TYASAFAHICSI Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 What is the current mantra on "being exclusive"? I have been dating this woman for almost a month now. We have found one time (due to kids and so forth) to spend the night together. It seems on all fronts that we get along really well. I am a horrible multiple dater and prefer to concentrate on a single woman and if that does not work out, move on. I have not broached the subject with her, but from the times she calls me and so forth, it seems like she is not seeing anyone else either. So, I think I want to do the exclusive thing..there are some benefits like the lack of condoms (after testing of course) but was wondering what the current pulse is for the time frame? Is a month too soon? I am not sure that it matters, but she is a bit younger than me as well. 32-45. We are both divorced with kids and her oldest is the same age as my yongest.
2sunny Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 wait another month and see how she reacts between now and then... i don't like it when a guy pushes too hard in the beginning... or a man that seems super possessive...that's just me though...
Ezydriver Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Personally, I have always been exclusive from day one with all my girlfriends and they always seemed to want the same too. I have been exclusive with my current girlfriend (6 weeks and going strong) since our first date. I like it that way, and so have my exes and current girlfriend, it seems. It just cancels out any insecurity that either of you may have with each other finding somebody better. Although with all this said, I can see perfecty well why people do not put an exclusive status on relationships for a while.
alphamale Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 don't bring up the subject yourself...its her job to do it. and yes, one month and one night is waaaaay too soon. she could be boinking other dudes besides you. either way its very impt that you let HER bring up the topic. hopefully it won't come up for another 3 or 4 months.
sunshinegirl Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 don't bring up the subject yourself...its her job to do it. I don't get it - why is it her job? one month and one night is waaaaay too soon ...and why is that way too soon? I would think it depends on the quality and quantity of the time they spend together. Besides, some people actually like to be exclusive before they have sex with someone.
VirtualInsanity Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Personally, I have always been exclusive from day one with all my girlfriends and they always seemed to want the same too. I have been exclusive with my current girlfriend (6 weeks and going strong) since our first date. I like it that way, and so have my exes and current girlfriend, it seems. I perfer that myself. For me I like 2 weeks or less. Unless we can't see each other that much. So then it takes longer which is understandable. Their either with me or not. I don't play games with him dating other girls besides me for months until he decides who to be with. Screw that. Sorry OP, that probably wasn't helpful and I can understand why people wait longer. For me I don't and probably never will. Find out if she's dating anyone else and see where it goes.
alphamale Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I don't get it - why is it her job?. for the same reason why its the man's job to ask for her hand in marriage...its just etiquette
Lauriebell82 Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 ask her to be exclusive..if thats what u want then ask her. if she really likes u then she'll probably want the same thing. if she doesnt and wants to take things more slowly, then dont pressure her, just decide if u want to wait for her to be ready. seriously step up to the plate dude, she's probably waiting for u!
Author TYASAFAHICSI Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 To me it seems almost teenage...like going steady. Does that conversation have to be had at all, or can you just assume.
VirtualInsanity Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 To me it seems almost teenage...like going steady. Does that conversation have to be had at all, or can you just assume. Oh I wouldn't assume anything.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Assumptions lead to misunderstandings of each of your level of commitment down the road. Commitment as in exclusivity, not necessarily future planning as a couple. Not everyone feels this way but I can't imagine getting too into someone who's boinking another woman or in your case guy, while doing the same for/to me.
alphamale Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 To me it seems almost teenage...like going steady. Does that conversation have to be had at all, or can you just assume. just chill man...its not your responsibility. and anyways its too early. you haven't even had time to determine compatibility yet. you're putting the cart before the horse.
sunshinegirl Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 for the same reason why its the man's job to ask for her hand in marriage...its just etiquette Huh. Well that's a new one to me. So I guess I inadvertently followed this etiquette rule when my BF and I decided to be exclusive - I brought it up. (Wonder if he was waiting for me to... )
RecordProducer Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I'd say after you have sex with someone and decide to see them again (and this is not as a FWB), it means they are GF/BF material. I like to concentrate on one person if I like them. I totally don't get this exclusivity thing and it basically developed for two reasons: 1. So that the slutty people (especially the male players) can have an alibi to sleep around without obligations 2. To protect people from the accusation "You cheated on me" in the first few months. So if you don't intend to sleep around and you don't want to share her with other guys, you want to be exclusive. Now since the mentality has changed, people don't want to sleep around, but they want to have the FREEDOM to sleep around. My husband and I were NOT exclusive for 3 months. I had never heard of that type of start before so I totally couldn't accept it. I couldn't stand to see his profile blinking "online, online" all the time, I couldn't stand to wonder where he went. Finally after less than two months, I slept with someone else (hubby and I were dating online so we were not really together, but we talked every day for many hours). Frankly, I was thinking to myself: if he wanted to sleep around and wasn't sure I was worth giving me a chance and focusing on me rather than me and other women then he doesn't deserve for me to be faithful to him. He told me I had a right to sleep with someone else. He however wanted the freedom for HIMSELF, he never thought that I could be the one to use it. Of course, he never said anything. The worst thing of being nonexclusive is the lies. I mean, it's not like you're going to tell both women that you're sleeping with someone else. So they shouldn't ask where you were last night and you can say "I can't make it tonight, I am busy" - no further explanation. That's not good. Anyway, I told him about 6 months or so into our marriage that I had slept with someone else during that time. He had told me before many times that he hadn't dated anyone. He actually went on a date one or two times, but the women had huge butts so I guess I am lucky? It makes me feel like it wasn't me who was good enough, it was THEM who were not good enough. So It old him... to punish him. And he didn't like it, but didn't make a problem out of it. He said HE didn't sleep with anyone. Well, that's his problem, isn't it? He could have... Anyway, the non-exclusive period serves to give you the freedom, but if you care, you will not use the freedom. It's like giving someone enough rope to hang themselves. But then you think if the freedom was there, why not use it? See, I didn't do it because I wanted to use the freedom... I was hurt because he went on a business trip to Spain and didn't call me for a few days and I thought he was going to meet up with a woman. Well it turned out he didn't, but how did I know when our relationship was just... casual? The bottom line is: every woman would feel it as a compliment if you want to be exclusive with her. If I were you, I would let her know that you want to date only her and vice versa, that you are not into this swinging behind someone's back and sleeping around (that leaves a good impression), that it doesn't mean she is pressured to meet your parents next Sunday or baby-sit your kids, that you simply like the old-fashioned dating game better than the playboy's games.... BUT if she disagrees, you're willing to wait and see how things go.
alphamale Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 The bottom line is: every woman would feel it as a compliment if you want to be exclusive with her.. there's nothing wrong with that RP after you've been dating her for 3 to 6 months. But not after only 30 days of knowing each other. Thats crazy. Most relationship experts recommend becoming exclusive after getting to know each other very well. Having a long non-exclusive period is best for both parties cause they can have time to make decisions and see the other's behaviour while also keeping their options open.
Art_Critic Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Isn't it really a double edged sword ? I only have sex with one woman at a time and don't overlap relationships.. So I consider us exclusive at the time we have sex.. ( if we continue to see each other after she has had a piece of Art that is ) But for me to consider an exclusive relationship early on is nuts.. So when I have sex with a new GF I pull myself off the market and put myself into a dating limbo till we have the exclusive talk.. The relationship will already be on it's way though if I have sex with a girl..So the talk can either happen right away or on down the road.. I wouldn't expect her to be exclusive to me but I would expect her not to sleep with anyone else after we become intimate
Art_Critic Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Most relationship experts recommend becoming exclusive after getting to know each other very well. Most relationship experts also don't advocate having sex with someone until you are in an exclusive relationship Alpha. Double edged sword.. You can't have an exclusive relationship till you have sex but you can't have sex until you have an exclusive relationship.
alphamale Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Most relationship experts also don't advocate having sex with someone until you are in an exclusive relationship Alpha. that's true... You can't have an exclusive relationship till you have sex but you can't have sex until you have an exclusive relationship. it really depends on the woman....the last woman i dated for 6 months we were bangin' away like bunnies and we never had the "talk". She didn't bring it up and I wasn't going to bring it up. I've slept with some women for months before they say anthing about exclusivity. Maybe I just date tramps But on the other hand, yes, there are women who won't have sex until you give them your soul.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 But on the other hand, yes, there are women who won't have sex until you give them your soul. Oh give it a rest alpha. I don't want a guy's soul, he has to have mine before I bang him 'cause anything less is leftovers. A completely different perspective. You view sex as a simple human appetite. I look at it as integral for a meaningful relationship but it comes last on the get-to-know-you agenda.
alphamale Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 You view sex as a simple human appetite. I look at it as integral for a meaningful relationship but it comes last on the get-to-know-you agenda. well that's basically the battle of the sexes isn't it TBF?
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 well that's basically the battle of the sexes isn't it TBF? If you consider the battle of the sexes the gender divide, then yes, it is to an extent. Men = primarily driven by visual and physical stimuli. Women = primarily driven by emotional stimulous, although many times visual stimulous is a component of this. Many women believe as you do so either way it can't be a blanket statement like that.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I disagree with alpha that it's always the woman's job to bring up the issue of exclusivity. If you're the kind of guy who prefers to focus on one woman, rather than dating several at once, then I understand what you're experiencing. I'm the same way. That being said, I agree with him that it's too early. A guy suggesting exclusivity after a month sounds somewhat desperate. I've made that mistake before and in retrospect, it was a bad idea.
Author TYASAFAHICSI Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 I am for exclusivity in dating even early on. I am a poor liar and would screw it up. RP--thanks, make sense to me to a degree. AC--also to you. I think what I will do is just have a conversation that alludes to it. Bring up dating with kids and just say that I do not date multiple women and am a horrible liar so it is easier this way and see what the reaction is. She can either say .. yeah me too....or she can say, well I have no problem. In either case, I will know the deal!
alphamale Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 ahh but you're forgetting that people like some challege and that whatever comes easy loses value. she may just tell you that she isn't interested in being exclusive with you.
Author TYASAFAHICSI Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 True and then I will know where I stand and can do whatever from there.
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