Dadubwa Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years... Of these 2 years I met her friend "Matt" twice. He seemed really emotionally...disturbed? He cried when his girlfriend broke up with him, and said he would kill himself (said all this right in front of me..when he knew me for about a day)...and my girlfriend was there for him while I sat uncomfortable in the car with his ex who I didn't know. Understandable right? She's being a friend for him, a shoulder to cry on. Yup Yup. I went to one of his " going away parties" (he went to the Army and was leaving the next week)...my girlfriend promised not to drink...and did. I sat in the corner of the party (the party she knew I felt uncomfortable at since I didn't know ANYONE)...and she drank and hung out with him the whole night, coming to check on me every once in awhile saying "Are you okay?" I wanted her to enjoy herself so I said yes. I mean it's understandable right? She's just hanging out with him before he's leaving. She has pictures hanging every where of him. Old ones of her on his snow mobile...at the fair...blah blah blah. Apparently they're really good friends and everything which is great.....but everytime I see this kid...he makes me feel inadequate to be dating her. Bring up all the great "past times" together. I suppose that's understandable? Personally I don't like him. Although I've never really shared that with my girlfriend but I know she picks up the vibes. Here's the problem......she's got a new job/apartment to take care of...she's hardly gotten to see me...all the sudden she calls me tonight and says she's going to fly out to Cali with Matt's father to visit him durring her spring break....UM!?...I think Matt likes her...because she's always been his shoulder to cry on.....she's going for 6 days. I tried to sound excited for her...but I'm not...I think through the vibes I've given her...and the ...tone I use with her when we talk about him...she'd understand. She even said "don't be upset" to me on the phone....so she obviously knows I'm not in favor for all this....but then she has the nerve to ask me to help her find a cheap plane ticket and hotel for her and his father to stay in. I'm really really angry. Someone...help me make sense of all of this.
Kamille Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 We all know relationships are all about communication. You have been dating her for two years, so I'm wondering why you would still count on her getting the 'vibe' that something is wrong instead of you telling her that you are unconfortable with the situation. then perhaps you two can discuss it. She can reassure you that Matt is only a friend. You can decide if you believe her. You can tell her you don't understand how she has time for California and not for you and she can then find out that you would like it if you two spend more time together. Just be open about things and make sure you listen to what she says. You don't know what the deal is with this Matt guy, so please avoid trying to prove to her that there is a deal with the Matt guy.
jamesh1985 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Something just doesnt sound right. I'd be feeling the same way dadub, I guess the best option is to do as kamille said, just be honest and tell her what you're feeling.
Ssheena Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Well... it could be that she (like you) knows that Matt has some serious problems and is one of those "rescuers" in so far as he always has stuff going on that he makes her believe she needs to help him with. I hate to think what would happen if she stopped contact with him. He'd probably really go off the deep end. I would suggest talking to her and telling her how you feel about everything - you wanting more time with her, all the pictures of him and her together etc. I bet she feels a lot of pity for him which holds her to him. All and all I imagine you two have more of a "adult, non-dependant" ie good, relationship than she and he have. Hope that helps or gives a different perspective at least.
Starry-eyed Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I have to agree with others that after a two-year relationship, it seems like there might be more open communication between you two and you wouldn't have to rely on vibes and tones. So, you owe it to both of you to be honest with her about your feelings regarding the situation. That said, it sounds like she still has feelings for her old boyfriend and is not ready to sever her relationship with him, or at least bring it back to purely "friends." I think it's fishy to go off for 6 days to another state to visit an ex-boyfriend. Just my opinion, though.
Kamille Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 It's funny. I just read the answers you got in the infidelity thread and they differ greatly (everyone there being highly suspicious of her behavior). It might be tempting to be suspicious and to get overly upset, but that's not going to get you anywhere. You would only be responding to your emotions and not to a rational perspective on the situation. In fact you might get into that cycle of trying to prove to her that you have every right to be upset (I know tempting) thus making it impossible for her to really discuss with you why it is she wants-wanted to go (went) to California. I personally think that this has more to do with deeper issues in the relationship then her behavior. If you love her and want to make things work then you have to take responsibility for your own emotions on this and share with her how you are feeling. You might even start the conversation by saying that you think the two of you haven't been communicating your best lately. I know my last relationship improved greatly once we decided that the focus of our discussions was going to be improving how we communicate rather then what the events were that were actually making us upset. And it worked. We broke up when I moved an ocean away indefinitly. You haven't said anywhere what the nature of her and Matt's friendship is. How long have they been friends? Were they ever a couple?
Sweetie2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 It sounds to me like he's over attached to her, and maybe, she just doesn't want to hurt him, so she stay's close with him. It is weird though, that she could take 6 days off work and whatever to go and see him, but doesn't have time to spend with you. If she were truly in love with you, and really was attached to you, then you would be top priority. I agree with what everyone said above, I think you should talk to her, and tell her that you don't like the situation, or the way the relationship appears to be. Just remember, to her, it could be completely innocent, and nothing, but she doesn't realize that it bothers you. Be gentle, but stand your ground... good luck!
Author Dadubwa Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 I've posted this thread and updates and all on "Cheating, Jealousy, Flirting"...keep posting there...she doesn't leave until the 11th of april...and I can still use all the help I can get!
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