hoe easy is it for everyone to do No Contact with a recent EX?

[trulycute]

my Bf and i just broke up 4 days ago and i haven't called him or tried to communicate with him in any way at all and i'm very proud of myself for that--i even mark it on the calendar each day that goes by....it hurts me though that he hasn't called me or texted me, i'm not expecting him too yet (he broke it off with me)...

 

it hurts to get the texts everyday and now "nothing".....i know,--move on, forget him, he's not for you....i say all that to myself all the time....

 

it hurts that we had a good relationship overall--good communication, great sex, common interests, had fun together doing fun stuff (walks, swimming, dinners, slidding, etc), could talk about anything and everything (well so i thought but now know different considering he was thinking of things and never let me know).....if u have all of that, how can u so easily walk away?

 

he said he had been thinking of ending it during a 2 wk peroid (during this time he seemed a little bit distant, but still got in touch with me everyday except for the day before he ended it....other than that i saw NO signs and just thought he was busy and overwhelmed with a bigger workload at work).....

 

the 2 wk peroid started of him thinking about us after i had a bad day emotionally b/c of pmsing and i was a bit cranky and a little insecure that day (we didn't fight--we never did, disagreed on things but never fought).....he brought up other day where i was a little stressed out over hosting a huge party, so i was under a lot of pressure and he thought he should go home instead of staying with me, i told him i wanted him to stay and that this had nothing to do with him...he stayed...2 bad days out of 3.5 mths....

 

during the breakup we cried, kissed, hugged and said that we still love each other, and in love with each other, i wanted to make it work and continue on but he said he wanted more and doesn't think he loved me enough to continue, doesn't know if i'm the one and couldn't do a relationship right now, wants one but doesn't feel he can give me everything i deserve ann need--i'm like what the hell?...i don't get it.....i still don't....

 

last wknd (5 days before we broke up and was last intimate) he was telling me how he had a forever love for me, couldn't see himself without me, could see himself with me 20 yrs from now, etc, etc (more stuff along that line).....and that BANG--its over, i can't continue....i just realized a few days ago that you are not the one...

 

he told me he thought he'd be ready for children within a year of us being together b/c he felt ready for that and that would give him lots of time in the meantime to get things ready for that step and then during the breakup, he said it'll be 2-3 yrs before he'll be ready....i'm 36 and he's 24 (stated to be on the same page as me)....

 

i just keep thinking that he was infatuated with me and had a lot of fun overall but when push came to shove and things started to get more serious--he had to bail....it wasn't as much fun anymore....

 

i really need feedback everyone....i may never know the real reasons, b/c he says he needs to work on his own issues and can't do that within a serious relationship..he didn't feel there was enough there to move things ahead (news to me....seriously)....i was dumbfounded by all of this....that is why its so hard for me to move on....

 

help......sorry so long winded...just wanted to give the full story...this was a man that was soooo into me until the day before we broke up....

[trulycute]

if i do want him back.....how do i go about doing it?....usually after a breakup--i can muster the courage to keep going but i don't know if i can....i think i want him back....

[Aloros]

Sadly, the only way you can get him back is to continue the NC. If you start calling and contacting him, you'll just push him away, especially if he is afraid of that committment. If he has a change of heart, he has to come to it himself. It's rough, but that's the way it is.

 

Really try to spend a lot of time with your friends and family. Sometimes it's fun to be single, and you need to remind yourself of that.

 

Keep marking those days off.

[trulycute]

Aloros.........you are so right.....keep the NC going....if he's going to come back then he needs to realize on his own that he doesn't want to be without me and that some time and distance apart has made him realize that i am the "one" afterall....but he may not come to that conclusion and like everyone says, all i can do is move on...

 

what do i do if he calls?....what if he wants to get back together?....i'm feeling that i should just be upbeat and treat the conversation very casual and not bring up our past relationship--let him bring it up (easier said then done..lol)....

[Lauriebell82]

first of all i'm very sorry ur bf broke up with u..i posted in ur other thread and have read about how much u love him. the only thing i can think of as far as this goes, is that maybe he is just a idiot who doesnt know what he wants.

 

the only thing u can do is just not talk to him. if he comes crawling back to u, i wouldnt be sitting there ready to jump back into his arms. lets say u do take him back and he pulls this crap again on u. obviously he has no clue what he wants and u do. i know u said that u guys have compatable goals despite ur age difference, but honestly i think that that is part of the reason. maybe he is just confused about his feelings and needs time to sort things out. his reasons for the breakup probably arent the real reason, so all u can do is give him time to realize how much he loves u. DONT make it to easy for him if he does want u back.

 

but honestly, i would try to move on with ur life. i know its hard, i couldnt imagine losing my bf out of nowhere like that. but seriously, if he loved u and thought u were the one he wouldnt have broken up with u. so dont pin all ur hopes on him coming back, because he might not. but dont contact him, let him come to u.

[bridget_jones]

I'm sorry. Realistically, though, he's twelve years younger and I think he decided he didn't want to fully commit to someone that much older than he is.

A factor to consider - how soon did you become intimate with him after you started seeing him? If you slept with him fairly soon, like within a few weeks, then it's likely that it was more sexual for him, and he mistook that for love as the relationship went on. This is why I suggest waiting for 2 months before beoming intimate. Then there is more of a 'real' realtionship and foundation and it usually "sticks" and is more real.

 

Good luck. HOnestly, I would just move on past your heartache and not think or try to get back together again because even if you do get back together, he's never going to fully commit to you. I was seeing a guy who broke up with me after 4 months, then I stopped contact for 2 months, then he begged me back, and we had a wonderful relationship for another year, but then he dumped me out of the blue because he said he was not really, really in love, totally floored me!

This was 5 years ago.

[Rooster_DAR]

I went through the exact same thing you did, and she said the same things your's did "I can't picture not in my life" "I loved you more than anyone ever will" but.....

 

Same garbage talk from someone who is confused and don't know what they want. I believe these people are either very confused, or infidelity is in the picture.

 

All you can do is take care of yourself, and the more quiet you are the more he will wonder what your doing. I did this for three months and my EX came back professing her true love.

 

The minute I spent significant time with her she became confused again and the mixed up signals began again. For my case, I found out she had been involved emotionally with a co-worker while they where working out of town for several months, she came back and that's when all this started.

 

 

Good luck!

[trulycute]

excellent excellent excellent advice.....you guys are so great.....i love this site...

 

i've been doing some soul searching and i think it boils down to what you guys have all already said--the age difference and not being ready for anything serious...

 

i think he was more infatuated with me then loved me ( he didn't like it if i was having a bad day, come on now....when u love someone, u support them)....we had sex after 5 wks of dating after many dates first....he was the first one to tell me he loved me and he did show me everyday until the very end...

 

i think it was fun for him until things did start to get more serious and maybe he truly believed he was ready when in fact when things started to become more real, he couldn't handle it and bailed....leaving me in the dust to shake my head...

 

he broke it off with me over the phone and i said i was coming to see him the next day after work (1 hr drive away) b/c we shared a serious relationship and i deserved more respect than that and he should tell me all of this in person....he didn't even want to see me again to break it off (that left me wondering just how much he did care about me)....

 

i've gone 4 days without calling or contacting him and i didn't cry today--so i'm on the way to moving on--it feels great....he's a damn fool for letting me go...lol...

 

thanks again everyone for all ur kind words and support!!.....you guys rock!!

[Lauriebell82]

he broke it off with me over the phone and i said i was coming to see him the next day after work (1 hr drive away) b/c we shared a serious relationship and i deserved more respect than that and he should tell me all of this in person....he didn't even want to see me again to break it off (that left me wondering just how much he did care about me)....

 

he is a wuss and didnt have the nerve to tell u to ur face..that has happened to me. it doesnt sound like he's all that mature, and it looks as though thats the kind of relationship u are seeking. not meaning to make this sound mean or insulting, but maybe u should seek out a man that is more around ur age. guys in their 20's (as well as girls) tend to have mixed feelings about committment and marriage. my bf is 25, and i think he even gets freaked out occasioinally thinking about marriage and children and all that. the difference is, he actually loves me.

 

u deserve someone who won't bail on u, and can do better than that. he sounds like an even bigger jerk that he didnt even want to see u to tell u to ur face. even if he does want u back, i wouldnt even take him back. ur better off without someone who is that disrespectful and confused.

[kribby]

excellent excellent excellent advice.....you guys are so great.....i love this site...

 

i've been doing some soul searching and i think it boils down to what you guys have all already said--the age difference and not being ready for anything serious...

 

i think he was more infatuated with me then loved me ( he didn't like it if i was having a bad day, come on now....when u love someone, u support them)....we had sex after 5 wks of dating after many dates first....he was the first one to tell me he loved me and he did show me everyday until the very end...

 

i think it was fun for him until things did start to get more serious and maybe he truly believed he was ready when in fact when things started to become more real, he couldn't handle it and bailed....leaving me in the dust to shake my head...

 

he broke it off with me over the phone and i said i was coming to see him the next day after work (1 hr drive away) b/c we shared a serious relationship and i deserved more respect than that and he should tell me all of this in person....he didn't even want to see me again to break it off (that left me wondering just how much he did care about me)....

 

i've gone 4 days without calling or contacting him and i didn't cry today--so i'm on the way to moving on--it feels great....he's a damn fool for letting me go...lol...

 

thanks again everyone for all ur kind words and support!!.....you guys rock!!

 

 

Good good good. I am glad it is working out.

[trulycute]

he is a wuss and didnt have the nerve to tell u to ur face..that has happened to me. it doesnt sound like he's all that mature, and it looks as though thats the kind of relationship u are seeking. not meaning to make this sound mean or insulting, but maybe u should seek out a man that is more around ur age. guys in their 20's (as well as girls) tend to have mixed feelings about committment and marriage. my bf is 25, and i think he even gets freaked out occasioinally thinking about marriage and children and all that. the difference is, he actually loves me.

.........that was my first attempt at quoting --hope it worked...lol....

 

u are so right....someone closer to my age would be better suited for me and more than likely on the same page too ( i didn't think u were being mean at all)....

 

right now i need people to be honest and HARSH with me--kick my butt!!..make me see what IS really going on!!....

 

also if he really loved me like he said he did, he would of stayed with me and worked on his issues with me and whatnot instead of leaving......if he was truly into me, he wouldn't of left.....all my friends are saying he'll be back, who knows, but i'm starting to see things alot more clearer now and i don't think i would want him back if he can so easily walk away from me the first time....

 

he also told me throughout the whole relationship that he always wanted me to feel secure and to never worry b/c his intentions were sincere with me and he had no plans at all on ever leaving.....

 

i have issues with trusting as most people do, so finally i let down the walls and felt secure which i haven't been able to do for a long time and then this happens.....but what i have learned is that i can trust , be secure, and not be so guarded anymore and if the person doesn't love me back, that's their problem, not mine, b/c i'm still okay anyways....i think when i'm ready to start dating again--i'll be okay and probably alot stronger too and more aware....

 

i truly don't regret any relationships--i think that they are great learning experiences....

 

u deserve someone who won't bail on u, and can do better than that. he sounds like an even bigger jerk that he didnt even want to see u to tell u to ur face. even if he does want u back, i wouldnt even take him back. ur better off without someone who is that disrespectful and confused.