Lauriebell82 Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 hi everyone..i'm very confused about something my bf said to me. first off for those who dont know, i have been with my bf for 7 months..its a very serious relationship, and i really love him. we got in a HUGE fight the other night and i freaked out and started yelling at him. he always manages to stay very calm when we fight, usually i'm the one screaming and flipping out. i guess thats just the way i fight and deal with conflict (i know, not the ideal solution). anyway, on to the issue. after our fight, we did make up. my bf then told me that he is torn because he is so in love with me, but he cant marry or live with anyone who has a real bad temper. he said he doesnt want to be in a marriage that has screaming fights and he says i have a very short fuse, and it worries him to take the next steps in our relationship (engagement, marriage). the thing is, when we get along and dont fight we have the best time together. we are so happy, but its like when we fight we both get so miserable, becasue we are so happy together the majoirty of the time. ok after all that rambling, i'm afraid i'm going to lose my bf if i dont control my temper and flip outs. he told me that he doesnt expect me to never lose my cool, but that i do it too often. i'm trying not to, but i'm scared he is going to break up with me if i cant control myself. has anyone else been in this same situation? how did u deal with it? i dont want to lose him, i'm starting to feel like he's the one for me, and i want him to feel the same way about me. should i talk to him about my feelings, or just let it go and try to control my temper? how do i fix this situation?
Art_Critic Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 A few years ago I had a short fuse also in a relationship with a girl.. the arguments were always over really stupid stuff. After argument that we had after 5 months of being together even though I had a right to be pissed I realized that my short fuse was something that had shown up over the previous month or so.. The people I work with were also mentioning my short fuse so.. I went to see a counselor about it.. I was working a huge amount of hours ( 90 hours a week ) I was drinking a huge amount of caffeine ( 5-7 cokes a day ) I didn't exercise I was taking a good bit of a decongestant that had pseudoephedrine in it.. I was taking a lot of it thinking it would help with my snoring that she found annoying The counselor first made me give up caffeine and start exercising.. powerwalking I now have a full blown universal gym/treadmill/eclipse downstairs to help me exercise The exercising helps a great deal.. the caffeine helped me keep my thoughts from racing and the pseudoephedrine was the big ticket for me. Once I started exercising and removed caffeine from my system I was doing great.. then when I figured out about the pseudoephedrine it fixed it.. I haven't had a blowup with anybody in years.. I occasionally still drink caffeine but not to excess.. maybe a coke or 2 every now and then if I get the sleepy's during work or while at home. No pseudoephedrine and working less hours So..to sum all that up Exercise.. Caffeine Pseudoephedrine I also cut my hours back to 40-50 hours per week
sunshinegirl Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Do you have a handle as to why you lose your temper? Is it only with him? Or is it a pattern in other relationships as well? Has it changed recently? (more/less frequent, more/less intense) Do certain things seem to trigger it? (time of day, time of month, food/drink, work-related) (per art critic's post) Is it only about certain topics? If you're serious about making changes in how you handle conflict, it is probably a good idea to look into counseling. Bravo to your BF for being so honest with you! He clearly cares about you a lot. Good luck!
JCD Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I suggest whenever you feel like you're going to blow up that you remove yourself from the situation temporarily, until you cool off. Then rationally discuss the problems bothering you. Because now, it seems like when you blow up, you attack him and not the issue at hand. That's not good. I would also leave if my S/O was yelling at me because I would lose respect for her.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 If this is unusual in your interactions with people, especially in past relationships, you might also look to the wrong type/dosage of birth control that you're taking.
Art_Critic Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 There was one thing that the counselor mentioned that is interesting.. Your temper is hereditary ( she said it comes from the males side ). She also said you cannot do anything about your temper other than alter your triggers or things that affect your fuse length. Age.. Kids.. etc.. can make you more patient.. but that that is all just affecting the fuse length. you still have a temper.. You can also give yourself tools to cool down.. Counting for example is a good one.. When you have an altercation.. count to 10 before making any comments.. Everyone has a temper.. every single person.. and we all can blow up and go ballistic. I now let things roll right off my back and don't let things bother me.. of course the tense Art is gone.. I also don't twist and grab the steering wheel hard anymore either..
Author Lauriebell82 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 thanks guys..of my temper is defintely hereditary. my parents both have bad tempers, which result in bad screaming matches. i have told my bf about this, and he has said he doesnt want a marriage like that and honestly neither do i. i have flipped out in past relationships, however it didnt bother him as much because he had a bad temper too. we used to have really horrible screaming matches and it just destroyed our relationship. i think this is just something that really bothers my current bf because he is always soooooo damn calm. he told me he's torn because he loves me so much, but he cant marry someone with such a bad temper and such a short fuse. the counting thing is good, however patience is not a virtue of mine either, so i dont think i could calm myself down by counting. i'm trying to think of other ways to calm myself down. a friend of mine actually told me to use my bf as a calming mechanism. he said when i feel myself starting to flip out at my bf think about how he doesnt like it and is having doubts about a future with me. this in turn will give me motivation to control my temper for fear of losing him. i guess i can try that, i'm just not sure what else to do. i cant lose my bf and i dont want to ruin my relationship. i have no idea what to do.
sunshinegirl Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 a friend of mine actually told me to use my bf as a calming mechanism. he said when i feel myself starting to flip out at my bf think about how he doesnt like it and is having doubts about a future with me. this in turn will give me motivation to control my temper for fear of losing him. I have mixed feelings about this piece of advice. It might work in the short term, but what happens if/when your BF agrees to marry you? You won't have the same fear of losing him, and thus your motivation for controlling your temper will disappear. And you'll end up back at square one I think you'll have more success if you reframe this issue: not as something to do so you won't lose your boyfriend, but as a larger life issue - a personal growth issue - in which you learn better ways to manage your temper in order to improve ALL of your relationships.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 I have mixed feelings about this piece of advice. It might work in the short term, but what happens if/when your BF agrees to marry you? You won't have the same fear of losing him, and thus your motivation for controlling your temper will disappear. And you'll end up back at square one wow i never thought of it that way. i just need to think of some helpful ways of calming myself down when i get upset. i could try the counting thing and see if that helps. i flip out on other people too, esp. my parents so ur totally right i do need to control it in other areas of my life too. i'm just not sure how to do that right now.
climbergirl Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I have mixed feelings about this piece of advice. It might work in the short term, but what happens if/when your BF agrees to marry you? You won't have the same fear of losing him, and thus your motivation for controlling your temper will disappear. And you'll end up back at square one I think you'll have more success if you reframe this issue: not as something to do so you won't lose your boyfriend, but as a larger life issue - a personal growth issue - in which you learn better ways to manage your temper in order to improve ALL of your relationships. Yes, I agree that you have to look at the bigger picture if it affects most of your relationships. And also with AC's suggestion of counting down. I had this problem a few years back. My friends and BF said talking to me at times was like walking through a land mine. A few things happened (chronologically). Lost a relationship that, although the break up was warranted, I in retrospect realized that my short temper played a huge part in the demise. Same outcome, but still should have handled things differently. Went to counselling. Not just IC, but relationship C. Learned how to pick and choose my battles and stick to the subject. Also to be more upfront w/grievances at the start so that it's relayed in a calm manner before they manifest and implode. Had a relationship with someone who mirrored my previous behavior. I'm grateful for that relationship, I learned so much about myself and how I was hurting others. But one of the most important things I learned is that blowing up and yelling does absolutely nothing to solve anything. In fact, the recipient to my tirade would shut down and not listen. I think that if you are upset and want to solve the problem-yelling is the least constructive thing to do. And exersise was also a great suggestion-it does release whatever is pent up.
bridget_jones Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Honestly, if you are fighting all the time, to the point where you are saying "usually when we fight," I would reconsider if he's this is the right relationship for me. fighting shouldn't be a standard part of a relationship. What kinds of reasons are you fighting and arguing over in the first place? Because your boyfriend is not considering his role in the fights, he is focusing only on how you react to fights. If you're fighting, that shows you and him are both not happy about something. That is the real issue, but your bf is making it all about you and it being your fault. Also when a guy starts saying that he is having doubts that he would want to marry you, for whatever reason...don't make it your problem and beat yourself up for doing something "wrong." I think your boyfriend is making this supposed "yelling" issue into the real issue....he doesn't see you as longterm.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Honestly, if you are fighting all the time, to the point where you are saying "usually when we fight," I would reconsider if he's this is the right relationship for me. fighting shouldn't be a standard part of a relationship. What kinds of reasons are you fighting and arguing over in the first place? Because your boyfriend is not considering his role in the fights, he is focusing only on how you react to fights. If you're fighting, that shows you and him are both not happy about something. That is the real issue, but your bf is making it all about you and it being your fault. Also when a guy starts saying that he is having doubts that he would want to marry you, for whatever reason...don't make it your problem and beat yourself up for doing something "wrong." I think your boyfriend is making this supposed "yelling" issue into the real issue....he doesn't see you as longterm. when i said "usually when we fight" i didnt mean that we fight all the time cause we dont. we just have regular couple fights like everyone else, except i'm the one yelling and screaming and he stays very calm. actually he can be very insensitive sometimes, and thats usually when i freak out on him. so he said he would work on not turning it around on me so much, and admit when he is wrong too. that has been helping. he said something insensitive like everyone does at some point, and instead of getting mad i told him that it bothered me and he realized that he had made an insensitive comment and apologized. so maybe we are learning to deal better with conflict.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Hey Lauriebell, I, too, used to have some anger management problems. It wasn't that I got angry all the time, or even easily, but when I did I was vicious. I would scream, yell, curse, and belittle the people I loved the most in the world, my family. My father has the same kind of anger reactions, so that idea of inheriting it from him makes sense to me. My anger would be horrible for my family for 15-20 minutes, then I would go on as if nothing had even happened. I could forgive and forget whomever angered me very quickly after spewing my venom. I never acted out towards a clerk in a store or a coworker, just my husband and children. My life was stressful. My marriage was fragile at best. I had four children under my roof. I hated my job and lost a lot of sleep worrying about things I had very little control over at work. What helped me to get past this was simply being aware. Once someone told me I had an anger problem (to which I replied "who are you to tell me that I have an anger problem? The person I am most angry with is you!") I was consciously aware of my reactions and was able to slowly reign myself in. It didn't happen overnight, and I occasionally have a bad moment, but I am much better than I was before.I could hear myself clearly, cut myself off and calm down, apologize for my overreaction, and still get to the point of my feelings while allowing others to have their say in the matter. It took many months, and counseling would have helped to resolve it faster, but awareness is truly the first step towards solving a problem. When you start to get heated, be aware of your adrenaline, your heartbeat, etc. and internally/mentally get those things back in check. Even one deep breath can help. It gets easier until you automatically do this before speaking out in anger. Good luck!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 does anyone agree that he doesnt see me long-term and thats why he is saying this? he told me he can be insensitive sometimes and that he would try not to do that. i do flip out over stupid stuff and everyone else in my life has told me about it too. like my parents, friends, ect. they wouldnt say that because "they just really arent that into me". i highly doubt thats the reason.
bridget_jones Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 He's the one who brought up doubts he's having about longterm possibilities with you. Usually when a guy says that, he means he is having "doubts about longterm possibilities with you." He didn't state it in those exact words, but that is definitely correctly paraphrasing what he put out there. But don't take that as a threat! If it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be and it is NOT your fault. You already have the attitude "Oh no, what can I do to get him to NOT dump me." A healthy relationship isn't all about one of the couple doing preventative maintenance all the time for fear of being dumped. Oh no, I did this, oh no,I said that, now he's going to dump me? I don't like it when women take this attitude, how can I keep my man and make it so he doesn't dump me. He should be wondering how he can keep a wonderful woman like you in his life. Don't make it all about pleasing him and his needs, think about what you want and YOUR needs.
climbergirl Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 does anyone agree that he doesnt see me long-term and thats why he is saying this? he told me he can be insensitive sometimes and that he would try not to do that. i do flip out over stupid stuff and everyone else in my life has told me about it too. like my parents, friends, ect. they wouldnt say that because "they just really arent that into me". i highly doubt thats the reason. No, my thoughts are that he does love you, but just sees something that makes him apprehensive on your future together. You can truly, truly love someone, but a person with a bad temper is hard to live with.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 No, my thoughts are that he does love you, but just sees something that makes him apprehensive on your future together. You can truly, truly love someone, but a person with a bad temper is hard to live with. yeah thats what i think too. because its not really about being with me, its about living with me, and he's afraid if i cant control my temper the conflict will just destroy our relationship if we are living together and/or married. so i'm rrrreeeeaaaaallllllyyyyyyy gonna try to not flip out all the time, because i love him and do want to have a future with him. we do have a good relationship otherwise. we get along really well, have a lot in common, and really love each other.
norajane Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 when i said "usually when we fight" i didnt mean that we fight all the time cause we dont. we just have regular couple fights like everyone else, except i'm the one yelling and screaming and he stays very calm. actually he can be very insensitive sometimes, and thats usually when i freak out on him. so he said he would work on not turning it around on me so much, and admit when he is wrong too. that has been helping. he said something insensitive like everyone does at some point, and instead of getting mad i told him that it bothered me and he realized that he had made an insensitive comment and apologized. so maybe we are learning to deal better with conflict. I think that's a great start. Since he recognizes that he also has some issues to work on, issues you can work on together, I think it's a great idea to tell him how you're feeling. Tell him that you agree with him that your temper is out of control, that you want to work on this, and ask him for his help. What he can do is tell you when you are getting out of control. Just like you pointed out to him when he was being insensitive, he can point out when you are going too far. When he does that, you can take a break from the discussion, go get a glass of water or something, and then come back and have a more normal discussion. I think by asking him to help you, he will see you are committed to getting control of your temper, and over time, he'll see that you are actually following through. You will eventually learn to recognize the signs and be able to stop yourself before you blow up, which should help with your family and friends.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 thanks norajane..and thanks everyone for the advice. i'm kind of at a loss because i really love my bf, and i think we could have a great future together and i want that. so i'm really trying to control my anger, not just for him, but for the rest of the people in my life. i get it from my parents unfortunately, so i'm going to have to just try to control in as best i can.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I learned my way of handling anger from my father. As such, he is the hardest person to keep myself calm, with because he goes off the deep end so quickly. I am a much better parent to my second two children than I was to my first two. They got the brunt of all those angry years. I can see that it has affected my oldest son the most, he has difficulty controlling his anger, too. He learned from a crazy woman (me) and I feel pretty badly about that. So, it is a good idea to learn how to control anger before marriage and kids. Again, good luck and let us know how you're coming along with it.
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Have you thought about seeing someone ? maybe someone that helps people with anger problems .. They might be able to help you in a couple/few of sessions like they did with me. If your BF/Engagement is worth it then do it.. I felt the girl that I was seeing was worth it.. and even though we never really got back together all the new GF's have reaped the benefit of it as well as I have.. It was a moment in my life that I was off course... You might talk more deeply with him about your future to figure out about how damaging this has been to everything.. One thing is for sure.. If you can't control your short fuse you WILL lose him.. he has already told you that will happen..
Author Lauriebell82 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 You might talk more deeply with him about your future to figure out about how damaging this has been to everything. do u guys really think i should do that? i mean i dont think this damaged our relationship that much, or else a. he wouldnt have talked to me about this in the first place, and b. he would break up with me. so what do the LS experts think? we are doing really well right now, and i really dont want to rock the boat or beat this thing to death. yes, i am a little confused about things right now, and how he really feels. things are a little iffy, because we havnt really talked in great length about marriage and children, but we have made future plans like what will happen next year when i graduate from grad school and stuff. i dont want to freak him out by telling him that he needs to start thinking i'm the one for him, if i control my temper. i guess there isnt a real easy way to talk about that kind of thing.
johan Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I think losing your temper easily can be attributed to things besides anger. I think it's more a matter of self-defense, and probably a reaction based on fear of something. I think some people have convinced themselves probably more sub-consciously than consciously that the way to overcome a "threatening" situation is to become very aggressive. It's a strike first and strike hardest reaction. I was often pushed to the point of losing my temper by my ex. We had really crappy fights about stupid stuff, mostly her inventing ways to doubt whether I had deep feelings for her (never mind how much emotional distance I tolerated from her). I'd get to a point where I had used all reason up, and it looked like the relationship was at stake due to what she falsely thought about me. And then I would get openly angry and much more aggressive and would even start gesturing a lot and getting physical with inanimate objects, etc. I felt very emotional, but it was triggered by fear and frustration. Like feeling backed into a corner. I realized I was acting like an ass, and all my bluster was doing nothing for us. And it was making me feel bad about myself. So I just stopped. I stopped reacting to her craziness. I thought it would help me feel better about controlling myself (which it did) and it would help her to trust me more as an even-tempered guy who feels secure in my own decisions (she didn't trust me more, but I did learn to focus on the fact that I make good decisions, regardless of what she thinks). Anyway, sometimes I think flying off the handle is more a choice than people want to think.
Walk Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 do u guys really think i should do that? i mean i dont think this damaged our relationship that much, or else a. he wouldnt have talked to me about this in the first place, and b. he would break up with me. I think a talk with him might help... but maybe from a standpoint of how "He" feels about the fighting, what he see's both of you could do to make it more productive/less hurtful, how he feels or hurts he may have. Sometimes just listening to the other person about how they feel is enough to heal most the damage done. You said your bf can be insensitive at times... You know your bf best, but I didn't get the feeling that he's saying stuff to be mean. Maybe if you gave him more of the benefit of the doubt? You don't have to give it without getting anything in return... Tell him what he said seemed offensive, but then ask what he really meant. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not the prick he sounded like. Few tricks I use to control my anger: As soon as my bf says something insensitive, retarded, prickish, if I ask "Can you explain what you meant, because it seemed like you were saying... (what you thought he was saying)?" 9 times out of 10 it'll drop the argument back into conversation mode, and out of angry people mode. I have triggers. Things that will immediately send me over the deep end. When one of those happens, I immediately stop the discussion on the problem and address the trigger. When I realize I'm getting upset, I take three deep breaths and think about puppies for a minute. Its just something to jar me from the thoughts of why I'm angry. Something you can't be angry at or about. I call a time out when I get to angry to listen effectively. I find it works best for me if I go visit my family for a couple hours, or work on something that's going to distract me enough from the fight to let me get my mind off it. Again, it's really about breaking the thoughts of anger. (If I call a time out, then *I* have to bring up the issue again as soon as I can. Or communicate that I'm still thinking on it, and I'm not blowing it off.) I try and keep a "bigger picture" idea in mind. I make up a simple goal of what I want to accomplish.. usually something really simple... like "The goal is to express my feelings about an action he did". I know when I get pissed, I don't express myself well. So in order to reach my goal, I have to stay calm. Helps me focus too. I had to be more self-aware of my feelings. I asked my bf to let me know when I'm getting defensive, hostile, angry, etc.. anything that breaks down communications. For the most part he's good at letting me know in a caring way. Its helped me to identify when I start getting mad, and can take action against it early. Rather than waiting til I'm mad, and then realizing I'm too angry. It's easier to control early.. longer you wait, the harder it is to break out of being really po'd. Problem with anger is it stops the logical thought process...
DanielMadr Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 You are on good way. You admit you have a problem. Its a great start. Dramas, fights etc. are killers. Flexibility aka good-will to suit your partner is valuable character trait in relationship. Learn how not to stress yourself or find some ventilation.....kickbox probably Dont stress yourself about your relationship. Take it easy. Be glad he is straight with you. He probably likes you very much or he woudnt care to tell you what bothers him and simply left. When you start to have those tempers say to yourself: "Goozfraaabaaaa" and inhale deep...then laugh to yourself
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