecting on me. Things I wanted to change about myself, sorting my priorities in life, and coming to terms with what I needed in my next relationship. Go through the motions of life, eat when you should, sleep when you can, work on your career, and remember to breathe.

 

(hugs to you)