Magnatolia Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Hi All, Okay I have given myself the goal of improving my interactions with women in both friendship and potential relationships. I am very shy, but mainly when it comes to a person I don't know that well which unfortunately makes it near impossible for me to gather the confidence to approach someone and makes it hard for me to get to know them. What I'm looking for is people to literally guide me through the whole process from chatting to people on IM to gaining enough confidence to be charismatic and approachable, the confidence to go up to a woman in any situation and know how to always create good rapport and an interesting conversation. Starting New Topics I seem to have a huge problem starting brand new topics. Like I feel weird asking things like what sort of music does the person listen to, or what did they watch on tv the other night? I know these type of questions are the building blocks of a good conversation so any advice on what to talk about would be great. Basically I'm looking for very specific advice, kind of like a coach. Imagine if you were standing next to me watching me interact with a woman, what sort of things would you be telling me? And please don't tell me to be myself. 'Myself' is the reason why I am unsuccessful. I'm the sort of person who learns from experience, knowledge and practice (practice and experience only work for me if I have knowledge). Also, if you know of any good conversation transcript things you can give me that might help me out that would be really appreciated. IMing on a regular basis Okay so there's one or two people who I message on a regular, almost daily basis. I usually say hi and ask how the day goes (each time I chat to her) then I go from there. But with instant messaging I also find it awkward to literally start a brand new topic (topics that would be classed as small-chat). My Current Level At the moment, if a woman approaches me (rarely happens) and starts a conversation I'm okay (not one of those shy people who stutters, stammers and makes a complete fool of themselves) but usually I only keep going full steam ahead when they introduce topics. It's just when that topic dies I find it hard to come up with something else to talk about. My Lack of Confidence My lack of confidence is pretty much based on my lack of communication skill. I kind of see us exchanging pleasantries and the obvious 'so what do you do?' question but then in my head it's blank. The conversation dies and then it's awkward (all in my head but that's quite often what happens anyway). This then means that I don't have the 'experience' that is required to increase confidence. Silences I also have a problem with silence in conversations. If a prolonged silence appears (say I might be chatting to someone on the train, or someone who's giving me a lift to work) I start to think that things aren't going very well and then I get nervous. So first is silence a bad thing, and how long should silence go for before it becomes a problem? Also how can you tell if the silence is natural or awkward? Overall: As you can see I am in dire trouble when it comes to holding up my end of the conversation, and my lack of confidence to go up to a women. So any advice and help you can offer me would be really great. This is the major part of my life I want to change, and I'm really looking forward to your help. I will post some other bits and pieces in a reply. I might also start posting things that happen during the day to get an idea of where I'm going wrong and what I can do to improve. Look forward to your replies. Thanks Maggz
alphamale Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I think my friend ERIK can assist you better than I can...
Erik Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I think we should all collaborate on a how-to, this seems to be a recurrent theme. Also, a how-to about Just Friends and one on Sex Slaves. That would take care of half the questions in here. But then, where would all the fun go?
alphamale Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I think we should all collaborate on a how-to, this seems to be a recurrent theme. Also, a how-to about Just Friends and one on Sex Slaves. That would take care of half the questions in here. if I could fix all these problems MAGNATOLIA has I'd be a trillionaire...
DanielMadr Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 You can probably find some elaborate analysis and recommendendations for your "problem". But when you get to the core you realize its about FEAR. FEAR of loosing her. FEAR that you make fool of ourself. And FEAR that you will experince the FEAR. Get rid of that fears. Its only in your head. Dont think too much, be a bit careless. When you go to the battle be ready to die there....it makes you fight better. I know the fear you experience when trying to chat up girl is different (and worse ) than that of fighting a grizzly bear. Grizzly wont make you feel bad, he will kill you in a minute Dont think too much of the outcome. Stay cool, colected and dont try too hard. You get rid of the fears and you have confidence. All you need is balls and some sense of romance - good conversations skills, art for teasing, art of sex. Those conversations skills are not crucial. When you have balls (confidence, self control) conversations just flows naturally. Good luck
alphamale Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 All you need is balls and some sense of romance - good conversations skills, art for teasing, art of sex. Those conversations skills are not crucial. When you have balls (confidence, self control) conversations just flows naturally. well DMADR....some are born with the "balls"....some can gain the "balls" thru experience and time, and some unfortunately never grow the "balls"
Erik Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 if I could fix all these problems MAGNATOLIA has I'd be a trillionaire... The market is there, for sure. But then, pursuing alchemy may be a better bet. Magnatolia, browse these threads, there's plenty of advice on your problems. DanielMadr is touching the underlying problematic; your confidence. Confidence counts for much more than looks or smarts or even charm. Be confident, the other things kinda takes care of itself. There are ways to improve your confidence, it's all in here if you go look for it.
Erik Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Be confident, the other things kinda takes care of itself. Your looks, even. Believe it or not, confidence improves your looks.
alphamale Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Believe it or not, confidence improves your looks. hmm...I wonder if the plastic surgeons in L.A. know about that
Erik Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 The plastic surgeons are not selling looks, the are selling confidence. I saw a TV docu many years ago about a girl, working chick, single mom, poor, addicted to plastic surgery. To begin with, she was hot, hot, hot, you practically couldn't see any difference after she had four or five surgeries, but she could. That said, with some people, plastic surgery should be enforced by a court of law.
DanielMadr Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 well DMADR....some are born with the "balls"....some can gain the "balls" thru experience and time, and some unfortunately never grow the "balls" Yeah world is cruel place. I love it. Actually you have to be born with them and earn them every effin day. Those seduction gurus (they are making some serious money man) tell guys who have no potencial, they can grow the balls by experience and through knowledge. Just a marketing strategy. When real shyt starts flying they are f@cked. B/c they dont fear women anymore (that much) but they forget about the grizzly.
DanielMadr Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 The plastic surgeons are not selling looks, the are selling confidence. I saw a TV docu many years ago about a girl, working chick, single mom, poor, addicted to plastic surgery. To begin with, she was hot, hot, hot, you practically couldn't see any difference after she had four or five surgeries, but she could. That said, with some people, plastic surgery should be enforced by a court of law. They need medications. They are nuts.
Erik Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 IMO you can grow balls, my cousin did. It's hard work though, and you got to have something down there to start with. If you are ballsy in other settings, you work from that. My cousin was a virgin till the age of 30, never could talk to women. He is a bright guy very skilled mechanic, never could abide sloppy work. Got fired on that twice because he never took **** from no bossman. He did some visualisation exercises and started chatting cars with the women coming to his shop, pretending they were tie-guys trying to be smart with him and not just ignorant chicks. Very cool, very butch, I gathered. So gradually, he would try out other subjects than cars. I don't know him very well, but last time I saw him, we went drinking, and he told me about this. Took him six months, he said. We never talked women before, because I knew it was a sore subject with him, but he was ebullient. To show off, he went to the bar and had two women come to our table. Took him less than two minutes. I never really believed in such stuff as visualisation, but it seemed to have worked with him. Maybe he just got older, I dunno. In my experience, bright guys are usually the ones with these kinds of problems, they tend to think too much. Your body knows how, your brain just messes up things.
DanielMadr Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 ....you got to have something down there to start with. If you are ballsy in other settings, you work from that. That was what I meant. If you are brave in normal life you can get brave with women. Thinking too much is a problem, thats right I have younger brother....he cant get confident with women when he is virgin. I dont want him to date some ugly girl - dont wanna make him jerk. I think I pay him a prostitute
alphamale Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 IMO you can grow balls, my cousin did. It's hard work though, and you got to have something down there to start with. . I did it too...I was scared of girls until my early 20s. Then I started learning and studying and went on a rampage that lasts to today.
Erik Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 @DanielM Not a bad idea, but it could go both ways with a pro. Should be the last resort. Now that we've hijacked the thread and I am in storytelling-mode: A year ago a friend of mine bought me a whore. He's Asian, very relaxed about such stuff, but he wanted a little fun, so he didn't tell me. So suddenly there's this VERY hot chick coming out of nowhere and practially sits on my lap. WTF!?! This is unheard of, she just charges in, all guns blazing. So we snog a bit; drunk as hell, I haul her outside to get a bit of fresh air, trying to clear out ten pints or so. Problem is, I don't know she is a whore. I'm all for ONS, but I like to talk a little bit, just to get the feeling of her. Of course, this doesn't work with a whore, she's got to protect herself. She can't tell me what's going on, because my friend is holding the purse strings. I want to get under her skin, that's my MO, I try to rip off what I think is her party-mask. Doesn't work, I come on like Tom Cruise, trying to charm her out of her let's-f*ck-this-instant-thinking, she starts crying. Bad, bad, bad... The more she stonewalls me, the more I think talking is vital. So I get pissed, nobody ever stonewalled my Tom Cruise routine, why won't she talk? She gives me absolutely nada! I tell her to go f*ck herself, but she's on a job, she can't split. More crying, ****, WFT is going on? To push me, she pretends she has locked herself out of her apartment, she ends up sleeping on my couch. She was class, she must've cost at least a thousand dollars.
Erik Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I did it too...I was scared of girls until my early 20s. Then I started learning and studying and went on a rampage that lasts to today. I was in LTR's all my life until two years ago, I'm 38 today. I had a friend that drove girls crazy, I stole his bodylanguage, worked like a charm.
DanielMadr Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 @DanielM Not a bad idea, but it could go both ways with a pro. Should be the last resort. Now that we've hijacked the thread and I am in storytelling-mode: A year ago a friend of mine bought me a whore. He's Asian, very relaxed about such stuff, but he wanted a little fun, so he didn't tell me. So suddenly there's this VERY hot chick coming out of nowhere and practially sits on my lap. WTF!?! This is unheard of, she just charges in, all guns blazing. So we snog a bit; drunk as hell, I haul her outside to get a bit of fresh air, trying to clear out ten pints or so. Problem is, I don't know she is a whore. I'm all for ONS, but I like to talk a little bit, just to get the feeling of her. Of course, this doesn't work with a whore, she's got to protect herself. She can't tell me what's going on, because my friend is holding the purse strings. I want to get under her skin, that's my MO, I try to rip off what I think is her party-mask. Doesn't work, I come on like Tom Cruise, trying to charm her out of her let's-f*ck-this-instant-thinking, she starts crying. Bad, bad, bad... The more she stonewalls me, the more I think talking is vital. So I get pissed, nobody ever stonewalled my Tom Cruise routine, why won't she talk? She gives me absolutely nada! I tell her to go f*ck herself, but she's on a job, she can't split. More crying, ****, WFT is going on? To push me, she pretends she has locked herself out of her apartment, she ends up sleeping on my couch. She was class, she must've cost at least a thousand dollars. Holy shyt Yeah happend to me too. It wasnt a wh0re. It was 28 yo very, very, very attractive (she actually looked 20yo).....virgin. She wanted ONS no strings attached and I wanted her phone number. I wanted to experience it in sober state to give my best performance you know....she was virgin after all and I wanted more than ONS . She tried and tried....she even told me she is still virgin, she started kicking my leg. Even other strange girls in bar came to me discreetly and told me 'What are you waiting for?'. But Im pretty stubborn when drunk and certainly not a f@ck toy Guess what, she wanted to f@ck me but refused to give me a phone number. I think I did the right thing on the other hand she probably ended up with some greezy scum of the man. At least I didnt commit fornication....from the catholic point of view. Which Im not but better safe than sorry:D
Erik Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 All right, one more. A friend of mine, good looking buck, is in the IT-biz, he's dealing with the Russians. His wife is fat, ugly, boring and ten years his senior. This is right after I became single, we are drinking and I am needling him, let's chase women, let's get laid, your wife will never know, such stuff. I chat down a couple of girls, get them to our table, we have fun. He is having fun too, but he doesn't have the spunk to cheat on his wife, so we just end up chatting. He tells me about a business trip to Moscow, this girl is hitting on him like Mike Tyson, snuggling up to him in the limo. This guy is smart, really smart, but he never figures that this girl is a whore, just like I didn't. Only diff, he tells her to take a hike because he doesn't want to cheat, but he was immensely proud that this 20-something hot chick would fall for him without even speaking his language. I tell him the story as per above, he suddenly looks very paranoid and thoughful. That's smart guys for you.
DanielMadr Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I did it too...I was scared of girls until my early 20s. Then I started learning and studying and went on a rampage that lasts to today. I think I was too hard on myself. I thought I have to kill a pack of wolves to be worth of "dating". I woke up when I cornered a pack of thugs (thieves trying to rob some people). I was so pissed of (probably from lack of sex) that I was actually pretty calm and very dangerous. They were scared shytless. That was my wake up call.
DanielMadr Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 All right, one more. A friend of mine, good looking buck, is in the IT-biz, he's dealing with the Russians. His wife is fat, ugly, boring and ten years his senior. This is right after I became single, we are drinking and I am needling him, let's chase women, let's get laid, your wife will never know, such stuff. I chat down a couple of girls, get them to our table, we have fun. He is having fun too, but he doesn't have the spunk to cheat on his wife, so we just end up chatting. He tells me about a business trip to Moscow, this girl is hitting on him like Mike Tyson, snuggling up to him in the limo. This guy is smart, really smart, but he never figures that this girl is a whore, just like I didn't. Only diff, he tells her to take a hike because he doesn't want to cheat, but he was immensely proud that this 20-something hot chick would fall for him without even speaking his language. I tell him the story as per above, he suddenly looks very paranoid and thoughful. That's smart guys for you. Cold shower eh That chick I told you about wasnt a wh0re...Im pretty sure about it. I dont look loaded with money and she had her friends there (girl and boy..a pair). I talked to them and they werent pimps. So it flattens me she was interested. But I slapped myself about it quite a few times:D From that time....I dont drink that much. Always be prepared.
Erik Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Never drink and chase women. If you've got the discipline, the best thing is to get a phone number. It sieves the whores from the party girls, and makes them more interested in you.
Erik Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 We've all got things to slap ourselves about. That's life, and besides, it makes for good memories: you can fantasize about what it would have been like. If you hade gone for her, maybe she would have been a dissapointment, but not going for her, you can always tell yourself she would've been perfect.
DanielMadr Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Never drink and chase women. If you've got the discipline, the best thing is to get a phone number. It sieves the whores from the party girls, and makes them more interested in you. I dont drink like a Dane Even when you dont drink, how can they hope you will sleep with them at 4 in the morning after dancing all night. Patience girls, patience.
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