stace79 Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Okay, so I have hopped on the pendulum ride of my life with this one guy. I go literally hour-to-hour -- first, wanting to cut him out of my life completely, thinking to myself that I can do far better, that he will never fulfill my needs, that he is always going to take advantage of my feelings for him and that I will always be a better friend to him than he is to me. Then, literally an hour later, I will think I can handle this "friendship" with someone I love, I start wanting to talk to him, wanting him to come over or vice versa, wanting to go see movies with him and all that stuff. Yesterday he didn't message me on AIM or call or anything, and I kept telling myself it was no big deal, we both had a busy Monday or whatever. Finally it gets to be like 10:30 p.m. and I'm getting ready to go to bed, and I literally start getting shaky and this awful nausea because he hasn't called, I start wondering if he is with his ex-girlfriend or something (which really is illogical)... I KNOW in my head AND my heart that continuing to see him is sucking the life right out of me. I am not the same woman I was last year before I met him. He has really dampened my view of men and of the world in general. So why is it that I literally have a physical reaction similar to withdrawal? How do I get rid of this? Today for instance, he blew me off somewhat. I felt like he only spoke to me because he knew I was mad he didn't speak to me yesterday. So I blocked him on AIM. But at the same time I'm still hoping he will call or e-mail me. I want him to miss me. Really, really can't someone please tell me how to get over this??? Do they have methodone for relationship addictions??
polywog Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 It sounds to me that the best thing you can do for this is to end it (yes) and just go through the withdrawl that we all have to go through... it's hard, but it's doable. It will be best for you in the long run to get out of something that's just draining you this way, but you know this. It's just too scary for you to end it, but you'll be a stronger person, trust me, when you've gotten through. I reckon you know this and your post is about the fear, believe me..I know all about it, so does everyone else on LS! There are a gajillion threads on LS for coping with the ordeal of ending a relationship, and great, wise, compassionate people here for you... It'll help to read through other people's threads and post as much as you like here for moral support and advice! We're here for you! :bunny: bunnies for strength and hope...
kimberlyk Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I have to agree with polywog, if you are to this point where he is making you physically sick, it is in your own best interest to end it. Think to yourself this: WHY is he putting you through this in the first place? ...I can assure you that if you can care this much for this guy, you have a lot to offer to another guy...don't you think that someone who truly cares for you, calls you and communicates with you regularly and consistently, deserves your attention so much more? I say save yourself for that person that won't do this to your heart. Mind over matter...be logical in your thinking and you will see that it gets much easier to stay away from the people who don't deserve your attention.
Author stace79 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Thank you for your posts so far. I DO know in my head that the only way to heal and become healthy again is to end this relationship/friendship. The hardest part will be at 10 p.m. or so tonight when I'm getting ready to go to bed, and I just get this sick feeling wanting to call him. Trust me, I do know I can do way better and there are far more deserving guys for my attention. I've never had such a problem cutting someone out of my life before. I think that's why I'm so confused and afraid. I guess maybe I never really loved anyone before this. Usually, if someone hurts me or we break up, I just cease all contact and within a few weeks I'm back to myself again. This hasn't been the case, partly because he won't let me go, and partly because I haven't been able to MAKE myself let go of him. But I'm giving it 100% effort this time around. Thanks for all the support...this is something new to me and I dislike it a lot!!
kimberlyk Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I understand where you are coming from...just remember that time heals all wounds. I am usually the same way as you, I just cease all contact but there have been those 'ones' that were just more difficult than others. All in all, you know what's best for you, you'll make the right choice.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 As long as you are hanging onto this guy you will not be able to see the guy who is deserving of your attention and affection. He may be closer than you think, but you can't see him because your mind/heart are elsewhere. Is this a FWB relationship? Those can be hard to leave because we have convinced ourselves a) that it is better than nothing, b) that a FWB is all we will find, c) that it is all we are ready for, or d) that it is all we are worthy of. Breakups can cause a lot of anxiety and depression. Maybe you should see a doctor for some medication that will take the edge off until you can listen to your head. I took Xanax (lowest possible dose) for some situational anxiety and it helped me to get over the big hurdle until I was as strong as I normally am.
polywog Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Thank you for your posts so far. I DO know in my head that the only way to heal and become healthy again is to end this relationship/friendship. The hardest part will be at 10 p.m. or so tonight when I'm getting ready to go to bed, and I just get this sick feeling wanting to call him. Trust me, I do know I can do way better and there are far more deserving guys for my attention. I've never had such a problem cutting someone out of my life before. I think that's why I'm so confused and afraid. I guess maybe I never really loved anyone before this. Usually, if someone hurts me or we break up, I just cease all contact and within a few weeks I'm back to myself again. This hasn't been the case, partly because he won't let me go, and partly because I haven't been able to MAKE myself let go of him. But I'm giving it 100% effort this time around. Thanks for all the support...this is something new to me and I dislike it a lot!! This is bringing back memories... I had a relationship once with this guy that I wasn't even that crazy about, but there was just some addiction feeling like you have, it was unbearable! Different from my other relationships/breakups, like you. It wasn't even a very long relationship, and I wasn't happy in it, but when it ended I was an absolute wreck. I knew better, my friends thought he was a (handsome) dud, he was not up to my level, and the sex wasn't even that great. But he was like a drug for some reason, and maybe it was just something about the time in my life, who knows...it just was. I felt Ill. I confess that used to drive by his house, which was not even in my neighborhood, and I am very ashamed to admit I even did some hang-up calls (YOU, LSers, are the first I've admitted this to!) I was Obsessed! Crazed, Depraved, Despite knowing better! It was a catalyst, though. I ended up seeing a therapist and discovered all sorts of crap about myself, and did a lot of work which has made me a much stronger polywog. I got over him, with that bonus. The best part is that one night after I managed to move on, my doorbell rang and it was HIM! And I just looked at him and said No Thanks, and didn't even feel anything for him.
Ssheena Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Sounds like an emotional vampire (draining you) to me. I do disagree with Kimberelyk though. He is not doing anything to you. You are doing it to yourself and allowing his behavior to dictate how you are feeling. I've felt sick before - anxious, really really anxious if I were to put a description on it - and it's terrible. My mind just goes OFFFFFFF in circles and all over the place (prozac and ativan help along with journeling). Time to get back in touch with the woman you were before you met him. Strong. Independent. Good luck!
Author stace79 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 Some of my friends suggested meds, too...I may look into that. No, we aren't FWB...that is part of the problem. If sex was involved, I would see more clearly that I'm being used and taken advantage of. He's really sweet and caring most of the time...kissing my forehead, wanting to cuddle, always telling me how "critically important" I am to his life. But the problem is that he only wants the friendship when he wants it...if I need him, he's not as good about listening to my problems or just being there when I want him. It's only when HE wants to talk, when HE feels like hanging out, etc. He's very good about concealing that though and making me THINK he's such a wonderful, caring friend. I was reading a lot about narcissistic personality disorder lately, and he's got that if anyone does. It's sick really and I am trying so hard to get out of it. I was never in what I considered an emotionally abusive relationship before, and I hate admitting this is one, but it really is... As long as you are hanging onto this guy you will not be able to see the guy who is deserving of your attention and affection. He may be closer than you think, but you can't see him because your mind/heart are elsewhere. Is this a FWB relationship? Those can be hard to leave because we have convinced ourselves a) that it is better than nothing, b) that a FWB is all we will find, c) that it is all we are ready for, or d) that it is all we are worthy of. Breakups can cause a lot of anxiety and depression. Maybe you should see a doctor for some medication that will take the edge off until you can listen to your head. I took Xanax (lowest possible dose) for some situational anxiety and it helped me to get over the big hurdle until I was as strong as I normally am.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Oh okay, you're truly just friends. That changes things for me. I thought relationship turned friendship at first, then I thought maybe FWB based on your physical reactions at night. Thanks for clearing that up. Do you possibly wish it was more than friendship? Sometimes the chase without the catch can make us crazy, especially if we are used to getting what we want. Or used to being persued. Or are you simply realizing that a one-way friendship is actually what you have? I can't imagine feeling physically sick over a friend being less than true blue and reciprocal. Just throwing stuff out there!
Author stace79 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 Sorry I wasn't clearer at the beginning...We met and there was instantly a chemistry and attraction with us, plus we really are great friends. Tons of common interests, similar personalities. We dated exclusively for about three months, but broke up right after Christmas because he still had feelings for an ex who wouldn't leave him alone...He thought that was over in July before he and I got together, but when she found out about me, she started trying to break us up by calling all the time and crying about how much she missed him, blah blah. Anyway that isn't important to this part of our relationship. I told him I had fallen in love with him, which I do believe is true...I love the guy. He told me later on that he loved me, too, but he just wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone and he wanted us to be friends. I have tried a couple times to break this off without success. So here I am. Hope that helps a little bit. We are not intimate anymore though...just the things I mentioned before (he says it's okay for "just friends" to do that, I disagree). Oh okay, you're truly just friends. That changes things for me. I thought relationship turned friendship at first, then I thought maybe FWB based on your physical reactions at night. Thanks for clearing that up. Do you possibly wish it was more than friendship? Sometimes the chase without the catch can make us crazy, especially if we are used to getting what we want. Or used to being persued. Or are you simply realizing that a one-way friendship is actually what you have? I can't imagine feeling physically sick over a friend being less than true blue and reciprocal. Just throwing stuff out there!
Icantletgo Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 OMG. This is exactly how i am feeling. my bf of 3 years left me for someone else. he still wants to be friends. the days he calls you are SOO HAPPY and you have all this hope...but the days he doesn't call or texts you you're thinking "well he's with her..." Or when you text him and he doesn't text back immediately, you start going crazy and assuming thing... My advice is...you know what you need to do. It's just hard cause you are still in love w/ him..and he knows that...that's why he is using you...
Author stace79 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 Yeah, that's exactly it. I really expected him to call me last night before bed, but he didn't. So I called him, and he didn't answer and wasn't calling me back. Finally I sent him a text msg, which he replied to, and the only time he's done that before was when his ex was visiting. He couldn't talk on the phone with me then, but would text me. I flipped out....we got into a huge long argument, and I told him that he knows that upsets me, so why didn't he just pick the phone up for two minutes. The answer? He was busy playing PS3. The PS3 comes before my feelings. OMG. This is exactly how i am feeling. my bf of 3 years left me for someone else. he still wants to be friends. the days he calls you are SOO HAPPY and you have all this hope...but the days he doesn't call or texts you you're thinking "well he's with her..." Or when you text him and he doesn't text back immediately, you start going crazy and assuming thing... My advice is...you know what you need to do. It's just hard cause you are still in love w/ him..and he knows that...that's why he is using you...
amaysngrace Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Um you know what? Screw him. He treats you like total crap and you reward him for this with your love?? I agree you need to find the woman you were before he was around. You've lost touch with who you are because you gave away so much of yourself to him. Him, who took and took and never gave back. You can't get it back from him. Quit trying to. But you can get it back on your own. You have it in you still. You just need to stop giving him your energy. No more. Cut him off. He's gotten enough of your energy. You need to save it for an important person in your life...YOU.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Oh, stace, thanks again for more info. I understand your heart is breaking in a big way. My BF broke up with me 7 weeks in because he had feelings for his ex from May (we broke up in mid Sept.) That was over two years ago and we did get back together on New Years Eve following the break, but he didn't ever act on any of the feelings for his ex, and she wasn't pursuing him. He gave the whole me or her dilemma a lot of thought but he remained alone while sorting through his feelings. I absolutely encouraged him to come to his own conclusion. He did not ask me to leave the relationship, but I didn't feel I could continue to invest my heart in an uncertainty. It was quite painful. Since he didn't pursue the ex while coming to terms with the feelings, I felt that was fair to me and just so happened to still be interested when he asked me out again. I knew when he asked me out that he had made his final decision. It took him some time, but I dated others and was completely honest about that with him. I don't think it made him hurry up in any way, nor influence his decision. I do think he realized that he broke up with his ex for valid reasons and that we had a pretty good thing going on. Maybe if you begin to move on and date others he will see that he is missing out on being with you. He and the ex broke up for a reason, and that reason probably hasn't come into play yet, but it will. Reconciliations more often fail than work out. People sometimes just don't want someone else to be with their ex a lot of the time. They get jealous when the ex starts dating someone else. Then they want them back. If he doesn't come back to you in a relationship way, at least you will be moving on and not torturing yourself with this friendship while he is back with his ex. Your pain indicates you are not ready or able to be just friends right now. If he does come back, don't forget that he once left and take things slowly. You wouldn't want to open old wounds. It's very hard to maintain a friendship with someone you are in love with. It is often painful, and I don't recommend trying to be friends until some time has passed and you are over the feelings of "in love" and can be happy to just love that person as you would a girlfriend, for example. I'm glad that you didn't succumb to the whole sexual friendship. Of course he doesn't see why that can't happen because he would get to have his cake and eat it, too! That would only make you hurt even more. FWB only works if both can remain in the friend zone. If one falls in love it destroys the whole concept. Please take care of yourself. Your physical and emotional health are so important. You may feel like you cannot survive without him being in your life, but you most certainly will survive. You deserve to be with someone who wants you in a romantic way.
bubbalump Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I understand where you are coming from...just remember that time heals all wounds. I am usually the same way as you, I just cease all contact but there have been those 'ones' that were just more difficult than others. All in all, you know what's best for you, you'll make the right choice. Time doesn't heal all wounds. What you do WITH that time heals wounds...you must make an effort to heal and move on. Wether it mean stop contact on your terms, come to terms with what has happened and moving on with your life, etc.
Author stace79 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 That's what I'd like to do....I just don't have an interest in meeting anyone new yet. Not to mention I just don't meet that many new people. I'm honestly trying to get more involved in things -- I do volunteer work for example on some weekends. I went to a party I really didn't feel like going to last Friday to hopefully meet some people. (No such luck.) Our situations are very similar, he wanted to take time off from both me and his ex to "figure out" his feelings. The only thing he figured out was that he supposedly wanted to work on himself rather than devote himself to a relationship. He says he can't be a good boyfriend right now. I know he doesn't talk to his ex nearly as much as me, he told me that the other night. I'm just really BAD at trying to move on and not hanging on to the idea that we will get back together. I am proud that he called me last night, but I didn't answer and I have not returned his message or anything. I also have him blocked on AIM, so he can't message me today at work. I am somewhat apprehensive, because one time he said if I just cut him off that eventually he'd come to my work or my house to talk to me. He has said he won't let me "get rid of him." He wouldn't do the stalker-ish thing, but just seeing him again would be hard right now. He's really good at manipulating me. It's really frustrating, because I can see he cares about me....it's just the his version of "caring for me" isn't good enough to fulfill what I need. It's like I have to take what he will give me and be happy about it. (Like I said, totally narcissistic) Anyway I guess I am just going to try and keep myself busy today at work and not think about him if I can avoid it! Maybe if you begin to move on and date others he will see that he is missing out on being with you. He and the ex broke up for a reason, and that reason probably hasn't come into play yet, but it will. Reconciliations more often fail than work out. People sometimes just don't want someone else to be with their ex a lot of the time. They get jealous when the ex starts dating someone else. Then they want them back. If he doesn't come back to you in a relationship way, at least you will be moving on and not torturing yourself with this friendship while he is back with his ex. Your pain indicates you are not ready or able to be just friends right now. If he does come back, don't forget that he once left and take things slowly. You wouldn't want to open old wounds. It's very hard to maintain a friendship with someone you are in love with. It is often painful, and I don't recommend trying to be friends until some time has passed and you are over the feelings of "in love" and can be happy to just love that person as you would a girlfriend, for example. I'm glad that you didn't succumb to the whole sexual friendship. Of course he doesn't see why that can't happen because he would get to have his cake and eat it, too! That would only make you hurt even more. FWB only works if both can remain in the friend zone. If one falls in love it destroys the whole concept.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Good for you that are "taking a contact break." One day can make a difference in your mental health. Keep going to parties you don't really want to attend, but concentrate on simply having fun. Someone who is content and enjoying themselves is very attractive. If you still think there is hope, you don't have to cut him off completely, just protect yourself on days when you can't handle the contact. It might be a good idea to have a "come around" date in mind to avoid prolonging any misery you feel. It IS hard to let go of someone you care for. If it is meant to be, I believe that it will happen. You never know what the future holds, but he can't expect you to wait around forever until he finds whatever peace he is looking for. Your mind seems to be pretty clear, yet I understand that your heart sees things differently. Keep some balance and you will be okay.
intopieces Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 OMG, It's like we are dating the same person Stace. As I've posted before, when I tried to drop my ex out of my life, he insisted that we remain best friends. Said he doesn't want to throw away a great friendship. I guess to his credit he calls frequently, texts frequently, and IM frequently. There has not been one day since Thanksgiving where we havent communicated. But it hurts because he's a really great friend and after every conversation its like I fall in love with him all over again. It sucks even more because occasionnally he'll drop the "I love you bomb" or the "I'm really sorry I hurt yuo and wish we could have worked out" line on me. But, similiar to your ex, things tend to be on his time. He calls when he wants to. If I call him, its 50/50 I get an answer, but if I dont answer one of his calls he gets he gets irritated. He doesnt mind throwing the fact that he's been getting around romantically, even has started a "serious relationship" with one of his exes. He throws it in my face relentlessly, but I guess if we're just friends he's supposed to since friends can talk about anything. If your ex is anything like mine, he's probably a great guy who hurt you really badly. I don't know the cure for getting him out of my heart and curing the pain, but once you f ind it, can you let me know?
Author stace79 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 It's awful. I've asked him this several times and can never get a straight REAL answer: "So what happens if I start dating someone else?" And he always admits he would be really jealous but he'd get over it eventually, and his favorite thing to say is that "if you meet someone else, then obviously we weren't meant to be." That is so horribly manipulative, because he knows I will be resistant to dating someone else because I WANT he and I to be "meant to be." Arrgghh!! Thankfully he isn't dating anyone right now, and says he doesn't plan to, that he just isn't ready for a relationship again yet. However, that is the one thing I know I can't deal with...if he got back together with his ex or another girl, I would NOT be happy about it. That is how I know I cannot be friends with him, at least not right now. He doesn't get it. But yes, he always talks about how I can't throw away such a great relationship, etc. I hate it. I said to him Friday that I didn't throw it away, that he did when he said he wanted us to take a break. We talk almost every day, too. And it's very similar to your experience. If I have some great epiphany, I will be sure to let you know. OMG, It's like we are dating the same person Stace. As I've posted before, when I tried to drop my ex out of my life, he insisted that we remain best friends. Said he doesn't want to throw away a great friendship. I guess to his credit he calls frequently, texts frequently, and IM frequently. There has not been one day since Thanksgiving where we havent communicated. But it hurts because he's a really great friend and after every conversation its like I fall in love with him all over again. It sucks even more because occasionnally he'll drop the "I love you bomb" or the "I'm really sorry I hurt yuo and wish we could have worked out" line on me. But, similiar to your ex, things tend to be on his time. He calls when he wants to. If I call him, its 50/50 I get an answer, but if I dont answer one of his calls he gets he gets irritated. He doesnt mind throwing the fact that he's been getting around romantically, even has started a "serious relationship" with one of his exes. He throws it in my face relentlessly, but I guess if we're just friends he's supposed to since friends can talk about anything. If your ex is anything like mine, he's probably a great guy who hurt you really badly. I don't know the cure for getting him out of my heart and curing the pain, but once you f ind it, can you let me know?
Author stace79 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 So he sent me a text message about 20 minutes ago saying "how are you today" and all I want to do is message him back. I feel like such a bad person for ignoring him.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 As you know. stace, I don't advocate trying to be friends so soon, but how about texting him back with "I feel like crap because you don't want to be more than friends. Can you help me out with that?" If you're going to remain in contact, you might as well be honest. Like intopieces said, friends are supposed to be able to tell friends anything, right? I think his insisting on maintaining friendship at this point is incredibly selfish and uncaring about your needs and feelings.
Author stace79 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 I agree which is the only reason I've been able to hold out as long as I have. I keep going back and reading this one e-mail or some of my old blogs to remind myself how selfish he is being and that he doesn't even deserve my friendship at this point. It MIGHT be a little different if he was thinking of me, calling me, texting me, wanting to see me even half as much as I want to see/call/etc. him. But it's like, if he's having a bad day or doesn't feel well, or if he wants to "just be alone" to play his PS3 or watch sports or whatever, then to hell with me and what I might want or need. Despite all this, though, I know if we were to talk later or something he would make me feel EXTREMELY guilty for "abandoning him." But then again, that's a trait of a true narcissist...only concerned about his own feelings/wants/needs and unable to empathize with the pain his actions might cause others. I want to believe that he's really a good guy...and maybe he is, and just doesn't understand what he's doing. But it's really hard right now. I hate that I've fallen for someone who could one day make me feel like the most special and important woman in the world, and then the next day make me feel completely and utterly worthless and useless and unloveable. As you know. stace, I don't advocate trying to be friends so soon, but how about texting him back with "I feel like crap because you don't want to be more than friends. Can you help me out with that?" If you're going to remain in contact, you might as well be honest. Like intopieces said, friends are supposed to be able to tell friends anything, right? I think his insisting on maintaining friendship at this point is incredibly selfish and uncaring about your needs and feelings.
dropdeadlegs Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I don't have personal experience, but a good friend of mine married what their marriage counselor called "the most complete, textbook versioin of pure narcissism." When they were dating everybody, and I mean everybody, thought this guy was the best catch in the world. He was handsome, charming, witty, had a great job with a reputable accounting firm, and am awesome looking future. He seemed so perfect. They had the perfect courtship, the perfect wedding, the perfect honeymoon...oops, that's when she first saw the real man. Yep, that soon, on their honeymoon. He reeled her (us) in hook, line, and sinker, and when he got what he wanted, the game was over. I won't go into all the sordid details, but they were separated by their first anniversary and divorced shortly thereafter. He cheated on her, left her home alone all the time, told her she was fat (she looks like a supermodel only not as tall, 5'8"), belittled everything she did, allowed her to take a big career risk, all the while knowing he was scum. Well not really, he didn't think he was scum at all, he thought he was the greatest gift to womankind! Guess I covered many of the sordid details after all. I'm just saying that if you see some signs of narcissism, it's really best to cut your losses and RUN! Being selfish might be overcome with age, but being narcissistic is almost impossible to change. That was according to the therapist. It's like pedophilia, really deep and hard to overcome. I think the whole reason for that is because a narcissist doesn't think there is anything wrong with them. Just worst case scenario being discussed....Not trying to be such a downer. I'd really prefer to make you feel better.
Recommended Posts