Sick of obligatory sex

[Greggie]

I am married for many years now and 2 years ago my H cheated on me. He went to Washington DC to meet up with an ex-grilfriend who was her first sex partner. In less than 24 hrs, they had 3 sex sessions. His excuse for going to DC was some kind of a conference he had to attend in lieu of a friend who couldn't make it. I had my suspisions already with this lame excuse. Before he left, he was emotionally and verbally abusive and made a lot of issues about me and about our relationship. When I was talking him out of it, I confessed about how unsatisfied I had been with our sex. I told him how I swept this under the rug from the time we got married as I loved him and that there were other things more important.

 

To cut a long sotry short, he came back after the tryst, I found out a few days later what he actually did (he did not confess - I snooped in the computer and found all sorts of evidences about what they did), I confronted him, we had many sessions of talking about it. We also talked a lot about separating, divorce, etc. all of which we did not pursue for the sake of the kids and the economic hardships that this would cause both of us. Afterall, we are really good friends too, if we take out the sex part. He asked for forgiveness and was truly remorseful. I forgave him, on condition that we would start again with a new life, sort of. He had to be a new person, and I would adjust to him this way. This new person is what I want a husband to be - my own design of a partner in life. So far, we are doing good - he tried to be a better sex partner and by all accounts, he is doing fine. I have been having orgasams 99% of the time and have become sensitive to my own sexuality. Despite all this, I have also made it clear to him that the door is wide open, in case he decides this family thing with me is no longer appealing to me. In short, I have kicked him out of our relationship except I gave him the option as to when he wants to go, which is fine by me. The idea is to give him the opportunity to make his own decisions about what he wants to do with his life and not to shackle him in. People should not be prison of a marriage. If love is no longer there or if love is meant for someone else, there is no point of living together because of the marriage institution. If he wants this ex-girlfriend more than me, it is only right that they live together. The same thing with me.

 

My problem is, I resent the idea of having sex with him. And this is from the beginning of our marriage. I don't think there is a way that a few of his bad habits will change. I think it is because his first sex excperience is with a prostitute and his first real relationship with this ex-girlfriend of his made them explore sex per se, devoid of emotions, just pure hedonism. In my case, sex is the apex of intimacy and it has to be focused on me for me to enjoy it. In my H's case, he only gets amorous with me if he wants sex. That is, he cannot hug and cuddle me if it will not lead to his own orgasm. There is hardly any foreplay and the ending is also abrupt - intimacy is gone and we then we just go about with the business of running the family. He has never done sex with me for MY sake. Every now and then, I dream of doing it with my other former loves (I was a technical virgin whan I got married) and I know it is bad because it is against my religious beliefs and could hurt other people, including H and my children.

 

I don't know how many wives out there are in this same rut. My H and I are in our mid-50s and honestly, I couldn't wait for the mojo to stop working anymore as a complication of his diabetes. I think that is the only way that he could truly see things the way they really are. I think I married to the wrong guy and I have no other recourse but to take it.

 

Can anybody comment?

[StayClose]

If you didn't enjoy sex with him at the beginning of the relationship, then why did you marry him????

[Greggie]

That's the peril of not having had premarital sex.

[justpassingthrough]

In my case, sex is the apex of intimacy and it has to be focused on me for me to enjoy it.

 

I have to admit this part of your post stood out because it appears to say that if H doesn't focus on making you happy, you aren't happy, and that you aren't interested in what makes him happy.

 

Is that correct?

[Greggie]

The title of my thread is "obligatory sex". I make him happy all the time. His only focus is himself, that's the problem. He gets amorous and shows intimacy, not because he loves me but because he wants an orgasm. This has to be dealt with, whether or not I am in the mood for it. I feel like I own a tool that he needs from time to time for his orgasm.

[lovelorcet]

Sorry OP but I think you have some serious issues...

 

Have you thought about going and talking to someone?

[a4a]

The title of my thread is "obligatory sex". I make him happy all the time. His only focus is himself, that's the problem. He gets amorous and shows intimacy, not because he loves me but because he wants an orgasm. This has to be dealt with, whether or not I am in the mood for it. I feel like I own a tool that he needs from time to time for his orgasm.

 

for some reason I doubt you have let your H know that this is how you feel.

[Greggie]

And I am at issue here?

[a4a]

And I am at issue here?

 

It takes two........

 

If you sit there and just take it and let him walk all over you..... yep, that is your doing.

 

You allow it.

 

Have you said anything?

[Greggie]

Last night when he was amorous again, I told him to stop firing himself up more as I was not gonna do it. Afterall, I am just hitting the sack at 12:30 a.m., after washing the dishes, cleaning up the mess, seeing what my kids are up to, and doing horrendous work at home installing soundproofing (whish he helped do) in the basement, sewing curtains, a bed skirt, a dog's new bed and repotting half a dozen plants. Man, he just had an orgasm Saturday morning. I thought I should deal with it before the weekend so we could get the usual weekend chores done.

 

I told him to start learning to display intimacy without focusing on sex as this would be the only way he could relate to me if his sex life is finally killed by his diabetes.

[lovelorcet]

You sound like you yourself know very little about intimacy and of course this is all your husband's fault because he banged some hooker before you got to him.

 

 

You sound so cold and bitter, I am really surprised that your husband is even interested in having sex with you.

 

You also have a lot to learn about what intimacy is for a man.

[Trialbyfire]

This is from allowing this situation to build up to flashpoint. Here's an idea. Take the initiative and romance him. Let him understand that you want to be the aggressor but that you do expect reciprocal treatment next time. Then show him and tell him what you really want, while engaged in intimacy. If this is handled in a positive and erotic fashion, you might be surprised at what he's capable of doing.

 

It really sounds like he has no idea what intimacy is about if his first and second experiences were emotionally distant. Be the teacher, not the disciplinarian if you want this to work out and want him in your life.

 

He does need to somehow fix the trust issue in any way possible though, which is probably part of the reason why you're now lashing out at him. Cheating is no way to handle marital issues. On the flip side, if you're willing to take him back, you have to be firmly committed to this course of action.

 

Hope this makes sense.

[Mr. Lucky]

And I am at issue here?

Your husband's considerable issues aside, I'm wondering if you realize how you sound:

 

This new person is what I want a husband to be - my own design of a partner in life.

My problem is, I resent the idea of having sex with him. And this is from the beginning of our marriage.

In my case, sex is the apex of intimacy and it has to be focused on me for me to enjoy it.

 

I don't think either of you are currently well situated to address your problems...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Greggie]

Maybe I should start charging him for sex. Ha-ha. Except I make more money than he does.

[a4a]

Maybe I should start charging him for sex. Ha-ha. Except I make more money than he does.

 

....... you sound like you resent the hell out of him.

[Greggie]

The moral of the story for you men out there who still want to believe that the world revolves around you is that times have changed. If you want gratification, so do we. If we know how to wash dishes, you should too. If we are too tired when we finally get the chance to hit the sack, after you ahve been sleeping for 3 hours already, do not expect a fresh dewed-up flower waiting for you to smell. If you can go have a one-night stand with an ex-lover, so can we.

 

And for women who want to succumb to the weaker sex stereotype, go get your own education and careers. You will still end up doing most of the laundy and even laying bricks on your walkway, but at least, you can pretty much keep the door open, in case he decides you are too much for him the handle.

[Trialbyfire]

The moral of the story for you men out there who still want to believe that the world revolves around you is that times have changed. If you want gratification, so do we. If we know how to wash dishes, you should too. If we are too tired when we finally get the chance to hit the sack, after you ahve been sleeping for 3 hours already, do not expect a fresh dewed-up flower waiting for you to smell. If you can go have a one-night stand with an ex-lover, so can we.

 

And for women who want to succumb to the weaker sex stereotype, go get your own education and careers. You will still end up doing most of the laundy and even laying bricks on your walkway, but at least, you can pretty much keep the door open, in case he decides you are too much for him the handle.

Greggie, do you want to make an honest go of this or are you holding onto him to punish him?

[Greggie]

I don't know trialfire. Your suggestions are awesome but I notice a lot of macho-focused comments coming around. We should contribute constructively to forums like this. I am honestly having a huge problem here. And this did not start after the affair. His attempt to improve his sexual performance is a change I welcome from the ended affair, a blessing in disguise, so to speak. However, it has been 2 years and I still do not feel completely floored. I reserved my chastity to the man I was gonna marry but looking back, the premarital experience would have been good, at least to allow me to generalize that there is no such thing as female-satisfying copulation. It should also have made me more vocal, to tell him I like this, I like that, I do not like this, stop that, etc., which I am too shy to say.

[enoughisenough]

The marriage needs to be dissolved.

He had affairs, your relationship and sex life isn't working, so why even bother any more? Yeah, the poor kids but they aren't exactly toddlers anymore I'm guessing. A lot of children deal with divorce and end up just fine as long as both parents continue to be a part of their lives.

He's making an effort, but it's not really jaw-dropping. It's a shame you waited this long to let your needs be known and try to fix him, which is probably not going to work anyways.

[Trialbyfire]

Try it a little at a time then, instead of taking a more aggressive role. One suggestion per session like "baby, I like it when you do [insert requirement here] to me, it makes me hot". It's best to suggest this during your time of intimacy so you can let some shyness go. Afterwards, curl up with him by placing your head in the crook of his neck and shoulder. If he's not one to chat, just enjoy the physical contact of being close to someone.

[a4a]

Yep....... STALEMATE.

 

This one is going no place fast.

[enoughisenough]

Another interesting comment from you is that you hope for his diabetes to worsen just so he doesn't have sex with you anymore. Do you know how ridiculous and awful this sounds? On one hand you want better sex and on the other you don't want it at all. And the worst part is that his health is the bottom priority on your mind. It doesn't sound like there really is much left to this relationship imo.

[katiebour]

I am married for many years now and 2 years ago my H cheated on me. He went to Washington DC to meet up with an ex-grilfriend who was her first sex partner. In less than 24 hrs, they had 3 sex sessions.

 

Before he left, he was emotionally and verbally abusive and made a lot of issues about me and about our relationship.

 

When I was talking him out of it, I confessed about how unsatisfied I had been with our sex.

 

We also talked a lot about separating, divorce, etc. all of which we did not pursue for the sake of the kids and the economic hardships that this would cause both of us.

 

Afterall, we are really good friends too, if we take out the sex part.

 

He had to be a new person, and I would adjust to him this way. This new person is what I want a husband to be - my own design of a partner in life. So far, we are doing good - he tried to be a better sex partner and by all accounts, he is doing fine. I have been having orgasams 99% of the time and have become sensitive to my own sexuality.

 

Despite all this, I have also made it clear to him that the door is wide open, in case he decides this family thing with me is no longer appealing to me. In short, I have kicked him out of our relationship except I gave him the option as to when he wants to go, which is fine by me.

 

My problem is, I resent the idea of having sex with him. And this is from the beginning of our marriage. I don't think there is a way that a few of his bad habits will change. I think it is because his first sex excperience is with a prostitute and his first real relationship with this ex-girlfriend of his made them explore sex per se, devoid of emotions, just pure hedonism. In my case, sex is the apex of intimacy and it has to be focused on me for me to enjoy it. In my H's case, he only gets amorous with me if he wants sex. That is, he cannot hug and cuddle me if it will not lead to his own orgasm. There is hardly any foreplay and the ending is also abrupt - intimacy is gone and we then we just go about with the business of running the family. He has never done sex with me for MY sake.

 

My H and I are in our mid-50s and honestly, I couldn't wait for the mojo to stop working anymore as a complication of his diabetes. I think that is the only way that he could truly see things the way they really are. I think I married to the wrong guy and I have no other recourse but to take it.

 

Hm... let me see if I can break this down:

 

1. Your H cheated on you with an ex- planned and carried out a trip where he had sex 3 times in 1 day with someone else.

 

2. You have issues other than the sex, to the point where your husband would like to end the marriage- which you talked him out of.

 

3. You are unsatisfied with your sex life.

 

4. You chose to stay together for kids and for money.

 

5. You have a good relationship other than the intimacy (? doesn't sound like it if he is emotionally and verbally abusive)

 

6. You decided that he would have to put up or leave, and remake him into what you want him to be. He's been delivering in the orgasms department but not emotionally.

 

7. You don't really care if he goes or stays- you give him the option to get out at any time and "it's fine by you"

 

8. You dislike sex with him because he only does it when he wants to, and sex is short and emotionally unsatisfying.

 

9. You can't wait until you don't have to have sex with him anymore.

 

So to sum it up, you have an unsatisfying marriage (for both parties), unsatisfying sex, cheating, you don't care if he leaves, and can't wait until his libido dies completely so you can have the platonic friendship that you feel is your marriage's only strength.

 

He give you no affection, initiates only short and self-centered sex, and when that doesn't satisfy him, goes elsewhere for his gratification.

 

It sounds like there is no love in your marriage.

 

I don't know if you can fix that- either live with it or end it.

I'm sorry for your unhappiness, and for his too.

[Greggie]

People, it was me who asked for separation and/or divorce after his tryst. But he was gonna kill himself instead of being separated. He even bought additional insurance and stopped taking his medications to commit aggravated suicide until I foiled it. He swore that was the first and last time that he went astray. And he had been changing himself according to what we discussed to be his pathological attributes (including being selfish, emotionally abusive and lazy at home). I wanted a separation so bad and I still doo, believe it or not, but I could not do it for fear he might kill himself. So then I become the author of his death and I live with it. But let's focus on the intimacy issue. Is it just me or is it common that women become tired of sex if they fnd themselves asking "What's in it for me" before and after? Or, how many women out there ask themselves this question of What's in it for me?

[Greggie]

Coz he's not capable of giving good sex. He had to go to Washington DC to get the same observation for his perverted ex-girlfriend who left him to bang a married man. His other girlfriend left him to be with a lesbian