Tired of the 'religion' talk in our relationship!

[kanga09]

I have been dating my SO on and off for 9 months now. He comes from a very traditional and religious family. We have discussed getting married and the furture in 'light' conversations. He asked if I would convert for him as he has to marry a woman of the same religion. I said, well I love you and want to be with you, and I do not see why religion has to keep us apart. So, I said yes, I would convert. But, I never agreed to practice the religion because, I never really thought that far ahead.

 

Yesterday we were discussing his religion and I talked about a few things I disagreed with. He claims that I was being rude and insensitive towards his religion and his feelings and therefore argues I do not really want to convert. So, to him he is thinking what is the point of dating for a few years and having to break up in the end.

 

For me, I feel that it is too early to talk about religion because we have been dating (what I think) is a short time. And, I just want to enjoy the time we spend together. I think that if it comes to a point where we are ready to commit to marriage I will convert, but at this time I cannot say whether or not I will believe or practice.

 

My question is: Should we still continue to date without me 100% stating I believe in the religion and want to follow it?

 

Is it wrong for me to want to date for awhile to see if we are marriage material and then consider the converting aspect??

 

I have talked to him about my feelings and he doesn't really give me complete answers as to what he expects from his future wife (in terms of religion) and what he expects of me?

 

Can you please advise what questions I should ask him, and how I should discuss this matter with him.

 

Thanks.

[sb129]

What religion is it?

How strongly do you disagree with the points you mentioned?

How easy would it be to convert?

 

Your SO is a bit of a hypocrite- if he only wants to marry a girl of his religion, why is he dating and discussing marriage with someone that isn't?

 

He can't expect you to just convert no questions asked.

You have a right to your own opinions and beliefs too, and he should respect that. By criticising you for having different opinions to him, he is showing you disrespect.

 

I would be seriously evaluating the long term prognosis here right now if I were you. 9months isn't that long, you are right, but if your SO is thinking about marriage, and wants you to convert etc, you need to seriously think about whether that is going to be OK for you in the long term.

What about kids etc etc ie, how will the religion affect them if you have them?

 

Personally, I would be very wary of changing my beliefs for someone else, but then I really disagree with organised religion, so it is unlikely that I would end up dating someone who was very religious anyway. (I totally respect that other people believe in religion, and that is their choice, but for me personally there are too many holes in the arguments for it to be part of my life.)

 

If you love him, this could be a tough one for you.

If converting is something that you are prepared to do to be with him, then by all means look into it, butmaybe do it independently soyou can make up your own mind without your BF trying to sway you.

Might be a good idea to agree not to talk about it till you have looked into things futher and had a good think about it yourself.

[Dadaal]

That must be very complicated for you . I can really understand your feelings as I went through the same experience once. I could not continue the relationship because not us ( who are in love) but there will be children who wil be in between different religions. If you are ready to convert that will no longer be a problem. But think twice.

[Moose]

First off, converting to a religious denomination isn't something to take likely, or is it something that is done to appease mere man.

 

This is a decision that should be between you and God only. Period.

 

If your boyfriend is an ounce as religious as he's saying he is, he would understand that.

[taiko]

First off, converting to a religious denomination isn't something to take likely, or is it something that is done to appease mere man.

 

This is a decision that should be between you and God only. Period.

 

If your boyfriend is an ounce as religious as he's saying he is, he would understand that.

Like most of us he is struggling with his faith. He has been taught not to get into an unequally yoked relationship. If his denomination is one of those that beieves it is "the one true" then it is even tougher.

 

I often say that if you want to follow that path you must accept that the only people available to you are those you see in your church service. Any conversion forced with the penalty withdrawing love is not a true conversion anyway.

[quankanne]

Should we still continue to date without me 100% stating I believe in the religion and want to follow it? Is it wrong for me to want to date for awhile to see if we are marriage material and then consider the convertion aspect??

 

if you're already discussing marriage past the "do you think marriage is part of your future" with this boy, then no, it's not to early to be discussing marriage if it's understood this is where your relationship is headed. You shouldn't be offering to convert if your heart is not in it, i.e., you shouldn't be makiing him promises that you'll do it when you're not actually going to uphold the spirit of that promise. It'd be much easier for him to accept that you will remain ____ while he practices his religion, than it is to promise something you're not willing to give wholeheartedly. Out of fairness, though, your honey shouldn't be pressuring you to follow his faith because if he's a believer, he hopefully understands that this is a very personal decision you come to on your own.

 

maybe your thought of letting your relationship develop on a natural course is the best route, with the understanding that you are not interested in being pressured to convert or to marry ...

[StayClose]

I don't understand agreed to convert at a future date.

 

The choice of religion is not like the choice of what supermarket to shop at. The choice of religion is your personal belief of which group (if any) had the correct answers to the nature of humankind's spiritality and the reasons we're all here. Either a particular set of Answers rings true for you, or it doesn't. You can't just say "I'm a Mormon this month and next month I'll be a Muslim."

 

If marrying someone of the same religion is an absolute requirement for him, then attend a few church serives with him. If if doesn't ring true for you, then he can be no more than the guy you're dating right now.

[kanga09]

Thanks for all your comments...

 

He is Catholic. I agreed to consider converting, that i'm 100% for it. More that I would make the effort.

 

I agree that religion is between you and god...I have again discussed this with him.

 

We have agreed to focus on the relationship at this point and not to discuss marriage and religion at a later stage in the relationship.

 

sb129: I mentioned that he was a hypocrite for dating someone who is not the same religion as him...he stated that he really liked me and wanted to see where it would lead? I guess his feelings for me are strong so he is questioning if I will take the next step with him?

 

I guess the most important thing to him is that I accept the traditions around the religion as opposed to actually believing and praying.

 

I agreed that if our relationship comes to that stage I will go to church with him, and learn about the religion in a greater depth. But, I agree with StayClose, I can't automatically believe in the flip of a switch.

 

I do believe in god and the idea that there is a higher power, but to me one religion isn't right or wrong, they all are 'facts of the same truth'.

[burning 4 revenge]

Thanks for all your comments...

 

He is Catholic.

?

 

I didn't think most Catholics even believed in God anymore.

[Wantingtogetitright]

if he is a totally devout catholic then I sguuest you go do your own research on what catholicism is and involes and the gudelines/rules etc that they live by. Make your own set of questions based on anything you have issues with. As for his input on that and if it is not soemthing you feel you can live with for the rest of your life and mist importantly hold the same beliefs in then you should not continue this relationship.

 

But if he is not as devout as some then youneed to find the core beliefs and etc and find if you are compatible on that level. You think you love him now and will hurt if you decide to end the relationship but how hurt and devastating will it be if you decide to give up your own beliefs to fit with his and then find it is not a life you are happy in and you end a marriage down the track. My money is on the former is the better option.

 

As I said, do your own reserach, perhaps go visit the local cathloic priest, perhaps not his family one but an independent one and seek his guidance and counsel. Then and only yhen when you are armed with all the facts and an understanding can you discuss this properly with your partner. Sometimes the right decision is the hardest one to make. But short term pain for long term gain is always the best way to go.

 

I hope this helps.

[sb129]

Thanks for all your comments...

 

He is Catholic. I agreed to consider converting, that i'm 100% for it. More that I would make the effort.

 

I agree that religion is between you and god...I have again discussed this with him.

 

We have agreed to focus on the relationship at this point and not to discuss marriage and religion at a later stage in the relationship.

 

sb129: I mentioned that he was a hypocrite for dating someone who is not the same religion as him...he stated that he really liked me and wanted to see where it would lead? I guess his feelings for me are strong so he is questioning if I will take the next step with him?

 

I guess the most important thing to him is that I accept the traditions around the religion as opposed to actually believing and praying.

 

I agreed that if our relationship comes to that stage I will go to church with him, and learn about the religion in a greater depth. But, I agree with StayClose, I can't automatically believe in the flip of a switch.

 

I do believe in god and the idea that there is a higher power, but to me one religion isn't right or wrong, they all are 'facts of the same truth'.

 

But hes still not respecting your right to your own beliefs and opinions... he is saying well I really like her,lets see where it goes (ie lets see if she will convert for me)

I am glad he has agreed not to discuss it for now though, that is an improvement!

Catholicism isn't as stringent as it used to be, many catholics are happily married to non Catholics. You can live your life and believe in God without converting to a full on religion.

Its not like Mormonism or Islam which requires a big life change to convert, so why is it essential that you do?

Just accepting the traditions in some way is worse than actually believing and praying, because then the traditions lose their meaning.

Some people may see that as hypocrisy, but its your life.

Accepting that they are HIS traditions on the other hand is OK for now.

 

I hope it works out for you.

Good luck

[Guest]

This sounds like emotional blackmail to me. Convert to my beliefs or I will leave you?? Why don't you demand him to convert to your beliefs, see how he likes it.

 

What good is converting if you don't really believe in it anyway....plus you'd have to enter into a different lifestyle for yourself and your future children, one that he decides based on his beliefs.

 

I'm sorry, but if he really loves you he should love you for yourself unconditionally...

[taiko]

?

 

I didn't think most Catholics even believed in God anymore.

Even if he doesn't presumably he wantsto keep the traditions. As I understand it. The Roman Catholics don't demand conversion. They just expect the Catholic partner to remain Catholic and pledge to do all they can to see to it that the children are Baptized and raised Catholic.

 

Coming from a devout family which most likly will want a Priest officiating the wedding means that in the end most likely counciling will occur before any marraige where you will get the Catholic side of the issue.

[ratingsguy]

The four biggest reasons couples divorce are:

 

1) Disagreements about money

2) Disagreements with in-laws

3) Disagreements about how to raise kids

4) Disagreements about religion

 

If you're going down this road, it's probably best to move on... UNLESS you are committed to converting, but only for the right reasons.

[taiko]

The four biggest reasons couples divorce are:

 

1) Disagreements about money

2) Disagreements with in-laws

3) Disagreements about how to raise kids

4) Disagreements about religion

 

If you're going down this road, it's probably best to move on... UNLESS you are committed to converting, but only for the right reasons.

If you know Jesus as your savior or believe God doesn't really care about the rituals maybe not. Just be prepared to attend Roman Catholic services while being denied participation in some rituals. And soon after your children are born they will be Baptized by a Priest. If that is okay with you then no problem

 

Now he may have other ideals

[Moose]

I do believe in god and the idea that there is a higher power, but to me one religion isn't right or wrong, they all are 'facts of the same truth'.

PLEASE, do more research. This statement isn't accurate at all.....

[sb129]

PLEASE, do more research. This statement isn't accurate at all.....

 

How so?

 

If one religion is right, which one is it? Seeing as alot of them have the same god and all.

 

The only inaccuracy in that statement IMO is that there is a higher power.

There isn't.

 

Sorry OP- I don't want my beliefs or lack thereof to affect your thread, but there you go.

[StayClose]

The only TRUE religion is my own. And if everyone believed like me, the world wouldn't be so messed up.

 

Don't you agree? :D

[JamesM]

Ahhh, love will conquer all, right?

 

Wrong.

 

Let's be practical. And let's ignore who is right and who is wrong. And it is not a matter of respecting beliefs. We are talking marriage here. We are talking the big possibility of raising children. And when we start a marriage, it should be with the idea that it is til death do us part.

 

This is not something to be taken lightly. I have seen a number of marriages between Protestants and Catholics dissolve over this issue. The problems usually arise when the first child is born. Think a minute..you said that this talk of religion bothered you. What will it be like when he says emphatically that the children WILL be raised Catholic? What will it be like at every family gathering of his...religion will be brought up. And every Sunday...will you stay home and he goes to church? And the children...what will they think when they see their parents divided on such an important issue?

 

You don't say if you have any sort of religion, but if you have been raised...let's say Protestant, many people revert back to their upbringing when children come along. And if you were brought up with no religion at all, then for you, believing that there is a God is already difficult. He will expect much "greater." Your husband will expect that you abide by the many rituals of Catholicism daily that you have "agreed to" when you converted.

 

If/when you marry him, you will be signing a paper that states that you will abide by all rules of the Church. You will in essence wil be forfeiting you right to teach your children in the way that YOU see fit. It will be as your then husband wishes. It is rare that it goes the other way. And even if he is not that devout now, expect him to become devout when he is a parent.

 

No, it is not about him being selfish or not respecting your beliefs. It is simply about two people being compatible in marriage.

 

I dated a Catholic girl for a few months, but I was afraid and knew down deep that it was probably going to be an issue...and I was still a few years from marriage. She said she would become Protestant, but looking back, I am glad that we never pursued each other much longer, because now that I have been married for 17 years (to someone of the same beliefs and a much better fit overall), I can see that there are so many issues that arise in marriage that already cause strife. And when religion is one, it encompasses so many things in life that we do not imagine when we are dating.

 

This is why as ratingsguy said, religion is one of the main causes of divorce.

[JamesM]

How so?

 

If one religion is right, which one is it? Seeing as alot of them have the same god and all.

 

The only inaccuracy in that statement IMO is that there is a higher power.

There isn't.

 

Sorry OP- I don't want my beliefs or lack thereof to affect your thread, but there you go.

 

First, all religions CANNOT be correct because so many contradict each other. And to say that there are no absolutes goes against that very "belief." (Can you say ABSOLUTELY that there are no absolutes? Saying there are no absolutes IS an absolute. But I digress). So, there must be rights and wrongs. Yes, there are gray areas that are somebody's choice on how to believe, but when one belief contradicts the other, then one is wrong. As for there being no Higher Power, there is much more evidence that contradicts that statement than others, but if we would like that discussion, then I guess we have those threads elsewhere here.

 

And I bring this up not to get sidelined on the OP's thread, but as proof that the OP should not pursue a relationship with someone who may have such a belief that contradicts her own. It is NOT about who is right or wrong. It is simply about compatibility. It is about building a relationship with someone who views the world through the same "glasses" as you do. Having been with someone who didn't and being married to someone who does, it eliminates so much strife and stress when the two of you "walk the same road in life."

 

I would only disagree with Moose this once...don't bother researching this one...you have already chosen how you feel. You really do not want to convert, because his talk of religion already bothers you. In the future, it will not get better...it will get worse. (But as Moose said, if you do decide to convert, then it must be done not as a means to be married to him, but only because you personally feel that it is the correct belief and theology).

[sb129]

Good post JamesM.

 

I think we all agree that this shouldn't be taken lightly.

 

I think its interesting that the couple have got this far down the line without it coming up already.

I still think he isn't respecting her beliefs, but since his are so strong, then you are right, they are incompatible.

 

I personally couldn't marry a devout Catholic, because they would expect me to raise our children as Catholics, and that would mean teaching my children something I don't believe in.

 

Obviously they could believe in whatever they wanted to when they were old enough to make the choice for themselves, but thats another thread entirely..

[sb129]

First, all religions CANNOT be correct because so many contradict each other. And to say that there are no absolutes goes against that very "belief." (Can you say ABSOLUTELY that there are no absolutes? Saying there are no absolutes IS an absolute. But I digress). So, there must be rights and wrongs. Yes, there are gray areas that are somebody's choice on how to believe, but when one belief contradicts the other, then one is wrong. As for there being no Higher Power, there is much more evidence that contradicts that statement than others, but if we would like that discussion, then I guess we have those threads elsewhere here.

 

There are other thread. I agree that all religions cannot be correct. And this is why I have such a problem with them.

I beg to differ that there is "evidence" to prove there is a higherpower, but as you say that is for another thread.

 

It is NOT about who is right or wrong. It is simply about compatibility. It is about building a relationship with someone who views the world through the same "glasses" as you do. Having been with someone who didn't and being married to someone who does, it eliminates so much strife and stress when the two of you "walk the same road in life."

 

TOTALLY! I agree with you, there are compatibility issues here. And I know what you mean about walking the same road. My BF and I are both very convinced atheists, we have science educations, and we have very similar backgrounds. And man does it make it easier! (having been with people with different backgrounds to me... so with you there jamesM)

It works for us.