bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 An ex and I are on friendly terms, we occasionally send emails, and once a month or so talk on the phone. I have no intentions or desires of getting back together, it's just that we spent 2 years together and are friends. So...he emailed me last week a couple days before my birthday and said "You have a birthday coming up. Any big plans?" that's all the email said. Is this his way of trying to see if I am dating someone? We never discuss if we are dating anyone, I figure it's none of my business and good for him if he is. I answered with a friendly "yes I'll be 39 for the next 20 years" but didn't address his question of if I had "big plans" for my birthday. Just wondering why he would write that. On my actual birthday he did leave me a voice message but didn't ask about my plans. I know in the big scheme of things, this question is not vitally imporant, I was just curious again as to male behavior. That sort of seemed like an intrusive question to me.
Pyro Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 An ex and I are on friendly terms, we occasionally send emails, and once a month or so talk on the phone. I have no intentions or desires of getting back together, it's just that we spent 2 years together and are friends. So...he emailed me last week a couple days before my birthday and said "You have a birthday coming up. Any big plans?" that's all the email said. Is this his way of trying to see if I am dating someone? We never discuss if we are dating anyone, I figure it's none of my business and good for him if he is. I answered with a friendly "yes I'll be 39 for the next 20 years" but didn't address his question of if I had "big plans" for my birthday. Just wondering why he would write that. On my actual birthday he did leave me a voice message but didn't ask about my plans. I know in the big scheme of things, this question is not vitally imporant, I was just curious again as to male behavior. That sort of seemed like an intrusive question to me. It could mean that he may have something planned for you or he is interested in that aspect of your life. It is tough to tell though just by that question alone. How long ago did the two of you break-up?
Author bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 We broke up in August after 2 years of a serious relationship.
3hundred Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 If you are still friends and exchange emails and occasionally talk on the phone, I would say asking a question about your birthday may only show a sign of friendship. You might have had birthday celebrations with all your friends in the past year, I wouldnt know, so I am just guessing that he would have liked to be part of a big plan, if you had one. It is very rare that when couples break up, they have identical feelings for the break up and for one another, so as much as you might not like to get back with him, he might still have feelings for you and that would only fire his curiosity about what you have and dont have in your life so far... Even then, I dont see that as an intrusive question at all, unless there have been more questions similar to that one that you havent mentioned here..
Pyro Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 We broke up in August after 2 years of a serious relationship. That is a tough call because at this point it is tough to tell whether he is over you or not. Couldn't hurt to ask him why he asked you that.
norajane Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 That sounds like a standard birthday question to me. Lots of people ask that sort of thing. You're reading to much into it by even asking what it means or why he asked. No, he's not asking if you're dating anyone. It was just a casual - and typical - question.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 My last 2 birthdays were spent alone with him, he took me to a romantic restaurant, flowers, jewelry, etc. I was just wondering if he was being nostalgic about my last 2 birthdays we had spent together. The reason we broke up is because his 2 teenage kids were very disrespectful and rude to both me and him, and he wanted me to move in and take the next step of engagement. I knew I wouldn't be happy in a house where there was yelling and screaming teenagers. I had tried to warm up to them, gave them lots of time alone with their dad, he had taken them to family counseling, etc. he still has trouble with them, it's a very dysfunctional family situation and has not gotten any better since the breakup (his words). So it wasn't because of lack of feelings we broke up, I just couldn't handle the kids situation and they obviously are so desperately unhappy I didn't want to make things worse for them (and most importantly myself and my sanity.) Guess I went on here. If you are still friends and exchange emails and occasionally talk on the phone, I would say asking a question about your birthday may only show a sign of friendship. You might have had birthday celebrations with all your friends in the past year, I wouldnt know, so I am just guessing that he would have liked to be part of a big plan, if you had one. It is very rare that when couples break up, they have identical feelings for the break up and for one another, so as much as you might not like to get back with him, he might still have feelings for you and that would only fire his curiosity about what you have and dont have in your life so far... Even then, I dont see that as an intrusive question at all, unless there have been more questions similar to that one that you havent mentioned here..
TheSwordfish Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I think I can read something in between the lines here. You read into this question so much because you are still into him. Maybe he is into you as well. I do wonder why, if things went wrong for obvious reasons, you would stay friends. Is it because the two of you still want to have some kind of relationship but the external factors are in your way, or is is actually a friendship?
Author bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Well we would still be together if it weren't for his kids' dysfunctional situation and him not really doing anything about it. We were together for two years, work in the same field (teachers) and broke up basically because I wasn't going to the next level because of his family situation. We've gotten together twice, for dinner, we live an hour away from each other. It's just not going to happen because his kids are miserable to live with. We like each other, we're friends. we're not on the phone a lot, and like I said email eavery once in a while. I was just wondering if maybe his question "are you having big plans for your birthday" meant he was fishing to see if I was seeing anyone. But I've been offered a teaching job in the Pacific NW, I haven't even told him about it. I'm pretty excited about this opportunity (although not 100% sure I"m going to take it I have to decide by the end of this week.) More than you wanted to know. I guess I am effectively moving on from the relationship because it simply wouldn't work longterm, or at least in another 4 years when his teenage kids had both graduated high school....so it was tough but the best thing for me was to move on from this romantic relationship.
TheSwordfish Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 haha, nope, not more then I wanted to know. I am a teacher as well I'm trying to understand your position. Actually loving someone, but not being able to be together because of a bad situation that person is in, seems quite hard to me. I guess I wouldn't stay friends with him because there was never real closure. Do you think being friends is worth it? Is it possible being friends without having those old feelings in teh back of your head? Would you be hurt if he had another woman in his life? I do think he was asking it with the intentions you mentioned though. Waiting 4 years seems like ages. I guess I would break all contact in a situation like that, because small things (like the birthday question) keep the candle burning.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 that's cool. you must be on Spring Break? lol or not in the U.S. well we have a lot in common, we really don't have THAT much contact with each other, an email here and there. And I'm really looking forward to moving to a different area of the country. I have this feeling since we have kept friendly contact he's not dating anyone, just from instinct of having been with him for 2 years. Also I think he wouldn't be emailing and calling? I guess I don't think it's hurting anything andhe's never asked to get back together or try to work it out. I guess he knows I won't because of the kids situation. OH well. I could do the NC thing, I'mnot really hung up on it, it would suck to lose him as a friend though.
TheSwordfish Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I Have the day off (And I'm not in the US ) Haha. decisions, decisions, decisions, If it is great job, I would go for it. You could sent his kids to bootcamp for four years And take the guy with you Have you been dating others?
Author bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Yes, I have been dating others. Nothing serious, no one has really "done it" for me lately but I have been focusing on my job search to get out of this certain city in the midwest. One great perk of breaking up with him, it really is a relief not to be around his kids anymore. They are obnoxious to be around. and I am a teacher who works with at-risk teenagers so I've seen it all. Enjoy your day off and possibly meet a beautiful woman. I suggest a bookstore.
amaysngrace Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I think he asked you so you'd know he still thinks you are special enough to remember your birthday. And also to make you think of your past two birthdays and how well he treated you on those days.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Thank you, Amy. I guess it doesn't have to be complicated or "fishing."
alphamale Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I know in the big scheme of things, this question is not vitally imporant, its not important at all....what's more impt is WHY are you friends with an ex? see...if you weren't "friends" then this would not even be an issue.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 we're both teachers, we have a lot in common...we ended our relationship without bitterness. The communication is not constant, it's every couple weeks, and maybe a phone call here and there....we've had dinner twice. it's usually just casual conversation, about our jobs, classes we're taking, yard work,stuff like that. I tried to point out that his question wasn't really an "issue," I was just wondering if he was fishing to see if I was dating someone else. Sort of an insight to male behavior. But there's no confusion or unpleasantness or tension between us. We both have accepted it's over (at least I have, and he has not done anything to initiate a reconciliation, which is good.) I guess we're friends and we like to talk is your answer?
alphamale Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 we're both teachers, we have a lot in common...we ended our relationship without bitterness. so what? I don't recommend friendships after being lovers... I was just wondering if he was fishing to see if I was dating someone else. if you're "just friends" then why would it matter what he was asking?
Author bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 I guess I was curious as if he WAS wondering if I was dating someone? I enjoy being friends with him. It hasn't been a problem so far. We havent' slept together or even kissed since we broke up in August....we enjoy conversation. If he were to start seeing someone else I could accept that. I am most likely moving to the Pacific NW in a couple months, so it's not like I would get back together with him, I'm excited about this change in my life....I don't agree that you can't be friends with an ex? in many cases, no...but I do think I will go NC as you are suggesting maybe I am pondering his question too much and I'm not saying you're wrong.
Pyro Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I guess I was curious as if he WAS wondering if I was dating someone? I enjoy being friends with him. It hasn't been a problem so far. We havent' slept together or even kissed since we broke up in August....we enjoy conversation. If he were to start seeing someone else I could accept that. I am most likely moving to the Pacific NW in a couple months, so it's not like I would get back together with him, I'm excited about this change in my life....I don't agree that you can't be friends with an ex? in many cases, no...but I do think I will go NC as you are suggesting maybe I am pondering his question too much and I'm not saying you're wrong. Just ask him. I don't see the problem with that.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 I think I might next time we speak. Maybe he did want to celebrate my birthday with me if I had no other plans. Ok. Case closed.
LakesideDream Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Bridget, speaking from experiance. Depending on your ex's maturity level, four years is not a "long time". He may realize that his over the top children will hamstring his romantic efforts as long as they are under his roof, and may have resigned himself to "four more years" of rough sailing. By the way, obnoxious or not.. he is doing right by his kids, which is very rare these days. For that he deserves more praise than he is getting, that's for sure. The guy sounds like he might be worth a longer look. Rome wasn't built in a day. I fully understand in todays "instant gratification" society that the first urge is to make something happen. Sometimes it's just not possible. I would like to think he is keeping in touch, biding his time until he can take another shot at a relationship with you. I didn't learn this type of patience until I was into my fifth decade, so I don't expect miracles from others. I suspect many never learn it. I'm 57, if I knew for a fact that I only had to "wait" four years for true happiness, I'd be on cloud nine, knowing the months would melt by like butter in Arizona. Anyhow, buck up.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Actually it would sound like a really noble guy to say that he gave me up for the sake of his kids, but I was the one who ended the relationship. He wanted to go to the next level and have me move in with the way things were! I had to say "no thank you" and ended the relationship. Also if you could see his parenting skills....he allowed his 14 year old daughter to yell and call him horrible names, then he would take her shopping for expensive jeans. These kids refused to do simple household chores, and he acted as their chauffeur on call whenever they wanted a ride to their friends' houses across town. I know, I was there. He told me time and time again how he felt horrible how his kids behaved but he felt his exwife who has them for 6 months of the year "ruined" them when they were with her. Take away the kids' aspect and we had a great loving relationship....but I am moving on. I will keep contact with him and remember the two years we had in a relationship fondly, and I'm sure he will too! It's just life. I want to move to a different area, anyway. Maybe I can find a guy without kids who I can start fresh with, and even have my own with. This was not a possibility with this guy, he didn't want more kids. Sometimes it it takes a lot more than love to keep a couple together, there are other factors. Thank you for your kind words, though!
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