lilly126 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 2 years ago, I became friends with a girl who was dating one of my boyfriend's friends. We hit it off immediately and started hanging out all the time. She had moved here from halfway across the US, and I felt kinda bad for her. I took her everywhere with me, introduced her to my friends, always made sure to invite her along. I never wanted her to feel like she didn't have any friends. So we became close. Her and her boyfriend ended up breaking up, and it was not amicable. In fact, it was downright ugly, and I was there for her through it all, comforting her, taking her out, talking to her about things when she needed to. A few months later, she met one of my boyfriend's best friends and they hit it off. They started dating. Now, he's not the nicest person in the world -- he's demeaning to women, he's offensive and unapologetic when he appalls others, and he doesn't care. But whatever -- it's her life. This guy has never liked me, not from day one, even though my boyfriend will tell you I've done nothing to him. Well, as soon as they started dating, she stopped being friends with me. She became really distant, stopped returning my calls, stopped inviting me places, etc. My boyfriend told me to just brush it off -- that obviously, she has chosen her boyfriend over her 2 year friendship with me. The problem is, we work together. I had gotten her a job here when her old one was making her really unhappy. Now, thanks to me, she's $10,000 a year richer, with more security and independence, AND I have to see her every day. I've been going through some hard times right now, and I tried to open up to her about it. She pretty much told me, "Oh, it's okay, you'll find a way to deal with it." Never once did she say "I'm here if you need me" or "Call me if you want to hang out." Never ONCE. After opening up to her and even crying in front of her and getting the total SHAFT, I decided to just say screw it. She's been emailing my friends as well. They're "acquaintances", and my friends have told me "we're not that close with her -- we were just friends with her because of you" but she still emails them nearly every day. But the weird thing is, we all work out at the same gym, and yesterday, after having emailed one of my friends during the day, she walked right past my friend and wouldn't even look into her face. Seriously, WTF? I know she's not a great person and I've come to terms with the fact that our friendship is over, but my question is, how am I supposed to handle working with her? Sometimes she makes me so angry that I want to tell her off, and other times I just avoid her completely. It's really making my job feel uncomfortable, but I'm not going to go. I was here first and I'm not going to screw up my career opportunity because of some crappy friend. What do you all think?
Dadubwa Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Ya know what you could do. Be the bigger person ALTHOUGH you already have...being as nice as you were taking her under your wing and all... Ask her out to lunch, ask her how "life" has been, ask her why you guys fell out of friendship. Make it light, make it easy. ...Just while doing so continue to understand that her friendship is a dime a dozen in this world. If you hate her all to much, just bluntly say to her "Look, I'm not fond of how crap has been between us, but we do have to work together, so lets just take it easy here, leave drama at the door, if you'd like to work it out, lets work it out. If not, I really don't care, just keep the crap outside work." Easier said than done, I know. Good luck! Keep us posted!
1DeadB Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 2 years ago, I became friends with a girl who was dating one of my boyfriend's friends. We hit it off immediately and started hanging out all the time. She had moved here from halfway across the US, and I felt kinda bad for her. I took her everywhere with me, introduced her to my friends, always made sure to invite her along. I never wanted her to feel like she didn't have any friends. So we became close. Her and her boyfriend ended up breaking up, and it was not amicable. In fact, it was downright ugly, and I was there for her through it all, comforting her, taking her out, talking to her about things when she needed to. A few months later, she met one of my boyfriend's best friends and they hit it off. They started dating. Now, he's not the nicest person in the world -- he's demeaning to women, he's offensive and unapologetic when he appalls others, and he doesn't care. But whatever -- it's her life. This guy has never liked me, not from day one, even though my boyfriend will tell you I've done nothing to him. Well, as soon as they started dating, she stopped being friends with me. She became really distant, stopped returning my calls, stopped inviting me places, etc. My boyfriend told me to just brush it off -- that obviously, she has chosen her boyfriend over her 2 year friendship with me. The problem is, we work together. I had gotten her a job here when her old one was making her really unhappy. Now, thanks to me, she's $10,000 a year richer, with more security and independence, AND I have to see her every day. I've been going through some hard times right now, and I tried to open up to her about it. She pretty much told me, "Oh, it's okay, you'll find a way to deal with it." Never once did she say "I'm here if you need me" or "Call me if you want to hang out." Never ONCE. After opening up to her and even crying in front of her and getting the total SHAFT, I decided to just say screw it. She's been emailing my friends as well. They're "acquaintances", and my friends have told me "we're not that close with her -- we were just friends with her because of you" but she still emails them nearly every day. But the weird thing is, we all work out at the same gym, and yesterday, after having emailed one of my friends during the day, she walked right past my friend and wouldn't even look into her face. Seriously, WTF? I know she's not a great person and I've come to terms with the fact that our friendship is over, but my question is, how am I supposed to handle working with her? Sometimes she makes me so angry that I want to tell her off, and other times I just avoid her completely. It's really making my job feel uncomfortable, but I'm not going to go. I was here first and I'm not going to screw up my career opportunity because of some crappy friend. What do you all think? You seem so bitter??? Why can't you be civil and act professional at work. Don't go out of your way to talk to her, but don't avoid her either. Christ...Isn't this common sense???
LittleWoman12 Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 You seem so bitter??? Why can't you be civil and act professional at work. Don't go out of your way to talk to her, but don't avoid her either. Christ...Isn't this common sense???Is it a requirement of this board? I think not after reading most of the posts here. I wish I was a man, I'd...forget it.
shellys-trying Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 If you're lucky, her BF will prolly make her quit, if he has such an influence on her behavior toward you, and you won't have to worry about it long. I've had to work with someone like this. I totally ignore them and only deal with them when I absolutely have to. When you get fed up with it enough you will be able to look through her. Obviously she's made her choice. When she sees you have moved on, she'll get the hint. I'd take your BF's advice. If she's picking her jerk BF over you, she's not worth your time or anger. Good luck!
Author lilly126 Posted June 13, 2007 Author Posted June 13, 2007 WOW, first of all, I wasn't bitter when I wrote that entry -- I was HURT. But it's fine, you know, if you don't have anything productive to say to people on these boards, then don't waste your time. I was genuinely confused because I've never had to deal with this situation before, and I wanted an outsider's opinion -- someone who didn't know the two of us. But wow, you certainly had nice things to say! Funny thing is, I was being the bigger person. She was the one who had resorted to spreading our business around work, to rolling her eyes at me and being openly rude in front of others. I, meanwhile, was still being CIVIL and saying "good morning" or "hello" to her when I passed her in the halls. I'm not the one who spread our business, and in fact, when a co-worker asked me about the situation, my response was "that's personal, and this is my job, so I'd rather not discuss it." But thanks for your COMMON SENSE advice!
shellys-trying Posted June 13, 2007 Posted June 13, 2007 personally, Lily, I commend you on your use of common sense. You have alot more patience and kindness than I would have. I'd have done told her off and gave her dagger looks everytime I saw her. But, you are using some sense and not trying to be all Betty Badazz, and that is to be congratulated. Don't worry about what others say that's derogatory. They just sound like they're trying to pick a fight.
varnia Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 Hey Babe just wanted to say I have had a situation recently which is similar and different also. I have had a supposed friend go off with my ex and believe all the crap she is spouting to him and they have been nasty behind my back and I have to see them at uni every day and work on a project with them. So I know how you feel. I will tell you what made it way easier was pretending not to care. it is extremely hard to do, and I am an emotional person so it's very very hard for me, especially when I had so much rage and hurt toward them, but it made me in position of more power over them. They would be wondering "why doesn't she seem to care" and that is the best way to get this girl to stop hurting you. I stay away from them as much as possible but when I see them I say hi also but keep walking. Do the same and ignore her behaviour. It will bite her in the bum sooner or later. She will no doubt have issues with her bf and stuff up her job with a maturity level like hers. Continue to be the bigger person and walk away. You will feel empowered :Dand better things will come in to your life. Keep us informed.
doiask42much Posted June 15, 2007 Posted June 15, 2007 1deadB, you are an ass. Lily was kind to this girl and was basically betrayed and dismissed and is now forced to be reminded of that fact every workday. If that wouldn't hurt you or make you bitter, you must not have anyone you actually give a s*** about.
kali420 Posted June 20, 2007 Posted June 20, 2007 I have burned bridges between friends myself. Working with her may seem very awkward. If you just concentrate on work, that will help you get through the day, the week, the month. I always had a hard time maintaining friends....who i relaize are really acquaintances.
TheSilentType Posted June 21, 2007 Posted June 21, 2007 It seems from the beginning you wanted her friendship more than she wanted yours. She just had nobody, so was willing to give you a chance. The very fact that she picked this offensive guy as her new bf should pretty much tell you all you need to know about her. BIRDS OF A FEATHER ALWAYS FLOCK TOGETHER, so if he's an ass then you can bet she's an ass. Your boyfriend also seems to like this guy inspite of his offensive qualities. Hmmmm that also says something about your boyfriend. And it says something about you too - that you chose and want to be around people like this. Well if that is what you want, then be prepared to deal with this kind of crap. If you don't want this heartache, then associate with a higher quality people. If not, deal with it.
Author lilly126 Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 I just wanted to thank everyone who responded. I appreciate all the outside opinions. some of them offended me, but most of them were very helpful. The situation is resolved. I did the best I could do, which was to be as adult and civil as possible. Eventually things got better. Now I'm deep in the process of looking for a new job, not just because of this situation, but because I just haven't been happy with the whole environment here. Things should be turning around soon!
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