Delarocha Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Hello all, I know many of you have followed my long and sometimes very self-pitying posts in the past. I just wanted to come on back and share more of my life. Where do I begin. Well, my wife officially moved out into her own apartment with the separation agreement signed over a month ago. I have been continuing to workout, read, write, and get together with friends as often as possible. I have now been on my antidepressants long enough that I *think* they have given me a bit of an even keel on my emotions. I know there are probably mixed emotions in here (as well as anywhere) about AD meds, but for me these low doses have been an absolute life saver. I am trying to take the lower dose possible, and can say for ME that I do not feel drugged or numb to my feelings in any way. Actually, for the first time in my life I seem to have the ability to stop and ask myself WHY I am feeling certain things and at the least attempt to direct how I feel in a healthy way. (I tend to get anxiety attacks about nothing, and lately I have been able to tell myself to calm down and deal with whatever the problem is.) Due to my working out and inability to sleep or eat much I was simply losing weight that I couldn't afford to lose. The weight seems to be holding steady now, and I am actually starting to see results in the mirror from the gym. Anyway, I am seeing my Psychologist every two weeks (sometimes less frequently) and I really got lucky with the person I picked. We haven't really gone into my feelings on the current situation, but rather are focusing on me and things I want to become a better person. So, I am doing a lot better. I feel like my spine is starting to grow back a bit and I am finally taking responsibility for my life and be a man. So why is the title of my post "Cried for the first time in weeks"? Well, my wife wrote me an email asking why I don't contact her. Do I not want to be friends with her or is it just easier to not talk with her at all. Now folks, I can't honestly sit here and tell you I do not love her anymore. I didn't tell her I loved her, but I responded that I do want to be her friend I am just working really hard on myself. I told her that I care about her deeply and want her to be happy and ok. I told her we should have dinner sometime, or just hang, or whatever. (All these things are the truth and how I really feel). Anyway, her response was basically she is happy that I am ok, and that it's probably best to continue as we currently are (pretty much minimum contact.) Ok, I KNOW she is right. I feel weak because I told her I care about her, but it was the truth. I just sat and for the first time in weeks broke down and cried uncontrollably for a while. I think in some way my heart was fishing for some sign of hope... which is REALLY unfair to myself and to her. I am getting ready to head to the gym... Thanks for listening. I'm not sure what any of this means. I feel better at the moment, but today was just rough for some reason. The one thing that really gives me comfort is looking back how much better I feel today than I did a few months ago. For all those out there with a broken heart, I thought it would NEVER get ANY better. It sucks, and it hurts, but time and effort do heal. Don't give up on yourself. Take care all...
polywog Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 What a great post. I'm glad you're doing well, and it gave me hope. I'm still sort of in the beginning-ish stages of what you have done. Your phrase "fishing for hope"... boy, I really relate to that. Just when you think you don't have it, you still find yourself "fishing" (I've done that despite not wanting the relationship anymore, too). Glad your meds are working. I have been taking antidepressants for years (I think I might have responded to one of your posts about them) and even keel is what we need. And I know all about anxiety attacks , don't really have them anymore... do you're doing well! Anyway, your post really moved me. All the best to you! polywog
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