Why Are Women Treated Differently In Affairs?

[casoria99]

I was reading a confession by a cheating husband who had an affair with his wife's friend who was also married. So they were both married except male and female.

 

When the adultery was found out, the woman was stigmatized and socially condemned moreso than the man. He was treated less violently and it was thought to be almost a mental illness or that he must have been seduced.

 

So why are woman more stigmatized than men?

[Trialbyfire]

Hmmm...interesting question and true in some ways. Perhaps because there are far more women than men on LS and therefore the assumption is that women should know better since they're not as driven by physical need alone. This is a guess on my part because I haven't figured it out either. It does seem unfair though.

[GreenEyedLady]

So why are woman more stigmatized than men?

 

Because that's the way it's always been...patriarchal society, double standard, whatever you want to call it...

[Babybird]

Women have been judged and labeled since the pagan Goddess' were turned evil, herbal healers and mid-wives hung as witches, Mary Magdalene was called a prostitute etc. etc. The same way that a woman that sleeps around is a slut or a whore and it makes the man is a bachelor sewing his oats. It's basically a bunch puritanical BS started by men in order to empower themselves and gain control over women.

 

It seems the younger generations aren't as judgmental as like my parents generations. I'm 30 and people don't really say anything in reference to whore or slut when A's are mentioned. It's not that unusual in my town.

[NoIDidn't]

The confession that you read was of a H cheating with his W's FRIEND. Of course she is going to be villianized more. She was the woman's friend. This is no simple case.

 

I don't agree with women getting the short end of that stick either, but it is what it is. And, anyone going into an A knows that from the outset, so why act surprised when it happens.

[puddleofmud]

I have posted my opinion on this before: I think it may be because women are societly expected to be the "gate-keepers" of sex.

Historically, women are supposed to say "no" where as men are expected via their "nature" to persue and conquer.

When a woman does not say "no" via any reason (ie: manipulated, confused or just via down-right wanting) then the man is considered "blameless" as that is just the historically perceived "ilk" of a male.

It would seem that women should or could have been the ones to either reign in the male, by either rejecting or accepting and said male continues, no matter the action, to be perceived as the "innocent" party.

A male may would consider himself a 'stud' when freely seeking sex (or just merely egotiscally flirting) but most likely would consider a female who does same with an entirely different mind-set.

Current historical mind-set is that males shall respect a female that says "no" but should she NOT then, it would seem that she falls entirely in a different category> as that she is then perceived as "easy" thus "rightfully" easier to take advantage for any and all purpose and there should be no regret nor blame on either part.

An example: I've a female friend whom is a great mom and when some of us, as Mothers, were discussing their teen aged daughter's difficulties with sexual issues, she said, "Thank God, I have a SON and I don't have to worry about any of that". ?????

This was hard for me to fathom that an intelligent woman differientiated her son's responsibility vs. a daughter.

And very sad....

[Guest]

I have posted my opinion on this before: I think it may be because women are societly expected to be the "gate-keepers" of sex.

Historically, women are supposed to say "no" where as men are expected via their "nature" to persue and conquer.

When a woman does not say "no" via any reason (ie: manipulated, confused or just via down-right wanting) then the man is considered "blameless" as that is just the historically perceived "ilk" of a male.

It would seem that women should or could have been the ones to either reign in the male, by either rejecting or accepting and said male continues, no matter the action, to be perceived as the "innocent" party.

A male may would consider himself a 'stud' when freely seeking sex (or just merely egotiscally flirting) but most likely would consider a female who does same with an entirely different mind-set.

Current historical mind-set is that males shall respect a female that says "no" but should she NOT then, it would seem that she falls entirely in a different category> as that she is then perceived as "easy" thus "rightfully" easier to take advantage for any and all purpose and there should be no regret nor blame on either part.

An example: I've a female friend whom is a great mom and when some of us, as Mothers, were discussing their teen aged daughter's difficulties with sexual issues, she said, "Thank God, I have a SON and I don't have to worry about any of that". ?????

This was hard for me to fathom that an intelligent woman differientiated her son's responsibility vs. a daughter.

And very sad....

 

Your entire answer is on point! Especially the example of the mother who has a son. I have a daughter and son and I truly fear, fret and worry about her moreso than my son. So I am guilty of differentiating although I would not have believed it before. Men do get it easy. Look at Adam and Eve. Eve was responsible. And in other passages in the bible, women are evil seductresses.

 

NoForgiven, I think that if you know about adulteries, you will expect this turnout. But if you do not know about adulteries, then you would expect the man to be responsible for sleeping around and/or the wife for being upset wtih him too, or at least the way people treat each person equally shared.

 

It's a terrible situation to be in.

[casoria99]

I guess women have been blamed since the beginning of time. Adam and Eve comes to mind.

[Ladyjane14]

So why are woman more stigmatized than men?

 

Actually, I don't think it's arbitrary.

I think it's more likely an anthropological leftover. With the advent of birth control, DNA testing, and antibiotics, this sort of prejudice has become unnecessary. But if you think about it, the only way for a man historically to guarantee that it would be his own genetic material going into the gene pool rather than someone else's... would have been to keep rivals away from his mate. Hence the development of social strictures.

 

What's more, sexually transmitted disease and infection is NOT a current event. True, some of these maladies are killers and always have been, but others affect fertility. And unfortunately, women are MORE susceptible than men when it comes to reproductive disorders.

 

So, for a man to guarantee his progeny successfully, as well as to guard against infection himself, his best bet would be to marry a virgin. Alternatively, an otherwise chaste widow with proven child-bearing ability would be like buying a used car with only one former owner... a pretty good deal.

 

I kind of doubt that this was conscious knowledge. It's hard to imagine a guy from the Dark Ages having that much on the ball. I think it's probably more on the level of social instinct. Folks who had propagated healthy offspring would've had an effective method for achieving success, which they would then have passed along as social edicts. BUT... only to the extent that they themselves understood it. Those successful "methods" would've been passed along through the generations almost like a game of "Telephone", with each generation bungling the information just a little bit. Finally it might be summed up as Chaste Woman = Healthy Reproduction, with very little accountability attributed to the male.

 

Look at it this way, Henry the Eight went through six wives trying to get a male heir... believing all the while that it was the WOMAN who determined the sex of his offspring. To his mind... the woman controlled reproduction. It only stands to reason that if a man wanted a final say in matters of reproduction... he'd have to control the woman.

 

Also, it's only now, in modern times, that men can be held accountable regarding reproductive matters. You couldn't PROVE that a man was the father of your child in any definitive way back in the old days. If you got pregnant out of wedlock... you'd best hope that baby came out looking like an exact replica of his sire. Because if not, all he'd need to do is deny it and you'd be in a position of needing to support that child yourself.

 

Historically, there were LOTS of reasons why 'nice young girls' would've been discouraged from putting themselves at a social and economic disadvantage. And reasons too why 'nice young boys' would've been encouraged to avoid prospective mates who didn't adhere to those sensibilities.

 

In today's world where we can prove paternity and treat venereal disease... it seems an unnecessary social prejudice to hold women more accountable in sexual matters than men though.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm just thankful that chastity belts became obsolete.

[puddleofmud]

Agreed LJ, and I would most agree that when Western Civ meets the current Anthro (as in anthro is conceptualized FROM what is historical Western Civ thought and perception) is an undeniable combo, thus we are on the same "page".

Both conveniently and by no fault of each reinforce the other.

However, what about cultures and Spiritualities that have survived for thousands of years, most pre-Christian, and thrive currently that have no value regarding these anthropological traits nor are centered upon them?

Why did these societies not fall within the same instinctual processes or have interpreted them so vastly differently as to their cultural and Spiritual value system and their societies?

One being my own so I am biggoted.

I have studied this via academics most my life for my own personal curiousity and that I greatly wish to understand more about human nature and more about woman's roles in humanity in general.

Though we may be "left-overs" I feel that all cultures and societies must be fed into the mix and not just the last few thousand years of current literary anthropological theory and pop culture to which it may or may not apply.

 

Actually, I don't think it's arbitrary.

I think it's more likely an anthropological leftover. With the advent of birth control, DNA testing, and antibiotics, this sort of prejudice has become unnecessary. But if you think about it, the only way for a man historically to guarantee that it would be his own genetic material going into the gene pool rather than someone else's... would have been to keep rivals away from his mate. Hence the development of social strictures.

 

What's more, sexually transmitted disease and infection is NOT a current event. True, some of these maladies are killers and always have been, but others affect fertility. And unfortunately, women are MORE susceptible than men when it comes to reproductive disorders.

 

So, for a man to guarantee his progeny successfully, as well as to guard against infection himself, his best bet would be to marry a virgin. Alternatively, an otherwise chaste widow with proven child-bearing ability would be like buying a used car with only one former owner... a pretty good deal.

 

I kind of doubt that this was conscious knowledge. It's hard to imagine a guy from the Dark Ages having that much on the ball. I think it's probably more on the level of social instinct. Folks who had propagated healthy offspring would've had an effective method for achieving success, which they would then have passed along as social edicts. BUT... only to the extent that they themselves understood it. Those successful "methods" would've been passed along through the generations almost like a game of "Telephone", with each generation bungling the information just a little bit. Finally it might be summed up as Chaste Woman = Healthy Reproduction, with very little accountability attributed to the male.

 

Look at it this way, Henry the Eight went through six wives trying to get a male heir... believing all the while that it was the WOMAN who determined the sex of his offspring. To his mind... the woman controlled reproduction. It only stands to reason that if a man wanted a final say in matters of reproduction... he'd have to control the woman.

 

Also, it's only now, in modern times, that men can be held accountable regarding reproductive matters. You couldn't PROVE that a man was the father of your child in any definitive way back in the old days. If you got pregnant out of wedlock... you'd best hope that baby came out looking like an exact replica of his sire. Because if not, all he'd need to do is deny it and you'd be in a position of needing to support that child yourself.

 

Historically, there were LOTS of reasons why 'nice young girls' would've been discouraged from putting themselves at a social and economic disadvantage. And reasons too why 'nice young boys' would've been encouraged to avoid prospective mates who didn't adhere to those sensibilities.

 

In today's world where we can prove paternity and treat venereal disease... it seems an unnecessary social prejudice to hold women more accountable in sexual matters than men though.

[Blind Illusion]

I agree that it is like you say with regard to male and female accountability in affairs. I think that is changing though. It's hard for me to say, though, because many times I am guilty of this in reverse. I feel like if a woman was cheating, she probably has "just cause" and only resorted to such a relationship as a last resort. A man's affair, I am much more skeptical about. Of course, intellectually, I know you really can't speak in generalities with this because each circumstance is unique..

[Salicious Crumb]

I was reading a confession by a cheating husband who had an affair with his wife's friend who was also married. So they were both married except male and female.

 

When the adultery was found out, the woman was stigmatized and socially condemned moreso than the man. He was treated less violently and it was thought to be almost a mental illness or that he must have been seduced.

 

So why are woman more stigmatized than men?

 

Dunno...not by me...cheaters are equally worthless whether they are male of female.

 

Who was she socially condemned by? Her husband? That might tell the difference in the way husband deal with a cheating wife as opposed to how wives deal with a cheating husband.

 

I do tend to think women are more hurt and emotional when they find out their husbands cheat, and men go into anger mode.

[movinon05]

I was reading a confession by a cheating husband who had an affair with his wife's friend who was also married. So they were both married except male and female.

 

When the adultery was found out, the woman was stigmatized and socially condemned moreso than the man. He was treated less violently and it was thought to be almost a mental illness or that he must have been seduced.

 

So why are woman more stigmatized than men?

 

I ponder this question often because that is exactly what happened to me. Although we were all friends. Not best friends. Social friends for two years of the four that we lived there before it came out.

 

Sometimes I think it had to do with the fact that MM and W grew up in the town that we moved to and knew basically everyone. Its a VERY little town. We were newcomers. No one really knew me and so I was an outsider and maybe thought to be a troublemaker. Who knows? So after it was out in the open, people still talked to him but shunned me. Perhaps it looked like I invaded their turf? Her parents are elders of the town and very well respected.

 

Although I did find certain men and women would talk to me, and I got the feeling that they knew MM and W well enough that they knew the types of persons I was dealing with. I was warned by one man who used to work with the W. He said "Be careful. You don't know who you're dealing with. She's a tough cookie. She knows people".

 

As for him, it turns out he had quite the reputation around town too as far as his temper and arrogance. And I came to find out later he cheated before.

 

I also came to learn that their very close friends are certain ones they grew up with. Not many in the town themselves. Make you go, hmmmmmmmm.

 

Or maybe, its just as they say. Its a man's world and pretty much accepted that it happens. I know W's brother-in-law cheats on her sister and they have no clue. But he "loves" his W! He cheats around and doesn't get emotionally involved. Whatever.

[Woggle]

Actually it is women who are celebrated as liberated feminists while men are called jerks if they even look at an image of a woman. Many women feel they have a right to have an affair because it is empowering to them and somehow their revenge on all men. Cheating is wrong no matter what gender but women clearly get more sympathy.

[movinon05]

Actually it is women who are celebrated as liberated feminists while men are called jerks if they even look at an image of a woman. Many women feel they have a right to have an affair because it is empowering to them and somehow their revenge on all men. Cheating is wrong no matter what gender but women clearly get more sympathy.

 

I truly disagree with most of this. You are generalizing too much. I personally don't have a problem if a guy wants to look at women. As far as I'm concerned that's normal. I don't know any women who feel they have a right to an affair to get revenge on all men. I'm sure there are some, but sorry, for the most part that just seems silly. And I don't think women in general get more sympathy either! With some people I did, but those are people who know of what I went through in my M.

[Woggle]

I truly disagree with most of this. You are generalizing too much. I personally don't have a problem if a guy wants to look at women. As far as I'm concerned that's normal. I don't know any women who feel they have a right to an affair to get revenge on all men. I'm sure there are some, but sorry, for the most part that just seems silly. And I don't think women in general get more sympathy either! With some people I did, but those are people who know of what I went through in my M.

 

Just at that women's infidelity site. T here are many women who feel like they are striking a blow for women by cheating on some clueless man who thinks he married the love of his life and you have tons of other women cheering them on. At the same on this board you have many people complaining about men looking at porn and going to strip clubs. That is hypocrisy at it's finest. Women seem to think that a man should be their lap dog but they can do whatever they want and of he objects he is a misogynist who is afraid of strong and independent women. The hell with that. You can call me a misogynst if you want but I will never emasculate myself like that.

[movinon05]

Just at that women's infidelity site. T here are many women who feel like they are striking a blow for women by cheating on some clueless man who thinks he married the love of his life and you have tons of other women cheering them on. At the same on this board you have many people complaining about men looking at porn and going to strip clubs. That is hypocrisy at it's finest. Women seem to think that a man should be their lap dog but they can do whatever they want and of he objects he is a misogynist who is afraid of strong and independent women. The hell with that. You can call me a misogynst if you want but I will never emasculate myself like that.

 

Well I suppose that may be for some women. Its foreign to me. Maybe I live in a different world. I just know not all women are like that.

[Woggle]

Well I suppose that may be for some women. Its foreign to me. Maybe I live in a different world. I just know not all women are like that.

 

Not all but a good number are. Many women have the mentality that men are always wrong no matter what so if they cheat it is still the man's fault.

[GreenEyedLady]

Many women have the mentality that men are always wrong no matter what so if they cheat it is still the man's fault.

 

I really don't think even you believe this...there are plenty of women who have been wronged by men and so are therefore more likely to identify with women in the same way that you identify with men...

 

But the assertion that most women believe that men are always wrong is really grasping at straws...men and women are just different and see issues in different ways...but that's not an excuse for either sex to cheat...

[Fiona]

It's just the way of our society. Just like it's almost a given that the woman gets the children at the divorce.