luvtoto Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 My past life experiences have been, how do you say, very complex. My past has caused me a lot of shame in my life from my own actions and those of my dysfuctional families. Four years ago, I put a halt to ALL the drama. By doing that, I had to cut out people from my life. Family members and such. In turn, I am happy and life is good now. Rarely do I ever go back to that time. I've dealt with all my baggage. So, why do I have this posted in the dating section? Well, I am getting to know this new guy. He's gonna wanna know about my past. Right?? How do I dodge those questions and keep the conversation focused on the present, without him thinking I am trying to hide *something* from him?? It's not that I have skeletons in my closet, it's just that I see no need to bring up my past. It's over, and I ain't lookin' back. Would you respect a woman for being that way, or would you sound off the "baggage alarm" and dart??
sunshinegirl Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Do you have a general, neutral way to describe your past, such that you don't sound defensive about it but make it clear that it's not something you want to delve into? I think if you clam up completely when asked innocent questions about your past, you might set off some alarm bells.
alphamale Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 we've all gone thru a lot of stuff LUVTOTO...as long as your past "baggage" isn't available on video or DVD then I don't care
Topper Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 If you and your family were never a guest on the Jerry Springer Show I would say any baggage can't be all that bad. actually there is a lot to be said for someone who has over come a dysfunctional family. Think about what Newt Genrich just did by being open he has taken ammo away from his enemies. Keeping secrets can hurt you, in the long run your much better off being open an honest about your past. We all have baggage.
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 You only tell him what you feel comfortable telling him.. As only someone you are dating he has no business knowing your past baggage. Only your current baggage should he know about.. If things turn deeper in 6 months or so you can let it out a little at at time.. Time will tell how much he can handle and how much you need to take to the grave If he asks a direct question you can't lie.. but you can say that you don't feel comfortable talking to him about such deep personal things yet..
Author luvtoto Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 quote=Topper;1128377]If you and your family were never a guest on the Jerry Springer Show I would say any baggage can't be all that bad. actually there is a lot to be said for someone who has over come a dysfunctional family. Yes. I wouldn't trade my past for anything. And eventually, I would be open to talking to him, but not right out of the gate. Unfortunately, those "family" questions are asked first. So, I guess I need to come up with a neutral response at first. Hmmmm....any ideas?
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 You only tell him what you feel comfortable telling him.. Perfect answer. Stay true to yourself here. Anything short of having a stalking axe murdering exBF is really not his business. Remember to focus on today and not yesterday. Who you are is cause of all the stuff you've been through. And he didn't want to know you last year...he wants to know you NOW.
alphamale Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Hmmmm....any ideas? just keep it vague and say due to past things you're not that close with some family members and wish to not discuss it further right now. um. yea you seem to be putting the cart before the horse here. you haven't even gone out with mr.cowboy boots yet and you're already sweating bullets. chill out girl. you may go out with him once or twice and decide he's an idiot.
Author luvtoto Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 You only tell him what you feel comfortable telling him.. As only someone you are dating he has no business knowing your past baggage. Only your current baggage should he know about.. If things turn deeper in 6 months or so you can let it out a little at at time.. Time will tell how much he can handle and how much you need to take to the grave If he asks a direct question you can't lie.. but you can say that you don't feel comfortable talking to him about such deep personal things yet.. You mean I can't tell him that all my family is dead? That response usually gets nosey people out of my business pretty quickly. But, if he asks "Do you have any family, brothers or sisters?", what am I supposed to tell him? That is not a question people say "no" to alot.
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Yes. I wouldn't trade my past for anything. And eventually, I would be open to talking to him, but not right out of the gate. Unfortunately, those "family" questions are asked first. So, I guess I need to come up with a neutral response at first. Hmmmm....any ideas? I would say something like this ie: I grew up in so and so. My mom lives here and my dad lives there. I have two brothers and three sisters. You?
Author luvtoto Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 um. yea you seem to be putting the cart before the horse here. This is so out of character for me. Just never met anyone locally before, that all my friends approve of. He's my 'needle in a haystack'. But, don't worry! I'll play it cool around him. I can act like a dumb**** on my own time!
Author luvtoto Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 I would say something like this ie: I grew up in so and so. My mom lives here and my dad lives there. I have two brothers and three sisters. You? If only it could be explained that easily.
Author luvtoto Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 If he asks a direct question you can't lie.. but you can say that you don't feel comfortable talking to him about such deep personal things yet.. Will do!! Thanks Art. Has any woman every said that to you?
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 If only it could be explained that easily. Why can't it? Don't ever offer up more information than is necessary. My dad taught me that. If you say how many brothers and sisters you have and then put the question back to him then you haven't lied. And you're actually showing an interest in him as well. It's a win/win.
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 great advice ART ... Thanks Alpha.. I aim to please
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Will do!! Thanks Art. Has any woman every said that to you? Yep... my current GF... she doesn't and never has had a relationship with her Dad and it took her months for her to talk about it to me..
Author luvtoto Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 Yep... my current GF... she doesn't and never has had a relationship with her Dad and it took her months for her to talk about it to me.. That's comforting to know, AC. She stayed true to herself, and talked when she felt more comfortable. This probably made you feel closer to her and respect her more because of it. I keep forgetting that other people have gone through these things, too. I'd like to know just why I am getting so flipped out over this?! My friends are freakin' me out. They are all telling me all these great things about him, and I now feel intimidated. Almost like he's out of my league. I mean, where the hell did this guy come from, why does he seem so perfect to everybody? It's just a date. It's just one date.
kribby Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Exactly! It should be explainable that easily. I have a ridiculously complicated past- and I can sum it up in 2-3 sentences. You can do it! I mean-- how much do you want to disclose? In my own situation-- I decided boyfriends do not = therapists. So I challenge you... you say you are over it-- prove it by summing up your history and not dredging it out! Yep!
Author luvtoto Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 Exactly! It should be explainable that easily. I have a ridiculously complicated past- and I can sum it up in 2-3 sentences. You can do it! I mean-- how much do you want to disclose? In my own situation-- I decided boyfriends do not = therapists. So I challenge you... you say you are over it-- prove it by summing up your history and not dredging it out! Yep! I absolutely love your attitude. You sound like a very positive person. Yes, you are right. Challenge myself. That's funny, cause I was thinking the same exact thing earlier. I figured out that this isn't about him, it's more about me and finally letting go of what I've claimed to have let go already. Time to challenge myself. And I like how you put 'ridiculously long past'. Yea, that's sums it up for me, too. Also, you are right. BF's do not equal therapists. Never have felt that way. I've had BF's complain that I am not open enough. Sharing feelings=vulnerability. My BF's from my past were physically in the middle of my drama. Since, I've never had a relationship since I cut those horrible family ties. Now, that was 4 years ago!~ They are out of my life. Time to move on, show him my positive attitude, and that's all he'll care about anyways. Who the hell wants to hear my sob stories anyways. I'm doing him a favor by keeping things to myself. Well, I've talked the talked, now it's time to walk the walk.
alphamale Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Who the hell wants to hear my sob stories anyways. I'm doing him a favor by keeping things to myself. you shouldn't bring up serious stuff until you're both settled into coupledom anyways... Well, I've talked the talked, now it's time to walk the walk. quack quack
Author luvtoto Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 you shouldn't bring up serious stuff until you're both settled into coupledom anyways... OMG, yes. Fo-sho! This whole thread was about keeping private things private.
Author luvtoto Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 Originally Posted by lubtoto You did that on purpose, didn't you?
alphamale Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 You did that on purpose, didn't you? yes but only cause I like to flirt with you
Author luvtoto Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 yes but only cause I like to flirt with you ..because I am soooo naughty, right?
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