capri Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 H and I are in marriage counseling. It's been a less than fun 18 years. However, I leave almost every session, whether it's been a joint or individual session, feeling depressed, angry, and hopeless. Shouldn't counseling be making me feel better in some way?
norajane Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 You have to talk to the counselor about the painful things in order to eventually work through them. So yes, it's going to hurt for while after the sessions. You're bringing out all the buried emotions, cleaning the wounds so they can heal, so to speak.
Woggle Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Sometimes you have to go through that pain for things to heal. If you pour peroxide on a bad cut it will burn but eventually it will heal. The same concept also applies to emotional wounds.
Wantingtogetitright Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 and not designed to but it is inevitable that it will. Also do not believe counselling will "fix" things. It is designed to uncover the real reasons/issues etc and give you the tools to work on them. Counselling may also bring to the realisation that the relationship simply will not work due to deep set core values or issues etc and it will give you tools to come to that realisation and how best to cope etc etc. It is not a magical elixir and if you hold the wrong expectations you will not appreciate the true benefits of it. Good luck and all the best.
amaysngrace Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I think counselling is on par with throwing up. Neither feels good at the time but you feel a lot better once it's over.
boshemia Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I think counselling is on par with throwing up. Neither feels good at the time but you feel a lot better once it's over. You do have a way with words : ) I have been through a few counselors in my lifetime... Most of them just didn't last. After a few sessions I felt like they weren't really helping and I quit. I almost did the same thing again this time... I went to a few sessions and then I stopped seeing him, but then six months later something inside woke up and I felt READY for counseling. During my first marriage... I left therapy with similar feelings, something just wasn't right. Nothing was really getting fixed, it seemed like we were just pulling the scabs off of wounds and leaving them open... ok, it's open, it's bleeding, now what? The now what for me turned out to be a marriage that just wasn't meant to work... your less than fun comment fits pretty well. I couldn't find a whole lot about the marriage that was worth saving, I was commited to saving it but I had NO idea why. He was abusive, he treated me like crap, and all the therapy in the world wasn't going to give him respect for me. Basically, he thought he loved me... but he didn't even like me. I'm sad it didn't work, but I am happy now. Happier than I ever was with him, happier than ever before... I suppose I'm trying to avoid saying this, but... maybe you don't really have a marriage TO save? I could be wrong, and I don't want you to take offense... just a guess... Yes, now that I am commited to working on me, sometimes I leave counseling and spend the rest of the day in tears. Sometimes I feel awful... but after the tears dry, I actually feel better. After I work through the difficulty, I feel hope again... Are you feeling any of that? Are you feeling like you are getting somewhere after the emotions clear a bit or do you just feel like the scab is off, the wound is oozing, and now what? My current husband and I tried couples therapy, but it just didn't feel right. So at the moment "we" are in individual therapy. I say "we" because I go every week, but he hasn't been for six months. Point being... I am not ready to work on "we" yet. I have a lot of work to do on "me" before we can be a "we" again. So I'm not worried about him at this point, and most of the time we don't talk about the marriage... but about the things I am bringing into the marriage. So even though your post is short I wondered if maybe that was part of your problem, maybe you have some me issues to work on before you can move on to the we issues... So three possible ideas here... 1. Maybe you aren't really as into saving your marraige as you think you are. If it has been really tough, why would you want to commit to more of it? 2. Maybe you have some me issues that need to be worked on before you can focus on the we part. 3. Maybe you are in the wrong "kind" of counseling? Yes sometimes you will feel sad, but eventually you should start feeling some AHA moments or something is wrong and you might need to redirect your efforts in another more productive direction. Find a different therapist, start looking into some hidden abuse issues, something like that... After the sadness passes do you feel even a little bit better?
amaysngrace Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I think what Boshemia says makes a lot of sense. (love the username, btw ) Maybe you're just feeling really sad because you've been facing your reality. And it isn't pleasant. Do you go to individual counselling? I think Boshemia has a good point in maybe you need to work on yourself before you can even possibly begin to work on your marriage.
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