manders0724 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 My present boyfriend and I have been through alot. after just being together for 2 months i moved into the place where he and some of my friends were staying. after that it got pretty serious, until i found out he was talking to his ex behind my back, and trying to hide it from me. they dated for 2 years and were broken up for about a year after we got together, but they still had sex up until he met me. she would text him things like "hey boo" or "i miss you so much sweetie" and for some reason she felt the need to talk crap about me to my friends simply because i was dating her ex. I tried giving her a chance. we all went swimming one day and she was all over him in the water. he wasnt innocent either, he flirted right back. they were having a great time in the water together, while i was standing in the water by myself. After that i hated her. she wouild try to rub it in my face that they still cared about eachother...etc. He thinks she is like this angel who has nothing wrong with her. And so i asked him to choose, me or his ex, and he refused to answer. so we broke up. and when we broke up, guess where he went to live? her and her familys house. however, we got back together. We recently moved to portland to live with his family. and once again i find that he has been talking to her and trying to hide it from me. i dont want them to talk, she is very manipulative and i fear she will put negative thoughts into his mind about us. I dont want to give him an ultimatum, like if he doesnt stop talking to her ill leave him, becasue i fear he might leave me instead of stop talking to her. Any advice on what to do, or any opinions on whether or not im over-reacting? Please Help!
LittleWoman12 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I would dump him so fast! He obviously has feelings for his ex-wife. If he hides his text messages from you, he might be even seeing/sleeping with her on the side. You have to give him an ultimatum.
climbergirl Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Over-reacting? Hell no! I'd say you're under-reacting. If my bf was disrespecting me by blatantly flirting with an ex in front of my face, you'd better believe there'd be war when we got home. By what you wrote, It seems very possible that he/she aren't 'over'.
Author manders0724 Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 its not his ex wife, its his ex girlfriend that he was with for 2 years any new opinions?
Author manders0724 Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 it isnt possible for him to be sleeping with her, we live 2 hours away. i just feel like she will manipuate him into not being with me. it worries me alot. and even though i know he wont cheat on me, its hard to trust him when he hides from me that they have been talking. he tells me now that they are just good friends etc, but i know that if she was given the chance to sleep with him, that she would jump on it.
AnneB49 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I am not so sure you should react so quickly...maybe there are other options...an ultimatum will definitely not work...what if you tried flirting with her next time before he gets the chance? get all up in her face and frisky like...maybe he will see how foolish he looks...
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Sounds like a 'he can't live with her, can't live without her' scenario. Unfortunately, it sounds like their bond is still pretty strong and I don't see him giving her up any time soon. To be perfectly honest, your best bet would be to make your exit and find someone whose heart doesn't belong to someone else.
Author manders0724 Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 no i didnt. i asked him what if i did. and he said that if i put him in that position he would think it was totally ridiculous and wouldnt want to be with someone who tried to control him. i need a way to get my point across, some way to have him understand without havin him think im being a controlling bitch. i cant lose him. he is all i have. but it hurts so much i need advice on how to make him understand
Poboy Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 sorry but he is going to contact her come what may from the looks of things... if you cant lose him ,you have to stick with him and his habits. he has told you that he will not be with you if you try to control him. if you dont control him , he will do what he feels right ... its your choice what you want.
rainfall Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 sorry but he is going to contact her come what may from the looks of things... if you cant lose him ,you have to stick with him and his habits. he has told you that he will not be with you if you try to control him. if you dont control him , he will do what he feels right ... its your choice what you want. Yeah I gotta agree with this. You have told him how you feel and he doesn't seem to care. You will either have to accept that his girl will be a part of your relationship or leave him and find someone who will treat you better.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 i cant lose him. he is all i have I'm sure he knows that you feel this way, and that is why he would have absolutely no incentive to give up his ex. Why would he, if you aren't going to leave him regardless of what he does with her? There is nothing you can say or do that will "make" him understand from within the context of your relationship. People don't give up situations that work for them out of altruistic reasons. They give up situations that work for them because they stand to lose something if they don't. He knows he has nothing to lose by continuing his relationship with his ex, so therefore there is no reason to stop being with her (in his mind, anyway). The only way you can "make" him understand is to make it clear that it is either you, or her and not both. You'll have to make your break, and make it perfectly clear that as long as he is involved with his ex - he is to have no contact with you in any way, shape or form. Then, stick to it and move on if you don't hear from him. That is the only way that he will see that he HAS to make a choice. I expect it wouldn't take him long to make that decision. Just don't expect that it will work out quite like you had hoped. From what you are posting, its pretty clear to me that if he is forced to make a choice, he will probably choose his ex.
Author manders0724 Posted March 24, 2007 Author Posted March 24, 2007 I understand what everyone is saying, however, I refuse to give him an ultimatum. I think that is dumb, and I also think my problem with trustin ppl could be a major facor. So I told him we will agree to disagree...for now. However I did let him know that if he keeps talking to her it will cause me alot of pain and eventually end us. I am just going to give him time I guess to clear her out of his system. If he chooses not to stop talking to her, I dont know, I might learn to be okay with it, but i doubt it, and if I cant, then I will simply find somewhere else to live, no matter how much it wil hurt
Mary3 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 You have a very ,very serious problem. Your post was exactly like mine when I came on here 2 years ago . You are going to lose ...why ? Because they still have feelings for eachother and he is going along with it all. ...You are in a rebound situation. You are whats left after he left her....now he plays cat and mouse with her and you are 3rd wheel .... Do what everyone here advised me : Get out ! 3 somes don't work well ( pun intended ) ....unless its a mutual sexual arrangement.... You will be hurt . Thats a gaurentee....Sorry but ultimatums.....he will pick her everytime. He has NO business being in a relationship when he still is NOT over HER. Soo wrong... Live and learn...
TheSwordfish Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Why the hell o you stay with this guy? find anothr, dump this idiot, and forge him! Send him and his ex an easter bunny doll giving them the finger (the one in the middle!)
stace79 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 I hate to tell you but I was just in this position as of like two days ago. My guy wouldnt stop talking to his ex, even though the whole time we were together she would tell him how much she loved and missed him and that she never knew what she had until it was gone. He refused to stop "being her friend" and I did everything you have done...gave him quasi-ultimatums, tried to be empathetic, tried to ignore it and be confident. Eventually she convinced him to take a break from me b/c he was "confused" and now we are just broken up. Wednesday he told me he is trying to reconcile things with her to know once and for all what is meant to be with them. He is doing this even in the same breath that he told me how much he loves me. He says it just isn't fair even though he WANTS TO DATE ME because he can't be a good bf til he resolves his feelings for her. What a joke. I mean really it is a hopeless situation and you will never win over the type of history these two have. My guy's ex was with him for four years off and on, so...I'm sorry to break it to you, I think your only hope is to move on. no i didnt. i asked him what if i did. and he said that if i put him in that position he would think it was totally ridiculous and wouldnt want to be with someone who tried to control him. i need a way to get my point across, some way to have him understand without havin him think im being a controlling bitch. i cant lose him. he is all i have. but it hurts so much i need advice on how to make him understand
Author manders0724 Posted March 25, 2007 Author Posted March 25, 2007 i wish he could read everyone elses opinion...dur dur dur...it would make him realize that im not overeacting..etc. its a crazy thing...love...we have been together nearly a year off and on...it seems so much less. what he tells me is that he only talks to her like twice a month, that they dont talk about innapropriate issues, and that i am the one he loves, no her, that they are just good friends etc. however him hiding it from me kills. i want to believe that this girl has grown up a little, but i know she hasnt. she is stil the same kiniving little liar that she always was. i just wish he could see through her like i can. i guess thats a girl thing tho right? you can usually see thru ppl when guys cannot
stace79 Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Trust me I say the exact things in my situation. Only finally this guy decided to be honest with me and himself that the problem is HE still has FEELINGS for her, so they are going to try and work things out once and for all. Yes, I'm pissed and hurt and devastated, but at least he's finally being honest about it. Really I think the best thing you can do...and I know you know this deep down, because I had known it for weeks or even months in my situation...the best thing to do is just let him go and go completely no contact with him for awhile. Either he needs to resolve the feelings with his ex or he needs to learn to put your feelings and the stability of YOUR relationship priority number one. And he is clearly not doing that. You're telling him something hurts you, upsets you and makes you very uncomfortable and anxious, and he replies with an "I don't care" through his inaction. We both have deserved better, hun. i wish he could read everyone elses opinion...dur dur dur...it would make him realize that im not overeacting..etc. its a crazy thing...love...we have been together nearly a year off and on...it seems so much less. what he tells me is that he only talks to her like twice a month, that they dont talk about innapropriate issues, and that i am the one he loves, no her, that they are just good friends etc. however him hiding it from me kills. i want to believe that this girl has grown up a little, but i know she hasnt. she is stil the same kiniving little liar that she always was. i just wish he could see through her like i can. i guess thats a girl thing tho right? you can usually see thru ppl when guys cannot
Author manders0724 Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 ya i know but space coudnt work between us, we live together at his parents house. i have a job up here in portland and no where else to go seeing as we just moved here and all my friends and family live 2 hours away. see what ive given up for him? the ability to see my friends and family but like once a month if that. i dont have anywhere else to go and i really believe he will stop talking to her. i would think that with all ive given up for him he would be able to stop talking to his ex
Guest2891 Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 hi manders0724, well i read what you wrote and to me it sounds like he still loves hers. from what i read you dont need that. take it from a person that learned the hard way i too was in the same situation and my ex ended getting pregnant from some her ex and that broke my heart and i just left her and didnt even look back. My present boyfriend and I have been through alot. after just being together for 2 months i moved into the place where he and some of my friends were staying. after that it got pretty serious, until i found out he was talking to his ex behind my back, and trying to hide it from me. they dated for 2 years and were broken up for about a year after we got together, but they still had sex up until he met me. she would text him things like "hey boo" or "i miss you so much sweetie" and for some reason she felt the need to talk crap about me to my friends simply because i was dating her ex. I tried giving her a chance. we all went swimming one day and she was all over him in the water. he wasnt innocent either, he flirted right back. they were having a great time in the water together, while i was standing in the water by myself. After that i hated her. she wouild try to rub it in my face that they still cared about eachother...etc. He thinks she is like this angel who has nothing wrong with her. And so i asked him to choose, me or his ex, and he refused to answer. so we broke up. and when we broke up, guess where he went to live? her and her familys house. however, we got back together. We recently moved to portland to live with his family. and once again i find that he has been talking to her and trying to hide it from me. i dont want them to talk, she is very manipulative and i fear she will put negative thoughts into his mind about us. I dont want to give him an ultimatum, like if he doesnt stop talking to her ill leave him, becasue i fear he might leave me instead of stop talking to her. Any advice on what to do, or any opinions on whether or not im over-reacting? Please Help!
onedumbbroad Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 honey, you have to choose, someone you cant trust or being scared hes going to leave? there are tons of other guys out there, and i know thats easy to say but you should become the person you want to be and they will find you. so dont beat around the bush, either his ex or you, if he picks his ex then you didnt really belong together anyway.
Author manders0724 Posted March 28, 2007 Author Posted March 28, 2007 i understand what all of you are saying, however i have a few things to add. We have been together for only about a year on and off. He hasnt hung out with her or really seen her since he moved out of her parents house to live with me again. and that was like 4 months ago. He has seen her like once or twice, but only because he is very close to her parents and had went there to pick up his things from when he moved back in with me. in his mind, her parents are like great friends to him, which i understand to a point. I mean they were together for 2 years, so they would be fairly close. But someday he will have to let go of that. Dont let me fool you, our relationship is very serious for only having known eachother for a year. We have lived together for nearly all of the last 10 months. In fact I moved in to where him and my friends were stayin before we were even close, before we had even had sex. And now, i want us to work more than anything. And i know we can. At this point he is only talking to her like 2 times a month, which i can be okay with for now. The only reasons we have ever fought were because of other people. Also, i live with him at his parents house. His sister is my best friend. I have a job here in Portland where i live, and if i moved out i would have to quit my job and move back in with either my mother or my dad. I dont have anywhere else to go and no money saved. Besides, I have never been so sure about something, ever. Me and him will work. I know that me and him will be okay and i know that all relationships take work. So i am going to try for a while longer. Otherwise I would be losing the most important part of me. The one i love, the only one ive actually been willing to do anything for that wasnt my family. I dont need people telling me to leave him, what i need is people here to support me and give me advice on how to handle things. I am not going to give up on us.
oppath Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 The most important thing is that SHE KNOWS he is in a relationship with YOU and that he loves you, unequivocally.
Mary3 Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 OP you have stated that you don't want us to tell you to leave him . That someday she will magically go away ( she won't ) and you want us to tell you how to deal with this . Well deal with the fact that she likes to upset you knowing that they are both still chummy... She will always throw that in your face . Now you say you don't want to leave him. Then stay but please don't post about your pain ,( which will get worse unless your spineless bf blows her off for good ~ which likely won't happen because he is enjoying flirting with her )... only your pleasure of seeing them still playing with eachother. .. I gave you my best advice because it happened to me. He chose her over me and there ya go !
nicki Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I sure do understand your pain! It sounds like you want to stay with him and want reassurance from others that he isn't doing anything shady. But, I can't give that to you given the fact that he is hiding his communication and flirting openly with her right in front of you. Seems shady to me, and very disrespectful. If you are going to stay, then the only advice I have is to ask him to make his phone records open to you. He can either give you the password, or show you the statements every month. Then you will know his actual contact with this woman. If he refuses to do this, then I would immediately assume something more is going on. Don't believe that you are invading his privacy. You are simply asking him to verify what he is telling you is the truth, and he has lied, so how can you really believe his word on it's own? It is up to him to restore trust...but... I think you are wasting your time with this guy. I know it's hard, but consider moving out and getting your own life in order, separate from him. We've all been where you are. And we all wish later that we had run instead of giving some guy the benefit of the doubt when he didn't deserve it. The bottom line is that he should choose you over her. No big deal there. If his communication with her bothers you, then he doesn't do it....unless he cares more about preserving THEIR relationship instead of yours. (Ouch, I know.) If you stay, make yourself some male friends and be sure to flirt openly with them in front of him. (Sorry, but I tend to be pretty confrontational, as well as aggressive in keeping things reciprocal. I don't give what I don't get in a relationship. If things don't change quickly, I get out.) There was a poster on here (Walk?) who once said after telling her boyfriend she didn't want him to do something, if he didn't change, she starting doing the same thing. When he complained about it, she simply said, "I am giving you the space to do that, and myself the same freedom to do it as well." Anyway, I'm of the mind to tell you not to waste your time on a guy who isn't emotionally available to love you. You really do deserve better!
Recommended Posts