marlena Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 My boyfriend of five months just broke off saying he wants to remain friends.. as if that can ever be? What triggered it off was another stupid lie which I reacted to in badly. The lie? About his mother's name, believe it or not. We.ve had trust issues from day one when lied to me saying he is divorced but was only separated! And other lies which pointed to his wanting to hide things from me. Things started off on the wrong footing in many ways! A nasty incident in the beginning which had to do with his uh!! inadequacy in bed! I didn't take to it too well and asked to talk about it! He went into denial. He is unable to have complete sex. He seems not to want it. Avoided having me in his bed. Just wanted to talk evry day and go out once twice a week for drinks. When I broached the subject of our reltioship and the things that were missing from it and what we could do to make this better, he got angry! I made the first move for reconcialtion. When he got caught in his lie about his mother's name he forbade be to call him for three days saying I had upset him and he needed to calm down! Three days later he wrote an e mail telling me it's best to remain friends and that he can't continue this relationship because it wasn't working but he asked me to call him that same night! I didn't because I was hurting. Lies and subterfuge always hurt. I replied I resented him forbidding him to call him over the weekend and that I wouldn't call. He replied call any time as this would give me the right to call you! So yesterday I called and he started reiterating that things were over, that he wanted to be just friends calling me whenever he wanted and to please not have hard feelings and bad mouth him to others. Sheesh!!! I was very upset ..could hardly sleep all night. He is always anxious, uptight and edgy. It scares me sometimes. I told him I think he has an anger problem and he said accusingly,"WHat? Do you think I am a sicko?" Don't know what to make of it. I feel hurt and angry that I invested so much into him. Any input would be greatly apprecaited as I am in a pretty awful state. Thanks
Author marlena Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 Do you think he was just looking for a pretext to get out? Then why ask me to call him? Or is to due to his impotency? Do I intimidate him? Is he just unable to commit? Or was he not just into me enough? It seems to me he would be happy just calling eachother everynight for three hours..me being there to listen ..have drinks once or twice a week , a little petting and that's all!!! I'm a mature woman and I wanted a mature relationship> And whatever happened to resolving issues rather than walking away? And WHY is turning the tables on me acting as if I am the one at fault, saying I nag to much when all I ever wanted to do was resolve our problems!!! Am utterly confused.
AHIWON Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 He is an abuser. You are lucky to get out now instead of years down the road. Things would have gotten much worse. Red flag # 1, all the lies. One lie is enough to destroy trust. Never stand for that. A relationship is nothing without trust. You deserve better than that.
oppath Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 It sounds like you just aren't compatible, honestly, and I'd say you stayed in the relationship too long to begin with. I feel you both could have handled things more maturely, and he may be right in feeling you were a bit of a nag, but I've been there. If the other person isn't giving you what you want, and they aren't willing to talk things out and compromise, you can't help but become irritated. No worries, no blame. He's giving an out for the relationship because you two aren't compatible. Lies are a huge deal. They are deal-breakers. I would tell him you can't be his friend right now, you are hurt and your trust was broken, and that if you are to be friends it will be several months down the line.
amaysngrace Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I think you had every right to nag. Being lied to is NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't do anything wrong IMO. You had an honest reaction to being lied to. I agree that a relationship without trust is no relationship at all. I wonder why he lies? Have you looked up 'habitual liars' on google? It may shed some light into his thinking and let you see what you've been dealing with.
boshemia Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Just can't get past this, but WHO lies about their mothers name. Is he trying to keep a secret identity from you or what? And don't you just love the "I got caught lying, and it's all your fault" routine. Nothing says maturity like a temper tantrum. I'm a bit snarky tonight... sorry...
Cossette4 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 And don't you just love the "I got caught lying, and it's all your fault" routine. Hahaha, oh yes I love that one. My ex would lie to my face for years about how he was going to graduate with his Associates and then transfer to a 4 year college. At the end of every semester, he would claim that he *thought* he had completed all the requirements and then he was *pretty sure* he would get accepted at so-and-so school, and then it would turn out to be a complete lie--he wasn't even close to graduating, was failing everything, didn't even apply anywhere, etc. And so of course, I yelled at him because I was so hurt that someone could lie OVER and OVER again to my face about the same subject, especially after I had tried so hard to help him succeed academically. So when he broke up with me, one of his statements was "Well, you don't even trust me!!" and "All you ever do is yell at me!!" I was like WHOSE FAULT IS THAT, DUMB:bunny: SS?
bridget_jones Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 What is it about this guy that compells you to ever want to speak to him or see him ever again in your life? 1. He lies....about important things. 2. He won't (or can't) have sex with you. This is harsh but good riddance! You will be happier single!
Herzen Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 He lies about matters big and small, he's abusive and he's sexually dysfunctional. (Hmm, let's see:long telephone talks and light petting. That's my idea of a mature, adult sexual relationship.). The problems lie not with him, but with YOU. Namely, why do you still care so much about so little? Not all bad relationships are better than none at all. It's time to get out from under this guy's thrall, Marlena. This is a nowhere relationship that began badly, got worse and is heading to Splitsville. Unless you enjoy being the victim, go no contact and date other guys.
Author marlena Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 If the other person isn't giving you what you want, and they aren't willing to talk things out and compromise, you can't help but become irritated. No worries, no blame. He's giving an out for the relationship because you two aren't compatible. Lies are a huge deal. They are deal-breakers. I would tell him you can't be his friend right now, you are hurt and your trust was broken, and that if you are to be friends it will be several months down the line. I don't think I could ever be friends with him. Firstly, because he abused my friendship to start with and secondly, I wouldn't want lying friends to begin with. What is it about this guy that compells you to ever want to speak to him or see him ever again in your life? 1. He lies....about important things. 2. He won't (or can't) have sex with you. This is harsh but good riddance! You will be happier single! Yes, Bridget, a good question!! Is it my bruised ego? My fear of being alone? Or my self doubts? For he has this uncanny talent for turning things around and making me sound like the culprit!! You know, the "if onlys" If only I had been nicer,accepted his lies, accepted the fact that he was separated and no where near thinking of a divorce, if only I had accepted not having sex..etc....etc... I sound pathetically desperate don't I? Why do I fall for these kind of men?
Author marlena Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 Just can't get past this, but WHO lies about their mothers name. Is he trying to keep a secret identity from you or what? And don't you just love the "I got caught lying, and it's all your fault" routine. Nothing says maturity like a temper tantrum. quote] Neither can I!! Who lies about something like this? A sicko, I presume. And yes, he tries to confuse me where his identity is concerned. He has a bad reputation in the city we are living in ergo his plea not to to say anything bad about him to others. When I told him he has a problem with his anger, he shouted,"What? Are yo saying I am sick?" He's always saying things like that? Always mentioning mental health issues!!!UGH!!! What to make of this? I am seriously wondering if I picked myself a whacko this time. Or am I just as whacko for giving him the time od day? Thanks everybody for helping me work through my conflicting emotions!
Author marlena Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 He lies about matters big and small, he's abusive and he's sexually dysfunctional. (Hmm, let's see:long telephone talks and light petting. That's my idea of a mature, adult sexual relationship.). The problems lie not with him, but with YOU. Namely, why do you still care so much about so little? Not all bad relationships are better than none at all. It's time to get out from under this guy's thrall, Marlena. This is a nowhere relationship that began badly, got worse and is heading to Splitsville. Unless you enjoy being the victim, go no contact and date other guys. Thanks Herzen!! This is a question the answer to which I am not so sure of! Am I just as whacko as him? I don't like to think so. I really can't explain why this guy has gotten so much under my skin!
Herzen Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 No, marlena, you're not a "whacko" like him. You're simply needy (and a woman). Also, most of us expect the front end of relationships to be the honeymoon phase: great sex, intense attachment, etc. It's at the back end where problems often arise. And you, poor women, didn't even get a honeymoon phase out of this very dysfunctional relationship. You probably feel cheated, too. Move on, marlena.You cannot get anything worthwhile from this aborted relationship--except more sad stories for your posts. It's not worth it. I bet he has moved on to his next middle-aged female victim. It's time for you to go, too.
Author marlena Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 No, marlena, you're not a "whacko" like him. You're simply needy (and a woman). Also, most of us expect the front end of relationships to be the honeymoon phase: great sex, intense attachment, etc. It's at the back end where problems often arise. And you, poor women, didn't even get a honeymoon phase out of this very dysfunctional relationship. You probably feel cheated, too. Move on, marlena.You cannot get anything worthwhile from this aborted relationship--except more sad stories for your posts. It's not worth it. I bet he has moved on to his next middle-aged female victim. It's time for you to go, too. Yes, absolutely. No honeymoon phase at all. And I kept telling him we should be enthralled with one another not arguing!! I never ever senses he longed to hold me...maybe I was his sounding board, a friend to go out with occassionally and someone who would spent hours talking to him every night (UGH phone bill!!) This has never happened to me before. In all my relationships, the first year or so were an array of explosives!!! You know, about him already moving on to another middle-aged victim I wonder...(or am in denial?) for like I said he is incapable of normal sex...he seems not to be driven that way at all...I am sure that and his weirdness is why both his wives left him... I was willing to accept all this if he had shown some willingness on his part to work these issues out and strivew for some intimacy....Yes, now that I think of it, I felt rejected from day one ...
Author marlena Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 When I first visited his flat I felt so sad...a beautiful home gone to seed...neglected ...unloved...He seems to like living this way...playing with his gadgets every night ( a gadget mania) listening to the radio and opening up a can of soup ..and I mean every night....He's stuck on things ...and definitely has one big chip on his shoulder ..I even felt sorry for him...stupid me ...he likes being this way..last week when we had a fight he said his overriding feeling was one of relief...I probably intimidated him with my sexuality and my independent spirit..He also admitted he would only stick arouns as long as he was enjoying himself with no problems coming from my end....as long as I went along. Before X-mas when he dropped the bomb on me I went NC for quite a while and he begged to try again ...what for...he didn't try hardly at all!
Author marlena Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 I think you had every right to nag. Being lied to is NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't do anything wrong IMO. You had an honest reaction to being lied to. I agree that a relationship without trust is no relationship at all. I wonder why he lies? Have you looked up 'habitual liars' on google? It may shed some light into his thinking and let you see what you've been dealing with. I didn't feel I was nagging but rather giving us both a wake up call...it was more an effort on my part to resolve things and salvage what we could!!! To him it was nagging!!
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