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Hi everyone;

 

So I have a huge problem, which leaves me doubting myself. Am I bad because of who I am? Is this a variable in my difinition which I may alter?

 

I'm dating a great girl, but she says she feels no emotional connection to me and doesn't understand why. It isn't that she doens't appreciate me, admire certain aspects of me, or even care for me, and vice-versa. It's more that she feels I'm not open enough emotionally to her. I care for her and I express it (I think), and I feel I express my frustrations as well.

 

I will be honest, I'm an extremely calculated person. I choose my battles, and don't let the little things take me down. As such, I don't feel the little things are always neccessarily important enough for discussion. I don't mean that I'm not always open and listening to her, I'm there for her in that account. For myself, I just feel that if someone does a small thing that affects me, most often I will let it slide.

 

If it occurs too often, I retain only the knowledge of it having occured before, not the feeling associated to it, such that I am aware that perhaps something should be said. Theres no resentment. Her approach is that she prefers to express everything immediately, and if I'm not expressing all thigns at all times, then I'm not being fair.

 

My side of things, is that I'm a closed person. I offer my opportunity to people immediately, and am understanding of their faults. The deep trust though, which allows me to approach someone and talk to them completely openly and comfortably, takes a great deal of time for me to establish, or rather for others to establish with me.

 

My short explanation is that trust must be earned, not simply given away. In my heart and in my mind, this is very fair. I'll offer anyone the world of mine, simply should they take the time to EARN my trust, for myself to feel comfortable enough. My definteion of friendship is extremely constrained, and as such, there is only a single person whom I consider a true friend (family doesn't count), and I see as high potential for joining that group.

 

I'm not stringing her along until I'm ready, it's simply an awareness deep inside myself, which is as undefinable as consciousness. At a certain moment, the door will open, and the only way for that door to open is to somehow demonstrate loyalty, strength and compassion over time. I can give her a map and all the tools, but she still has to do the walking through the maze. I'm even there walking it with her.

 

I guess the deep seeded truth is that if someone isn't willing to stick it out in the short run, then I am not comfortable enough in believing they will stick it out in the long run. This where my true confusion lies; faith. The one thing I wish to see the world understand more deeply is faith. Not belief in God, but the root behind that. That deep understanding, vision and trust that it's ok. Is my feeling just an altered definition of what I'm asking for? Am I wrong to ask for that trust for trust in return? Am I playing a game of give me first and I'll return perhaps? Do I need to give away my trust, or must it be earned?

 

Am I wrong to take my time in estalishing trust over a period of time rather than immediately? I look at the most successful relationships, and my perception is that they took a great number of years to establish all that they have at present, which includes that trust. Please advise if you feel I am mistaken.

 

At present she is extremely at odds with me, and is doubtful of a future. I expressed that I am always willing to work towards self-improvement, which includes ameliorating my communications skills. Included though was the stipulation that I wish to do it as an exercise together. To me it's very important to do thigns together, which will also give true practice to improvement. One thing which I thought of later, which I didn't have time to express was that this would also open me up to her much more easily. Should I attempt to do it alone, or if we weren't to bother even trying in that direction, I would feel a sense of loss.

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