Guest Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 After many years of marriage I found out that my wife had cheated on me, not once, but at least twice. I was stunned. then I was hurt, and then very angry. I decided i was going to get my revenge then dump her. So I found someone to cheat with and convinced myself I was going to call her on the phone while me and this other gal were making it and throw it in her face. I didn't do that. But over the next 18 months I cheated with 9 different women before my hurt and anger subsided. I never told her, but at the time I convinced myself I didn't owe her my faithfulness since she tossed aside hers. It's been 8 years since I did that. So, has anyone else done anything like this?
reservoirdog1 Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 I think anybody who's been betrayed by their spouse at least contemplates that. I know I did, though I didn't go through with it. I got close though. After finding out about WXW's serial cheating, we tried to reconcile for about 2 months (at my urging). She was half-hearted in her efforts and called an end to it. During the final month of cohabitation that followed, I asked her to promise me that neither of us would date or sleep with others while we were still living under the same roof, as a final gesture of respect (for what it was worth at that point, but anyway...). I don't know if she kept her promise, but I did. Anyhow, the final night in the marital home, I went to a party without her. There, I met a woman I'd known socially for years. She knew what had happened (after XW had killed the reconciliation I'd told people what she'd done). Long story short, she and I almost hooked up that night and would have, if I hadn't told her that I couldn't until I was no longer cohabiting with XW. Next morning, I moved out and into an apartment. That night, the woman from the party came over, and we had sex. In a fight on the phone with XW about a week later, I told her that I'd already had sex with somebody else. That hurt her and bothered her for months afterwards, even though she still didn't want to be married to me anymore and was in a new relationship. This may sound callous or cruel, but the fact that what I'd done hurt her, but that I was morally beyond reproach since I'd honoured my vows right up to the end, felt righteous. I don't regret having done it and I doubt I ever will.
BeenAround_N_Back Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I assume that this revenge must be satisfying? I think about doing it but highly doubt that I could break free from my morals?
americat Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 After many years of marriage I found out that my wife had cheated on me, not once, but at least twice. I was stunned. then I was hurt, and then very angry. I decided i was going to get my revenge then dump her. So I found someone to cheat with and convinced myself I was going to call her on the phone while me and this other gal were making it and throw it in her face. I didn't do that. But over the next 18 months I cheated with 9 different women before my hurt and anger subsided. I never told her, but at the time I convinced myself I didn't owe her my faithfulness since she tossed aside hers. It's been 8 years since I did that. So, has anyone else done anything like this? And you call that a marriage?
americat Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Another thing is that what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I don't see how there is much revenge involved when she doesn't find out about it. Looks like this was more of an excuse you used to service your needs.
Curmudgeon Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 The first time, that I know of, that the ex cheated she changed the locks on our home so I couldn't get in and moved her, then, boyfriend in. That lasted for about two or three weeks. Towards the end and before we got back together (still can't figure that one out) I spent the night with a female friend so I guess you could call it a revenge ONS. The second time, that I know of, she cheated she moved out and filed for separation. I immediately counter-filed for divorce. She moved her boyfriend in with herself and our two youngest daughters and I lived like a monk for the two years it took for the divorce to become final. No regrets. No revenge the second time either. I decided that the greatest revenge was to just let her be and have to live with herself!
mopar crazy Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 The thought crossed my mind but even when my WH and I were seperated and going through a D I had no desire to sleep w/ another man and I even thought the M was over. I still loved my H even though he cheated, so I just couldn't bring himself to sleep w/ another man, not that soon. We reconciled several months later and have been back together for 4 years. I'm glad that I didn't take that step of revenge.
bullhunter Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 it was partly revenge, partly curiosity about other women, partly looking for a fantasy. Mostly I ended up feeling like an *********, but unfortunately I still didn't learn my lesson until a number of years later when I got overthetop angry again.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I would never cheat in revenge. That would make me no better than a cheater. Actually, the best revenge is going to the gym. My wife, who has cheated on me in the past, now is afraid that I will find someone better than her. The fact that I am working out every day and looking better than I did when I was 20 is making her feel real insecure. So I am getting the best revenge on her in my mind, and feeling great about myself in the process. If you want the ultimate revenge...get a washboard stomach, and a body to kill for..they will be eaten up with jealousy even though you are not cheating on them or giving them any reason to be jealous.
Curmudgeon Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I still think the ultimate revenge is just letting them be themselves.
Karma24 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Actually, the best revenge is going to the gym. My wife, who has cheated on me in the past, now is afraid that I will find someone better than her. The fact that I am working out every day and looking better than I did when I was 20 is making her feel real insecure. If you want the ultimate revenge...get a washboard stomach, and a body to kill for..they will be eaten up with jealousy even though you are not cheating on them or giving them any reason to be jealous. I am doing the same thing. Not to make the H jealous, although that is definitely an added benefit. I want to feel good about myself and look good for me. I don't want my H to be my primary source of happiness anymore. Not after the BS he pulled. So your wife may be afraid that you will find someone better than her? Good. Maybe you should do just that. I am strongly considering it myself...
scubafish Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 maybe it is a guy thing, as a woman going through a separation, and dealing with months of knowing about the affair, I never had an urge to seek 'revenge sex' anything elsewhere. Even now, I cannot think of having sex with another man, maybe it is the depression. I get hit on quite often when I am out, but can hardly even have a genuine conversation with these guys. I do hope I get over this issue soon........
Salicious Crumb Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I am doing the same thing. Not to make the H jealous, although that is definitely an added benefit. Oh I know. I am not doing it to make my wife jealous...I am doing it for myself since my wife sure as hell isn't a support base for my self-esteem...so I will do it for myself. But yes...it is an added benefit...now she can eat her heart out thinking that I just might do to her what she did to me. But I will never cheat...I will not lower myself to that level. I want to feel good about myself and look good for me. I don't want my H to be my primary source of happiness anymore. Not after the BS he pulled. Exactly!...good for you!!! So your wife may be afraid that you will find someone better than her? Good. Maybe you should do just that. I am strongly considering it myself... Well...I still am grappling with whether to divorce her or not since I cannot stop thinking about what she did...but the anger is a great motivator at the gym. Right now I am trying to do the best thing for my kids...I just still don't know what that is. But it just eats me up that I might have to be without them on a daily basis because of what SHE did.
Curmudgeon Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 ...but the anger is a great motivator at the gym. I certainly found that to be true. I exercised almost constantly while going through divorce. Taking out my anger on free weights was preferrable to other options, such a breaking her boyfriend's face. Besides, exercise is a great stress reducer and the end result is being in marvelous shape!
Rooster_DAR Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I still think the ultimate revenge is just letting them be themselves. So true!!! Silence is the best form of revenge. Besides, it you make your revenge noticeable, they are gonna know what your doing. Best thing is total silence and disappearance.
norajane Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I never had an urge to seek 'revenge sex' I never have either. But I've thought of other forms of revenge. My ex blended girlfriends at the beginning of our relationship - he was still seeing her for a few months after he started seeing me long distance - and he's still friends with her. I recently found out about this (which ultimately led to our break-up), and I know she doesn't know anything about his deceptions. You have no idea how hard it has been for me not to contact her and tell her everything, just to ruin their "friendship" and have him lose his scuba diving buddy. She might like to know just how little honesty there is in their friendship, but I know I'd be doing it just to hurt him, and I fear I would regret doing something out of pure maliciousness.
americat Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 It's wrong to seek revenge against someone who never meant to hurt you in the first place. Most OW are not sleeping with your husbands for the purpose of hurting you. It just turns you into the vicious villain and makes the OW look benign. The OW is hurting enough, believe it or not.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I certainly found that to be true. I exercised almost constantly while going through divorce. Taking out my anger on free weights was preferrable to other options, such a breaking her boyfriend's face. Besides, exercise is a great stress reducer and the end result is being in marvelous shape! Exactly...I highly recommend to anyone that has been betrayed to start working out!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Revenge sex??? NEVER!!! The ONE thing that I have to be thankful for is that I'm not sick like him, I would jeapordise that for revenge. HE is his worst enemy, he doesn't need my help. I have however gone to out shopping or to the movies and been unreachable so that he can wonder what's going on, but not in a long time as I will surely pay for his unhappiness 10 fold.
lindya Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I did contemplate it when I was cheated on. The guilty party had a friend with whom I'd felt a bit of sexual chemistry from time to time. I seriously thought about contacting that friend for some spurious reason, then crying on his shoulder with the aim of things taking a sexual turn. The only thing that stopped me was realising what a sad and ridiculous person the friend (who I respected, as well as fancied) would think I was. I feel quite surprised thinking back on that. It makes me think "was that who I was back then? Maybe it's not so surprising that he cheated on me." On the other hand, being badly hurt and angry can give rise to all kinds of destructive notions and make a person think and act out of character. That brand of revenge banks on the other person caring what you do and who you sleep with, and I think if someone's cheating on you, it's best to work on the assumption that they don't care about any of these things. If sleeping with someone else can help get them out of your system then by all means...but sleeping with someone else as an act of revenge? I think it's pointless, not to mention disrespectful to the person you'd be using in that way.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I have thought of a million ways to gain revenge and almost went through with one but backed off because I stopped caring one day. As for revenge cheating, it's not in me to do it although I can understand why people do it and find some irony in it. I much prefer to get over the situation and move on. I'd rather be happy then angry.
shellys-trying Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I guess I could have cheated when I found out about my WH's A but I didn't. I had more respect for myself and my children to do that. It had absolutely nothing to do with hurting him or not hurting him. It would have hurt me and my kids, if I'd done a cheating revenge thing. We were already hurting enough because of what he did.
Crazy Eddie Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I told my wife a long time ago that if she ever slept with someone else, I wouldn't leave her and I'd still love her, but I would probably end up returning the favor. Why should she have all the fun? As far as I've been able to determine, she's remained 100% faithful.
shellys-trying Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I told my wife a long time ago that if she ever slept with someone else, I wouldn't leave her and I'd still love her, but I would probably end up returning the favor. QUOTE] Well, I have more respect for myself than to do some bullsh*t revenge crap. But, I would very much doubt that she's stayed faithful to you just because of your threat/comment you made years ago that you've mentioned above. Some women aren't made that way. Sounds like you put more thought into the cheating than she did, since you already have a revenge plan set aside for "just in case". I wonder if she has one for you?
Crazy Eddie Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 Well, I have more respect for myself than to do some bullsh*t revenge crap. But, I would very much doubt that she's stayed faithful to you just because of your threat/comment you made years ago that you've mentioned above. Some women aren't made that way. Sounds like you put more thought into the cheating than she did, since you already have a revenge plan set aside for "just in case". I wonder if she has one for you? Well, at the time, she was working with a guy that she admitted that she found attractive. Nothing ever happened (confidence>99%), but I could tell she was tempted. Between you and me, I was bluffing. I'm crazy about her and her cheating wouldn't make me stop loving her or make me want to leave her or even make me want to sleep with anyone else, but I didn't want to encourage her to go and do it since she might catch something or fall in love with the guy and run off with him or something.
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