Author stace79 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 No, I sort of know this. That's another reason I've been able to continue not talking to him (like it's been a long time or something! It's not even been 48 hours yet! I'm such a wuss.) But yes, I'm afraid that is just the way he is, that he will never change and be more concerned about my needs than his. And he will always be really good at manipulating me into thinking it is more my problem. It's horrible thinking that someone you love can't or won't change. But this is the longest I've gone without giving in to his texts or voicemails, so yay for me. =o/
CrossRhodes Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Stace, while my situation is not identical to yours, it might still be instructive. I went out with a girl I worked with and we both had a soulmate experience. Eventually we started going out together. For various reasons, I got depressed and we iced it. We stayed friends but I never fell out of love, whereas she did. For the next year, I was tormented by unrequited love. I couldn't understand how we could email each other every day, have so much to do with each other, yet the "relationship" never progressed. And as the year went on, the gulf between us grew, and so did my torment. I read all the narcissism stuff and kept seeing her in it. I was totally on a rollercoaster ride. If she showed me warmth, I melted and my spirits soared. If she ignored me, I crumbled and felt insecure. This cycle would play out on a weekly basis, and eventually a daily basis. I knew it was a kind of madness, but I felt powerless to escape it. I missed her terribly when she took leave days or sick days, and holidays were agony. I couldn't imagine life without her. But eventually she left work and I realised that my life did go on without her. I also came to realise that all those times I missed her - they weren't really about her. Those were the times when I felt my anxiety rising, because I felt my life was pointless and she was the only one giving it meaning. It was a harsh realisation but it was very healing. Looking back, I can see how crushed I felt all the time because she wasn't that into me anymore. She had other friends she could be with and I was no longer that significant to her. It sounds to me like your guy is like this somewhat - he likes you, cares for you somewhat, but he just doesn't sound like he is that into you anymore. I mean, he'd rather play his PS3 than talk to you! About this whole narcissism thing: I see this a lot on LS and while it's a great way to help us feel better about ourselves in the short term, I don't think that many of us here have actually dealt with a true narcissist. I think most of are confusing narcissism with something else i.e. the imbalance between our level of caring and theirs. I say that because I noticed that my ex-wife would at times think I might be a narcissist. And yes, I was quite self-absorbed at times, but I still loved her demonstrably and I could point out many loving, selfless acts she had forgotten about. The facts weren't really important though ... what mattered was how she felt, how she could feel the imbalance, the inequity between us. The shoe was on the other foot with my girl at work. I was so much more into her than she was into me, and I thought she was so selfish for the longest time. I used to joke with her that "it was all about her, everything was about her". I still think she has a problem with proper intimacy, but I confused that with being selfish and narcissistic. She wasn't a narcissist, she just wasn't into me the way I was into her. And that hurt. Much like Dropdeadlegs said, I ended up in therapy and discovered lots of really interesting things about myself - things about my personality, my background and my psyche that contributed to my dilemma. I had always hoped I would end up with my girl because our chemistry was so wonderful. We had so many shared interests too. I felt we belonged together. But as the song goes, you don't always get what you want. Fortunately (and painfully), I think I got what I needed.
Author stace79 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 I totally understand what you're saying, but I have an example of something he has said or done to correspond with every symptom or sign of narcissistic personality disorder. For example, he can't empathize with other's feelings. He was "trying to make a decision" between me and his ex-girlfriend. Whenever I would ask him if he understood how much this was hurting me, he would say yes, but then he would follow up with saying how horribly it was hurting him and how much it was making him anxious. His suffering was always worse than anyone else's. This is also an example of how he could not see the damage his actions were causing on others. He is also hypersensitive to criticism. He couldn't stand it if/when my parents told me to move on, one of my good friends said to him one time to "sh*t or get off the pot" in reference to me, and he literally yelled at me for an hour because of that. He frequently insists that he's "not a bad guy." His image is vitally important to him. He also has this grand image of himself because he hosts a sports radio show here. He is always talking about how he shouldn't have to wait for things, he shouldn't have to do this or that because "I am _____ _____!" And many times he will feign that he's joking, but he's slightly serious about it. He also doesn't like to hear if I'm upset. Like when he decided he just wasn't ready to date anyone, it didn't matter that it hurt me, and it didn't matter that trying to be his "friend" nearly put me in the hospital with health problems of my own. Because it upset HIM, I was not allowed to talk about my problems, get angry, cry, etc. etc. My feelings were too much of an inconvenience to him Anyway, I am pretty good about realizing when someone is just "not that into me," but this case is pretty exceptional. Oh, not to mention that one time he invited me to one of his therapy sessions. His therapist asked to speak to me alone for five minutes toward the end, and she even asked if her assessment of him as being narcissistic was accurate in my eyes!! I said yes at the time, but I was more referring to just being conceited and a little self-centered and arrogant. Only now after reading actual medical/psychiatric descriptions of narcissistic personality disorder do I realize that is truly what he has. God forbid the wrath if I ever told him I thought that though!!! It's really just a sad situation to me, because I do love him for all his good qualities...and despite all my complaints, he does have them. I think we could have had something great, but he just doesn't or is incapable of putting the effort in to meeting my needs like I do his.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Yay for stace! Okay, stace, I'm going to state that true narcissism is pretty rare, just like true sociopaths are rare. Think about it from this angle. You are in pain. You are allowing this man to continue to cause that pain. Sometimes relationships, whether SO's or friends, are simply toxic to our systems, our selves. Sure, there are good times with him, but there doesn't seem to be an overwhelming instance of good times. The good needs to far outweigh the bad for any relationship to work. I know you know this. We have the ultimate control. It may not seem so at times, but you do if you choose to exercise it. You have the power. Exercise it for your overall health. And yay for you, again! Don't count the days, yet. The hours are significant. The minutes are significant. May you find the strength, sweetie.
CrossRhodes Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Stace, wow! I had no idea that a therapist had formed such an opinion of him. Even so, I'm with DDL on this - true narcissists are quite rare. As for your original question about relationship addiction: my therapist treats gambling addictions and he said he thinks relationship addiction follows the same principles. I am coming out the tail end of an addictive relationship and I honestly thought I was losing my mind. I lost a lot of my self-control and I became depressed and anxious as a result. I am in NC right now and life is much better. There's no methadone program for us unfortunately - I wish there was! NC is the very best cure, and therapy can give you a way of never going there again. Good luck
intopieces Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Well, I never really thought of my ex as a narcissist, but reading these replies is making me think. He usually calls to ask me how im doing, and if I say anything other than fine, he acts weird and has to suddenly leave. And lord forbid I bring "us" up, he then really rushes off the phone. Nevertheless, this site is great. So much information being shared. I hope you get better, and like I said before...if you find the cure, please let me know ASAP.
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