mattie2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 my bf of almost 2 years and i have broken up before. things have been a little rocky lately, and this morning i woke up with this e-mail: Dear C., The past year and a half we have shared some wonderful times. Times I will hold dear to my heart for years to come. You are by far the most amazing woman I have ever had the chance to be close to. You are intelligent, poised, determined, stunningly beautiful, and you continue to impress me. In a time in my life when I cherish freedom more than security you have allured me for longer than I would have imagined. It is with deepest sorrow that I write you this evening. I have painstakingly come to the conclusion that I don't love you like you deserve or need to be loved. Ultimately, this has happened because I am not ready for this commitment at this time in my life. Staying together with you now I feel is only hurting you more and delaying the inevitable. While I am dejected at the thought of hurting you, I realize that this departure will only get harder in time, just as it has hurt you immensely in the past few rocky months. I know you will think to read and reread this email ad nauseum. Please don't. You know what it says. When you analyze things such as this, you always linger on words, phrases, or thoughts to punish yourself. You always tend to extract the most incisive details and bury them in your stomach like a knife. Caroline, you have no reason to berate yourself. You should only to be proud of yourself for your character, your person, and all of your accomplishments. I see wonderful traits in you and I feel horrible that I have not reinforced them throughout our relationship. If I had better communicated to you how truly great you are, perhaps issues in the relationship such as jealousy, trust, and confidence would not have existed. While I accept some blame for these issues, I cannot explain why so many our interactions yielded such negative emotional sentiments. Why is this happening? It is not one variable, but the most complex equation I have ever tried to solve. We seem to work out on paper just fine. Analyze our relationship in a number of ways and it seems it can work out in the end. But it just doesn't feel right. And these things you're supposed to feel in your heart. I know we derive different emotions from our relationship and I wish that it were different and our love could supplement to a long and healthy relationship. There seems to be no indication of a healthy relationship here, though. You speak of detachment from your family and friends, a lack of confidence catalyzed by my cruelty and insensitivity. Looking at these things you say and the way you say them make me wonder why I am the one ending this relationship. Sweet C., I so wish I could just send you an email right now to lift your heart to the sky. I love seeing you happy. You are the cutest girl I know. I am crying now writing ... and thinking.. just how much I love to see you happy. You have the brightest smile and it really brightens the world. You have brightened my world more than I can ever communicate. I only wish I could have done the same for you. Saying that you are happy in this relationship in conjunction with the other things you have mentioned would only prove that this relationship has reduced you more than you should ever accept. I have no answers to your questions, just more questions myself. I can only say that I need this time in my life to myself, I am immensely sorry for the pain I have caused you. Love, J. Is this commitmentphobia? What is this, and how do i deal with this? i am in so much pain, and i don't know where to go from here. has anyone ever gotten an e-mail like this?
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 No, I've never gotten an email like that but it seems like you were bringing him down. He mentioned jealousy and insecurity on your end mixed with insensitivity on his which suggests to me that you hold him accountable for how you feel. That's why he was so enthused when you were happy, you made him responsible for your feelings. When you felt bad you made him to blame. Sounds like an emotional roller-coaster to me. No one but ourselves is responsible for our feelings. Rather, our perception of them... The relationship wasn't as much good as it was bad for him IMO.
Author mattie2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 anyone have anything to say that might make me feel better instead of arose? i was insecure because he was threatening to leave me to move to spain.
Author mattie2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 what i meant to say (minus the typo) is: does anyone have anything to say that might make me feel a little bit better instead of worse?
phillips Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Hello , I am truly sorry that you having all this feelings. I am in a similar situation. It is hard. I wanted to ask you have you guys gone to couple counseling? Are you ready to give this up? It sound like you care a lot about her. I want you to know that if the issue you have is communicating it will not go away if you leave her because you might be in a new relationship and have the same issues. It is important to work on your issues and she on hers . People tend to run when there are issues and just get involved with someone else. Don't escape if you really love her. You both got to want to work together on this. Don't have regrets. Talk to her in person do not write to her. Good luck to both of you.
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I'm not trying to make you feel bad and I'm sorry if I came of sounding too matter of fact. The guy loves you. You are lovable in his eyes. It's just that sometimes love does not conquer all. From someone who just broke up with a guy the other day I can say that he wasn't as happy in your relationship as he was bummed. For me, my guy has some things he needs to address before I'll give more of my time to him. I think maybe your BF feels the same way. He knows who you are and he loves you for you but there are probably some things within your control to be the best you that you can be. But you don't do anything about it. Instead you make him feel bad because you want him to feel as bad as you do. Really you should try to make an effort to feel better about yourself. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh to you, I'm just trying to shed some light from how I see it.
serial muse Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Well, reading the letter alone I thought - hm, it does sound like you were unhappy and he felt frustrated and exhausted from trying to reassure you and finally it got to be too much and he wanted out, because sometimes love really just isn't enough. I didn't get commitmentphobia from it; it seemed like a straightforward, decent letter. But then I went back and read your email from last week - the one about how he was contacting another woman (last?) August and September, while you two were exclusive, and he justified it by saying he didn't feel that emotionally attached to you at the time. And you found out about that incident because you always felt insecure about her, and then you had a bad dream that he'd leave you for her and decided to snoop in his email. Honestly, it seems like you may have good reason to feel insecure about that, because that was a crappy thing he did. I don't know if there were other incidents that occurred before or since in your relationship that made you feel that way, too, or if you tend to be jealous by nature, or if you're just always on your guard with him because something feels "off." Still, that you snooped is not okay, that you felt you had to suggests there were deep issues there, and that he responded in the lame way he did suggests he, too, has some stuff to work out. Basically, the one thing he said in his message that I think is right-on is that he doesn't know why you didn't leave first. I think there's a lot of truth to that - you should have. Please try to think of it this way - there's a lot in your few messages that suggests this wasn't a good relationship for you, it made you doubt yourself and feel bad about yourself and resort to snooping and you probably weren't very happy there toward the end. Maybe he has commitmentphobia issues, he's clearly got honesty issues, but the bottom line is, you weren't happy with him and now he's giving you a way out, and I think you should take it. I'm sorry you're hurting, really I am. But isn't it true that you were hurting when you were with him, too? Now you have a chance to move on.
norajane Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 He says he values freedom more than security, that he needs this time in his life to himself...I suspect those underlying needs of his are what led to your jealousy and insecurity, your belief that he has been cruel and insensitive. He couldn't give you the sense of security in your relationship that you needed, because he wasn't fully involved - he didn't love you as you deserve. People have a way of turning things around on you to make themselves feel better, or to somehow rationalize their own behavior. If you've had legitimate reasons for your jealousy and insecurity and all the bad feelings that come along with it that have brought him down, then he's justifying his inability to have a real, honest relationship with you by making it sounds like you were too much to handle. Don't fall for it. Certainly take responsibility for your own choices and behavior, but don't allow him to make you blame yourself and your insecurities if he gave you reason to be insecure. I broke up with my bf a couple weeks ago. He KNOWS what he did and ADMITS that he "blew it". But a week later, he tried the same little trick on me and sent me an email saying, "it was not wise of me to let you imagine my admittedly sizeable transgressions even larger". He actually admits he f*cked up, but he's now trying to say he shouldn't have "let" me think he had f*cked up even more than he did...ha, as if what he actually did wasn't enough for me to say goodbye. Neat little trick to put the focus on me rather than on what he did. It's manipulative, and it allows him to feel like there wasn't anything he could have done differently to make things work. Don't fall for it.
Author mattie2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 thanks for all your responses. i admit that i am insecure, but when i realized the effect my insecurity has had on this relationship and my life in general a few months ago, i started therapy, and it has helped tremendously. i am not jealous by nature. i have never had jealousy problems in my other relationships, but this one has been different. he has told lies (and maybe they were white lies or just lame attempts to avoid confrontation), and i have a hard time getting past them. god, i can't believe this is happening. i love him so much. i called him this morning and told him i couldn't believe he would break up with me via e-mail. he said he would call me tonight at 930. i hope he really does. i have always come away from my conflicts with him feeling like i am at fault and like my weaknesses killed this relationship. i don't know if it is him or me, but i do feel like maybe he passes the buck to me so to speak for some insensitive behavior because he doesn't want to take responsibility for it. sure, i have made my share of mistakes. but still... i have been through other breakups, but this one hurts the worst by far. and i am still hoping for reconciliation!
norajane Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 thanks for all your responses. i admit that i am insecure, but when i realized the effect my insecurity has had on this relationship and my life in general a few months ago, i started therapy, and it has helped tremendously. i am not jealous by nature. i have never had jealousy problems in my other relationships, but this one has been different. he has told lies (and maybe they were white lies or just lame attempts to avoid confrontation), and i have a hard time getting past them. god, i can't believe this is happening. i love him so much. i called him this morning and told him i couldn't believe he would break up with me via e-mail. he said he would call me tonight at 930. i hope he really does. i have always come away from my conflicts with him feeling like i am at fault and like my weaknesses killed this relationship. i don't know if it is him or me, but i do feel like maybe he passes the buck to me so to speak for some insensitive behavior because he doesn't want to take responsibility for it. sure, i have made my share of mistakes. but still... i have been through other breakups, but this one hurts the worst by far. and i am still hoping for reconciliation! If he lies to you, then I can't see how he expects you not to get upset with him and to let him know that you're upset. If you feel he passes the buck on to you, you're probably right - you don't sound like the kind of person that would be insensitive to your own issues. I know this hurts and you want him back, but really think about how bad you've felt in this relationship, how insecure you've felt, how jealous, and consider that you might be MUCH better off without him. Is that really how you want to feel with your lover? Norajane, I love you
kribby Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 He broke up with you over email? Okay, I hate that. Got no respect for someone who can't do things face to face. Freakin' wimp.
Author mattie2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 wow, this is hard. i really appreciate y'all's support. it has been a sleepless night for me. i don't understand the following: the past weekend we went away together and had a wonderful time. he was promising to come to my graduate school graduation in may. we were talking about taking a vacation together for the month of august. and now this?? he told me tonight that he had only been with me for the last few months because i had talked him into it...
kribby Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 wow, this is hard. i really appreciate y'all's support. it has been a sleepless night for me. i don't understand the following: the past weekend we went away together and had a wonderful time. he was promising to come to my graduate school graduation in may. we were talking about taking a vacation together for the month of august. and now this?? he told me tonight that he had only been with me for the last few months because i had talked him into it... Please segueway to NO CONTACT with your ex. Even talking to a wimp like this can do no good for your state of mind...
Author mattie2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 kirby-- i think that is very sound advice and probably the best thing for me. after the conversation tonight, i am not even sure i really want to talk to him anymore. i appreciate getting the male viewpoint from you. i agree that his behavior has been a little cowardly. either way, it is scary to me. i loved this man so very much, and i am terrified i will never find this kind of love and attraction again. again, thanks for your advice!
kribby Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 kirby-- i think that is very sound advice and probably the best thing for me. after the conversation tonight, i am not even sure i really want to talk to him anymore. i appreciate getting the male viewpoint from you. i agree that his behavior has been a little cowardly. either way, it is scary to me. i loved this man so very much, and i am terrified i will never find this kind of love and attraction again. again, thanks for your advice! Oh, I am not a man-- ha ha --- my avatar-- that guy is just hot! Seriously though-- the guy probably thinks he has been more than nice to you-- I mean-- he fully communicated that he wanted to break up. He is done. Kaput. Now if you talk to him-- he will just get progressively meaner. In his head he is like-- why is this fool talking to me???? You talk to him again-- suddenly he is gonna start insulting you... calling you fat... saying your hair needs a trim... blah blah. Seriously.
Author mattie2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 ha, funny. he is hot. you are right, by the way. he listed quite a few things tonight on the phone that he thought were wrong with me. i guess i am still in shock.
kribby Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 ha, funny. he is hot. you are right, by the way. he listed quite a few things tonight on the phone that he thought were wrong with me. i guess i am still in shock. Yeah, breaking up is crazy. I never really get why some people when conversation fails they have to start dropping the insults. The last time I broke up I had an interesting conversation with my best friend that told me something to the effect that I should 'demonize' the ex.... She was saying that it was a necessary part of getting over the breakup. I really don't suggest this strategy (even though it worked for me). You know, start listing all the major and minor issues you had with the guy in order to cement the idea in your brain that NO he wasn't the guy for you. Dunno if being angry and bitter works. It isn't really the most positive advice. But I guess if it works... dunno...
norajane Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 kirby-- i think that is very sound advice and probably the best thing for me. after the conversation tonight, i am not even sure i really want to talk to him anymore. i appreciate getting the male viewpoint from you. i agree that his behavior has been a little cowardly. either way, it is scary to me. i loved this man so very much, and i am terrified i will never find this kind of love and attraction again. again, thanks for your advice! Don't be afraid of that. First of all, it is you who loved this man, so of course you know you are capable of love and will be able to love someone else just as much and more. You haven't used up all your love on him! Second, think of all the anxiety you have felt in this relationship. If you somehow also felt loved despite his insensitivity and despite all your jealousy and anxiety, imagine how much more loved you will feel with someone who is all about you and doesn't make you feel like crap. It's time to go no contact with him so you can start feeling better sooner. Wallow for a while if you must, talk to your friends, cry, whatever you need. Then start making that list of things he used to do that always made you feel bad, make a list of the things you did not have in common, make a list of the things you wished he was and wished he did, but never was and never did for you. Write out your feelings in a journal of some kind - but don't send him any letters or email or anything! - you'll be able to get out your anger and frustration and sadness, and over time, you'll see how much progress you've made in getting over him. Then start getting out and enjoying life again - it's springtime!
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