candy Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Stayed over the BF house sunday night..we both don't work mondays, so 7am his phone rings, ex-wife callimng about some nonsense (think she wanted more money, as if he doesnt pay enuf already in child support) he said it's early, i was sleeping, she doesnt care and puts the kids on, he tells them i'm tired, i'll call you later--this never happened before, and i want to make sure it neevr does again!! the BF said don't worry about it, but if we have a fututre together this can't happen again....i could see if its an emergency......she's either stupid , not thinking of the time, or selfish and petty trying to wake him--not sure which is worse!! any advcie??
stockmos Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Stayed over the BF house sunday night..we both don't work mondays, so 7am his phone rings, ex-wife callimng about some nonsense (think she wanted more money, as if he doesnt pay enuf already in child support) he said it's early, i was sleeping, she doesnt care and puts the kids on, he tells them i'm tired, i'll call you later--this never happened before, and i want to make sure it neevr does again!! the BF said don't worry about it, but if we have a fututre together this can't happen again....i could see if its an emergency......she's either stupid , not thinking of the time, or selfish and petty trying to wake him--not sure which is worse!! any advcie?? Well, I think quite simply your BF should tell his ex-wife not to call at 7am. Tell her that Monday is his day off and also that 7am is way too early to call anyone on any day. Of course, if you absolutely don't want to be disturbed, an option is to simply turn the phone off until you wish to receive calls. I don't think there is anything morally wrong about turning your phone off, any more than it would be morally wrong not to have a phone at all.
Art_Critic Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Or maybe the kids just wanted to talk with their Dad.. Lighten up some.. If he doesn't have a problem with it then why do you ? If you are going to have a future with him you are going to have to learn and realize that he is a father and has kids..
Art_Critic Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 (think she wanted more money, as if he doesnt pay enuf already in child support) Interesting.. I'll bet if you had his kid and you both were no longer together that Child Support would be what helps the kids live.. Child Support is the the support of the children.. it doesn't go into the mothers pockets.. Have you ever tried to raise a child ? it is pretty expensive and normally the Mother of the kids is the one that has to pay the most for the child rearing..
2sunny Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 if you don't intend to share a man with his prior and primary family - then you should only be dating men that don't have any kids... your attitude seems a bit selfish and self centered... most men wouldn't stay with someone that was making such demands...
Motor35 Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I am with AC! Maybe the kids wanted to talk to dad. Relax. Get use to early morning/late night calls if your BF has kids. He could get a call at 3am to meet his EX and the kids at the ER. Who knows? What if that call was from the school and his kid broke their hand and he had to take the kid to the doc.... Seriously, lighten up. It is hard (and expensive) to raise kids! If you have a problem with calls from the EX, perhaps you should rethink your relationship. Your BF is tied to his EX for life.
VirtualInsanity Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Stayed over the BF house sunday night..we both don't work mondays, so 7am his phone rings, ex-wife callimng about some nonsense (think she wanted more money, as if he doesnt pay enuf already in child support) he said it's early, i was sleeping, she doesnt care and puts the kids on, he tells them i'm tired, i'll call you later--this never happened before, and i want to make sure it neevr does again!! the BF said don't worry about it, but if we have a fututre together this can't happen again....i could see if its an emergency......she's either stupid , not thinking of the time, or selfish and petty trying to wake him--not sure which is worse!! any advcie?? Well Candy you didn't say why she called that early. So, tell us why this can't happen again? Would it of made a difference if you were up or do you not like her calling at all in the mornings. What if someone else besides her called? Would that be okay? Regardless of not working, if you or him don't want to be distrubed, then turn phone off or put it on silent. If it's important they will leave a message or call back. It's pretty simple. Sounds like your not fond of this ex-wife being in the picture.
LakesideDream Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Actually, with all the modern options, including caller ID, I do think it is "wrong" to turn off your phone if you have minor children. Who knows what problems could arise. It is not wrong to say in a non emergancy situation, "sorry you called so early, I'll call you later".
Author candy Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 first, i don't think he shoudl turn off the phone, because with the kids it coudl be an emergency--in that case 7 am is fine! but it wasn't.i don't know exactly what she called about, i'm not that nosy, but he really seemed to want to go back to sleep, i twasn't only me who thouhgt it was too early, but HE is the only one who can say anything to her. theres plenty of other times in the day for the kids to talk! its like, oh the kids want to say hi to their dad, we can't sayno to them, call whenever you want, 7am, 3am...i mean, don't we say no to kids ever?? as for the child support, i understand it, but what he gives is way over the top from what i;ve heard from other single moms i know. plus, this ex wife has a new baby with her live in boyfriend, so i'm sure his money is going to diapers and baby food! but at this point that his problem....i also know he has a special fear of early morning calls cause when his uncle died he got the call early and has a fear of the phone ringing then. and she must know that, i thappneed when they were married. in my eyes, its pure selfishness on her part....sorry no one will change my mind on that one:rolleyes:
2sunny Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 do this guy a favor and break up with him. your attitude about his money, ex-wife and kids is too angry and bitter. then you can date a man with no ex and no kids. everyone will be better off.
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 theres plenty of other times in the day for the kids to talk! its like, oh the kids want to say hi to their dad, we can't sayno to them, call whenever you want, 7am, 3am...i mean, don't we say no to kids ever?? No. His children should be able to call him ANYTIME they want. If it's 2am after one kid has had a nightmare and they want to hear their dad's voice, they should know they can call anytime! This is your issue. His kids come first -Accept that. His ex-wife is always going to be in the picture abit, forever...Accept that. And, the better they get along, the better it is for their children. As for the money issue?? NONE of your business. You are jealous, that is for sure...But if you want this relationship to work, start being more positive and stop feeling threatened by his ex and their children! INCLUDE his kids, get to know them...Spend time with them. If you can't handle that, then get out now because his kids needs will always come first, before your needs. Sorry, but that is how it is when you date someone who has children.
Motor35 Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 as for the child support, i understand it, but what he gives is way over the top from what i;ve heard from other single moms i know. Child support settlements are adjusted according to the non-custodial parent's salary. He might be paying more, but it is because of his salary. Why are you so concerned with what he pays for CS? Why do you care what the ex is doing with the money? What is the difference if she takes $20 from her CS to buy diapers, then when she gets paid, takes $40 from her pay and buys his kids shoes? What difference does it make? You sound very unhappy and annoyed. Your BF is tied to his ex for life.
MotherGooze Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I am a single mother and if I had a boyfriend who reacted just like you did candy (yeah you're female), I would kick you out in no time. I think you are very selfish. When my son is with his dad, I'm so happy to be able to hear him. Even if it's early morning I don't care. Are these young children? What would happen if they were home on monday morning and get in to your bedroom and start driving their little toycars over your head? I remember my son did that a couple of times. I loved it. Normally I'm moody in the mornings but not when he is around! I really think you're selfish. Why don't you try and bound with the children and be more positive.
bridget_jones Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Honestly, it's not your place to be upset that she called that early in the morning. It's your boyfriend's phone and his ex. He stated "Don't worry about it." It's really not that big of a deal in the whole scheme of things, and frankly it's not your place to say or do anything about it. The worst thing you can do is get involved, and your bf doesn't want you to, YOU not HIM are the one worked up about the 7 a.m. phone call. Keep your nose out of it, don't mention it unless your boyfriend brings it up and wants to talk to you about it.
IpAncA Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 :rolleyes: <---Congrats! You earned a double roll on that one. Say your jealous and move on. If you can't handle it then find someone else who doesn't have children.
climbergirl Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 #1. It's in your best interest to not ever get between a parent and his/her kids. If they want to talk to him at 7 am, I don't see what the problem is. And you shouldn't either. #2. Be careful about being too jealous/making assumptions about normal ex spouse relations. If she's calling at 3:00 am to discuss her problems, or being overly dependent on your bf--then I can see having a problem. But the 7 am gig to talk to the kids seems to be blown way out of proportion. #3. Regarding child support; you have to keep this in mind...She doesn't get to throw out a number knowing it will stick. Either the court or he had to put a stamp of approval on amount given to her. Stay out of it. You aren't married to him. Let him deal with it.
bridget_jones Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Candy, You are what, in your 30s and been seeing this guy for 3 years....have you talked about being engaged? Because you are talking like you have a part of the decision process and you have say in stuff in this guy's family life and how he deals with his ex-wife. (Even if you do marry him, you still have to stay out of the way he parents and interacts with his ex.) Are you sure you have a future with this man because at your age, I wouldn't stay with a guy for 3 years without being married by this point, or at least engaged. You seem to resent his kids, do you even want to be with this man longterm? Some things to think about. I don't think he is really that committed to you, and I believe that he has some issues with your attitude and not really warming up to his kids.
Author candy Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 so there are supposed to be no boundaries? if his kids call him on a thursday evening and say i miss you and want to see you he's supposed to ride the hour to their house? if his ex-wife (divorce her idea) feels like calling him at 7am to nag him for soemthing or another he's supposed to be ok with it, even if he;s not but afraid for some reason to tell her? i'm sorry, i don';t buy that. he spends plenty of time with his kids, thats fine, they call whevenr they want, that's fine, too--but you guys act like i'm an evil shrew cause i don't think his ex-wife using "divorced dads" guilt is ok--and his money is my business if we wind up married , I think i should know where it goes, same as my money to him. i don't know why its like i must break up with him---theres no room for compromise? everything is supposed to be his way or the highway? give me a break..any non-bitter divorced women out there with an opinion who can think clearly?
Art_Critic Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I think because your BF doesn't have a problem with it is why there seems to be a disconnect between you and him. If you had posted that your BF had a problem with it too then most likely the advice given might have been different. They are his kids.. he sets the boundary's with them and his ex.. not you.. The day you marry him then you should have more input of their life. I don't think you are an evil shrew.. just someone who sounds a tad bit self absorbed and young.. and even though that sounds bad I don't really think it is all bad being those things..we grow from life's experiences. We all have to learn somehow.. right ?
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 so there are supposed to be no boundaries? if his kids call him on a thursday evening and say i miss you and want to see you he's supposed to ride the hour to their house? if his ex-wife (divorce her idea) feels like calling him at 7am to nag him for soemthing or another he's supposed to be ok with it, even if he;s not but afraid for some reason to tell her? i'm sorry, i don';t buy that. he spends plenty of time with his kids, thats fine, they call whevenr they want, that's fine, too--but you guys act like i'm an evil shrew cause i don't think his ex-wife using "divorced dads" guilt is ok--and his money is my business if we wind up married , I think i should know where it goes, same as my money to him. i don't know why its like i must break up with him---theres no room for compromise? everything is supposed to be his way or the highway? give me a break..any non-bitter divorced women out there with an opinion who can think clearly? Yes, but you don't get a say in what he does with that money when it comes to his kids or dealing with his ex-wife. Compromise? It seems as long as HE does all compromising, not you. NOT once have you said anything positive about his children. If you were to marry him, his kids will be your stepchildren and you will be a stepmom. Get over it already. Sorry but it really seems you're jealous and resentful that his kids call him alot when they're not with him.
Motor35 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 --and his money is my business if we wind up married , I think i should know where it goes, same as my money to him. If you do get married, his CS payments will remain the same. And you are getting into this relationship knowing he is a father that is paying CS. I honestly don't think it is your business what his terms of agreement are between his ex and him regarding CS. You do understand he will be paying CS until the kids turn 18, right? You sound so annoyed with this whole situation and you aren't married yet. Perhaps you can rethink your relationship with your BF, his ex and the kids. It doesn't sound like you are very willing to work through this and accept the kids, nor the ex.
climbergirl Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 so there are supposed to be no boundaries? if his kids call him on a thursday evening and say i miss you and want to see you he's supposed to ride the hour to their house? if his ex-wife (divorce her idea) feels like calling him at 7am to nag him for soemthing or another he's supposed to be ok with it, even if he;s not but afraid for some reason to tell her? i'm sorry, i don';t buy that. he spends plenty of time with his kids, thats fine, they call whevenr they want, that's fine, too--but you guys act like i'm an evil shrew cause i don't think his ex-wife using "divorced dads" guilt is ok--and his money is my business if we wind up married , I think i should know where it goes, same as my money to him. i don't know why its like i must break up with him---theres no room for compromise? everything is supposed to be his way or the highway? give me a break..any non-bitter divorced women out there with an opinion who can think clearly? Wow. You two aren't even living together, let alone married. I hope he knows what he's getting into, because this animosity won't be good for anyone.
2sunny Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 any non-bitter divorced women out there with an opinion who can think clearly? that would be me... i have been the step mom and had to be more than understanding when i wanted to step in. i had to constantly remind myself to back off - stay quiet - and butt out... because it really was none of my business and it wasn't my place to speak up. my speaking up would not have changed the way that they parented. it will only make your bf resent you and defend the other side. i did marry the father of said child. we are now divorced (after 23 years). because i played the role properly - my stepson still calls me more than his father and sees me alot when he is here from another state. stay out of it and you will be doing yourself a favor.
littlekitty Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 so there are supposed to be no boundaries? if his kids call him on a thursday evening and say i miss you and want to see you he's supposed to ride the hour to their house? There should be boundries Candy, but they are his to set, not yours. And yes, if he is free and wants to make that journey. Yes they can do that! any non-bitter divorced women out there with an opinion who can think clearly? *holds hand up* I'm a step-mum - nearly anyway. My Fiance and I marry in October this year. We live together now and have my SS every weekend. Firstly, the phone calls can tug at the old heart strings at times. But the children have the right to call anytime they want. My nearly 3 year old SS knows how to pick up the phone and press the button to call Daddy. And he has every single right to do that any time, day or night. If your bf was unhappy with the 7am call, that would be one thing. It would then be his place to put that boundry in place. But if he hasn't - regardless of why - then that is his choice. And his alone. With NCP Daddy's there's always a chance they will parent through guilt. You either have to accept that and deal with it, or walk away. Believe me, it isn't always easy. I have to count to 10 at times, but it isn't my choice to make about how he parents. We do discuss this at times, and he is aware of my opinions - because we discuss how we would parent our own children - but he is allowed to parent his child how he wishes. (Provided they stick to some certain house rules around manners etc!) As for the CS, it really isn't your business - sorry. I know how much my DF pays because we live together, budget together and are becoming man and wife. And yes, if you decide to marry you should also know how much he pays (seems you already do), but it isn't your business to know how she spends that money!! I bulk at some of the things my DF's ex does! Can't afford to buy new clothes/shoes for SS, but then buys her daughter a pony!! But what can we do?! DF will always pay what he feels is the correct amount of CS. That makes him an honourable and respectable Daddy. He is paying his part towards the childs life. It isn't down to him or me exactly how she uses that, we just do what we can and let the rest slide off our backs. Believe me, going forward there are going to a million, billion things like this that get your goat. Step-family are not for weak at mind or heart!! It's a tough position to be in, but can be very rewarding too. I can understand how you feel to a point. But get used to it is all I can say, because if you hang around, there'll be plenty more like this just around the corner!!
bridget_jones Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I'm not divorced. You're the one who's bitter. It sounds like you need to find a guy without kids. I'm sorry I hit a nerve with the marriage thing.... I was in a relationship with a divorced man with 2 teenage kids and I knew that I was the gf. I was important to him, but it would never occur to me to meddle. It sounds like you're the one with the problem with his ex calling and what not and if he wants to go drive to see his kids on a Thurs. night, he wants to do that, and you have to deal. Go ahead and have a big discussion about how you feel about his ex wife calling! Tell him you think he pays too much for child support and he needs to get a lawyer and try to lower his payments and see how that little discussion goes over with him. Stressing the money thing....IF we get married....are you engaged? so there are supposed to be no boundaries? if his kids call him on a thursday evening and say i miss you and want to see you he's supposed to ride the hour to their house? if his ex-wife (divorce her idea) feels like calling him at 7am to nag him for soemthing or another he's supposed to be ok with it, even if he;s not but afraid for some reason to tell her? i'm sorry, i don';t buy that. he spends plenty of time with his kids, thats fine, they call whevenr they want, that's fine, too--but you guys act like i'm an evil shrew cause i don't think his ex-wife using "divorced dads" guilt is ok--and his money is my business if we wind up married , I think i should know where it goes, same as my money to him. i don't know why its like i must break up with him---theres no room for compromise? everything is supposed to be his way or the highway? give me a break..any non-bitter divorced women out there with an opinion who can think clearly?
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