luvtoto Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I am with AC! Maybe the kids wanted to talk to dad. If you make your man choose between you or his kids. He will pick his kids. I agree that there are some very manipulative ex-wives in this world, and what she did might have been a 'stunt'. But, if he doesn't have a problem with it, then there is nothing else you can do about it.
bridget_jones Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 If you do get married, his CS payments will remain the same. And you are getting into this relationship knowing he is a father that is paying CS. I honestly don't think it is your business what his terms of agreement are between his ex and him regarding CS. You do understand he will be paying CS until the kids turn 18, right? You sound so annoyed with this whole situation and you aren't married yet. Perhaps you can rethink your relationship with your BF, his ex and the kids. It doesn't sound like you are very willing to work through this and accept the kids, nor the ex. My dad had to pay child support until we graduated college or turned 22. Something to think about, Candy.
LittleWoman12 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Tell your BF to get a cell phone. Or, if he already has one, he should tell his ex-wife to ONLY call him on that one and not bother you with HIS problems. If he doesn't answer HIS phone or it's turned off, too ****ing bad. She should not be calling on your phone. If he doesn't agree, tell him to take the high road. I am always stern with my BF's.
luvtoto Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 stay out of it and you will be doing yourself a favor. Yes, exactly! Let's just say that his ex-wife is "the ex-wife from hell". My advice would be to rise above her antics. Don't let her get a rise out of you. Never let her see you sweat. This will show her that you are secure in your relationship, and that you have character. I say, kill 'em with kindness.
VirtualInsanity Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 so there are supposed to be no boundaries? if his kids call him on a thursday evening and say i miss you and want to see you he's supposed to ride the hour to their house? No there should be boundaries. But if your bf is okay with this then there is nothing you can say or do to change his mind. What does your bf think?
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 She should not be calling on your phone. It's his house she called, not Candy's.
TYASAFAHICSI Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 -and his money is my business if we wind up married , I think i should know where it goes, A girlfriend of 5 months (I think you said) has no right to know ANYTHING about my finances. You are treading down a very slippery slope! You will also need to know that you will NEVER be number 1. You will ALWAYS be #2 when it comes to his kids. And unfortunately, if his ex has them, he is gonna answer the phone. That is what good dads do! I agree thoough that if he was truly ticked off, he should take it up with her--but it is not your fault. If you want to sleep in undisturbed on Mondays....just stay at your house. Tell your BF to get a cell phone. Or, if he already has one, he should tell his ex-wife to ONLY call him on that one and not bother you with HIS problems. If he doesn't answer HIS phone or it's turned off, too ****ing bad. She should not be calling on your phone. If he doesn't agree, tell him to take the high road. I am always stern with my BF's. Always stern with your BF's. I imagine that with that attitude, they are plentiful
Author candy Posted March 25, 2007 Author Posted March 25, 2007 not dating 5 months,almost 3 years.....
Author candy Posted March 25, 2007 Author Posted March 25, 2007 actually,most of you say my BF doesn't mind hte 7am call--but he really did seem to! cause like i said, he's very afraid when the phone rings early...and then it seems she was nagging him, and he kept sort of pleading to his son, "i want to go, i have to go back to sleep"--so he was LESS than thrilled about the call---my problem is,why couldnt he say so to her? not the kids fault, they don't know better....but she's the one dialing, she should be the one not playing "stunts" as someone wisely called it......i must say, generally she keeps to herself it seems, she has a new life with a new man and a baby. she doesnt seem to care what he does. but listen, those of you who say if i was married to him it would be my business, i feel after almost 3 years it has to be my business. i need to know what i can expect if we're ever married. the time to set boundaries is now, not after a wedding when its to late! i can't count on that. and beleiev me, its fine with me if his kids call or he calls them, when i'm around it doesnt happen too often. and i do compromise so much you have no idea! i could write a novel on how i compromise....but if he can't do this little thing, which is microscopic, that is, tell ANYONE, kids or not, not to call so early, does he have a backbone?? can he say "no" to anyone but me? thats realy the issue here thats bothering me the most.....sigh.....
2sunny Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 honey - listen closely... in a situation like this it will never be about you. it will always be about his kids... so get used to playing second fiddle or leave. as far as a backbone - if he doesn't have one now - he's not likely to ever have one. you have to either accept things the way they are and smile through it all or get out and find someone without these issues.
IpAncA Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 actually,most of you say my BF doesn't mind hte 7am call--but he really did seem to! cause like i said, he's very afraid when the phone rings early...and then it seems she was nagging him, and he kept sort of pleading to his son, "i want to go, i have to go back to sleep"--so he was LESS than thrilled about the call---my problem is,why couldnt he say so to her? not the kids fault, they don't know better....but she's the one dialing, she should be the one not playing "stunts" as someone wisely called it......i must say, generally she keeps to herself it seems, she has a new life with a new man and a baby. she doesnt seem to care what he does. but listen, those of you who say if i was married to him it would be my business, i feel after almost 3 years it has to be my business. i need to know what i can expect if we're ever married. the time to set boundaries is now, not after a wedding when its to late! i can't count on that. and beleiev me, its fine with me if his kids call or he calls them, when i'm around it doesnt happen too often. and i do compromise so much you have no idea! i could write a novel on how i compromise....but if he can't do this little thing, which is microscopic, that is, tell ANYONE, kids or not, not to call so early, does he have a backbone?? can he say "no" to anyone but me? thats realy the issue here thats bothering me the most.....sigh..... Okay I get what your saying. If he has a problem with it then HE needs to say something. Have you asked him why he doesn't and lets her do what she does?
luvtoto Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 i do compromise so much you have no idea! i could write a novel on how i compromise....but if he can't do this little thing, which is microscopic, that is, tell ANYONE, kids or not, not to call so early, does he have a backbone?? can he say "no" to anyone but me? thats realy the issue here thats bothering me the most.....sigh..... Ok. I understand what you are saying. In a nut shell, you are available to him always, he is available to you rarely. I am not saying he's treating you badly. He probably treats you well, when he's with you. When his ex-wife calls, or his kids call, you get cut off. Cut off if his ex or his kids need the slightest thing. I've been in that position before, and that kind of rejection does hurt. Yes, it is rejection from him. It almost feels as if he is still married, and you are just his mistress. You feel as though you are put into this "second-class" status. When I was put into that category, I felt as though he was the best I could get, and I should feel lucky to have him in my life. So, I stayed. My advice is give up the crumbs that are falling to the floor, and take a seat at the dining table. You can't change him if he's unavailable. However, you can change yourself. You deserve someone who is simply crazy about you (for real)! If you need to break it off with him, then do it. Make a new rule for yourself: date only men that are available, and date men who put you into that first-class status. Give up the crumbs.
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 my problem is,why couldnt he say so to her? Then he doesn't have the balls to stand up to his ex-wife. Maybe he's just keeping the peace and letting her have her way so she will be happy. Maybe if she doesn't get her way she'll use the kids against him, or something. Who knows. Try not to let it get to you so much. Until he stands up to her and tells her maybe to wait until 9am or so to call, just deal with it. but if he can't do this little thing, which is microscopic, that is, tell ANYONE, kids or not, not to call so early, does he have a backbone?? can he say "no" to anyone but me? thats realy the issue here thats bothering me the most.....sigh..... Obviously he can't do it, so you're gonna have to deal with it or as someone else suggested, don't sleep over Sunday nights, that way you won't get woken up at 7am. Is it really such a big deal though when you think of it? I mean, is he on the phone for hours? Or is it just because then you can't go back to sleep?
mental_traveller Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 I'd be pretty livid about being woken at 7am by my own mother, let alone the ex of who I was dating at the time. Why not insist he lays down the law?
Author candy Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 some great advice since my last reply, and things to think about! i really DO feel like his mistress sometimes...like if his ex calls, he leaves the room, or once she was coming over to drop somthing off for him and he said let's get out of here before she arrives, like he had to hide me or soemthing! i must say when he's with me its 99% of the time about me, or us. doesn't trun to his kids every minute, doesn't make me feel like he'd ratehr be with them than me..... as for the ex, you are right, it does seem like he's just trying to keep the peace with her, by not saying anything to her. so when i say something like tell her how you feel, or in this case, not to call so early, she says his patented "don't worry about it"---now, i coudl ignore it now till maybe we're married. but then how do i know it'll change, and if not i'm stuck married to him! that's why i push so hard now for him to do or say something when he's unhappy. otherwise ya just wind up with high blood pressure! and if i hold out for someone who's "available", how do i know that the next time won't be the same? must i dismiss all men who have children? cause i have to think that some of them are better than this BF at managing ther kids and their new girlfriends. it's all so complicated!
littlekitty Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 You have to remember he may be afraid if he says something to ex that she might cause issues with him seeing his children. Believe me, these situations are complicated - always!! But some men are better than others at dealing with the new gf/ex bm situation. My H2B was good at this. It took a while, but he eventually stood up to her, rather than have her dictate his whole life going forward. However it's taken nearly two years for things to settle down with her, and for her to 'sort of' accept my role in his and their sons life. She is now getting better, and realises that I have a place in her sons life. Initially my H2B left the room when he took her calls. He did it because he thought I would prefer it. In fact it made me suspicious and worried. I told him this, and he then started taking all her calls in front of me. Now, it doesn't matter either way to me. As long as I'm in the loop of what's going on. It's takes time and work to build trust and ways that work for both of you. If you are in this for the long haul, then I do agree that you can't just leave all of this until you're married, because you're right, it won't just all change then!! But it's also learning to pick your battles and what are acceptable levels to get involved to. I'd recommend a book to you: The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming a Stepmother with Humor and Grace by Sally Bjornsen. Good book, and very helpful. Communication is key to all this. He does need to know how you feel. But you also need to judge carefully which battles to pick!! I think his standard 'don't worry about it' response is a little worrying. Is he open to communication about these issues at all?
bridget_jones Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 Candy, Has he discussed marriage with you at all? I think that is the real underlying issue here. I mean, you've been his "girlfriend" for 3 years, you're in your 30's, and he hasn't proposed yet or married you yet? He's not going to commit to you in that way, so you are going to have to either a. accept that and things as they are or b. find a guy who values you and loves you enough to marry you and make you a real part of his life.
Clover Posted March 28, 2007 Posted March 28, 2007 I remember feeling some things that you have mentioned dating men with children. It works for some but not for others. I agree it is a really complicated situation! There are more then just the two of you involved. What you are describing, it is still going to be that way after you are both married, nothing will change. Your boyfriend's ex wife and kids will be in the picture, for the rest of your life if you marry/stay with him. You don't need to be in that situation if you don't feel that it is right for you. If you are willing to stay with him as littlekitty said communication is the key to make things work.
Author candy Posted March 28, 2007 Author Posted March 28, 2007 well, we have discussed being engaged. i am actually not in that big a rush to get married, as i have an older parent at home who needs my help, i like my independence, not to mention the issues with the BF, things even as simple as his snoring , and his dog (i'm allergic). but i wouldnt' mind being engaged as thats a step towards commitment in the right direction; it would also give me a leg to stand up on in discussing things such as concerns with the ex.....i don't want to be the tye of GF to give ultimatatums or make him feel pressured--it should be his idea. however, if the tiem comes in the future where I don't think we're progressing enuf, then a disucssion might have to take place. but i like to take things one day at a time. ( he has also mentioned not having the money right now for a ring, which may be partly true, tho that doesnt stop him from splurging on the kids, 6000 dollar summer camp, etc.) i think i woudl like it if he talked to the ex in front of me, as i do think he is also leaving the room thinking i would prefer it. hs ex has been mostly understanding as far as not calling too often, at least not when i'm there tho she doesnt know i'm there, also about switching his weekends with the kids if something comes up for us. i just always feel she's keepign a little list of these things to try to get more money out of him or something at a later date. who knows what goes thru her mind....or really cares!
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