princessa Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Once either your or your ex have stopped all contact... How do you stop the fact that they've removed themselves from your life haunt you with resentment? Especially when they just vanish without saying bye or give any kind of explanation after a final argument? I don't think he hates me but the way he started NC seems just so disrespectful... even though I'm kind of grateful for that at the same time because if he had started saying goodbyes we would have probably both got teary-eyed and never left eachother. I did want to break it off with him many times in the past because he needed time to sort out his issues but I'd always run back to him because to me, once a breakup is final.. well it's final forever.... And this is my issue right now. I am moving on, but I'd like to think that if I ever run into him on the street two years from now, I'd actually want to hear about his life and if we're both available and have made substantial changes to our lives, I'd like to be able to welcome the idea of us getting to know eachother again. Except that when I decide to whipe out somebody from my life because of something that they did to me, that's not likely to happen. I usually end up avoiding and ignoring them for the rest of my life. Not to say that I carry the hatred around with me. I forgive, but they become irrelevant and I never have any interest in even speaking to them again. I might be civil to them, but any possibility of me showing the same level of interest in them as I would in somebody that I have never met before is forever gone. I don't want this to happen in this situation. Basically I'm mad at him for 3 things: 1. Not saying bye and that he still loves me and just coldly cut me off 2. Not trying hard enough during this relationship resulting in the pain of breakup 3. Making the decision to breakup on his own without consulting me Is there a way for me to stop resenting him for these things?
wlminfla Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I completely understand, friend! The things that seem to work, as painful as they may be are: 1. Just gotta give it time (which seem both impossible and forever) 2. Try as best you can to change your mentality about the whole thing, i.e. remember the good times, be glad it didn't turn really ugly during the breakup, and distance yourself enough to forget about the painful memories. I say this because I myself don't want any old hurts, wounds, aches, pains, etc. from the relationship to carry over into my new relationship (if and when it ever happens). That's neither fair to us or the next person. Believe me I know it's eaiser said than done. Sometimes you just gotta say, "This isn't fair, I got screwed over, I don't deserve it and I'm pissed about this but I don't want this shadow of gloom hanging over me forever". When I said that, mentalities will change and the shadow will fade.
spinback Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Hmm. I'm a bit ashamed to say that I've done this to my ex girlfriend, whom I split up with about 3 months ago (she just wasn't treating me very well any more). I told her I loved her and tried to keep talking to her so we could remain friends, but in the end I found it too difficult - every time we spoke I ended up returning to square one. I discovered this forum and heard a lot of talk about 'NC' (which I later figured out meant No Contact), and decided it was the only thing I could do to help myself get over her. I ceased all contact and it has remained that way for roughly 2 months. In the end I just made the decision that I had to look after Number One. I feel bad that I don't speak to my ex any more but it was sheer desperation to stifle my feelings for her that led me to NC. Maybe that's why your ex did the same thing... Could be wrong of course!
norajane Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Pity. Find a way to feel sorry for him - he's so messed up that he gave you up! If you can feel sorry for him, you can stop resenting him (poor thing, he's so messed up, he couldn't help himself from f*cking up our relationship), and it leaves the door open for you to treat him kindly if he wanders into your presence again someday.
Author princessa Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 Pity. Find a way to feel sorry for him - he's so messed up that he gave you up! If you can feel sorry for him, you can stop resenting him (poor thing, he's so messed up, he couldn't help himself from f*cking up our relationship), and it leaves the door open for you to treat him kindly if he wanders into your presence again someday. Hahah that made me chuckle, I don't know how you made it so simple... I think that might actually do the trick if I really put my mind into it.. but wouldn't that be more of a mind game that I'd be playing with myself as opposed to the truth? I sense that my sense of pride might take over the pity and keep resenting him until he does something to redeem himself.. but I guess that's not exactly forgiveness either.. Maybe in time I will forgive him for treating me this way and then once I do, I will be able to pity him for letting me go.
norajane Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 It's not a mind game if it is the truth. You've written about him often, and I have no doubt in mind that he actually is messed up to some degree. Aren't we all?
Author princessa Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 It's not a mind game if it is the truth. You've written about him often, and I have no doubt in mind that he actually is messed up to some degree. Aren't we all? Yes, yes we are.. but him more than most You're right though, I do think that he is messed up and that he needs to seriously work on his issues. Which is why I welcomed the breakup in some way. I also believe that he is a good person after all, which leaves me with and overall okay feeling about our past together. I think I might be more scared than anything because of the silence and the finality of the whole thing.
wlminfla Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 NoraJane, You are a hilarious genius :-) I loved your bit about pity. Granted, it's a little more difficult for me to say that since she left me for someone else BUT what I can say is that she often did treat me poorly and she threw away a great guy after six years...a guy who moved to two different cities for her and commuted back and forth for grad school. Yep, that's me! WLM
guitar Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Pity. Find a way to feel sorry for him - he's so messed up that he gave you up! If you can feel sorry for him, you can stop resenting him (poor thing, he's so messed up, he couldn't help himself from f*cking up our relationship), and it leaves the door open for you to treat him kindly if he wanders into your presence again someday. You know, that's actually really good advice!
norajane Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I've been there, done that! Pity works. You can let go of the resentment and bitterness, and even feel like the much bigger, much wiser person for having compassion for his poor tormented soul. As long as you don't get so compassionate that you feel the urge to help them fix their issues - you are not his therapist! - it really works to take the edge off your regrets. He's just too flawed, so sad for him.
Ssheena Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 This sounds oh so familiar. I don't hate my x but I'm mad at him for just walking away, saying we're done, we aren't compatible - his decision and then really pissed and hurt that he sent every single thing I ever gave him back to me. On the other hand, his problems have problems. His issues have issues. I am so glad he finally finally started to go see a therapist and I think having him be in my life was a way for me to see that yes, I should go back to school and finish my psychology degree. He had such a rough childhood and has both narcissist and I'd say, schizotypal personality disorders. One one hand I'm open to someone saying that people come through mirrors and talk to him but on the other hand some of the stuff he said was just too far out there. He was sure his old roommate was mad at him because he was with me because he had a crush on him. Just way too many problems for me. It's really for the best. People can only help themselves. I vote for "pity" as well oh..and I just remembered this one..I usually think - your loss loser. Oh, and have you ever run into one of your x's before? That's usually a good indication of how you would react should you see him again in a few years.
Author princessa Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 Oh, and have you ever run into one of your x's before? That's usually a good indication of how you would react should you see him again in a few years. Last ex I ran into I slapped him for spreading rumons about me and walked away It had been about 2 years since I had seen him. Hence this thread.. I don't want to do that to him. But he was my first actual real relationship and I believe he's the first person I've ever loved so I think (and hope) I would react differently.
allina Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 It's not something everyone believes but this is how I feel about the hating the ex situation, it's silly. People have to understandn that breakups happen, your ex cannot help the fact that they no longer loved you and did not want to continue the relationship. Remember that in a relationship people have the right to leave if they are unhappy or simply don't want to be with a SO any longer. What is someone supposed to do if they no longer want to be with ther SO? It's normal to feel hurt and angry but you can't really hate someone for not wanting to be with you. It's childish and silly. Now if your bf/gf was cruel and abusive, that's a reason to hate them or resent them. But in most situations it's best to tell yourself that for some rason or another (no the reason does NOT matter) your SO didn't want to be your SO and that that's their decision to make. Let it go and move on.
Author princessa Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 It's not something everyone believes but this is how I feel about the hating the ex situation, it's silly. People have to understandn that breakups happen, your ex cannot help the fact that they no longer loved you and did not want to continue the relationship. Remember that in a relationship people have the right to leave if they are unhappy or simply don't want to be with a SO any longer. What is someone supposed to do if they no longer want to be with ther SO? It's normal to feel hurt and angry but you can't really hate someone for not wanting to be with you. It's childish and silly. Now if your bf/gf was cruel and abusive, that's a reason to hate them or resent them. But in most situations it's best to tell yourself that for some rason or another (no the reason does NOT matter) your SO didn't want to be your SO and that that's their decision to make. Let it go and move on. Well it's not always as simple as "I don't love you anymore, so I'm leaving". Sometimes the circumstances are such that two people who do love eachother end up splitting because they don't know how to make it work at that time. And even if a guy really doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore, there are plenty of things in the way he does the breaking up that could piss a girl off. They are valid reasons. Whether disrespect was involved, harsh words were said.. and just in general I could be mad at his attitude towards the relationship and the fact that he could have done things differently. This is different from resenting him for not wanting to be with me anymore. I did mention in my post that that's not what I am mad about, as a matter of fact I stated that I'm kind of relieved about this breakup.
allina Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Basically I'm mad at him for 3 things: 1. Not saying bye and that he still loves me and just coldly cut me off 2. Not trying hard enough during this relationship resulting in the pain of breakup 3. Making the decision to breakup on his own without consulting me Okay, I understand what you are saying above but look at this quote. You are expecting him to breakup with you in a warm, sweet way and to tell you he loves you? That makes no sense. There isn't really a great way to breakup, it's always going to be unpleasant. And why would he say he loves you as he's breaking up with you? Two, you said he didn't try hard enough and that it resulted in the breakup. Okay maybe he didn't put as much effort in as he could have, but clearly he didn't care enough to give it 100%. Be glad he let you go when he did and didnt drag things out. The third thing you're mad about is that he decided to breakup without consulting you. He has every right to do that if that's what he wants. Overall is seems that no matter how you chose to word things you're mad that he left. He was clear in wanting to end things, didn't drag things out making it more hurtful and confusing, no reason to hate him for it.
Author princessa Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 Okay, I understand what you are saying above but look at this quote. You are expecting him to breakup with you in a warm, sweet way and to tell you he loves you? That makes no sense. There isn't really a great way to breakup, it's always going to be unpleasant. And why would he say he loves you as he's breaking up with you? It's not improbable for two people who love eachother to break up. He's facing some really tough issues in his life, and he has been for the most part of our relationship, which caused him to neglect me. I, being neglected, didn't take this very well and didn't make his life any easier either. He wasn't strong enough to get his issues resolved, and I got tired of being in that situation. That doesn't mean that we didn't love eachother, we just couldn't make it work. You can read some of my threads if you want but it was one huge mess. I've broken up with him before as well, and that didn't mean that I didn't love him. I agree that there isn't a great way to break up, but just cutting somebody off without even saying that you're breaking up is disrespectful. Overall is seems that no matter how you chose to word things you're mad that he left. He was clear in wanting to end things, didn't drag things out making it more hurtful and confusing, no reason to hate him for it. No, I am mad at how he left. That's different. And no, he wasn't clear in wanting thing to end. He just vanished without giving any reason or heads up. That's now how I expect a man whom I have spent so much energy on to act.
allina Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 No, I am mad at how he left. That's different. And no, he wasn't clear in wanting thing to end. He just vanished without giving any reason or heads up. That's now how I expect a man whom I have spent so much energy on to act. Okay, but still, my reply to "how to stop hating your ex?" still stands as the above. Stop hating your ex by understanding that no matter how they leave it can't be perfect, it's a breakup it's not going to feel nice. Plus, people rarely act their best when going through a breakup. Anger isn't going to make him come back or help you move on. It's so cliche but the best revenge is living well, not dwelling on how or why someone acted as they did.
ruby_gloom Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 No, I am mad at how he left. Could it be that you don't necessarily hate him, per se, but rather simply hate the way he left . . . as you mentioned above? I think this may be what you are feeling, but of course I could be wrong. The reason why I think this is because you wrote in your initial post that you would like to be able to someday welcome the idea of you and he trying a relationship again, once both of your past/current issues have been resolved. IMO, if you feel this way, then you must not really hate the guy; if you did, I really doubt you would ever want to have anything to do with him again. So, I think that you still have feelings for him. Maybe both of you really do love each other still, but sometimes love simply is not enough. There are many things that can prevent people from being one with each other despite loving each other. I honestly don't believe that the idea of "if you loved me, you would be here with me" is always entirely accurate. Personally, I have to admit that I still love my exbf and I am sure that he still has feelings for me. Perhaps he doesn't love me anymore, but I know that he does still have "feelings." However, in my case, my love and his feelings were not enough to keep us together. With my problems, his lifestyle and our seemingly entirely different outlook on life, it just got too complicated. The many issues and problems made it so that the love was simply not enough; it often hurt more than it felt good, and when we both realized it, we both knew we couldn't be together. I wanted to, but it was too much for him, so he left. Like you, he ended up cutting me out completely out of his life. At the end, we had the meaningless and generic "we'll still be friends" talk, but we both knew it wasn't true. We are neither friends nor strangers and it truly is a rather uncomfortable place. Sometimes when I get angry, I'll say that I hate him and blah blah, but the truth is that I don't. I do hate the fact that he cut me out of his life so effortlessly, though, and it really hurt, especially considering I had known him for almost 7 years. Today, I still hate the way he "left"--with a smile on his face when he said, "I'll see you on Thursday, okay?" only to completely disappear the very day he said these words. So, it's not that I hate him, because I really don't. Sure, sometimes I might say it, but that's just anger talking, not my real sentiments. Maybe you don't hate him, either; maybe, as you said, you simply hate and are hurt by the way he left. They are not the same thing. And being angry/hurt at the way they leave is also not the same thing as being angry/hurt that they have left, either, imo. Ultimately, though, I think this is something you have to reconcile with yourself: you know the reasons why he left, so it's up to you to determine whether those reasons were valid enough to warrant him leaving in the way that he did. Maybe it would simply hurt him too much to see you one more time. Or maybe he's just a coward. You know him and I think you're the only one that can decide whether you will be able to "forgive" his way of leaving. You know you want to, but you need to figure out if you'll actually be able to.
bridget_jones Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 I really focus on just not thinking of him. Whenever he pops into my head, I just go "bam" and get rid of that thought. Also I try to think positive and look forward to a life of new possibilities. You just have to let go of the angry feelings, time will do that. You will meet someone else who will show you it was all for the best. I think he broke up with you because he knew that it had to be a final break so it wouldn't keep giving you hope that you would get back together. Also, some people know they just want to break up with someone, and they don't know exactly how to clarify why to the person being broken up with. The dumpee always wants a detailed explanation of 'why' and the dumper doesn't really know how to answer that themselves, they just know they want/need out. Dumpees always tend to feel there is some injustice to the way they were broken up with but really...there is no "happy" way to break up with them. No matter how you break up with someone, they're going to feel like you were wrong and insensitive to them. I think of relationships that end as chapters in my life that were wonderful but now it is over. And I can live and look forward to the next chapter. No regrets, no hard feelings! If you want to read about a person who is still focused on being mad at his ex, in the disguise of actually being healed, read Teachers Pets posts. He is still bashing her to the lowest level 9 months later, lots of anger there toward his ex still festering. Don't be that person in a year.
Author princessa Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 Could it be that you don't necessarily hate him, per se, but rather simply hate the way he left . . . as you mentioned above? You're absolutely right. I don't hate him at all. As a matter of fact I'll be the first to admit that I still love him. But even though I love him resentment still finds a way to haunt my thoughts when I think about the way he left. I think that it is possible to hate somebody if you let resentment take over and focus on it for a long time without any more happy memories to replace it... I hope it will not come to that, so I will make an effort to focus on the good memories, and as NJ suggested, think of him with pity in a way that allows me to be OK with the fact that the breakup is indeed final and how it all went down. So, I think that you still have feelings for him. Maybe both of you really do love each other still, but sometimes love simply is not enough. There are many things that can prevent people from being one with each other despite loving each other. I honestly don't believe that the idea of "if you loved me, you would be here with me" is always entirely accurate. Yes I've already made peace with the fact that love just isn't enough sometimes. I've wrote about this many times here on LS.. It's still a concept that I can't fully comprehend because I don't find it very logical to love someone that you can't be with.. or the other way around... But that's just life I guess, not everything makes sense all the time. Personally, I have to admit that I still love my exbf and I am sure that he still has feelings for me. Perhaps he doesn't love me anymore, but I know that he does still have "feelings." However, in my case, my love and his feelings were not enough to keep us together. With my problems, his lifestyle and our seemingly entirely different outlook on life, it just got too complicated. The many issues and problems made it so that the love was simply not enough; it often hurt more than it felt good, and when we both realized it, we both knew we couldn't be together. I wanted to, but it was too much for him, so he left. Like you, he ended up cutting me out completely out of his life. At the end, we had the meaningless and generic "we'll still be friends" talk, but we both knew it wasn't true. We are neither friends nor strangers and it truly is a rather uncomfortable place. Sometimes when I get angry, I'll say that I hate him and blah blah, but the truth is that I don't. I do hate the fact that he cut me out of his life so effortlessly, though, and it really hurt, especially considering I had known him for almost 7 years. Today, I still hate the way he "left"--with a smile on his face when he said, "I'll see you on Thursday, okay?" only to completely disappear the very day he said these words. So, it's not that I hate him, because I really don't. Sure, sometimes I might say it, but that's just anger talking, not my real sentiments. Yeah I feel you, it's hard to be cut off when you've been such a big part of eachothers' lives for so long, it just doesn't make sense and it hurts. I don't think you should think that it was "effortless" for him though. I find that guys are often radical in their actions, and once their minds are set on something they will execute no matter what. That doesn't mean that they're not going through the sadness and emptiness on their side. It only means that they're sticking to the decision. You've been part of his life for 7 years, surely he hasn't forgotten that the moment he decided to end it. And I'm sure he won't forget it anytime soon either. Us too, have many times decided to break up and stay friends because we really wanted to be part of eachother's lives. But being friends was always too hard. We've tried to say goodbye many times as well.. only to find out that neither of us was able to handle the goodbyes nor the breakup. Perhaps he figured that just vanishing is the only way the breakup could actually work. And it does. And yet it is hurtful and kind of cowardly in a way... Question: why didn't you make a thread about your story?
marlena Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 So agree Nora Jane, When you start pitying them and seeing them as real people with shortcomings just as you yourself are it helps the healing process tremendously. That's how it worked for me where my ex husband was concerned. I wouldn't talk to him for five years. By the way, he left me for another woman. When, quite accidentally, we ran into eachother 5 years after the break up he was with his new wife. He looked ravaged and very unhappy. I ran out of the restaurant with my girlfriends chasing me and burst into tears. I felt so sorry for him and the person he had become. After that, all the resentment deflated and we became good friends to this very day. His wife was killed in a car accident a year ago. He was bangly banged up as well. Also went through cancer five years ago. Today I am friends with him and his son which he had with his new wife is always at my house.. He and my daughter have become great brother and sister. Today I am going out with him. I feel nothing but pity and compassion for him though God only knows he put me through hell. He doean't have that power over me anymore!!! And yes, get into that mindset Nora Jane expounds...pity him for what he has given up ---YOU! One day he probably will pity himself too for having given you up....
hrtbroken99 Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 princessa your ex sounds a LOT like MINE. hmm I wonder if they are related in some secret way...even your story sounds like mine...my ex also kicked me out of his life with out of the blues without talking to me about it...giving me a vague explanation...or I should say NO explanation...not saying bye..i love you...or trying hard enough in the relationship....i think my problem is that i cant find a way to HATE HIM. I really want to HATE him but only am madly in love with him and I feel that, that is what is making me forget about him or move on so much more difficult..an hour does not go by without me thinking about him...you have recieved some good advice from others here...i really dont have much to say but I was surprised to read this post and see how your ex did the excact same thing as mine..by the way do you have a pm i could send you at?
Author princessa Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 princessa your ex sounds a LOT like MINE. hmm I wonder if they are related in some secret way...even your story sounds like mine...my ex also kicked me out of his life with out of the blues without talking to me about it...giving me a vague explanation...or I should say NO explanation...not saying bye..i love you...or trying hard enough in the relationship....i think my problem is that i cant find a way to HATE HIM. I really want to HATE him but only am madly in love with him and I feel that, that is what is making me forget about him or move on so much more difficult..an hour does not go by without me thinking about him...you have recieved some good advice from others here...i really dont have much to say but I was surprised to read this post and see how your ex did the excact same thing as mine..by the way do you have a pm i could send you at? Well there was much more to it in reality.. Our relationship had been rocky for about a year and we both have made severat attempts at braking up.. it was mostly me actually because I didn't feel I was getting anything out of the relationship and being neglected was causing me a great deal of pain.. We tried many times to stay friends, stay together with a no-expactations agreement, etc etc.. there was never an issue of falling out of love or being with somebody else even during the time we were friends... Anyway when he did disappear it was right after an argument that we had.. so it's not like there was zero warning signs...
1DeadB Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 princessa, Your young, you need to convince yourself to just get over it and get on with your life. There are so many men out there. Go get a couple!
Author princessa Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 princessa, Your young, you need to convince yourself to just get over it and get on with your life. There are so many men out there. Go get a couple! Hey, young or not, break ups are never easy for anybody. I will get on with my life eventually.
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