I dont want to lose him over nothing!

[ash519]

So- As some of you may know, i tend to be a tad insecure.

 

My bf and I have been together 2 years, living together for 1. We love eachother and i think this is it for me, and him too as long as I relax!

 

I tend to get upset when he goes to parties, or out with friends to houses I have never been too. Well, he did that 2 nights ago so I chose to give him the silent treatment before he left and we got in a big fight yesterday. I told him I have some issues trusting his word because he has told lies in the past. He told me these lies because he knew I'd get mad and he had done nothing wrong...which I do understand, I am not nieve, but we have since clarified...he promised, no more lies PERIOD!

 

He is a musician, not your typical 'god's gift to women' type, but he has a passion and is in a band and loves playing music for people. When he does go out it tends to revolve around this.

 

My point in this post? If I dont relax, i am going to lose him. He hates that everytime he goes out and has a good time he later regrets it due to the fact that I get all upset. And I understand that.

 

Wouldnt it be better for him to be happy and feel free then to smother him?

 

People constantly say parties and bars are giving temptations and add drinking to it and you are waiting for disaster...but isnt it better to let him have those temptations and show that he loves me and wouldnt give in rather than keep him from these situations due to fears and insecurities? I wish I could word this better!

 

What makes me insecure? What do i fear? I dont fear him cheating, I get nervous he will meet someone else and maybe somehow fall for them. Of course he says that will NEVER happen and he loves me and i am the only one for him BUT he needs to be able to be free to the extent of being able to go to these "Social gatherings".

 

Any advice, comments, similar situations etc. Sorry if this is jumbled!!! I dont want to lose him over the fact that he is doing NOTHING WRONG!!!

 

Oh yeah...We almost broke up last night, it was bad!!! But i told him I will fix this!

[the_pope]

Hello Ash.

 

I am having a similar problem. I do not trust what my girlfriend says about her feelings for me. Nevertheless, it is all in the same category. That is trust issues.

 

A surefire way to lose somebody is to dis-trust them. It is ok for a while, as the other person will tolerate it for a while. However, if no improvement is shown, people usually let go of you.

 

By what you have said, it does not seem too late. It is still saveable but YOU must do YOUR work.

 

What you have to do is to completely change your natural thought process. You have a natural reaction to things. Your natural reaction is that of a cynic. Nothing wrong with that, it is what protects you. However, within relationships there is something wrong with that. Relationships are the one place where you are supposed to let go, and trust. Without trust a relationship is nothing.

 

I would suggest starting small. Does he always reply to texts? If so, there is a start. Trust in that. Start small.

 

Eventually, once you start to change your thoughts for more positive ones, you will learn to trust him on the highest level. He re-assures you which shows consideration. He doesn't just blow up and threaten to dump you. He takes on board how you feel. But everybody has their limits.

 

It really is possible and as I have said, I am where you are. Although my girlfriend has only just, for the first time, shown her first real concern for my cynicism. I haven't got that much to do. We're still new in a relationship and it hasn't gone as far as you.

 

In summary, I want to tell you that it is entirely possible for you to change. Entirely. The power of the mind, your mind, is incredible. Show what you're made of, and if it does all go wrong, well, there is an unprecedented positive side to that too, once you get over him. But, I do not think it will go wrong. He lives with you, he has made that commitment. There, there is another example for you.

 

Good luck.

[ash519]

So, I posted this on another site because I only got one response here. By the way Pope, I truly hope I can change the thought process I have and stop these obsessive thoughts because once they overcome me it's done for, i get more and more anxiety and upset etc.

 

Anyway, on this other site so many women were basically saying that if your man goes to a bar without you and gets hit on, he will cheat and forget about you. Doesnt that sound ridiculous!? I know my thoughts are irrational. I want to fix them truly!

[the_pope]

A lot of men probably would, but certainly not all. I know I for one, would most certainly not and I have several male friends who I know for certain would not.

 

It all depends how he feels about himself. Does he have generally high self esteem? If so, he won't need the attention of other women.

 

If he does, then it could be a blessing in disguise because it means you can move on and work on yourself, which, would banish this insecurity once and for all.

 

Unfortunately, it is a self fulfilling prophecy. The more you worry, the more rotten it becomes in your soul and it is harder to rid of.

 

But, it is not impossible and you really do have to start thinking positively.

[kribby]

So, I posted this on another site because I only got one response here. By the way Pope, I truly hope I can change the thought process I have and stop these obsessive thoughts because once they overcome me it's done for, i get more and more anxiety and upset etc.

 

Anyway, on this other site so many women were basically saying that if your man goes to a bar without you and gets hit on, he will cheat and forget about you. Doesnt that sound ridiculous!? I know my thoughts are irrational. I want to fix them truly!

 

I guess it really depends on his uh... moral fiber.

[manders0724]

I am with you guys on this one. I have the same insecurities in my relationship and we also live together. I know he wont cheat on me, it just wouldnt happen. but somehow i get upset when he goes out or talks to people i dont trust. Like you said, I dont fear him cheating, I fear him finding someone else and leaving me.

 

I guess I too must somehow change the way I think about things. I over analyze thinsg also. And you are right, posting on sites like these you dont typically get good answers. All you hear is women telling you that you are right.

 

Well heres the thing, I dont think I am right. I know I am insecure and I have to change. I also dont think you are right, I think you and me and alot of other women are alike. We are so insecure about ourselves that it takes ahold of our relationships.

 

I am trying to change, however it is very hard. Things still get to me, but I am trying to ignore them and tell myself that I am just overreacting. I know you must feel the same way....

 

So my advice is, that us women need to concur our fear of trusting people.

[1DeadB]

Ash,

 

He's going out without you. You need to take controll. Go out yourself and don't be there when he gets home. I'm not saying you should do 'anything wrong' but what the hell.

 

Learn to live your own life.

[kribby]

I am with you guys on this one. I have the same insecurities in my relationship and we also live together. I know he wont cheat on me, it just wouldnt happen. but somehow i get upset when he goes out or talks to people i dont trust. Like you said, I dont fear him cheating, I fear him finding someone else and leaving me.

 

I guess I too must somehow change the way I think about things. I over analyze thinsg also. And you are right, posting on sites like these you dont typically get good answers. All you hear is women telling you that you are right.

 

Well heres the thing, I dont think I am right. I know I am insecure and I have to change. I also dont think you are right, I think you and me and alot of other women are alike. We are so insecure about ourselves that it takes ahold of our relationships.

 

I am trying to change, however it is very hard. Things still get to me, but I am trying to ignore them and tell myself that I am just overreacting. I know you must feel the same way....

 

So my advice is, that us women need to concur our fear of trusting people.

 

Hmm... see I don't feel this way. I don't distrust my BF... and each BF(well-- all my ex's) I've had- I've never distrusted. I don't understand why folks waste energy and time whining and moaning and groaning about their boyfriends going out with friends and having their own life. It just isn't fair to the guy or to yourself. It isn't mature either. A boyfriend, a lover, a husband, a whatever-- they are not prizes-- trophies to hang in your house and to have around 24/7 to simply adore you. He's a human being-- he needs downtime-- fun-- friends... and so do women. It's only healthy.

 

I think, if someone has never given you any reason to doubt their love and respect for your relationship then they deserve to be trusted.

 

If you don't respect your relationship then you are not nurturing it-- you are poisoning it.

 

Who wa nts poison?

[Aloros]

What?? Men aren't around simply to adore us?

 

I kid, I kid.

 

I used to be pretty insecure when I was younger, but I've learned to overcome it. I'll admit, sometimes I have lapses of distrust (I have a super overactive imagination, and it runs away with me sometimes), but it's gotten so much better.

 

I think what helps is to face that fear. What is the worst thing in this scenario? He finds someone else and leaves you. Ok. Say it happens. Your fears are realized. He leaves you for someone else. Will it hurt? Yes. Will it really, really suck and you'll spend a lot of time moping and eating things that probably aren't good for you? Yes. Will life go on? Yes. Will you meet someone else? Yes.

 

What do you have if your boyfriend leaves you? You probably still have family, friends, a job, maybe pets, and hobbies that you'll probably have more time for. That's a big chunk of life. You lived before he came around, you'll be fine if he's gone.

 

So if the worst happens, life will eventually go on and you will be happy again. If that's so, then why are you wasting your time worrying? If he leaves you, he is probably not the one you're looking for anyway. If he cheats on you, he wasn't worth your time or emotions anyway. Don't sabotage what you've got, and give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Relax a little. Do you really want to be that person with the prematurely gray hair, who lies on their deathbed and says to themselves, "Wow. I wasted a lot of time and energy in my life just worrying. I wish I'd done something else"?

 

Anyways, that's my personal pep-talk.