Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 FL: Remember that you will get all sorts of responses on this board...take what you need and ignore everything else... Welcome aboard! Sometimes it seems as if this board isn't really a support board as the name implies...but if you stick around long enough, you'll find the support you need... Yah, apparently so... so much for that I guess...
GreenEyedLady Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 You're new...it happens to most of the newbies (and actually the OG's too, but we just are used to it)...people are well-meaning...and they really are trying to help...just keep that in mind...
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 people are well-meaning...and they really are trying to help...just keep that in mind... Thank you for saying that GEL. To be honest, she isn't ready to face the real reality of her situation yet, she believes all that the MM has told her, and she can't be objective at all. I hope in afew days she re-reads her thread and atleast takes into consideration some of what NJ and I have said to her. She does have a choice of how this can turn out, she's suffered alot of pain the past, and hopefully in time she'll choose not to put her hand in the fire with this MM.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Thank you for saying that GEL. To be honest, she isn't ready to face the real reality of her situation yet, she believes all that the MM has told her... wtf... no, I don't believe everything he has told me... stop putting words in my mouth... even better, fully read what I post before jumping to conclusions... I had been searching for a board where I could talk about the situation I find myself in without people coming out blazing. Because from what I have found so far, nothing seems to evoke as much emotion and rage as an OW. Especially one who isn't flagellating herself, like me. And you know, I was actually starting to see things more clearly, initially. Then I got blasted. I'm an awful person. I'm a destroyer of lives. I'm """"like"""" a psychopath, not a psychopath itself, but you know, I have the signs of being one. Deleted comments that I'm sure were quite juicy. Comments that, quite frankly, you may as well call me a dirty whore. If it makes you feel better, great. I hope that's the case at least, because it's accomplishing nothing on my side. Nothing, that is, except counting the seconds til I see MM again (tomorrow night) and getting a MASSIVE dose of the drug that he is, the drug that makes me feel utterly amazing yet will ultimately most likely be my destroyer. This situation may be f'ed up -- I suppose I'm a little f'ed up myself -- but you know what? I'm a flesh and blood person just like everyone else. I have faults, I still feel pain, sadness, confusion, I make mistakes and get into stupid, terrible situations. I still need friends to just lend an ear. I'm not a bad person, I'm not an awful person, and I'm not a psychopath. I'm not a f'ing predator like you'd like to believe and I'm not malicious and cruel, and no amount of crap that gets throw at me is going to convince me otherwise. I'm just another person wondering what the hell is going to happen with this situation that I never dreamed I'd be in. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm glad I could at least serve as a whipping post for other people's grudges.
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Now you're assuming. You are far from what you said. You are not a whore, or a homewrecker, Noone has said that... I'm not angry, you are putting your own spin on this. I've tried to help, open your eyes, from a different POV, but you're not ready to hear it. You are taking it as an attack and I wasn't attacking you. You're not a mean person, malcious or any of what you said above. You ARE confused and in a situation that is going to bring you more pain than you'll ever want. THAT is why I've pushed you to take afew steps back and open your eyes. If you don't want to make bad mistakes, and get into stupid terrible situations, then atleast consider some of what I've said and what NJ has said into consideration. You have control over what happens in your life. Right now you are in the early stages of this affair - YOU can end it if you want to. All you have to do is be strong, be confident and not let yourself get sucked into the fantasy of the MM and how good he makes you feel.
NoIDidn't Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 LOL at Art. You know everytime some one comes in here looking for advice about "their" MM (someone else's H), they get mad at the realistic advice and love the encouragement to keep on with the foolishness, er, the A. That, and then everyone becomes a betrayed W, because some folks just can't believe that even xOWs don't condone As. Ahhh, well....back to lurking.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Now you're assuming. You are far from what you said. You are not a whore, or a homewrecker, Noone has said that... You said this: So, in turn, you're gonna help screw up some innocent childrens lives by screwing their daddy. Nice.... You really ought to consider going to therapy and sort out your childhood issues instead of throwing yourself at a married man who can't say NO Hence, I can't take you seriously. Either you're mentally unstable or just playing head games -- either way the result is the same. I don't need your bizarre brand of "help"
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 You know everytime some one comes in here looking for advice about "their" MM (someone else's H)' date=' they get mad at the realistic advice and love the encouragement to keep on with the foolishness, er, the A. [/quote'] I never said I wanted that either... jeezus, wtf is with this place?
woe_is_me Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Yah I suppose I don't. It might be because I think marriage is kind of pointless. I'm jaded about love -- obviously, and statistics are on my side, most of the time it doesn't last forever. And it's not the end of the world if it doesn't last forever. It's not the end of the world if the marriage doesn't last forever. That's just life. Maybe that's screwed up of me, but tbh I think I'm being pretty realistic. statistics aren't really on 'your' side. A lot of marriages do end in divorce and no its not the end of the world. The reality of it is.. when it comes to you and he living happily ever after ..statistics clearly 'aren't' on your side... 3% maybe.. you honestly should get out now while the getting is good
woe_is_me Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I'd give anything to have the cheating scenario instead and at least have him in my life, than the complete abandonment I've had to deal with. Abandonment!!! MM will eventually do this to u also lost!
Confused27 Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 FL.....We need to talk...I do believe everyone here is trying their best to be caring and supportive, but I also understand how it feels like a moralistic slap in the face. If we had no morals, we wouldn't be asking questions. We definitely would not seek the advice of strangers on a forum. Instead, we would just go our merry ways and live and let live. I know where you are coming from....Not that I have anything to do with stereotypes, but I am not a low IQ, white trash hillbilly. I don't assume anyone here is, but just to lend some validity to the fact that this HAPPENS, I am a wealthy musician. Please everyone, do not take this the wrong way....it just seems that sooo many posters here like to trample people for"allowing" this to happen.This happens to everybody.....not just people who are looking for stability or money. Love is ever powerful no matter what form it takes...and we can NOT define it. WE all know that it doesn't just "happen". I know that people who have been through this tend to get a little aggressive because we don't want anyone else to have to suffer, but think about it.....When WE were in the thick of it, we didn't listen to anyone either. All we can do is expect others to rightfully make the SAME mistakes we made and help them deal with the aftermath...even if we are STILL dealing with the aftermath. What I love about this place so far is that we are all in the same boat sharing experiences. NO one is better off than anyone else. We need to solidify.
NearlyThere Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Well things certainly heated up a bit in here last night, thats the trouble with me being 5 hours ahead, I managed till 2am last night, people say to me at work, you must have had a good night, like i'm going to say, yeah, spent it on a forum called Loveshack. I hope that you haven't been put off too much after last night and your still glad you found this place. lol. I am still glad I did, I only did a search on one complete phrase and ended up here. The trouble is this is a very emotive subject and it is a public board so you are going to get all sorts of answers to anything you post, if anyone really gets on your nerves just use the ignore feature, if you think they are being out of order use the report feature. If someone says something that really gets your goat, the best advice I can give is just step away from the keyboard for 10 mins, come back and answer then, I found this the best feature, I dont always use it but try too. I have to say until I came on LS I had no idea how absolutely vilified the OW was, really, I was surprised to say the least. I have seen OW been called everything under the sun, whores, homewreckers, douchebags, sluts, prostitutes, told we are worse than murderers, full of low esteem, no morals. I saw a new one the other day, some people profess to being superior, have to admit the psychopaths was a new one, lol. I am sure there are some I have not remembered. Also never say My MM, a def no no on here, lol, , see you have already been pulled up on that one, personally I think the phrase gets mis-interpreted, I think most people just say "my" mm to determine who they are talking about as oppose to the other people responding on here and "their" mm, lol, sure this is only because we can't use real names, but hey, that is JIMO. I know when I responded last night I must have come off as pessemistic but the trouble is, I just felt that you are going to end up where a lot of us are now. Ignoring the moralistic equation, I know how you must feel now, it feels all shiny and new, you have met someone who has connected with you in some way that you have not come accross before, he makes you laugh more than anyone else, you have more in common with him that anyone else you have met, I know I felt like a giddy teenager, (I am in my early 40's, lol), a lot of the time I still do, lol, even after 16 months. The feelings you get from him coming to see you at work and phoning you at the weekend etc, are probably like nothing else you have had. You want to explore the relationship further, see how it pans out, thinking oh, its only a bit of fun. Suddenly there he is throwing in these comments that have started to make you wonder where he's coming from. Well it could be one of the following. 1. He could be genuine about how he feels about you and when he says these things and does these things he means it. 2. He is a player and he is following a script and this is what he normally says, I know he said to you he has never had an affair before, but of course this might or might not be true. 3. He is having a mid-life crisis and you are his last shot to feel youthful again. Maybe you should ask him outright what he is expecting from you. Does he expect you to be exclusive to him?, ie not see other men. He will probably say, of course not, he has no right, but he would rather you didn't. That seems to be the stock reply, again I know I sound cynical, but you know sometimes you wonder if they are either reading from a script or they are genuine with what they are saying and there are only so many ways you can reply to a certain question. I would also carry on with everything else you do as much as you can, don't let him take over. If you have hobbies continue them, go out with friends still as much as you can etc, do not fall into the habit of hanging around hoping he might phone or there is a possiblity he might be able to see you so you dont go out. There is always a big debate about how much the MM lies, he must be a liar in some ways as he lies to his W, the point YOU have to take into account is how much he is lying to YOU. In my case I have yet to stumble accross a lie I have been told, but that does not make me complacent I always keep in mind, he might have pulled the biggest ball of wool over my eyes, lol, I suggest you do the same. The biggest trouble is emotions, they are very hard to keep suppressed, before you know it you are going to have fallen for him if you feel that is happening that is probably the time to leave. You sound like you are going to continue on seeing him for a while, I can't condemn you because I did the same but its not an easy road. I didn't say it last night, Welcome to Love Shack, lol, climb on board the OW/OM proverbial rollercoaster.
NearlyThere Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 FL.....We need to talk...I do believe everyone here is trying their best to be caring and supportive, but I also understand how it feels like a moralistic slap in the face. If we had no morals, we wouldn't be asking questions. We definitely would not seek the advice of strangers on a forum. Instead, we would just go our merry ways and live and let live. I know where you are coming from....Not that I have anything to do with stereotypes, but I am not a low IQ, white trash hillbilly. I don't assume anyone here is, but just to lend some validity to the fact that this HAPPENS, I am a wealthy musician. Please everyone, do not take this the wrong way....it just seems that sooo many posters here like to trample people for"allowing" this to happen.This happens to everybody.....not just people who are looking for stability or money. Love is ever powerful no matter what form it takes...and we can NOT define it. WE all know that it doesn't just "happen". I know that people who have been through this tend to get a little aggressive because we don't want anyone else to have to suffer, but think about it.....When WE were in the thick of it, we didn't listen to anyone either. All we can do is expect others to rightfully make the SAME mistakes we made and help them deal with the aftermath...even if we are STILL dealing with the aftermath. What I love about this place so far is that we are all in the same boat sharing experiences. NO one is better off than anyone else. We need to solidify. Hi Confused27 I didn't respond to you main thread but I thought I would reply to this. I know you having troubles at the moment in your current sitch. You right about being in the boat, but I think we are more, in our own boats, on the same river going to the same destination, but at different places on the river. Some have reach the final destination others have only just started and thats what is so good on LS. You will have many people probably respond to your posts but like in real life I think you tend to harmonise with some people better than others and find their advice easier to digest. I suppose some people might come off as aggressive as we are trying to stop further heartache and pain that is more than likely going to follow, dont know if I come off that way or not, its difficult to judge your own posts, lol. However reading back on some of my darkest day posts, I come accross as pathetic, lol. I agree with what your saying, if we did not have some form of morals why would we be on here wrestling with our own conscience. Your right about people assuming we "allowed" this to happen, they are the same people that ignore that most people start their posts saying, well I never thought I would be the OW/OM. Most people on here will be supportive on here when you suffering, some will say well you bought it on yourself, I have no sympathy, etc etc, again as I said to FL, the ignore feature is useful. Although I have yet to use it myself. In fact that is what this board does best is when you feel you have reached your darkest hour or day, their is someone who can empathise with your sitch and will more that likely pull you out, they certainly have done for me anyway, BTW thanks to you all who have done that for me, you know who you are, lol, in fact too many to list.
Motor35 Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Right, calling me a psychopath is great advice. You know, I actually thought I'd found a board where I could sort my feelings out, not have to go on the defensive. Do you really think you're helping with that approach? Actually I think you are a sociopath. Look it up. All I can think of is that 11 year old. Is his kid a boy or a girl? He or she will be crushed when they find out and it will probably affect their relationships forever! My dad cheated on my mom when I was 12. He got his OW pregnant, but my mom and dad tried to work it out, but it didn't happen. I just realized in therapy the other day that I get involved with unavailable men, most likely I am trying to fill my loss of my dad. In other words, I pick men that will cheat, lie and be completely unavailable.
Guest Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 OK, we are being selfish. You already said that, and I said I don't know. My dad is an alcoholic, and I don't even talk to him anymore. TBH, I'd give anything to have the cheating scenario instead and at least have him in my life, than the complete abandonment I've had to deal with. If MM is 18 years older than you maybe MM is making you feel like he can take care of you since your dad didn't. But he will make you feel worse because he has a family already to take care of. The person who said MM will make you feel abandoned too is right!
GreenEyedLady Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Actually I think you are a sociopath. Look it up. Who are you? A clinical psychologist? No need to namecall...
NoIDidn't Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 You know, I don't get the hang up on what NJ said. She said the poster was showing TRAITS of a psychopath. I agree that sociopath is a better choice, but showing traits is a far cry from actually saying "you are a sociopath". "Research has shown that individuals with antisocial personality disorder are indifferent to the possibility of physical pain or many punishments and show no indications that they experience fear when so threatened. This may explain their apparent disregard for the consequences of their actions and their aforementioned lack of empathy" (from Wikipedia) The OP has definitely exhibited traits found in research of one suffering from antisocial personality disorder (also known is sociopathy), but haven't we all when we are only thinking of our own selves for a time - until reality hits. This OP is likely to crash and burn, but she doesn't see it and its no point in trying to show her.
Motor35 Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Who are you? A clinical psychologist? No need to namecall... Nope. No namecalling. I said I think she be a sociopath. And I didn't post it in a mean way. That is also why I suggested she look it up. Unfortunately, sociopaths rarely recover, so I hope she is not.
4whatItsWorth Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 It's always hitting a nerve when it comes to OWs - especially when they do not even seem concerned about the W or kids involved. If I was in your position, sadly, I would probably be like you too. My dad wasn't alcoholic, he didn't leave...until I was old enough. Then he left for a OW like you. It's made me loose all faith in men being honest and faithful. Perhaps you are looking for MM because he is making you feel like he is a father figure you never had and perhaps provider. You wish (dont bash me for this) he could be what your father never was. Maybe not thinking it in a knowing way - but in a deeper way beyond knowing it yourself. Going back to original point, my dad caused my mom a lot of pain. I guess I've become a bit numb like you when it comes to others. So even though I can kind of sorta see your point of view - I still think you should consider the Ws feelings. Her marriage might not mean anything to you - but it might mean the world to HER.
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