ratingsguy Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I'm currently on day 47 of NC with my separated MW. In the past few weeks I've been feeling better... couldn't tell you the last time I broke down. I've been dating casually, going out with friends and getting on with life. I've seen a therpist twice in this time, and it's been relatively helpful. Although, I still think about my MW at least once an hour every day by my estimation. Neither of us have broken NC, and I guess that's a good thing. I have been getting agrier and angrier towards her, yet I still love her and miss her deeply. It's weird. One minute I'll say to myself how much I hate her for what she's done/is doing, and the next I'll miss her completely... and look forward to May when we will talk again. Yesterday I did something kind of dumb. I was near her neighborhood, so I decided to drive past her house. All the cars were in the driveway, so I knew she was home. Then I drove past the highrise where her apartment is (that she shares with her H) and the lights were on, meaning that her H was there. I sat in the parking lot and just stared up to those windows. I don't know why I did it, but I wish I hadn't. I spent the ride home in tears, thinking about her more (i.e. - wonder what she's up to, etc.), and had trouble sleeping last night. She needed this time to herself being recently separated, and I can respect that. But I really wonder about the obstacles... mainly the fact that she's wealthy and 15 years older than me. Even if we did get together and start a relationship, what would her friends and family think? I hope this all makes sense... my head is kind of in a fog right now.
oyster Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 long time no hear from you. IF you get together she will be teased, "oh you like them young, blabla". seriously, you broke NC by driving purposely to her place! I say if it kills you that much, just call her up and talk heart to heart. I found NC not that useful for me. I talked to my xMW monthly. We keep the communication channels open so no misunderstanding.
sadbuttrue Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 sorry ratingsguy that you are in so much pain. i understand the confusing feelings of anger vs. complete and total love. i have felt the anger with my MM and the next moment i dont know how i would go on without him. it is such a desperately sad situation. good luck.
serial muse Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 RG, sorry to hear you're hurting so much still...good for you for making those strides to go on with your life!! I just wanted to share something...after a bad, bad breakup I had about two years ago, I was having a really hard time letting go and I started doing something that my therapist calls "checking" or reassurance-seeking behavior. I would constantly look my ex up online, read what he was writing, look at his pictures, etc. etc. - anything for news about him, to fill the big empty void I was feeling. It hurt, and yet I couldn't stop, because it felt so good to let my mind be fully engaged with him, even for just a few minutes. Yet afterward, I felt worse than ever, frequently crying (especially if there were any hint he was dating someone new). And yet I HAD to know, so I kept checking. Finally, though, what my therapist was trying to tell me started to sink in. The checking felt temporarily reassuring - it gave me a little "bump" of feeling connected again, knowing about his life again, etc. But then afterward, I was lower than ever. And it was when I really started to internalize this, and made myself stop checking, that I began to feel freer - not happy, by any stretch, but I began to see not being connected as my freedom, not as being cut off or isolated. I know you can't stop yourself from thinking about her, but checking on her - even if it's just driving by her house - does do hurt to you, as you found, by preventing you from fully growing into your life without her and learning how to be happy in that life. Maintaining space, hard as it is, can make a difference in your mindset, even if it's not always perceptible. I truly wish you luck.
Author ratingsguy Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 SM - that's a really good point. I have cut myself off from the easier ways of checking up on her... I deleted her off my IM and stopped checking her match.com profile a long time ago. But I guess since she lives about 20 miles away, it's not something I can do every day. Plus, I won't actually see her or what she's doing (unless she's in her front yard). I know I need to stop, because you're right... you will feel really bad afterwards... and I did. What I'm really not looking forward to is seeing her in May... yet I am looking forward to it. If things don't go well (or even if they go ok) I know I'll be a complete wreck afterwards. But why do I need to do it then? Because I need to her tell me exactly where we stand at that point, and be brutally honest in doing it.
Guest Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 RG just stop this madness. You are turning into a stalker and you ignore what other have said. They said don't drive past her house, and then you do just that and worse, you watch her because she is spending time with her husband and not you. You have been told to get on with your life and forget about meeting her in May. She used you--it happens. She is still involved with and might be sleeping with her husband. They might be reconciling. Start dating and get more therapy and start living without her because she is certainly living without you. If it helps, my xmm had me virtually begging to see him to get closure, but after that humiliating event I really pulled myself together and have not repeated my mistake. I have avoided the places he goes to, not because I want him to come looking for me, but because it helps me to move on if I know nothing about his life. He is history. Seeing him again would set me back, and if I saw him on his cell then I would wonder who he was talking to--does he have another OW? NC means no new hurts.
Meaplus3 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 RG, sorry to hear you're hurting so much still...good for you for making those strides to go on with your life!! I just wanted to share something...after a bad, bad breakup I had about two years ago, I was having a really hard time letting go and I started doing something that my therapist calls "checking" or reassurance-seeking behavior. I would constantly look my ex up online, read what he was writing, look at his pictures, etc. etc. - anything for news about him, to fill the big empty void I was feeling. It hurt, and yet I couldn't stop, because it felt so good to let my mind be fully engaged with him, even for just a few minutes. Yet afterward, I felt worse than ever, frequently crying (especially if there were any hint he was dating someone new). And yet I HAD to know, so I kept checking. Finally, though, what my therapist was trying to tell me started to sink in. The checking felt temporarily reassuring - it gave me a little "bump" of feeling connected again, knowing about his life again, etc. But then afterward, I was lower than ever. And it was when I really started to internalize this, and made myself stop checking, that I began to feel freer - not happy, by any stretch, but I began to see not being connected as my freedom, not as being cut off or isolated. I know you can't stop yourself from thinking about her, but checking on her - even if it's just driving by her house - does do hurt to you, as you found, by preventing you from fully growing into your life without her and learning how to be happy in that life. Maintaining space, hard as it is, can make a difference in your mindset, even if it's not always perceptible. I truly wish you luck. SM, This is very good advice! I know it is useful in my situation with having mm living nextdoor. I used to look ever chance I could and it hurt me so much after I did . I managed to change my routine and now I don't look and I feel much better. RG, You are doing a great job sticking to NC! Be proud of yourself for this! I know it hurt's. Hugs! AP
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 SM - that's a really good point. I have cut myself off from the easier ways of checking up on her... I deleted her off my IM and stopped checking her match.com profile a long time ago. But I guess since she lives about 20 miles away, it's not something I can do every day. Plus, I won't actually see her or what she's doing (unless she's in her front yard). I know I need to stop, because you're right... you will feel really bad afterwards... and I did. What I'm really not looking forward to is seeing her in May... yet I am looking forward to it. If things don't go well (or even if they go ok) I know I'll be a complete wreck afterwards. But why do I need to do it then? Because I need to her tell me exactly where we stand at that point, and be brutally honest in doing it. Maybe when May rolls around, it would be best for you two to talk on the phone instead of seeing eachother. It will be easier on you if her decision is to cut ties for good and move on....Atleast this way you've gone so long with NC, so making it more perminate won't kill you as much as it would if you did see her again face to face.
puddleofmud Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Hi RG and always glad to hear from you! I don't feel that you are a stalker per se as you have not done this kind of thing before and have not expressed any urge of doing so again. Facing reality is horrific and I think you did this out of some point of emotional process. Stalkers rarely admit and you've reached out--so in that I believe that you've done nothing particularly unhealthy. Her EX husband probably has little do with this, nor does her "money", nor your ages. As much as I don't wish to say this: it is over and I think you are finally facing that, (and fighting it) which we ALL do in our own unique way. This "May-ish" deadline was given to placate by someone who would not offer the dignity of honest truth. I am sorry and you do deserve better, but I do understand that doesn't really make you feel better. Stick around and continue to post for support as many of us are facing the same challenges. Warm hugs and many Blessings are being sent to you!
Recommended Posts