the_pope Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Hello. i'm new here and i have a problem. my new girlfriend is so nice i cant believe i found her. she said never before has a man treated her so well an after her last relationship i really am a whirlwind. but my insecurity is driving me insane and she is starting to pick up on it. its so hard to play cool. if i turn the heat down she notices and comments and i worry she'll call it a day. if i keep the heat up i'm worried it'll become tedious for her. i dont know how to act and i dont know how to be myself. if i'm myself sometimes its warm and affectionate, other times when i become aware of my own vulnerablity in doing this i am slightly more detached which she picks up on. Other than this I am cool and confident and mature. Also i dont believe it when she tells me how she feels and this is a big issue with her. i dont believe it because i have had so many women deliver empty words to me and i am a bit damaged from it as i have been extremely hurt in the past. I want to get over this silly insecurity but dont know how. is it just a case of unlearning what i have learnt? how do you put trust in somebody?
Aloros Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Yikes! Sounds like you've got something great and you may be slowly sabotaging it with your own insecurities. First off, remind yourself that she is not those women who have hurt you in the past. Reason it out. There are plenty of people in relationships with honest women, can't it be possible that she is one of those? Give her the benefit of the doubt. You've got to take a leap of faith if you want this to work. Quit worrying about being vulnerable. That's what a relationship is about. Isn't she making herself vulnerable by telling you how she feels? It is TOUGH to tell someone how you feel, and you're making it worse by shooting her down. If you can't do this on your own, you should consider speaking with a counselor. This is something that will affect ALL of your future relationships if you don't do something to fix it. Besides, you don't want her to be the one who got away, right?
Author the_pope Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 But, if I quit shooting her down, will she again speak of her feelings? I like it when she does and I wonder if it is now ingrained in her mind that she will get shot down if she does. I wrote a very humble, intelligent email to her explaining that I AM going to act. But I guess I am impatient to see results. Time I suppose. This is the first time she has expressed hurt of this nature. So it is not quite yet a serious relationship issue. It is a brand new issue and I am so keen to nip it in the bud now. Will she now put a leap of faith in me? How can I prove it if she backs off with her feelings? I wont have anything to test myself against and prove to her that I am a man of my word.
catrocks Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I know it's not easy to trust someone after you've been hurt before, but if you don't you'll end up alone. Only you can get over your insecurities (with the help of a counsellor if you want, but at the end of the day it's up to you). You say it's a new relationship, I wonder how new? Perhaps you need to bite your tongue and give it time. Trust takes time to develop. If you've explained to her why you were like this that's a good step. Just keep that communication going and hopefully trust will follow and allow you to get over your insecurities and be happy with this girl. You can do it, but it might take a bit of patience. Good luck
Aloros Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 First thing you can do is apologize for your behavior. That little bit goes a long way. Then you can reciprocate by being more open with, and making yourself vulnerable to, her.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 "Dance like no-one’s watching, love like you’ll never be hurt....." It's difficult to try again, or be as open as you were before having your heart broken. It's natural to be gun-shy. But if you aren't willing to open your heart completely, a little at a time, the relationship won't be worth having.
3hundred Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 Untraining yourself would definitely be difficult, but you have to try it.. you can also try to protect yourself from heart ache by accepting the fact that the worst might happen one day and learn to live with it.. that way you can live everything with the way you want with no hesitations and by time you will notice that all your insecurities will go away...
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