memories Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I've been a lurker for a little while now. I found this website hoping to find answers to the situation I've gotten myself into. I'll try to give as much info and be brief. I've been married for 9 years with husband for 13 years. We have 2 children. We were engaged, found out we were expecting and got married. We were engaged for about 2 years slowly dragging our feet to make wedding plans. This is not an excuse just a fact, I was young and inexperienced. He was older and experienced. Looking back, I think I was with him for the wrong reasons and had high hopes I could make it work, even though in the back of my head it never felt like it would last. He adores me. I am perfect to him. (I know this is not true, but he holds everything in and instead of working with me on things he just lets them be and leaves me to tend to whatever it is , so I feel as though I have no room to grow and make the relationship stronger.) Communication in our relationship has always been pretty bad. He doesn't acknowledge what I say or how I'm feeling. Throughout the years, I've gone from telling him everything to barely sharing anything with him. I was trying to find a point where I could hold his interest, but I've yet to find that. We seem to be on two opposite ends at most times. Our ideas and ways of life seem to differ on most issues. He brushes things off as his way of dealing with issues. Our sex life is something that has suffered for many years. It just isn't there, hasn't been and he is more into satisfying himself than me. There really hasn't been alot of passion/intimacy/love when it comes to sex between us. We are not friends, we don't laugh together (he doesn't really laugh unless he's farting) we don't share "special" memories together. We don't have inside jokes, etc. There's nothing deep and substanial there. He is a good father and our children adore him and this is the part that is so hard for me. We move out of state and about 5 months ago, came back to visit our friends (we are all married). One night we all went out had a couple drinks and just hung out. Everyone went home except my friends husband and myself. We ended up together. I've never done this before and neither had he. The next day we all hung out again and it was extremely awkward knowing what had happened the night before. My family and I drove back home and the week started as normal. I received a call from friends husband wanting to discuss what had happened, so we talked. I've always thought he was good looking and a nice guy - there were moments (before this all happened) that I would find myself watching him, him looking at me, us standing close to one another, carrying on a conversation just he and I. We've always gotten along very well and I'd feel weird little things around him. I never took those to be feelings for him b/c never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I'd have an affair. We've continued our affair since that night. We share intense feelings and respect for one another. We have a wonderful friendship and intimacey that is just wonderful. Initially I thought this would just be a fling and it would end as we were hours away from one another, but it hasn't. We've only grown closer to one another. He always makes a point to come see me or we fly to other cities so that we don't have to "hide". He loves me and wants to be with me. We are soulmates and want to make this work w/o destroying everyone around us. He loves my children (as I do his). He talks of making a life with me and this is something that we've discussed and would like to move forward with. We were caught "connecting & kissing" about 3 months ago. Both of our spouses asked us to end contact and I lost my friend (his wife). We have continued to see one another and keep in contact and we find ourselves getting in deeper with one another. Again our spouses just recently found out we met up in another city. I've been given an ultimatum by my H. I have to either end contact with the man that I truly love and want to share my life with or leave my husband and break up our family and my comfort zone. He has been asked by his wife what he wants and he tells her he's worried about the children. She has told him she will make the divorce as amicable as she can but he needs to decide. He doesn't want her. We all know this. We are both scared, we would be staying for the kids and we both know at some point children go off to make a life of their own and you are there with your spouse again. We are both living a double life filled with lies and deceit and we want it to end. I'm torn what to do. Follow my heart and be with the man that I truly love and love sharing experiences with. Follow my head and keep my children with their father and put on a happy face each and everyday. There's so much more I could say, but I think I've written a book right about now.
lorr Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Its clearly obvious that you weren't happy within your marriage. But that doesn't mean you should have carried on an affair with your friends husband.At the end of the day its always the affair that is appealing, rather than the person. Even if you did leave your marriage to go to the OM, there would always be a high level of mistrust, as the both of you know first hand, of the lying and cheating that brought you both together in the first place. If you whole-heartedly want to save your marriage then you need to start opening the lines of communication with your husband by being open and honest and telling him what the specific point was that led to the affair. If you want out of the marriage then you need to lay your cards on the table and tell him that you want a divorce. I know theres children involved but they would rather see their parents happy and apart from each other, then stuck in a loveless marriage.
silktricks Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 First, to be totally honest, I don't like what you have done. You've been using your husband for security while loving another man, and that is a really rotten thing to do. It doesn't sound like you love your husband, nor does it sound like you expect that you can have a loving relationship with him, at least not the kind of relationship that you want. If that is the case, then leave him. Let him go on with his life while you go on with yours. However, leave him for YOU, not for another man. The other man in your life may or may not leave his wife. If he leaves, that also should be for him, not for you. If the two of you end up together that may be a good thing for both of you, but it may not. All of your children, yours and his, will always know how you two got together. Depending how that is handled by all concerned, they may be able to get past it, but possibly not. Some people can bear the loss of all for the love of their life. Many cannot. But what's done is done and no matter what you do in the future, you will need to handle what you have done in the past. You can't go back and undo your past actions, but you can better handle your future choices. You need to really decide what you want, life with your husband or life without him.
justanothermother Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 We are soulmates and want to make this work w/o destroying everyone around us. Please don't delude yourselves with the whole soulmates crap. Seriously, it seems like every time someone connects with someone on a deep level during an affair they play the soulmates card. Don't over romanticize your relationship with this guy in order to try and justify this behavior to yourselves. Yeah the two of you are compatable but I'm sure you would be with a lot of other men out there too. I was on the other end of this situation. I had a friend stab me in the back and have an affair with my children's father while I was pregnant. She was texting him to leave me while I was in the hospital after a very difficult birth with serious complications. Yet after DDAY she still wanted to be friends... what a joke. I guess she, like yourself doesn't understand that you didn't lose a friend. You weren't really her friend to begin with if you would treat her so horribly. Leave your husband if he makes you unhappy but do it for yourself not someone else because at the end of the day, you don't know for certain if he'll stay. He might even move out but then move back home with his wife. Happens all the time. IMO, men tend to like the security of routine and change comes hard for them. Learn to stand on your own.
mrmaximum Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 What you are talking about is having your cake and eating it too. This isn't fair to anyone involved especially your children. I agree with justanothermother, what you are feeling right now is the novelty of a new relationship, this fades in time, it always does. As for the relationship. you can't have it both ways, you need to pick a side of the street to be on and stop criss-crossing it at will. This is how people get run over and you have had two near misses so far....so far. At this point it may be better for you to leave your H and get on with this new man and his kids. It will be a hard road but that is what happens with infidelity, your kids will want to know why you and Daddy spilt up and then when they find out the truth, you will have a lot of explaining to do. Make a choice for your kids sake, either this man or your husband, but not both, you may indeed lose everything if you continue this present course of action. I do wish you luck in this new endeavor but you do have to understand one thing; wanting is always better than having, is the pain that the people that love you experiecning worth it?
jmargel Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 IMO any relationship that starts off with strife, taintiness or stress won't last. The novelty will wear off and you will end up with no one.
4whatItsWorth Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 IMO any relationship that starts off with strife, taintiness or stress won't last. The novelty will wear off and you will end up with no one. I agree on that one. If he is alright with cheating on his wife - what makes you think he will not cheat on you? Obviously, if his wife took him back once he must have been lying to her or telling her similar things he is telling you. If you leave, you should leave because you do not want to stay married. You cannot have your cake and eat it. The other man might never leave his wife, or if he does, it is not sure he will not decide to try and get back together with her lately. Do you even know for sure it is true they have spoken of divorce? He could just be stalling you while being "happy husband" with her. You cannot trust the words of a man who's lying and cheating on anybody.
jmargel Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Here's a personal story of mine that might wake you up.. My aunt who was married for 30 years, had a daughter and lived the so called 'good life'. Had a husband that was her best friend, took the greatest care of her and 2 years ago lived their dream of going to Ireland together. However about a year ago, while coming home from the grocery store, as he was helping put them away he had a heart attack and died right in front of her. She was beyond grief, she lost her best friend, husband of 30 years. All she had left was memories. She started the grieving process when she came upon a small safe that she didn't know anything about hidden away. After a locksmith came and opened it, she was floored beyond words on what she saw.. It was pictures of him and another woman in various poses. Along with all these photos was divorce papers signed by him that his wife never knew about. From what she can get from all of this (they lived in NJ) that all the times he went to see his brother in NYC he was actually seeing his mistress. That his mistress was getting upset that he didn't leave his wife yet, so he got the divorce papers, showed his mistress saying (my wife wont sign them) so he could buy time. He never took those papers to the courthouse, since his wife would have known then. Now she is without answers. She can't locate this woman and of course he can't answer any of her questions. Now she is stuck wondering if he really ever loved her and what was real and what was a lie. She does not know how long this has been going on and 30 years of her life with her 'best friend' and the 'love of her life' is now a sham. Please don't do this to your husband. What you are doing is creating a world of hurt and to end up in a situation like my aunt has is beyond torture. Really, really think about what you are doing and how much of a huge impact this has on so many people. Don't trust this OM, he owes you nothing. He has no loyalty to you just like my aunt's husband had no loyalty to his wife or his mistress.
Author memories Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 Its clearly obvious that you weren't happy within your marriage. But that doesn't mean you should have carried on an affair with your friends husband.At the end of the day its always the affair that is appealing, rather than the person. Even if you did leave your marriage to go to the OM, there would always be a high level of mistrust, as the both of you know first hand, of the lying and cheating that brought you both together in the first place. If you whole-heartedly want to save your marriage then you need to start opening the lines of communication with your husband by being open and honest and telling him what the specific point was that led to the affair. If you want out of the marriage then you need to lay your cards on the table and tell him that you want a divorce. I know theres children involved but they would rather see their parents happy and apart from each other, then stuck in a loveless marriage. You are correct that I am not happy in my marriage. I haven't been in such a long time. I don't know if my marriage is even worth trying for anymore. I feel I've tried everything I possibly can do and things don't change. It has affected our children already. I don't know how to grow stronger or closer to my husband. (Certainly not by having an affair) I honestly don't think that I wouldn't trust OM. This is killing him (and myself). We talk about our feelings and what the lying and cheating has done to us and how we've affected the ones around us. We do love one another, for me it's just the uncertainty of what may be. I know how my life is here where I am.
Author memories Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 I dont' know how to quote several individual posts in my one post. silktriks: I can not agree more with your post. You are correct (and wise - or know me personally:rolleyes: ) Justanother: You are correct, we may be deluding ourselves. I do however feel extremely close with him. We are almost always on the same page and it does feel very nice. We have shared interests and we also enjoy learning new things from one another. Jmargel: that is horrible about your aunt. I'm sure she must be beside herself. I don't agree with affairs - I can't stand the fact I've done this, I don't know what I want and I'm trying to figure it all out.
2sunny Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 then do things in the proper order and divorce your husband. then you can do whatever you want. you also owe it to him to allow him to be loved by someone that will regard him in the fashion that he deserves. not someone who says she loves him and then stabs him in the back. not once did you really acknowledge how hurt your husband must feel. it is not all about you - but two complete families that are being affected by this cover up.
lorr Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 You are correct that I am not happy in my marriage. I haven't been in such a long time. I don't know if my marriage is even worth trying for anymore. I feel I've tried everything I possibly can do and things don't change. It has affected our children already. I don't know how to grow stronger or closer to my husband. (Certainly not by having an affair) I honestly don't think that I wouldn't trust OM. This is killing him (and myself). We talk about our feelings and what the lying and cheating has done to us and how we've affected the ones around us. We do love one another, for me it's just the uncertainty of what may be. I know how my life is here where I am. If you really want to be with this man, and you believe that deep down its going to work out, then both of you have to do things the right way. First of all the both of you need to divorce your partners, and start the relationship from scratch by taking things extremely slow.At the same time you need to keep an objective eye and to proceed with caution, as the most important person that you need to take care of right now- is yourself. Maybe the both of you could agree on setting a time limit, so that there would be no obligation on both your parts if things do not work out.
Mustang Sally Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I think it's time to put on your big-girl panties and do the right thing. Get out of your M. Not fair to your H to stay with the feelings you're having and what you've done. Yeah, it may be scary, but you've allowed another R to muddle up your situation with your H and now you need to cut bait, in my opinion.
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