Jocelyn Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Well hopefully someone can help.... Well my guy and i have a three year history. The first year seemed perfect. the only problem is that he doesnt know how to express his emotions. So everything that made him mad, he kept bottled up inside until one day it all came out. He was drunk and crying and he broke up with me saying that he loved me but that he knew that we had too many problems. Thats his problem. He doesnt fight for things. When the going gets tough, he runs in the opposite direction because he is still immature. Well during this time that we were "broken up" it was like we were still together. The only time he would bring it up was when we would fight. He moved an hour and a half away, so it was like a long distance relationship. Then i found out that he was seeing someone else. He said it was nothing serious. I knew that he was only doing it to forget about me. she was the rebound. she knew about me but he told her that he didnt talk to me anymore. But even then, we were always together. I saw her as someone convenient. she was a part of his circle of friends and so he would never have to worry about her getting mad if he went out with friends cause she would be there too. they enjoyed the same things too. He thinks drinking is fun....I dont. I dont critize him or tell him he cant do it but i wont go out and do it. this girl is like 3 or 4 years younger than him (still in high school) she is constantly getting caught drinking at school and has gotten arrested for trespassing and drinking on private property. there are many things that she does that i know he would thow a fit if i did. she told him many times to stop talking to me and he wouldnt. Even though he wouldnt leave me, he took me for granted so I finally got tired of it and waiting for him stop. He wouldnt tell me that he loved me or anything . I told him i would leave him if he didnt stop talking to her and he did.(keep in mind that he only saw her like three times that year that he was away ) then it was fine until he started talking to some girl at his job. I left him...it was a clean break. a month later he called me crying. He said that he missed me and that he didnt think i would leave. It made him realize his mistake. so we got back together and he moved in with me and it was perfect. We talked about everything and he told me that he had only talked to her because he wanted to forget about me (which i knew already) she was the perfect example of a rebound. She was convenient and obsessed with him. he liked the attention and it got his mind off of things. things were perfect for about half a year. once again he supressed his feelings. then when she happened to be there once when he was with his friends she started talking to him. She knew that we were back together, so in my mind she was sore because of that. Its like every time we have problems he goes to someone. i've realized that it's not just her. she is just convenient. she is there and desperate to have him. So i told him to tell me that he didnt love me and he couldnt. i told him that it was obvious that he would come back and he didnt deny it. he still lives here and seems to have no intention to let me go even though we fight a lot now. but we only fight because of her. He still denies her even though she thinks that they are getting "together" and that we are over. if i ask him if they are seeing each other he says no. My question is why does he do this. to me it is obvious that she is the rebound again. He is just too stubborn to see it all. he wont talk about it. i love him and i want to be with him but i dont know how to get her out of our lives. she is persistent. i have thought about talking to her but i dont know that that will help. if you have any suggestions please help. i really want to get him to grow up but she is giving him reason to be that way because she is the same.
silentcharon Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Hun, I was in the same boat as you are now. I got out by going NC. You need to realize you can't change anyone's behaviour or choices. You can only choose what you want to do. Sometimes it seems like people make choices, and it affects you so much that it seems like they're making the choices for you. You know that isn't true. Now, you have a choice. Keep in mind you can't change their behaviour/choices, only they can do that. You can either stay in the relationship and accept that you have to share your boyfriend with her. Or leave, because you don't want to share your boyfriend with anyone else. If you stay, nothing is going to change. If you leave, your boyfriend will either grow up and realize that he wants to be with you, not her. If not... well, you have your answer. If he wants you, he will change his behaviour. IMHO, you should leave.
Author Jocelyn Posted March 23, 2007 Author Posted March 23, 2007 yeah thats what sucks. I want to be with him but i can't trust him. i will always feel like he will do it again. I know exactly what he's trying to do and I can deal with that. It's sad because maybe he will grow up and realize he wants to be with me. but then i think...how am i going to take him back? I know that he will realize his mistake but by then it will be too late. i was just hoping to fix it before it got worse. If i leave him, i dont want to go through it again. once i have decided to move on, it's a decision that i dont want to go back on. I know i can't change him. i guess i was just hoping for there to be some way to get through to him u know? but wishful thinking on my part wont be enough. i am not willing to share him and at least i know that i tried right? i'll know that if he's suffering, it will be his own fault. I am just scared of wanting to take him back when he comes back again. saying no to him will be hard. I am just hoping i wont give in... thanks for the advice. in my mind i know what i have to do....it's just really hard. my brother says that i should wait and do it when i'm ready....but i fear that i will never be ready
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