Love him, but don't *love* him?

[NotOverTheHill]

Sounds odd, but I am beginning to think that. We have been married near 10 years. So far 9 of those years has been sexless (yes 9 years) He tried viagra, but didn't work well, and after that he did not want to try anything. After a bit of a guy can't getting it up, and not wanting to try to get it up. Messes with the self esteem a bit. so no sex for me for 9 years. I recently hit 39 and the libidio revving up that stated at 38 - is kicking into high gear. We haven't talk about sex in a very long time - not something I want to bring up and get rejected or a try, but no more doctors. My esteme would go down even further.

 

Sometime I think he is gay. He dosen't like to what homosexual scenese on tv, nor does he think they should have rights and that they are imormal (All of which I disagree with), so it is hard for me to truly beleive that..... If I found out today they he was gay - it would be such a weight off of my shoulders and it would explain quite a few things.

 

Is he interested in another woman? At this point, I almmost hope so. 9 years for a guy with no sex? He also doesn't spend time out with friends (that I know about) - not sure what he does. He is on early-retirment so is home most days.

 

At this point in my life, he is my best friend, and I love him. But I am not *IN LOVE* with him. He doesn;t want children, and I didn't either at first, but my mind has been trying to change. At the moment it is not giving up.

 

I just don;t know what to do. I want sex - and right now even if he were to suprisingly want to try again - with his track record, he would most likely not stick to it. And I am not sure I want it from him. At this point it would be like trying to have sex with my best friend.

 

If I do want children, they I have to do something soon - I am 39.

 

But I am comfortable, just not happy.

 

Please share some stories, advice or what not.

 

Thanks.

 

NotOverTheHill

[mikicmikido]

I can't spend much time on here tonight, but I couldn't not reply. I have had a similar experience over the last few years regarding the sex stuff. If you read my thread you will see what I am talking about. It is very disconcerting as it goes against what society tells us is "normal". Men are always supposed to want sex and it is the women who are supposed to be beating them away with a stick:rolleyes: and all that. Well when the reverse happens it is really hard on the womanhood self esteem issue.

 

I have also started to wonder if my husband is gay, but like yours, there are really only signs that he really isn't gay apart from the no sexual interest in me part. Consequently, I would always go back to the idea that it was me, just me, that was the problem. He didn't want to have sex with me. We also used viagara, but it worked fine, he just chose not to use it again as he just really didn't want sex with.

 

Anyhow, I will write again. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. This is such a hard thing to discuss with family and friends cause it feels so insulting and embarassing. Lucky for us all this website exists.

 

You know what you want to do.

 

mikicmikido

[MoonGirl]

My husband and I didn't have sex for 2+ years straight. And during our 6+ years together, we probably had sex less than 20 times.

 

I'm pretty sure my husband is not gay. At some points, I didn't want sex, but he never wanted it. When I asked him about it he responded, "why would I want to have sex with my wife?" He told me he was only aroused by other women, and that he got sick of me (physically) after 1-2 months of sex with me. I am very good looking with a nice body...and all of my husband's friends always told him how lucky he was to have such a "hot" wife. That just made me laugh! I'm not sure if a lot of men think like this, but maybe some do.

 

So...you're not alone.

[ilmw]

My husband and I didn't have sex for 2+ years straight. And during our 6+ years together, we probably had sex less than 20 times.

 

I'm pretty sure my husband is not gay. At some points, I didn't want sex, but he never wanted it. When I asked him about it he responded, "why would I want to have sex with my wife?" He told me he was only aroused by other women, and that he got sick of me (physically) after 1-2 months of sex with me. I am very good looking with a nice body...and all of my husband's friends always told him how lucky he was to have such a "hot" wife. That just made me laugh! I'm not sure if a lot of men think like this, but maybe some do.

 

So...you're not alone.

 

I just read this...

 

In my mind.. being in love with a woman and being in a relationship... sex ...intimacy.. and friendship have equal standing.. should be a balance..

 

He not wanting to make love to his wife... For me... it was the biggist turn on.. I could never take me eyes of her... I was in love...

 

Everyday.. I would wake up... look over at her and smile... and fall in love again.

 

I really don't get your stbxh... but maybe he has allot more issues... than he knows.. cause.. hmmmm... I think he is nuts... not wanting to be with you... and treating you the way you deserve..

 

But that is just my opinion

 

ilmw

[stockmos]

My husband and I didn't have sex for 2+ years straight. And during our 6+ years together, we probably had sex less than 20 times.

 

I'm pretty sure my husband is not gay. At some points, I didn't want sex, but he never wanted it. When I asked him about it he responded, "why would I want to have sex with my wife?" He told me he was only aroused by other women, and that he got sick of me (physically) after 1-2 months of sex with me. I am very good looking with a nice body...and all of my husband's friends always told him how lucky he was to have such a "hot" wife. That just made me laugh! I'm not sure if a lot of men think like this, but maybe some do.

 

So...you're not alone.

 

Based on reading that post, it sounds as if your husband had completely emotionally detached himself from you.

[wife_left_me]

Well, not sure if this relates but my wife and I had the same problem the last 6 months of our marriage. She felt as if I was no longer attracted to her and was not initiating sex but when I did try I was only shot down by either, I am not feeling well, not right now or I am not in the mood. I tried and tried to no avail (IMO). I guess many women feel as if the lack of sex is causing problems in their marriage but in my case I felt as if the the lack of sex was a symptom of our bad marriage. If everything else was perfect and there was no sex then maybe he is gay but I don't think you can expect sex and intimacy when there are so many other issues to resolve.

[AHIWON]

My husband and I didn't have sex for 2+ years straight. And during our 6+ years together, we probably had sex less than 20 times.

 

I'm pretty sure my husband is not gay. At some points, I didn't want sex, but he never wanted it. When I asked him about it he responded, "why would I want to have sex with my wife?" He told me he was only aroused by other women, and that he got sick of me (physically) after 1-2 months of sex with me. I am very good looking with a nice body...and all of my husband's friends always told him how lucky he was to have such a "hot" wife. That just made me laugh! I'm not sure if a lot of men think like this, but maybe some do.

 

So...you're not alone.

 

I don't know about other men and what goes thru their heads but for me, that seems totally strange. I was always attracted to my SO sexually, and even 2 times a week didn't seem like enough. For me it wasn't. That's after 13 years. She is of average looks, to me that didn't matter. I can't fathom how it would matter in a long term relationship.

[NotOverTheHill]

Thanks for the replies. I patted him on the back the other day, he told me that "Dr Phil" says that it is a sign that I don't think of him as a lover. *duh* What makes him think after 9+ years that we ARE lovers? I didn't have time to get into it with him then, and since then the subject just has not come up again. I know I need to sit down and have a long talk with him, but I am afraid of how he would take it. He has never hit me before - berateted, billitled and gone purple in the face while shouting from a few inches away from my face - yes.

[33chris]

Going 9 years without making an effort to rectify his ED problem (after the Viagra) is pretty messed up. I dont know if he is gay or not, but it is also very likely that his sexual confidence in himself is just totally shot. Being able to perform sexually and please a woman is very important to (most) men, so it could be that he decided (wrongly) to just avoid sex altogether in order to avoid facing his ED problem.

 

When he was prescribed viagra, did the Doc say his problem was emotional or physical? If the former, he should have (and still should) be in counseling for his problem. These sort of things can get better with counseling and support from the SO, but of course he has to be willing to try and confront his problem.

 

In the vast majority of ED cases, the problem does not stem from latent homosexuality or lack of sexual interest in the SO, but rather from severe performance anxiety and lack of sexual confidence.

 

If you arent ready to give up on the marriage, I would talk with him and (to the extent you still feel this way) reassure him that you love him and find him sexually attractive, but then lower the boom and let him know that he needs to begin therapy for his problem bc you are a sexual person and it isnt fair for him to not address his problem and deprive you of sex and intimacy.

[GreenEyedLady]

There will be signs if he's with another man or woman...

 

If you're worried that he's gay, the signs are the same as if he were with another woman, it's just that he's with a man...and you may be exposed to the OM on a daily basis because he is most likely the "best friend"...

 

Or he'll take trips out of the area frequently so he won't be found out...

 

You could ask straight out if he's gay...and if he says "I'm not going to answer that," not a good sign...

 

But you'll KNOW in your gut...ask me how I know: EXPERIENCE...

[Storyrider]

So, do you do anything sexual? Does he ever get you off with his fingers or mouth? Or do you think his pride/shame issues over the ED make him not want to try alternatives?