oppath Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I'm about to leave town, and sit here 2.5 months since the breakup. Dumped for cliche/false reasons, she proposed friends with benefits 2 weeks later, and I was told her ex proposed to her ~2 weeks before she dumped me 4 weeks after the breakup. I reacted to both of those things and have finally forgiven myself for reacting harshly after the second (though not after the first because I feel I was justified). My apologies were never acknowledged and I did cross lines, I'm the first to acknowledge that only I can control how I react, but I was hurt. Very hurt. I'm doing ok, though I've had to discard mutual friends who ostracized me because they don't know my side of the story. All they know is that I said mean things, and I did, and I have no defense other than I didn't understand her reasons for the breakup (she wasn't being honest), felt belittled when she asked for FWB, and felt betrayed when I learned about her ex. I reacted as a heartbroken man would. I've finally accepted that except for the friend who outed my ex to me has been semi ostracized too. I'm leaving town for 6 months and wish to put all this behind me. I don't view my ex as a bad person -- she's not on a pedestal -- I just feel she is bad at confrontation, couldn't completely let go (asking for FWB), and she had decided to end things before her ex proposed (she said no) but didn't want to end things over the holidays while I was away. Now she did make mistakes, big mistakes, but she's human, and I forgive her. I too made mistakes in reaction to her mistakes, and it's time I forgave myself. My problem is, for some reason I wish to reconcile as friends. I'm not going to do this, as I expressed this desire (to be friendly, not friends yet) when I apologized twice and received no acknowledgment. I'm not going to contact her before I leave. No way. I'm convicted of that. I still have feelings for her; I really regret the way things went down though I know she too has responsibility, I've shouldered all the blame. I don't know why I'd like to eventually be friends with her...maybe because I was so happy before I started dating her, hanging with her and her friends, and I want that happiness back. While it would be too painful for me to be her friend right now, I just find it stupid that there is hostility from her friends, who once really liked me. It's dumb. There is no need to choose sides. I know it may be best for me not to have anything to do with them but I still feel it's dumb. I really feel my heart would be healed if she would have acknowledged my apology and we expressed forgiveness of each other, but that's not going to happen. I must move on without that. And slowly, I am moving on. I'm returning to my old self and am starting to feel flirtatious. Time away will be great for me. I just wish things had ended on good terms. She set fire to the bridge and I fueled it to it burned down. I have forgiven myself, I just feel disappointed. I wish we had never dated and just fostered a friendship. I do feel she is a good person, a great person, though she's not the one for me, and she is passive when confrontation is required and tries to spare feelings by being dishonest. Those are some serious flaws, but I forgive her. Surely I'm not over her. There is nothing I can do to bridge gaps, and I know I shouldn't, and I won't try, but I really want to affirm each other. I think this is because I'm depressed and struggle to affirm my own worth, but also because it just feels like the right thing to do. I know there will be other women in my future and I'm not going to settle for less than what I want (and no, my standards aren't unreasonable). I suppose I just need more time, and more patience and persistence, and a few dates to boost my esteem.
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