lovelorcet Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Of course I was angry and deeply hurt but I also took the time to look at the situation as objectively as I could and try to find where I had also gone wrong.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 But that takes awhile. We all have different circumstances. One of her circumstances is that she's trapped by a suicidal husband. Sure, she could dump him but right now she obviously still cares. We all go through the angry, bitter stage where everything is that arsehole/b!tches fault. We look to all the negative things we ever saw in them, dredge them up and empower ourselves back. I've always hated admitting weakness. I sense that Greggie is similar in that way. We prefer to lash out versus rely on sympathy or pity. It's a different way of processing pain, stress, anger and most of all, loss of something vital.
Author Greggie Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 We all had our reasons for joining this forum, lovelorcet. Your wife of 10 years left you and you had no clue why. When I wrote my long story, you took a shot at me, with little understanding of my situation. Some men do not like household chores, like my husband. We have had many fights around that. That does not diminish the fact we love each other. After his affair, he changed that to some degree but not quite. The sex shyness is from my prude background, plus I was a virgin when I got married. Love, intimacy and sex all go together in my book. That's why I couldn't go astray as my husband did. For what, to get even? to prove something? No, it is wrong and I will stand by it, for as long as I'm still married. He wouldn't leave me and would rather change for the better for me so why the divorce? For what? To find a better guy? What could be better than someone who has been with you for almost 25 years and who is willing to change, this late in life, to meet my expectations? I just lament about the unevenness of the sex desires. And if only...if only... that does not stand in the way, then there would not have been any reason for me to be chatting here with you online.
Woggle Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I apologize for coming across so hostile before but the tone of your earlier posts came across very anti-male even if that is not what you meant. I have been cheated on before so I do what it is like and I understand why the resentment is still there. In my case I divorced her and instead of trying to kill herself she tried to kill me when she found out I was remarrying. If you do to choose to stay with him the resentment needs to be dealt with it and both of you need to put it behind you and come to a common ground for the marriage to work. Maybe you two can get some counseling.
Author Greggie Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 I hope you learned something out of this though, Woggle and Lovelorcet. I was vocal about things that upset me in a man-woman relationship. Don't close yourselves right away just because you don't like the way it comes across. I could be the vocal identity of the women that left you. So listen up to the lament about inequality or unevenness of power and learn. Don't shoot me, I am just the messenger.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Greggie, did you learn something from this too?
Author Greggie Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 (Pardon me, trialbyfire, I'm in between this chat and a serious tutoring session with one of my kids. It's almost 5:00 a.m. in my eal time zone and I still have a business meeting to attend at 10:30 a.m. today. ) Absolutely. I realized how much my husband loves me and willing to do anything to win me back, and more. One thing I noticed in the discussion is the propensity to suggest a separation or divorce. And I am guilty too, to a large extent. However, it is shocking to realize how casually it happens. My husband would rather die than leave our relationship. It is almost unheard of. The man should be commended.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Greggie, it's time for you to walk a mile in Woggle's and Lovelorcet's shoes too. Woggle has apologized to you and has tried to make you understand his perspective. He has a history with serious abuse from women so this was something I can respect. Lovelorcet, I don't know his whole story but he has also backed off. Both of them have experienced cheating so they can understand clearly what it felt like. Don't take the offensive with these guys. If anything, an apology is in order for you. Respect these guys. I'm nobody on LS. Not a mod or anyone. What I see is a strong woman who needs help and needs to heal, but doesn't know how to ask for it. I'd like you to stay and heal. It's what I did and it worked for me.
lovelorcet Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Here we go again... I do not find that commendable at all... A psychologically healthy person would not rather die then end a relationship. Your husband sounds pretty damn codependent and seems to have a low self-worth. I really think both of you have issues and should look into counseling .
Author Greggie Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Enough of your canned advice already, lovelorcet. You need to learn a lot more and expand your horizons. Things are not always reducible to the least common denominator. In the same vein, a marriage is not reducible to sex compatibility. We were born with brains and a heart, not just mojos. That is what my thoughts are consistent about. And to your relief, I sign off. But stay thinking... Thanks trialbyfire. You should be in counselling or conflict resolution. Have you heard of Carl Jung? He's awesome. Read his stuff. He is the best. His theories are behind the Star Wars series, Batman, Superman among others.
lovelorcet Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 So here are some issues that seem to keep coming up. You want see yourself as superwoman, doing the wife role, the mommy role, the housekeeper role, the bread winner, etc.. Well you know what, most people can't do it all and you are over tiered and frustrated and that builds resentment. You were sexually inexperienced yourself before you got into this marriage and you seem to push that resentment also onto your husband. He cheated and believe me I know how that feels, again more resentment. You wanted to leave and he tried to kill himself, trapping you in this relationship... More resentment? He wants sex more than you... resentment... He was never taught how to meet your physical and emotional needs in bed... more resentment from you??? How do you plan to go about dealing with these issues? Lashing out at me isn't going to get you very far at all.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 My problem is, I resent the idea of having sex with him. And this is from the beginning of our marriage. Greggie, your Husband's conduct, as you describe it, it reprehensible. But, based on the above quote, do you you see how a certain challenging dynamic was established in your marriage from day one? Your spouse has done a lousy job of meeting your emotional needs. But feeling as you did "from the beginning of (your) marriage", how could you meet his emotional needs? I don't mean his need for orgasms, housecleaning or income, I mean his need to be loved? I think that is what some of my fellow male posters are asking... Mr. Lucky
HopeForMe Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I went through something similiar in my first marriage. I was married for fifteen years and much like you, when I married I was inexperienced and he had more than I. Same things. Lack of communication, etc. We had two children together. He cheated. I got on with my life while I gave him time to sort his out. Of course it was hurtful. We did the marriage counselling thing and at the end of the day he did threaten suicide. Here is where I got tough. Finally. I told him if he took his own life that he could do that as it was up to him but I would not be forced to feel bad for it because it was over choices he made during our relationship and his choice to take his life. I then picked up the phone and alerted his mom, brothers, sisters, and his father, plus his grandmother. It was now up to them as I was done with being supermommy, sexkitten (whenever he wanted and he was much like your husband just focused on himself and never touched me unless it lead to his orgasming), housekeeper, laundress, and etc. He did work on himself and got himself together but by the time he wanted to come back and make it right it was too late. I picked up and moved on. I was happier in my life, my kids were adjusting and now after three years, I'm engaged to be married again and this time I made sure that everything was right and I had a partner that was on board with everything I needed. At the end of the day Greggie the thing is you're responsible for you, he's responsible for him. You have the right to be happy in all that you do and live for just as he does and it does sound like a marriage with very little love. I'm not bashing you at all but I am telling you I've been there and done that and while it hurt like hell the first six months, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't waste your entire life on something that isn't going anywhere. Thats all.
MrsHellFire Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Sometimes people come across as stronger or harsher than they intend, particularly when they're in pain. To reit her circumstances: a) Husband does has never met her sexual needs. b) Husband cheated. c) She wants a divorce. d) He threatens to commit suicide and attempts it. e) She reconsiders due to not wanting to be the driving force behind another suicide attempt, successful or otherwise. f) She's not getting any help from anyone. Lighten up with the feminist crap. She's got enough on her hands. I agree. It's absurd how the op is getting all this flack when the husband seems a little cuckoo to begin with.
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