whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 And yes, perhaps he and I are being selfish, very selfish... Not perhaps, you and him ARE being selfish. but what would life be if we didn't learn our own lessons? On the expense of hurting innocent people. His wife and his children. How you feel, how would your mother feel if your father messed around with a younger woman. Think about that.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 So, because he doesn't respect his own marriage, you've chosen to not respect it either? What about their child? Imagine if your father cheated on your mother with a girl half his age...How would YOU feel? Put yourself in someone else's shoes, other than your MM. If my dad cheated on my mom... I don't know really. I didn't grow up with my dad. And again, it's not the end of the world. Maybe I don't have the greatest take on relationships but I've known screwed up kids of happy marriages too. I've never been to jail, I'm not a drug fiend, I'm not suicidal... for the most part I have a very good, fortunate life. Look, I stopped being utopic a while ago. Yes it would be wonderful if everything could be happily ever after and there was one man for every woman and vice versa but that just isn't how it is. The universe hasn't imploded yet so I'm sure we'll be fine. You aren't being realistic at all. Sorry, but you don't have a clue. You are more or less pretending his wife and child, their life and their marriage DOES NOT EXIST. Tell that to his wife, you think it's no big deal if the marriage doesn't work. Tell that to their child. It's not that it's no big deal. Yes, it sucks. But it happens. I mean what do you want me to say? That the wife and kid are going to DIE if the marriage ends? That they'll turn into homeless crackheads? No, they won't die -- it'll hurt, they'll live and move on. Perhaps it will be something they carry forever and perhaps one day they will put it past them. Remember this too - He is lying to his wife, so he has lied to you. Do you reallly believe you are the 'first and only' OW he's ever been with? Logically, no, I don't think so. Even if that were true, I'm sure he'd been interested in many others, even if he didn't take it that far.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Forget the word marriage, then, and consider that he's been in a committed relationship for 12 years, with child. Are you equally as nonchalant about encouraging and abetting his betrayal of his commitment? Affairs and betrayal are THE most screwed up way to hurt a partner and child, and it has long lasting effects. Besides, the statistics show that marriages don't usually end because of affairs. So, that's not likely to happen. But the betrayal is happening already, and it's hurting their marriage and family. You are responsible for your part of it. And you don't seem to understand that you are not in control - clearly, you're already so sucked in that you won't entertain the idea of ending this. YOU will feel betrayed in the end, as well. So let me feel betrayed! I mean what else am I supposed to do? Just take everyone's word for it? Never experience something myself, never learn the hard way? What kind of life is that? And I realize I'm not in control -- otherwise I wouldn't be here.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Learning lessons on your own dime is fine. However, you will be learning this lesson at the expense of his wife and child, whom you pointedly ignore even mentioning. You are in denial. Again, if I was in a perfect state and knew everything, why would I be here?
norajane Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 So let me feel betrayed! I mean what else am I supposed to do? Just take everyone's word for it? Never experience something myself, never learn the hard way? What kind of life is that? And I realize I'm not in control -- otherwise I wouldn't be here. Again, if innocent people weren't involved in your life lessons, have at it! However, you are deliberately pursuing a course of action which will most definitely hurt at least two other people in addition to yourself. I realize you care nothing about them and they are standing in the way of your good time, but jeez, that's the sign of a psychopath.
norajane Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Again, if I was in a perfect state and knew everything, why would I be here? You KNOW his wife and child will be hurt. You don't need to learn that, you already KNOW it.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Not perhaps, you and him ARE being selfish. OK, we are being selfish. On the expense of hurting innocent people. His wife and his children. How you feel, how would your mother feel if your father messed around with a younger woman. Think about that. You already said that, and I said I don't know. My dad is an alcoholic, and I don't even talk to him anymore. TBH, I'd give anything to have the cheating scenario instead and at least have him in my life, than the complete abandonment I've had to deal with.
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 If my dad cheated on my mom... I don't know really. I didn't grow up with my dad. And again, it's not the end of the world. Maybe I don't have the greatest take on relationships but I've known screwed up kids of happy marriages too. I've never been to jail, I'm not a drug fiend, I'm not suicidal... for the most part I have a very good, fortunate life. Look, I stopped being utopic a while ago. Yes it would be wonderful if everything could be happily ever after and there was one man for every woman and vice versa but that just isn't how it is. The universe hasn't imploded yet so I'm sure we'll be fine. It's not that it's no big deal. Yes, it sucks. But it happens. I mean what do you want me to say? That the wife and kid are going to DIE if the marriage ends? That they'll turn into homeless crackheads? No, they won't die -- it'll hurt, they'll live and move on. Perhaps it will be something they carry forever and perhaps one day they will put it past them. Logically, no, I don't think so. Even if that were true, I'm sure he'd been interested in many others, even if he didn't take it that far. What kind of help are you asking then? Do you want out? Do you want this man for yourself? Are you asking for help on how to keep the affair going without his wife finding out? Because NJ and I have given you some good advice, and you're more or less ignoring it.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Again, if innocent people weren't involved in your life lessons, have at it! However, you are deliberately pursuing a course of action which will most definitely hurt at least two other people in addition to yourself. I realize you care nothing about them and they are standing in the way of your good time, but jeez, that's the sign of a psychopath. Thanks You know, you could probably get your point across much better without resorting to insults. I'm not going to stoop to that level.
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I'd give anything to have the cheating scenario instead and at least have him in my life, than the complete abandonment I've had to deal with. So, in turn, you're gonna help screw up some innocent childrens lives by screwing their daddy. Nice.... You really ought to consider going to therapy and sort out your childhood issues instead of throwing yourself at a married man who can't say NO.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 You KNOW his wife and child will be hurt. You don't need to learn that, you already KNOW it. OK well, you know what? I'm a human being, not a robot. I can't turn off my feelings like a faucet. I don't have the willpower to up and leave before things get "more serious" or whatnot. And obviously, neither does he. It sucks, yes. People will get hurt, yes. Are you done crucifying me yet? It's not going to help, fyi.
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I'm not going to stoop to that level. Deleted comment....................
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 What kind of help are you asking then? Do you want out? Do you want this man for yourself? Are you asking for help on how to keep the affair going without his wife finding out? Because NJ and I have given you some good advice, and you're more or less ignoring it. Right, calling me a psychopath is great advice. You know, I actually thought I'd found a board where I could sort my feelings out, not have to go on the defensive. Do you really think you're helping with that approach?
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 OK well, you know what? I'm a human being, not a robot. I can't turn off my feelings like a faucet. I don't have the willpower to up and leave before things get "more serious" or whatnot. And obviously, neither does he. It sucks, yes. People will get hurt, yes. Are you done crucifying me yet? It's not going to help, fyi. Imagine facing his wife and child - NJ is respectful here, she's trying to get you to open your eyes with tough love. If she didn't care, or if I didn't care, we would NOT be posting to you, trying to open your eyes. Right now you're so caught up in the affair, all the good feelings, you can't see what's ahead...And, I don't think you want to because then you'll lose out on some good times with this MM. You are better than that! You deserve a single man who will love you and not already have a wife and child.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 So, in turn, you're gonna help screw up some innocent childrens lives by screwing their daddy. Nice.... You really ought to consider going to therapy and sort out your childhood issues instead of throwing yourself at a married man who can't say NO. FFS, throwing myself at a married man... now you're making me laugh... if anything he's throwing himself at me with his talk about this and that... You know if I didn't know any better, I'd suspect you've been victimized somehow in the past by an OW. Am I right? Because I can't really see any other justification for this hostility. And it's really sad you have to get nasty.
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Right, calling me a psychopath is great advice. You know, I actually thought I'd found a board where I could sort my feelings out, not have to go on the defensive. Do you really think you're helping with that approach? Tough love, harsh advice. I haven't called you names, I have been TRYING to open your eyes. I just want you to dig down deep, take a step back and SEE this situation from a different angle. Sorry if I am coming off harshly, but you really don't have a clue what you're up against.
norajane Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 OK well, you know what? I'm a human being, not a robot. I can't turn off my feelings like a faucet. I don't have the willpower to up and leave before things get "more serious" or whatnot. And obviously, neither does he. It sucks, yes. People will get hurt, yes. Are you done crucifying me yet? It's not going to help, fyi. Well, that's exactly the point I'm trying to make - that you don't think you have the willpower to get out now, that you are already so in deep that you think you cannot do it. How hard do you think it's going to be later? THIS is the time to summon up whatever willpower you have. It turns into a DISASTER for you later. You'll be here a year from now crying because MM isn't leaving his wife and you can't leave him.
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 FFS, throwing myself at a married man... now you're making me laugh... if anything he's throwing himself at me with his talk about this and that... You know if I didn't know any better, I'd suspect you've been victimized somehow in the past by an OW. Am I right? Because I can't really see any other justification for this hostility. And it's really sad you have to get nasty. I am not being hostel at all. I am trying to help you, but you're not ready yet to "hear" the advice being given. You're defensive, upset and noone can tell you what you don't want to hear. If you came on LS hoping to have love, hugs, hand holding - You won't get that. If you came on here for support, a desire to want to end things, and you feel bad, yes, you will get tons of support. Problem is, you don't give two craps about hurting his wife, or his child. MOST of the OW who have posted here, present and past, atleast feel absolutely AWFUL for the pain they've caused MM's wife and children. They feel remorse, and if they could go back and walk away sooner, they would have..... Take things however you want, I can't control that, but honestly, I am trying to help you, and so is NJ.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Tough love, harsh advice. I haven't called you names, I have been TRYING to open your eyes. I just want you to dig down deep, take a step back and SEE this situation from a different angle. Sorry if I am coming off harshly, but you really don't have a clue what you're up against. I think I said that from the beginning. You know, the thing about not being in this situation before? Not knowing what's going to happen? Desperately trying to get a grip on things? Maybe realize through discussion and reading that I'm being manipulated? Battling between wishing to stay ad trying to find a way out? Thus far though, I feel like finding a way out... of here.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Well, that's exactly the point I'm trying to make - that you don't think you have the willpower to get out now, that you are already so in deep that you think you cannot do it. How hard do you think it's going to be later? THIS is the time to summon up whatever willpower you have. It turns into a DISASTER for you later. You'll be here a year from now crying because MM isn't leaving his wife and you can't leave him. I've been through much worse than trying to leave a bad relationship.
norajane Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Right, calling me a psychopath is great advice. You know, I actually thought I'd found a board where I could sort my feelings out, not have to go on the defensive. Do you really think you're helping with that approach? I didn't call you a psychopath. I told you your callous attitude toward other people's pain is the sign of a psychopath. If that struck a nerve, think about why. Are you proud of your attitude? Are you going to have a whole lot of self-respect when this is over?
GreenEyedLady Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 FL: Remember that you will get all sorts of responses on this board...take what you need and ignore everything else... Welcome aboard! Sometimes it seems as if this board isn't really a support board as the name implies...but if you stick around long enough, you'll find the support you need...
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Leave LS if you need to...Would be a shame to leave because two posters, myself and NJ are trying to help you by being harsh... When you read enough threads by OW, maybe then you'll see things abit differently. Take afew days, re-read this thread, the replies and maybe you'll calm down and see what NJ and I are trying to say to you, in better frame of mind.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 I am not being hostel at all. I am trying to help you, but you're not ready yet to "hear" the advice being given. You're defensive, upset and noone can tell you what you don't want to hear. Right, and out of curiosity, what was your "deleted comment"? Some more tough love I guess right? Take things however you want, I can't control that, but honestly, I am trying to help you, and so is NJ.
Author FeelingLost Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 I didn't call you a psychopath. I told you your callous attitude toward other people's pain is the sign of a psychopath. Do me a favor, and don't try to pull that manipulative nonsense. If that struck a nerve, think about why. Umm, because it was a useless insult? Are you proud of your attitude? Are you going to have a whole lot of self-respect when this is over? Did you even read any of my post? Or did you just go on the rampage when you saw the letters 'OW'?
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