Roshell Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 How do you tell a spouse that you aren't in love with them anymore? Where do you even begin?
dropdeadlegs Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Roshell, that is tough and I have been there. After two years of marriage to my first husband I simply discovered that I did not love him. Maybe I never did and mistook my feelings as love when they were more accurately lust. I didn't say anything and remained married for 6 more years, but I wouldn't do that again. It ended very badly because I had not been honest and I hurt him terribly by staying when I was miserable. I don't like to hurt people so it seemed easier to stay and suffer silently, but with no feelings on my part, the marriage was a sham and it led to problems in every possible area of marriage. I wish I knew how best to tell someone, but I still don't. I don't have anything to offer in the ways of softening the blow. If your spouse is still in love with you, I don't know that the truth can be softened at all. It will hurt, but I truly believe that honestly communicating is better than the further pain that would happen if you remained in a relationship where you no longer felt a deep emotional connection. That only prolongs the end result. My thoughts are with you, it's a tough situation.
Starry-eyed Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Roshel, there is no easy way to do it. I just recently told my husband something similar and we are divorcing. It is very difficult to be honest when you know how bad it will hurt someone. But it's best. My only advice, really, is to be kind and not get angry; be compassionate. If you're truly not in love with your husband anymore, and this isn't a passing phase, you owe it to him as well as yourself to tell him. Maybe first, though, you need to figure out WHY you're not in love with him anymore.
Guest Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 How do you tell a spouse that you aren't in love with them anymore? Where do you even begin? You don't tell them.. no matter what.. unless you intend to leave them.. Even still.. I wouldn't tell them you didn't love them anymore.. What would it again besides just making unreasonable amounts of cruel pain for the person? Honestly?? What's the point.. YOu can make up other excuses to leave without hurting someone that much. Its really cruel.. and likely, not true. Most likely there's something wrong with you. (with the exception being that your spouse isn't a monster) which.. if they are a monster.. who cares if you "hurt" them.
Sevenmack Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 What does being 'in love' mean anyway? This is the problem with words and phrases; they tell you nothing. If you mean that you're no longer excited by his touch or don't find him as attractive as you used to, then the problem isn't that you don't love him anymore. The problem for you is a natural problem, that of time, when after years of being together, you think you know a lot about him and don't find him a novelty anymore. That's fixable. For one thing, you never fully know your spouse or lover; even as you learn more about them, they change and grow. So spend some time together, tap their brain, have some real discussions outside of the usual work, kids and friends crap. But if you don't love them at all, that's a different story. Just end it, tell it to him or her straight as to why you're ending it -- so that he or she won't hold delusions that the relationship can be repaired -- and move on.
Trialbyfire Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Sometimes you're no longer "in love" but still love the individual. I do agree that there's no point in telling a spouse unless you're trying to find some form of resolution whether it's through marriage counselling, working on fixing the problem together or moving on.
Sevenmack Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 It's hard to keep relationships fresh all the time. The reality is that you're going to have periods when you can't stand each other or just don't want to be around one another. By the same token, there will be periods when the only person you want to be around is your spouse or lover. The key is distinguishing the difference and not taking flight every time things in the relationship get tough. Believe me, there are times whe I just want to dump the little lady because she's 'scared' of getting even more serious in the relationship or just bores me to tears with some other thing. But that which is worth having is worth putting in the work.
Guest Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I just had my wife tell me that she loves me, but is not "in love" with me, which actually did not seem like a huge deal. I have only had 3 girlfriends my entire life, and one was my wife. All the relationships went on for years and I think there are times in every relationship where you love the person but are not "in love." But eventually things return to normal. But don't say anything unless you want to try and fix it or divorce. My wife told me and than in the same sentance said she was not sure if she wanted to pursue counselling or just end it. She is my life and my best friend and I am having trouble just making it through the day right now. So, if your husband feels at all like I do about my wife be prepared to either try and fix it or get out immediately. I am in limbo and it is one of the worst feelings in the world. I would pretty much do anything to make her be "in love" with me enough to seek help.
mental_traveller Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 How do you tell them? Immediately. Where to begin? No point really, whatever you say they are going to feel like cr*p. Personally I don't like big explanations, unless I'm asked to give one. Just say your feelings have changed and you are no longer in love. If they ask why, tell them as honestly as you can. That's about all you can do. It's like having your wisdom tooth removed, it's going to hurt no matter what, you might as well just get it over with.
RichC Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 This thread unfortunately makes good reasons not to get married.
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