he broke up with me today out of NOWHERE

[missmebaby]

my ex boyfriend and i had been together for 3 1/2 months. For the first 3 months things were better than amazing. He was totally infatuated with me. He was always calling me to the point where it almost got annoying, wanted to see me everyday, told me how much he liked me, treated me like a princess. Things moved so fast between us. After a month he told me he loved me, after 2 months he was talking about marrying me and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We've had such a great time together in these 3 1/2 months, we were always laughing and spending time together. He was always saying how much he loved me and was so happy and our relationship felt more meaningful than his other relationships he had ever had. he would look into my eyes and tell me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. basically he was obsessed with me, and i fell so in love with him.

 

But that started to change about 2 weeks ago. Nothing big, just calling me a little less and not bugging me to come over as much. Also, he was a little less affectionate. Everyone said it was just because the honeymoon phase of our relationship was ending and it was starting to mature. So I didnt think anything of it. He still wanted to see me alot, and still called me 4-5 times a day, we still laughed alot and he told me he loved me but things just felt a little different.

 

Well today we were laying in his bed after we woke up in the morning and we're watching TV and talking and things are fine. But he seemed a little distant so I asked him "do you still want to be with me?" and he says "yes baby why would you even ask me that?" and i told him that i felt like things were a little different, and he agreed with me. So I asked him how things were different and he said he couldnt really explain it. So i asked him if his feelings were changing and he said yes. Right then my heart just dropped. I couldnt believe it. He is a very blunt person so I knew he was telling the truth and it totally stunned me. That was the last thing I expected. He said hes been thinking about it for about a week now. He said hes a little scared and freaked out because he doesnt know if he can see himself marrying me. He said he is so used to high maintenance spoiled rich brats and im not like that at all. He said those are the kind of girls that he looks for, but he thinks that maybe Im the kind of girl he SHOULD be with. He said he wants to be with me but doesnt think im the kind of girl he was looking for.

 

He said he loves me and cares about me but he is looking for something easy. By easy he means that he wants a girl that he can see everyday and never argues with him and is already set for life with a job and their own place. Then he informs me that he misses his ex girlfriend and alot of things about her. They were together for 2 years and she broke up with him. They have been broken up now for 1 1/2 years but before I met him they were back to sleeping together. He said that last week he had a dream that her boyfriend got her pregnant and it really upset him. He said he woke up and i was there beside him in bed and he felt so horrible because he felt like he was cheating on me for the dream he had, and it really upset him and ever since then hes been thinking about breaking up with me.

 

Then he calls me tonight and tells me he thinks its just a phase hes going through and that the dream just really freaked him out and made him feel guilty. He said he wants to see how things go and try to make it work because he really does love me. He still seems weird and distant and its so hard for me because i dont know how to act around him now. Can I get some advice on this please? First of all, what is the real reason he doesnt want to be with me? Second, should i give this another chance? or is this probably not going to work out so i should just move on? And thirdly, how should I act around him? Like what are some things i should say and do, or not say and do that will help his feelings come back??

[Kamille]

Honey, I know where you are coming from.

 

Ok, so I'm working from the premise that at least one partner, at the beginning of a relationship, especially one that evolved so fast, will have that moment when they do question it. The challenge for the other partner is to allow for that to happen and to let the other make that decision on their own. And be stronger then the 'unsure' party.

 

Now I think there are two things you need to consider:

 

1. Is he worth it?

 

2. If he is, you need to realize that you might have contributed to him pulling away, his feeling changing, by asking him if, how, why, his feelings were changing.

 

He probably fell in love with the fun-loving, independant side of you and your insecurities unfortunately only contributed to magnify his doubts. It might make it seem like you are too co-dependant you know?

 

Now, back to question one, is he worth it? If we allow for him to have the right to have moments of hesitation, he also has to allow for you to have moments of insecurity. The fact is, in this instance, this man did not pull through for you. No, instead, he made it all about him and his ex-girlfriend, not the two of you. I get shivers anytime anyone brings the ex into the picture.

 

How do you feel? Do you want to give it a second chance? I mean, him breaking up with you like that, out of the blue, I think is a pretty big red flag that this guy is not ready to offer you what you want. But I know I have been in your shoes before and it is really hard to let go of those guys because it all feels like a very unfair misunderstanding provoked by the 'he's unsure-I'm insecure' cycle.

 

You're in a position where you can win him back easily if you are capable of letting go of your insecurities. Of focusing on yourself, doing right by yourself and doing your own thing. I just wonder if you will ever be able to feel safe again with him. And I seriously doubt he is worth your time right now. He needs to figure the sh*t out with his ex first, you know?

[What?]

I was in an exact similar situation as you, except I was the guy. Everything you describe was the same except for the reason why he said he didn't want to break up. I broke up because I didn't know how the girl felt for me. I am old (32), and have been burned by my last LTR girl 5 years ago. I took all this time away from dating until I knew I was ready.

 

Same as you, the first 2 months or so were magical, couldn't get enough of the other, wanted to be with them all the time. She quit calling me and seeing me all of a sudden. As an old man, I took this as her losing interest and broke it off officially. I did not really want to, but wanted to give her an easy out and spare myself some heartbreak, which did not happen! She later said she didn't feel that way, but whatever.

 

Anyway, as it applies to you, it seems that your steady isn't over his last gf even after 1.5 years and dreaming about an ex that long since the breakup doesn't bode well. You have to be careful with your heart. From what you say, I do not like this one bit, but as I always say, you are smart enough to know how to handle this. Trust your instincts and go from there. Good luck!

[bridget_jones]

My opinion on this is he got bored with you because you were too available to him. (although he doesn't really know this, it's true.) There is nothing more for him to pursue and discover about you because you're always answer the phone, spending the entire weekend with him, etc. Basically your world for the past 3 months has revolved around him.

what you need to do is 1. Get a copy of The Rules. 2. Follow it. DON'T do what Kamille has said and have a 'talk' with him about why his feelings changed, he doesn't even know himself and it turns into a conversation where you yourself look needy and desperate and it absolutely gets you nowhere except even more broken up. NO talks about your relationship, OK? That is actually DISASTROUS to ask him why his feelings changed, etc. He basically told you he wants to break up, his feelings changed for you, no more 'talks' and questioning him necessary. That said...

Hang out with other friends, join a club, get out of the house, do not accept dates to hang out or see him at the last minute. Basically show him that "Ok, he broke up with me, it's not the end of the world. I have a full life without him."

Also don't see him more than ONCE a week for several weeks, then you can go up to twice a week. (But when you read The Rules they will tell you this.)

This WILL work to get him back but remember you have to maintain the rules once you have him begging to come back to you, also. Basically he is going to be doing the calling, and 'chasing', not you, you don't even have to pick up the phone (except to answer it when he's calling you, DON'T call him...but again the Rules will tell you this.)

If you start The Rules now with him, he will be chasing you to the alter....wedding altar that is. I'm not kidding, it's worth the $2 you can get it for paperback on half.com or wherever. Seriously.

[mistizzle21]

Buy the Rules? Pfft. I did read this once, not of personal interest it's just once I read a bit of it I couldn't help but be fascinated by how laughable of a book this is. If anything it teaches women how to be manipulating little robots. And hey, does it work? Well, manipulation is supposed to work or people wouldn't do it. However, is that really the kind of girl you want to be? One who follows cookie cutter orders from some stupid book? Look, maybe he did get bored with you because you were too available. If you really did revolve your world around him I can tell you that's a bad decision. You don't ever want someone back just because you manipulate them, if you want someone back it should be because they love you and truthfully WANT to be with you. Look, The only person who can really answer the question is him and if he won't or you feel he won't you can either dwell on that or let it go. Believe me, inherently it seems, there are a lot of things we women love to just sit around dwelling on and we'd do ourselves well to let go. Do you love him? If yes, then give him another chance.In the meantime spend sometime growing and learning about yourself so you don't set yourself up to repeat past mistakes REMEMBER: a partner should be the tasty sidedish on the table, not be the whole meal. Put some time and focus into things that you can excel and be proud of.Screw that damn manipulation 101 book.

[PracticalShade]

1. decide if he is worth being with and working through things with.

 

2. If you decide he is, it needs to reach a basis where you're the one and only girl in his life on an intimate/romantic level. If he still has issues with ex's, etc. then he needs to work through those on his own because if he doesn't then it'll keep affecting you and the relationship until he does.

 

bend, but don't break. let him know what you're willing to work with and what you won't accept in the relationship.

[bridget_jones]

She needs this book because it emphasizes having a life outside the guy. The reason he got bored was because he was the center of her world. the crux of The Rules isn't manipulation at all, it's about being independent and having self-respect. It's funny the advice you gave is pretty much The Rules verbatim. lol

also to the original poster...seriously this guy says he wants some chick who's going to be there everynight...seeing a guy every night is WAY too much to see him when you're not engaged. Don't fall for that. Seriously, once a week to start, then you can go on to two days a week, occasional entire weekends together. (once you're back together of course.) He'll love you, he'll have your phone ringing off the hook. LEAVE HIM WANTING MORE. Best advice EVER from the Rules, believe me it works, and it has the great side effects of you get more friends and more interests and become a more interesting, complex person of substance.

So then if you decide this guy isn't the one for you, you're that much more attractive to the next guy.

 

 

 

Buy the Rules? Pfft. I did read this once, not of personal interest it's just once I read a bit of it I couldn't help but be fascinated by how laughable of a book this is. If anything it teaches women how to be manipulating little robots. And hey, does it work? Well, manipulation is supposed to work or people wouldn't do it. However, is that really the kind of girl you want to be? One who follows cookie cutter orders from some stupid book? Look, maybe he did get bored with you because you were too available. If you really did revolve your world around him I can tell you that's a bad decision. You don't ever want someone back just because you manipulate them, if you want someone back it should be because they love you and truthfully WANT to be with you. Look, The only person who can really answer the question is him and if he won't or you feel he won't you can either dwell on that or let it go. Believe me, inherently it seems, there are a lot of things we women love to just sit around dwelling on and we'd do ourselves well to let go. Do you love him? If yes, then give him another chance.In the meantime spend sometime growing and learning about yourself so you don't set yourself up to repeat past mistakes REMEMBER: a partner should be the tasty sidedish on the table, not be the whole meal. Put some time and focus into things that you can excel and be proud of.Screw that damn manipulation 101 book.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly, its time to hand back what he is handing to you. Tell him you need a break, and then take one. A serious one. As in 'not contacting' him sort of break. If he contacts you, fine - but do not go out of your way to contact him. Start living your life as if you were broken up - cultivate some new interests, and move your focus away from the relationship and more toward yourself and what YOU need apart from that relationship.

 

Three months is just about the amount of time it takes for the infatuation period to start winding down. When the blinders come off and you begin to REALLY see the person you are with, and you start to negotiate with yourself on what it is you want and do not want out of this relationship. To the other person (you) this comes across as "confused", "I'm not sure what I want out of this relationship", and the good old "we need a break". It sounds to me like he has passed his infatuation stage and has moved on to negotiation.

 

The negatives for him are clinginess, passiveness, and 'niceness'. Sounds like he is looking for more of a challenge (in other words, he likes "bitches" - if you are confused by what this means... then pick up the book Why Men Love Bitches, or Why Men Marry Bitches).

 

Now, don't get me wrong - men don't like actual raging bitches, but they do like the sort of woman who is strong, independent, and challenging - in other words, a woman who chooses to be with them based on his actions, not a woman who needs to be with them based on her insecurities.

 

I'm not sure if it is a matter of him missing his ex, or missing the type or relationship they had together. Could be a bit of both, but I'm more inclined to see it as missing the type of relationship they had together.

 

One thing you have to do is to stop talking about the relationship, at least for now. Back away, and give him some space. Take the same amount of space for yourself.

[bridget_jones]

I wouldn't even announce it to him that I needed a break.

[Guest]

Actually there are statistics concerning relationships at the 3 month mark. Its around 3 months a relationship ends or becomes something deeper.

[missmebaby]

thank you so much everyone for the insight and advice, it has helped alot. So from what Ive read Ive gotten a few ideas about what I should do:

 

1. do not talk about the relationship or his feelings

I will not ever bring up our relationship or ask him how he feels. Just go with the flow and leave it up to him to tell me what he needs to tell me

 

2. back off and become more independent

Ok I may need a few more ideas on this. Im thinking I will not contact him at all, when he calls me sometimes I wont answer and Ill wait a little while to call him back. And maybe become a little more mysterious and not tell him every little detail about where Ive been and what ive been doing. Also, Ive been totally ignoring all my friends so now I should start going out with them more. Also, not see him as much. Maybe only see him once or twice this week instead of 3-4 times. The only problem with this is, he seems to get irritated when he asks me to come over and I say I cant. He asks me almost everyday of the week and I say no 2-3 times a week. I think thats one thing he doesnt like about me, is that he doesnt get to see me as much as he would like and he even said that when we were talking about breaking up. He said that he wants something easy, such as someone that can see him anytime he wants. So should I refuse to see him as much or not?

 

3. somehow become more of a "bitch"

Ok, I really am having trouble figuring out how to go about this. From what Ive heard, this ex girlfriend that he misses or whatever was a "bitch." She was very high maintenance and spoiled and had an "im better than you" attitude. For some reason thats the kind of girls he likes and im not like that at all. He said she had a lot of balls and always spoke her mind and told people how she really feels. Another characteristic that I definitely dont have. So, should I become more independent and more confident and less insecure? Like act like I dont need him and I would be fine without him and I could get someone else? I really need more advice on this one.

 

4. absolutely no more arguments

I tend to play games sometimes and say things just to see how he will react. I am becoming better about this and i almost never do it anymore, but I will now have to be sure I never do it again. Also, sometimes he says things that make me feel stupid and he always acts like he knows everything about everything. And sometimes he will say things that seems like he thinks hes better than me and everyone else. I am the kind of person that cant stand to be disrespected and cant stand people that think they know everything and are better than everyone, so I tend to snap which causes an argument. At the beginning of our relationship, for about the first month and a half we argued like once a week. Then for about a month and a half there were no arguments. We got into an argument about 4 days ago for a really stupid reason but that was the first one in a long time. Now I have to be extra careful to control my mood swings and my short temper.

 

I really hope things work out, this has been extra hard for me because I just went through a really bad break up like 6 months ago and now its happening to me again. Also, it has been hard because he just sprung it on me out of nowhere. I think part of the reason is because he gets depressed very easily and lets stress really get to him. He was actually at a psychiatric hospital for 3 days because of his depression a few years ago. He told me he had that dream where his ex girlfriend got pregnant from her boyfriend (who used to be his best friend) and it really really freaked him out and made him feel horrible and guilty. He said he thinks thats just making him go through a phase of missing her and all the things they did together and the type of relationship they had. A good thing about this all happening now is that I am leaving for Florida for spring break in 4 days so we will have an 8 day break from each other. That will leave him some time to miss me and wonder what Im doing while Im down there. I dont really know if I should contact him while Im down there or if I should have very limited contact, for instance, only answer when he calls me, and even then not answer all his calls. When I do talk to him keep it short and let him know Im having a great time.

 

He actually just called me about 5 mins ago and I answered only because I know hes working and this is the only time he can talk to me in the next 6 hours. We talked for a few minutes and I said I had to go. He then asked me what I was doing tonight. I said I had no plans yet so he asked me if he could come over and take me to dinner. At first I was very excited because he wanted to see me. But the more I think about it, now I am in a panic because he has made it clear before that he does not want to break up over the phone, so what if he is taking me out to dinner one last time and then hes going to tell me that hes done alot of thinking and he really doesnt want to be with me anymore??? I am thinking this because he never asks to come to my house, its always me coming to his house so its just weird that he wants to come over. Also, he still seems distant and awkward and hurried up and said "ok bye" before I could say I love you or anything. I really dont want to worry about it all day, so would it be bad to text message him saying "is there something you need to tell me or something you want to talk to me about tonight?" so I can prepare myself if its coming, or do you think that will only annoy him?

[Kamille]

My opinion on this is he got bored with you because you were too available to him. (although he doesn't really know this, it's true.) There is nothing more for him to pursue and discover about you because you're always answer the phone, spending the entire weekend with him, etc. Basically your world for the past 3 months has revolved around him.

what you need to do is 1. Get a copy of The Rules. 2. Follow it. DON'T do what Kamille has said and have a 'talk' with him about why his feelings changed, he doesn't even know himself and it turns into a conversation where you yourself look needy and desperate and it absolutely gets you nowhere except even more broken up. NO talks about your relationship, OK? That is actually DISASTROUS to ask him why his feelings changed, etc. He basically told you he wants to break up, his feelings changed for you, no more 'talks' and questioning him necessary. That said...

Hang out with other friends, join a club, get out of the house, do not accept dates to hang out or see him at the last minute. Basically show him that "Ok, he broke up with me, it's not the end of the world. I have a full life without him."

Also don't see him more than ONCE a week for several weeks, then you can go up to twice a week. (But when you read The Rules they will tell you this.)

This WILL work to get him back but remember you have to maintain the rules once you have him begging to come back to you, also. Basically he is going to be doing the calling, and 'chasing', not you, you don't even have to pick up the phone (except to answer it when he's calling you, DON'T call him...but again the Rules will tell you this.)

If you start The Rules now with him, he will be chasing you to the alter....wedding altar that is. I'm not kidding, it's worth the $2 you can get it for paperback on half.com or wherever. Seriously.

 

Just want to point out that I did not recommand 'the talk'. Instead, I advised her to question if he was worth it, and, if he was, to take a step back and regain some independence.

 

Missme, I'm glad you're trying to work through this. The one thing you need to always remember is to be yourself - and to be honest with yourself. It's normal to have boundaries in relationships and most men, even if they say they don't like it (like him wanting you to be always available), actually respect that you make time for yourself.

 

He has proven once that he can be flaky. Make sure you have enough going on in the rest of your life (job, friends, hobbies) so that you are protected if he doesn't resolve his own issues.

 

And remember, you can't resolve his problems for him. He needs to do that himself.

[bridget_jones]

Actually, you are not off on the bitch thing....I suggest the book Why Men Love Bitches. It's basically about how not to be a doormat, it's not literally about being a bitch.

I have to say though that you are already ruining everything by agreeing to have dinner with him tonight. also your statement "i picked up only because I wouldn't be talking to him in the next 6 hours" shows you are still a doormat. I don't think you have the confidence and willpower to pull this off, you have to be strong and say NO, I'm busy when he asks you out to dinner, ESPECIALLY on the same day. THAT is being too available to him and showing still that he is still the center of your world. I don't think it's gonna work. Remember...this guy just told you he is losing feelings for you. What I would do is say "Ok, see ya." Instead you're still catering to this guy. seriously read The Rules and Why Men Love Bitches and FOLLOW THEM...that is if you want this guy, but personally you can do better than this dude, he sounds like a loser. If he is planning on breaking up with you during dinner, well there's nothing you can do. Keep your composure and say "Yes I was thinking the same thing." You don't want to be with him if he doesn't want to be with you anyway, right? and make it a CLEAN break, NC NC NC, get over him and move on.

[JCD]

Don't change yourself for him. I'm a guy and I don't love bitches, on the contrary, I love nice girls I can hang out with and have fun and be intimate with. To touch, caress, hug, etc. Not some bitch that I need to chase and deal with her mood swings. I work in security and love lots of manly action but when I get home I want compassion. Also, I could not live with someone that thinks he/she is smarter than me and always corrects me. I know couple of people like that and I tolerate them but am not really a close friends with them. I think you need to dump this guy and find yourself some mature guy who will appreciate you for who you are. When you're in a relationship, you're supposed to be clingy and dependent, otherwise it's not a relationship. Might as well stay single then. You're normal he isn't, imo.

[missmebaby]

yea i tried the bitch thing tonight and it totally did not go as planned. it caused him to get really pi*sed off at me. First of all he called me when i usually get off work like he always does but i didnt answer. he calls me back 15 mins later and i answer then and he asks me why i didnt asnwer or call him back. so i just told him sorry, i forgot. hes like what do you mean you forgot?? and he seems really surprised. then he asks me when hes going to see me next and i said "umm probably after i get back." (i leave for spring break in florida in 3 days.) and hes like "what???" and i just tell him im gonna be really busy getting everything ready to leave. so he gets really mad at me and im trying to be nice and blow it off like its no big deal but hes like whatever, you're too busy for me. ill just go hang out with another girl when i get bored then. so i say ok go ahead, thats fine. but then i offer to try to make time to see him and he said "no you're gonna be too busy." then he said hes gonna go so i said ok bye.

 

now im really frustrated because it only made things worse. i thought by doing that that i would be giving him space, seeming a little more distant, and showing him im not clingy or needy and i dont need to see him all the time. but instead i can just see him laying there rethinking whether he wants to be with me or not. he really hates fighting. i dont know what to do. should i try to see him whenever he wants so it avoids a fight or do you think that maybe what i did tonight actually helped because i seem like i dont care and i seem more distant and you always want what you cant have and i turned the tables on him? i just feel horrible because he hates fighting so much that i can just see him changing his mind about me because of what just happened tonight. things were going really good today until then. i just dont know how i should act around him.

[Kamille]

I'm so sorry! I feel like our advice might have confused you more then anything.[/COLOR]

 

The point is not to seem like you don't care. The point is to be confident in yourself that you are a catch and that you have so much going on that playing games is beyond you. That you can care for him while leading your own life. And that it is possible for you to be strong and love him even while he is having doubts about the relationship. And the reason you would be able to do that is BECAUSE you know and love yourself enough to let him be his own self.

 

It's hard to explain. Mainly because right now you are naturally focusing a lot on trying to make things work with him. And also trying to figure out how best to go about making sure he remains into you by doing things that don't feel natural for you. The one thing you don't say in your posts id whether or not you feel like spending so much time with him. Whether or not you do feel like being available to him constantly and if so, why that might be. (It sounds like your first three months with this guy were quite fusional and that you are having a hard time moving towards a more balanced relationship with him).

 

The first thing I tell myself at those moments is that if *guy* is really the one for me, then I needn't worry so much because we will both work at making things happen between us.

 

Instead, it sounds like you are walking into a battle of who could care less. The point is for you to show him that you are strong, easygoing, that you do love him - that you get what is going on - that yes he may be confused, but that you also are not going to let it get you down or affect your self-esteem. Makes sense?

 

So right now, focus on doing stuff that does cheer you up. Friends? Working out? Maybe even inviting him and your friends over for dinner? I guess what I'm advocating for you is that you find ways to undramatize the situation for yourself.

 

I also do wonder if you are so in love with the idea of being in love that you are missing out on some of the smoke signals that you should maybe be paying attention to. He threatens you with the idea of going to hang out with another girl? iiiih. Sounds childish and manipulative to me.[/COLOR]

 

Again, the question is: is he worth it? What makes him worth it? The fact of the matter is, it's not just him deciding if he wants to be with you or not. You are also involved in the process of deciding if he is going to be the man for you. For me, breaking up with me out of nowhere? Dealbreaker. I wouldn't know how to rebuild from there and I wouldn't even want to. Not the model of my ideal man. My ideal man would never put me through his doubts the way this guy is doing to you.

 

Also, the fact that he was talking about marriage within three months is more of a redflag for me then a bonus. Why did you guys feel the need to move so fast? Sure he fell hard for you, and swept you off you feet, but now you are at the stage where you both need to start building a life together - and this is what you both seem to be having a hard time doing because you invested to much in being everything for each other too fast. On the one hand he does sound a bit immature and manipulative and on the other you sound more then a bit insecure (and perhaps falling into the trap that your self-worth depends on your capacity to have and keep a man in your life).

 

Breaking up with you out of nowhere and then expecting you to remain at his beck and call as he sorts himself out? immature. The 'I dreamt about my ex-girlfriend' thing? Bullsh*t. He is clearly saying that he wants this relationship to be all about him and meanwhile, you are struggling to reposition yourself because thus far it was likely all about how into you he was.

 

But then, you worrying so much beforehand that his feelings for you might be changing? Insecurity. It was you doubting your own self and therefore making what was likely a little phase in his life all about you. You suddenly needed reassurance that his feelings for you weren't changing because you had invested so much of your own sense of worth in what he thought and felt about you.

 

The nature of his feelings for you doesn't change the fact that you are a great person (on your own) and its his lost of he is too mumbled in his own history to see it.

 

A relationship means more then just being into each other (although being into each other should help you both be into making the transition to the next phase of the relationship). Eventually it needs to ground itself in every day life and be unselfish.

 

To sum up: you don't suddenly become less lovable because he is having doubts. Let him have his doubts and figure himself out and know that you are still that attractive woman he fell for. You haven't change. He has.