anger/temper issues

[sunshinegirl]

OP, if you are thinking seriously about a long-term future with your BF, you might consider reading John Gottman's work - I'm thinking specifically of his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

 

He runs a "love lab" in the Pacific Northwest in which he has observed hundreds and hundreds of married couples dealing with conflict in their relationships. From that he claims now to be able to predict with 90% or more accuracy whether a couple will divorce. So in this book he outlines the kinds of behaviors that tend to lead to divorce, and talks also about the kinds of conflicts couples have - solveable ones and unsolveable ones. It was a real eye-opener to me to hear that every couple has some fights that just never get resolved, and so successfully managing those conversations becomes really important, because they will just keep coming up again and again.

 

Anyway, it might be interesting for you.

[serial muse]

I think losing your temper easily can be attributed to things besides anger. I think it's more a matter of self-defense, and probably a reaction based on fear of something. I think some people have convinced themselves probably more sub-consciously than consciously that the way to overcome a "threatening" situation is to become very aggressive. It's a strike first and strike hardest reaction.

 

I was often pushed to the point of losing my temper by my ex. We had really crappy fights about stupid stuff, mostly her inventing ways to doubt whether I had deep feelings for her (never mind how much emotional distance I tolerated from her). I'd get to a point where I had used all reason up, and it looked like the relationship was at stake due to what she falsely thought about me. And then I would get openly angry and much more aggressive and would even start gesturing a lot and getting physical with inanimate objects, etc. I felt very emotional, but it was triggered by fear and frustration. Like feeling backed into a corner.

 

I realized I was acting like an ass, and all my bluster was doing nothing for us. And it was making me feel bad about myself. So I just stopped. I stopped reacting to her craziness. I thought it would help me feel better about controlling myself (which it did) and it would help her to trust me more as an even-tempered guy who feels secure in my own decisions (she didn't trust me more, but I did learn to focus on the fact that I make good decisions, regardless of what she thinks).

 

Anyway, sometimes I think flying off the handle is more a choice than people want to think.

 

I think you make some excellent points here, Johan. I too can have a nasty temper (again, like my dad). It takes a lot for me to get that angry, but when I do it generally stems from the long-term frustrations and fears that I'm not being listened to and that I have no voice in a relationship. So eventually I might blow up as a way to assert myself, and it isn't pretty.

 

Even though I may have good reason for those fears and there may be good reason for me to be angry (and it feels great at the time to let it all out), going off the deep end just makes me feel bad about myself. So it's a terrible long-term strategy, and one that I'm actively working on. As Johan says, it can be very empowering to learn to recognize the anger impulse, question it and see that you do have a choice as to how you react - whether by stating calmly that an insensitive comment is not okay, or simply saying you need time to walk away and not respond with anger.

 

I think another problem,too, is holding things in. If your partner says something insensitive and you "let it go," often times that really means it's being stored up, as is now part of a list of hurts that validates growing resentment. So if your partner is the sort of person who often makes throwaway comments that they don't know might be hurtful, letting them know that you're upset by them when you're both calm (as the OP did) could be the way to go.

[dropdeadlegs]

Excellent posts by Johan and serial muse!

 

I especially liked that "letting things go" often means "storing up." When differences are addressed, or nipped in the bud, it goes a long way towards preventing that bottled up explosion. Letting things roll off my back was letting them get stored in my ass. When my ass exploded, well, it was very ass-like. While it felt good to relieve myself, it really just stunk up the room for everyone , including myself.

 

You could call it a $hitty situation.

[Lauriebell82]

wow thanks guys..what would i do without ya?

 

in response to what Walk said, he doesnt say really mean things jsut insensitive, prickish comments. i can be overely sensitive sometimes, esp. when i feel i am being criticized. sometimes i feel my bf does this, so in return instead of calmly trying to tell him how i feel, i get defensive and pissed off and lose my temper. this in turn pisses my bf off more and triggers the fight. viscous cycle i guess.

 

anyway, after he talked to me about what was bothering him, things were wonderful between us. i tried to experiment with my newfound "calming solutions." we were having a really wonderful night together last week and i asked him if he goes home for easter, and if he doesnt than he is invited to have easter dinner with me and my family. he then said in a smart a$$ way, "oh well i'm def. going to go home then." of course that pissed me off cause it was a stupid thing to say, and he could see that i looked pissed, so he immediately apologized and said it was a stupid and insensitive thing to say. i tried to stay calm and told him that it hurt my feelings so he told me he didnt mean it, and that he would love to come. problem solved, no fight, not explosion. i think it surprised us both, and the next morning he sent me a text message thanking me for such a wonderful night. he usually doesnt do that. so maybe we are learning more effective ways of dealing with conflict. i just hoep i can keep doing it.

 

about the talking with him thing, i might do it when i see him this weekend (its LDR, he's coming to visit me at school for teh weekend) because i would rather do it in person than over the phone. i am just not sure how to go about it. any suggestions since u guys are so good?

[LakesideDream]

It's been a thread full of thoughtful posts. When reading, I try to put myself in the others shoes.. so.

 

What would the advice be from LS'ers if it was a man posting? How would the community react if it was a man who lost his temper and began yelling during an arguments on numerous occasions?

 

I postulate that there would be many posters pointing out "red flags" everywhere. The "A" (abuse) word would have been used dozens of times before now.

 

If I were Lauriebell82's "boyfriend" I would probably be doing at least what he is doing... hedging my bets and remaining available. More likely I would have "moved on" even if on really ment "away" without another dating prospect. That's just me though. I have no fear of being without a current dating partner.

 

This situation is exactly what the dating process is for, that is to use the time without firm future committment to judge whether there is a long term potential for the relationship.

[Lauriebell82]

I postulate that there would be many posters pointing out "red flags" everywhere. The "A" (abuse) word would have been used dozens of times before now.

 

If I were Lauriebell82's "boyfriend" I would probably be doing at least what he is doing... hedging my bets and remaining available. More likely I would have "moved on" even if on really ment "away" without another dating prospect. That's just me though. I have no fear of being without a current dating partner.

 

This situation is exactly what the dating process is for, that is to use the time without firm future committment to judge whether there is a long term potential for the relationship.

 

woah, wait a second. i am NOT abusive to my bf, nor would i ever. there is a difference between losing ur cool and being abusive. just because u have a temper, doesnt mean its abuse. as far as he "moving on", if he didnt love me he wouldnt have talked to me about it. he knows for a fact that i would never ever hurt him or be abusive towards him. its not just him, i yell at my parents and sister, but i'm not being abusive towards them. they say the same thing that my bf does because they love me. he wants a future with me, but would like to help me control my temper.

 

i get my temper from my dad, and he is in no way abusive towards my mother, even though he does get pissed and yells when he's angry. doesnt mean he is abusive, or that there are any "red flags".sorry i dont appreciate ur comment

[LakesideDream]

woah, wait a second. i am NOT abusive to my bf, nor would i ever. there is a difference between losing ur cool and being abusive. just because u have a temper, doesnt mean its abuse. as far as he "moving on", if he didnt love me he wouldnt have talked to me about it. he knows for a fact that i would never ever hurt him or be abusive towards him. its not just him, i yell at my parents and sister, but i'm not being abusive towards them. they say the same thing that my bf does because they love me. he wants a future with me, but would like to help me control my temper.

 

 

 

i get my temper from my dad, and he is in no way abusive towards my mother, even though he does get pissed and yells when he's angry. doesnt mean he is abusive, or that there are any "red flags".sorry i dont appreciate ur comment

 

 

Actually, I agree with you. Yelling is not abuse, however, that is not the prevailing attitude in todays society. If you called the police and claimed your BF was "shouting" at you and you were frightened he would either be arrested, or removed from the premises.

 

That's the way it is.

 

As for "moving on", I didn't advise him to do that, I said that was what I would probably do. Life is to short spend any of it being "shouted at". Just pointing out the double standards.

[dropdeadlegs]

What would the advice be from LS'ers if it was a man posting? How would the community react if it was a man who lost his temper and began yelling during an arguments on numerous occasions?

 

I postulate that there would be many posters pointing out "red flags" everywhere. The "A" (abuse) word would have been used dozens of times before now.

LD, I chewed on this for half an hour and I would have to agree with you. A man would be looked at differently by many posters. The only plausible reason I could come up with for the gender bias is that men, being physically stronger in most cases, could escalate the verbal assault to a physical assault. Still not fair, as most men do not hit women. Just wanted to validate your view.

 

Of course, knowing Lauriebell as I do from other threads, I understand that she probably reacts out of defensiveness, due to some insecurities arising from simple fear. If I didn't feel that I knew her at all, I might be more concerned.

 

All that being said, I can honestly say that my yelling certainly bordered emotional abuse. When my oldest child would act out at home or school, I actually said "One day I'm gonna kill you, son." I said it more than once. When he was 16, he told me that he truly believed that one day I would kill him. He really feared it. Of course, I had no intention of doing so, it was a figure of speech to put emphasis on my anger. An adult wouldn't have believed me, but since the anger was directed at a child, I think it could be considered abusive.

 

Not a point of pride, just an honest observation about the woman I used to be.

[Lauriebell82]

i see what u guys are saying. my bf and i dont have those types of fights however..the most hurtful name i have ever called him is "an idiot" mainly because he was acting like one.

 

yeah i get real defensive when i feel someone is attacking or criticizing me, and when i feel my bf is doing that i snap. i guess what i mean by a "temper" is that i just start yelling. i dont yell hurtful things, i say what i mean, i just dont do it in a calm manner and it bothers my bf because he usually is calm. so i'm giong to try to work on not reacting defensively and listen to what he is saying.

[Lauriebell82]

well heres an update guys:

 

i talked to my boyfriend last night. he found out the other day he passed his cpa exam so he is now a CPA!!! (for all of u who remember this and posted in my thread regarding that). anyway he has the option of whether or not he wants to quit his job and get one that pays less hours. he said he wants to stay with his firm (he works the most horrible long hours) and i said, "well i hope u will still have time for me and stuff" very casually. he got quiet so i proceeded to talkto him about the future and stuff.

 

i didnt even say anything about marriage or anything like that, i just inquired whether or not i fit into the equation. he didnt really give me an answer or talk about it he just made a joke about how when he gets a house he wants to get a garage with power tools and that i can hold his tools for him while he's working. we laughed about it and stuff.

 

here is the confusing part: so i started talking more about the future and all, and he suddenly just stopped and said, "hey let's just take it one day at a time." and changed the subject. maybe he thought i was talking about marriage and all, i really wasnt i was just trying to see if he did see our relationship as a long term thing. i am not in a rush to get married, i was just trying to find out if he sees us together a year from now, 2 years from now, ect. im so confused, now more than ever. i want to tell him that i wasnt trying to freak him out or anything, but i think talking to him further about it may make him more weirded out, and he may back away from me. what do u guys think? what the heck happened here???

[norajane]

Well, I think what happened was that you may not have quite shared his excitement at passing the exam because you immediately jumped to the future talk - your future - when he wasn't really ready to have that talk.

 

You kind of put him on the spot with your comment about hoping he'd still have time for you - he could easily have seen that as a slam for working so many hours. And then you kept pushing him about whether he sees you in his future, instead of just reveling in his passing the exam and listening to him as he shared his dreams about the house and job or whatever. The conversation became all about you instead of sharing and enjoying in his CPA success.

 

It's like if he just told you he won the lottery, and all you could talk about was how much money he was going to give you.

[Lauriebell82]

Well, I think what happened was that you may not have quite shared his excitement at passing the exam because you immediately jumped to the future talk - your future - when he wasn't really ready to have that talk.

 

You kind of put him on the spot with your comment about hoping he'd still have time for you - he could easily have seen that as a slam for working so many hours. And then you kept pushing him about whether he sees you in his future, instead of just reveling in his passing the exam and listening to him as he shared his dreams about the house and job or whatever. The conversation became all about you instead of sharing and enjoying in his CPA success.

 

It's like if he just told you he won the lottery, and all you could talk about was how much money he was going to give you.

 

no he found out about his cpa exam on monday. we talked about how happy i was for him and how proud i was of him earlier in the week. he didnt just tell me, and then i immediately started talking about the future. he has been talking about it all week and i never once mentioned anything about this until last night.

 

after the whole thing about him having doubts, i wanted to ask him how much he really does see a future despite my temper, like everyone suggested, but i guess i picked the wrong subject to play off of. man how do i fix this?

[dropdeadlegs]

Laurieblee, we joined this forum at roughly the same time. I have read and posted on many of your threads. I like you. At the same time you are coming across, to me, as insecure.

 

I don't want to put you on the defensive strike. I really don't. I was very insecure myself at many times in my life.

 

I see you as analyzing every word and action put out by your BF to the point of coming off as insecure. You have stated that this relationship is very serious, and also stated that you are not rushing to get married. It appears, to me, that you are rushing to get married. I can understand that as a young woman who is nearly finished with her education that marriage seems the next logical step, but try to be patient. Please try to be patient. Marriage will undoubtedly happen for you. Good marriages are hard to come by and marriage is overrated, in my opinion. Good matches in partnership are underrated. It is pretty rare to find the person who will grow and change at the same rate, and in the same directions, as you will.

 

Stop and smell the roses. Enjoy whatever time you have with this man, be it two months or a lifetime. There is so much to be learned from every relationship and if we pay attention to those lessons we become more complete with each one.

 

If you are constantly looking to fix things, he may not be right for you. A good, healthy relationship should flow in a manner that doesn't require so much examining. Yes, all relationships have rocky points but they are just moments in time that are easily surpassed. Love does NOT mean never having to say you're sorry, it means that saying you're sorry, and taking measures to prevent further actions of that manner, can be forgiven with love.

 

Your BF loves you, but you can push him away with over-analyzing things. That would drive me mad.

 

I say this with as much love as LS can allow.

[norajane]

no he found out about his cpa exam on monday. we talked about how happy i was for him and how proud i was of him earlier in the week. he didnt just tell me, and then i immediately started talking about the future. he has been talking about it all week and i never once mentioned anything about this until last night.

 

after the whole thing about him having doubts, i wanted to ask him how much he really does see a future despite my temper, like everyone suggested, but i guess i picked the wrong subject to play off of. man how do i fix this?

 

In that case, I'll revise my opinion.

 

Now, I think it's because you pushed for the future talk on its own, without actually being honest about your concerns: that your temper might make him not want to be with you.

 

As I said in your last thread, you should talk to him openly and honestly about the temper issues and how it might affect your future. Be upfront, tell him you've thought about what he said about your temper, you agree that you do need to work to get it under control, and ask him to help you and work on it with you.

 

That will go a long way toward reassuring him that you aren't going to deny the problem and keep losing your temper. That will go a long way toward reassuring him that you want to gain control of yourself. And it will give him a way to constructively deal with it - by pointing out when you're getting out of control - knowing that you won't just get even madder if he tells you that it's time to calm down.

 

However, now you have a different problem....pushing him to talk about the future. I would suggest dropping the subject altogether. He told you what to do: Take one day at a time. That's exactly what you need to do. Don't bring up the future again. Just enjoy your time together, have fun, and don't worry about the future. If you enjoy each day, the future will take care of itself.

[serial muse]

Laurieblee, we joined this forum at roughly the same time. I have read and posted on many of your threads. I like you. At the same time you are coming across, to me, as insecure.

 

I don't want to put you on the defensive strike. I really don't. I was very insecure myself at many times in my life.

 

I see you as analyzing every word and action put out by your BF to the point of coming off as insecure. You have stated that this relationship is very serious, and also stated that you are not rushing to get married. It appears, to me, that you are rushing to get married. I can understand that as a young woman who is nearly finished with her education that marriage seems the next logical step, but try to be patient. Please try to be patient. Marriage will undoubtedly happen for you. Good marriages are hard to come by and marriage is overrated, in my opinion. Good matches in partnership are underrated. It is pretty rare to find the person who will grow and change at the same rate, and in the same directions, as you will.

 

Stop and smell the roses. Enjoy whatever time you have with this man, be it two months or a lifetime. There is so much to be learned from every relationship and if we pay attention to those lessons we become more complete with each one.

 

If you are constantly looking to fix things, he may not be right for you. A good, healthy relationship should flow in a manner that doesn't require so much examining. Yes, all relationships have rocky points but they are just moments in time that are easily surpassed. Love does NOT mean never having to say you're sorry, it means that saying you're sorry, and taking measures to prevent further actions of that manner, can be forgiven with love.

 

Your BF loves you, but you can push him away with over-analyzing things. That would drive me mad.

 

I say this with as much love as LS can allow.

 

I just wanted to say that I love this post, DDL. It should be pinned.

[Lauriebell82]

thanks guys..yeah i'm insecure. i've been badly hurt in my past couple relationships so i do overanalyze everything my bf does or says. i'm trying to stop that but its extremely hard. as far as talks about the future, this is why i was hesitant to further the temper conversation. he hates talking about the future, i'm really not sure why. he doesnt even like to make advanced plans (like planning on what we are going to do the following weekend or two weeks from now). he is more "fly by the seat of my pants" and i am def. a planner. i have to plan out everything or else i feel out of control. i am going to try to take things one day at a time, but its very hard. everyone i know is engaged, so all i hear about are weddings and how they got engaged ect. maybe that is why i am thinking about it more these days.

 

i need to finish school before i can think about getting married, which is over a year away. so, techniqually i'm not in a big rush, but it has been on my mind more due to all my friends getting engaged, so therefore i picture what it would be like to get married to my bf. yes i know kind of stupid.

 

i need to do some damage control here: i need to stop talking about the future..its hard not to because i love him and i cant help thinking about being with him. i guess i'm just going to have to wait until he wants to talk about that kind of thing. and i need to control my temper. i guess its kind of hard for me to slow myself down when it comes to relationships. i tend to get ahead of myself. thanks for ur advice, i appreciate it. i think what i need to do now is just chill the heck out. easier said than done however.

[dropdeadlegs]

It is hard to change in any way. I applaud that you are willing to try.

 

Chilling out is the best recourse. I think you will benefit from it, as well as your BF will benefit, too.

 

After the past three months I would be willing to bet that he could use a break from drama. You could, too.

 

I have said before that awareness is the first step in resolution of a problem. If you are aware, and can rein yourself in just a bit, I think you will get what you want. Don't try to be someone other than who you are, but modify yourself just a tad. You will reap great rewards from self discovery.

 

Self discovery is what life is all about.