The Loser. How many can you spot?

[justanothermother]

I just read this article by "Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist" called "The Loser" Which of these traits can you spot in your mate?

 

1. Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.

 

 

2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

 

 

3. Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

 

 

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

 

 

5. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

 

 

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

 

 

7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

 

 

8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they're gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area - as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month!"

They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they don't have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

 

 

9. No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

 

 

10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.

 

 

11. Public Embarrassment In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser".

 

 

12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

 

 

13. Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.

 

 

14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.

 

 

15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way.

 

 

16. The Waitress Test It's been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how they'll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt - hit the road.

 

 

17. The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.

 

 

18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

 

 

19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

 

 

20. They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done.

 

Mine has: 2, 4, 6, 7, 12, 13, 14, 18, 19

What a great guy I picked to father my kids, huh?

[polywog]

This list is missing: 21) THE BAD TIPPER.

 

A person who won't leave a waitperson or housekeeper at the hotel a decent tip.

 

To me that's the ultimate sign of a Loser, The Tip of a Festering Evil Iceberg.

 

The sign of a greater cancer.

 

etc.

[Art_Critic]

Good luck finding someone male or female with none of those traits..

[climbergirl]

This list is missing: 21) THE BAD TIPPER.

 

A person who won't leave a waitperson or housekeeper at the hotel a decent tip.

 

To me that's the ultimate sign of a Loser, The Tip of a Festering Evil Iceberg.

 

The sign of a greater cancer.

 

etc.

 

 

I judge a person on this, too.

 

Narcissism.

[VirtualInsanity]

Good luck finding someone male or female with none of those traits..

I agree. While I was reading that I was naming off people I know. Quite sad actually.

[justanothermother]

Good luck finding someone male or female with none of those traits..

I don't have any of those traits.... if anything I am a people pleaser at best and a total doormat at worst. Probably co-dependant to boot but I'm no psychologist.

[polywog]

Good luck finding someone male or female with none of those traits..

 

I can honestly say that I have none of those traits (and can offer proof), and I would be surprised if You Do! I am also an excellent tipper.

 

If you have some of those traits, then which ones do you have???

[polywog]

I judge a person on this, too.

 

Narcissism.

 

You got it! And throw in a dash of self-entitlement (maybe a trait of narcissism, but sometimes a separate evil trait unto itself).

[Art_Critic]

obviously some of those are the the DV wheel..and are way out in left field.. but I would think that just about everybody at one time or another has exhibited at least one of those traits at one time or another..

 

The other thing is that we view ourselves differently than other people view us.

You might be surprised what other people think of the little things we do in our personalities..

[pricillia]

Yeah I think that all of these traits should only be an issue if they are taken to the extreme, but being with someone like the article describes could be very damaging, I wonder if the "Loser" knows what he or she is actually doing to the other person, if they can change and what it would take of them to actually change.

 

To the OP, I hope that you have support because it does not seem like you are living a very good life, if this is the way you are being treated.

[polywog]

obviously some of those are the the DV wheel..and are way out in left field.. but I would think that just about everybody at one time or another has exhibited at least one of those traits at one time or another..

 

The other thing is that we view ourselves differently than other people view us.

You might be surprised what other people think of the little things we do in our personalities..

 

geez, maybe I have all of those traits (except how I treat waitstaff and tip) anf that's why I was dumped.

[amaysngrace]

Okay so is my BF a loser then? He gets break-up panic. How many of these things does someone need to be a loser?

[justanothermother]

To the OP, I hope that you have support because it does not seem like you are living a very good life, if this is the way you are being treated.

 

I really don't have any close friends where I am and my family is a dysfunctional mess who would only my my problems worse. It's hard because I can't tell if I am being emotionally abused or not. Physical and verbal abuse is easy to spot. Emotional abuse has so many shades of gray. I don't know what to think.

 

On good days he ignores me all together and on bad days he treats me like I'm diseased. Just when I feel like I can't take another day of having affection and attention withheld from me without suffering some kind of breakdown, he'll be really loving to me again for a couple of weeks and then goes right back into his old behaviors. I just know that I feel trapped and alone. Thank god for my kids or I probably would have killed myself by now.

[justanothermother]

Okay so is my BF a loser then? He gets break-up panic. How many of these things does someone need to be a loser?

I'm sorry I forgot to add this which was a part of said article:

 

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser" in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present - it's not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by "The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.

[Art_Critic]

If he doesn't add something to your life other than loneliness and misery then show him the door..

[justanothermother]

If he doesn't add something to your life other than loneliness and misery then show him the door..

Unless I want to go to a shelter with two infants that's not an option for me at this time. It's something I have to work on. Get my ducks in a row so to speak...

[Clair]

Sorry, but there is no "looser" category in psychology. I don't understand this need to label people, because somebody said so.

[amaysngrace]

Unless I want to go to a shelter with two infants that's not an option for me at this time. It's something I have to work on. Get my ducks in a row so to speak...

 

Hey I've been right where you are now. And I can so relate about a women's shelter not being an option.

 

My exH had every trait. 'Cept they forgot to mention the anger that comes from a guy with a small package. Look for a small package Ladies.

 

Not saying that all guys with small packages have anger issues, but if they do watch out.

[Art_Critic]

Unless I want to go to a shelter with two infants that's not an option for me at this time. It's something I have to work on. Get my ducks in a row so to speak...

 

You are allowing him to control you and your happiness and well as your children's.

I can't begin know what you are feeling but I have been in an abusive marriage and know from experience that it only get worse from here.

 

I wouldn't wait very long.. even if a shelter is where you go.. By staying all that is happening is your self esteem is going further in the tank making it tougher to get away as time goes by.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

2 and 8 are the only ones that do not apply to my H! OY VEY!

[Wantingtogetitright]

This list is missing: 21) THE BAD TIPPER.

 

A person who won't leave a waitperson or housekeeper at the hotel a decent tip.

 

To me that's the ultimate sign of a Loser, The Tip of a Festering Evil Iceberg.

 

The sign of a greater cancer.

 

etc.

 

tipping is just not done in Australia. When I first moved here I went to tip my hairdresser. They were most insulted.!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

'Cept they forgot to mention the anger that comes from a guy with a small package. Look for a small package Ladies.

Roflmao!!!! :lmao:

[Totoro]

Unless I want to go to a shelter with two infants that's not an option for me at this time. It's something I have to work on. Get my ducks in a row so to speak...

 

Just Another Mother,

 

This sounds awful. Is there anyone you can stay with?

A friend or relative--just temporarily?

They have services for battered women in most cities...even if you're not being physically battered, it sounds like you are being emotionally/verbally battered.

Really, it seems like *anything* is better than staying with this guy.

Please get help ASAP.

[stockmos]

I read this article some time ago and found it fascinating. First off, I freely admit to having characteristic 2, which I do think is the most common. Lots of people fall head over heels very quickly - it was no 2 I took most issue with as being a "loser" characteristic, but maybe because I have it myself.

 

My girlfriend has characteristics 4, 8, 12, 19, which is what partly led me to choose to have an affair with someone who had characteristics 2 and 3 (those being the ones I know of).

 

But my previous girlfriend had none of the characteristics.

[justanothermother]

Just Another Mother,

 

This sounds awful. Is there anyone you can stay with?

A friend or relative--just temporarily?

They have services for battered women in most cities...even if you're not being physically battered, it sounds like you are being emotionally/verbally battered.

Really, it seems like *anything* is better than staying with this guy.

Please get help ASAP.

 

No I have nowhere to go, even for a few days. All the friends I was close to (all three of them) can't help me. Two of them don't live anywhere near me anymore, both are going through some serious problems and I can't impose on them right now. The one that is still here is living with an abuser right now and we barely talk. She is brainwashed and has no plans to leave.

 

My family is toxic. I try and stay away from them as much as possible. they can not help me, just bring more dysfunction into my life as they all love to create and feed off of drama and chaos.

 

I called a battered woman's shelter awhile back to ask for some sort of help. I asked what was available to me in my given situation. Know what they told me? NOTHING. That's right there's nothing they can do for me because I'm not getting the snot kicked out of me on a daily basis.

 

I am not taking my kids to a homeless shelter. They are horrible and I'd have no where to take my kids during the day while it's cold out. I don't even have a car.

 

I have to put them first. They are safe, happy, and secure here. The only one who is suffering is me and I never show it in front of my kids. I put on my game face, suck it up, and put on my "Happy Mommy" mask. I am never yelled at or such. They don't see any fighting.

 

He just makes me feel like a stupid, worthless, ugly, unloved, unwanted, failure on a daily basis. He finds fault in everything. I can not please him in any way. He withholds attention, affection, and he shys away from my touch (for example if he's watching TV and I sit down next to him and my leg accidently touches his, even for a second, he'll get up and move) and does not sleep in the same bed as me. When he's not ignoring me, I am treated with contempt.

 

Before anyone asks, yes I have tried telling him how I feel and what this does to me but he just tells me it's my own fault. In the past I have bent over backwards to try and make things better between us but it accomplished nothing. Now I just try and stay out of his way.

 

I can't wait to get out of this situation. I hate feeling like this.