ruby_gloom Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I have a friend whom I've know since 1st grade. We used to be really good friends--the best of friends, even, until we had some family issues that caused us to drift apart for several years. We started connecting again when we were 17, and since then, we've managed to stay pretty good friends, even despite the fact that we are as opposite as it gets. This friend of mine was dating a guy for almost 5 years. She claims that he was her first love, and that she loved him more than anything in the world. They were very serious. So serious, in fact, that he proposed to her a few days before Christmas (of last year). I remember that she was really, really thrilled about it; she seemed so happy. They started to make all the plans: the date, the dress, the place, the people, etc . . . everything. A month or so later (whenever Superbowl Sunday was), he broke up with her, telling her that he didn't have time for a girlfriend since he needed to get a second job in order to help out his family and since he was planning on going back to school, too. He said he didn't think it was fair for her or for him to hardly be able to see each other because of his own problems. He also told her that he felt they were too young to be rushing; she's 20 and he barely turned 20 some few days ago. He said he still felt he was too immature and irresponsible and that he thought he was going to be--and actually wanted to be--this way for a while, and that he knew that that was no way to start a marriage. He apologized for not having thought things through (proposing), and told her that he really did love her, but just couldn't give her what she wanted (marriage) at this time. She cried a lot. On several nights she would call me to go over, which I did, and I would just sit there with her. I could understand her deep heartbreak, but I could also understand his reasoning, even though I think it was awful of him to propose, knowing how much that meant to her, if he wasn't sure he wanted to be married in the first place. Anyway, for the month that followed, she would always talk about him and say how much she loved him and how she missed him and how she wanted him to come back and blah blah. Sometimes I found myself annoyed because I was hurting too, but we never talked about how *I* might be feeling, no--but then again, I figured: 5 years is a long, long time to be with someone, especially considering our age, so I guess I thought it was understandable that she would be talking about it so much. I always listed, and the thing that now resonates in mind is how she would always say, "I love him so much. If he came back right now, I'd take him back in a second. I know he hurt me a lot, but my love for him is greater than that hurt." I always thought that was touching. Last Friday, she told me she had a new boyfriend whom she had met . . . last Friday. She told me that she loves him and that he says he loves her, too, which is especially bizarre, considering the fact that he told her he had dated 5 girls whom were are LTR--some even as long as 3 years, and that he never told them he loved them. Ok. She says he is the greatest guy in the world, and that she doesn't give a sh*t about the exbf who, two weeks ago, she was declaring her undying love for, to me. Ok. He's 19 and in the marines. He says someday he might have to go to war. Anyway, she told me that he asked her if she would be willing to go with him to wherever war-ridden country he was sent to, and that she said of course! She says that they both see themselves as married to one another and having kids. Ok. They've known each other for one week. WTF? Oh, and here's the kicker: last night before I got totally hammered, she called me to tell me she had slept with him. I was in shock because she had always been saying, for this past month, that she was not going to sleep with anyone until several months had passed by, indicating to her that her exbf was not coming back. Further, she also said that if it wasn't with her exbf, then she did not want to have sex again until she was married with whoever else. So, she said that she had slept with him and that she loves him more than she's loved any other guy. Ok--WHAT??! How does someone go from being in a 5 year relationship with the guy who you supposedly love more than anything else in this world, to talking about him and how much you love him 24/7 for an entire month, to a Friday when you gi dancing and meet a guy whom you now want to have babies with because you love him more than any other guy?!?! How does that happen?! That just does not seem normal to me! For a whole month she talked and cried about this one guy, and now she's talking about marrying and moving and what other such crap with a guy she's known for one week?? Is this normal? Also, is it normal for me to feel bad about it? Because I have to be honest and say while there have been one or two guys whom I've been interested in, the truth remains being that I still love my exbf very much and that I really miss him. Dating these guys whom I've been interested in seems like a nice idea in theory, but not one that I would actually like to practice. At first I thought I was just being jealous, but it's not that: I don't want what she has--a new relationship. I don't. I just want to not be sad anymore, but each day, that seems even more impossible. Maybe I am jealous. Maybe I'm jealous of her "happiness."
pelagicsands Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 How does someone go from being in a 5 year relationship with the guy who you supposedly love more than anything else in this world, to talking about him and how much you love him 24/7 for an entire month, to a Friday when you gi dancing and meet a guy whom you now want to have babies with because you love him more than any other guy?!?! Sometimes we will go to any lengths to fool ourselves. And she seems to be trying hard to convince herself that this dude is the penis for her. I mean, the person for her. If she can change this quickly, then she can revert this quickly. Maybe your shoulder will be wet, yet.
Craig Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Maybe when a person is sad even happiness that is not going to last or that is based on something false looks good--if only for a moment. Maybe you are a little jealous and angry at the same time...jealous of your friends fleeting happiness and angry that she can't see anyone else except herself. Everyone knows your friends relationship is based on nothing at all that is going to last and in a few weeks or months she'll come back to you wanting to cry on your shoulder again. But when she does why would you be there for her especially since she is/was not there for you?
Author ruby_gloom Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Sometimes we will go to any lengths to fool ourselves. And she seems to be trying hard to convince herself that this dude is the penis for her. I mean, the person for her. She sure is. She's already told me about the many great things this guy is and how, basically, he's perfect. I feel bad sometimes, though, because she'll call me and I won't pick up. I feel like I'm being a bad friend and that maybe I'm not happy for her as I should be, but there is just so, so much running through my mind lately that my eyes seems to be permanently watery. And I know that maybe this isn't a good excuse, but it's true: with all the bad going on and with knowing that it has been like this for about 2 years now with no signs of it relenting any time soon, to hear all of this chirpy "happiness" no matter how fake or short-lived it may be, makes me envious. The other day I did tell her that I thought she was rushing (again), and that I thought it would be best if she took it slow; that maybe she should just date this guy and have fun with him and try to get to know him as best as she can, without making marriage be her specific goal at the moment. I also told him that while I think she might like this guy, I don't think she loves him because, imo, it takes time for you to be able to love someone. I just think, that in order to truly be able to love someone, you must know them well in their good and bad moments--to know the good and the bad--and the be able to love them just the same not "despite" their bad qualities, but to accept them and learn to love them also, since it's not just the good that makes up a person, but also the bad. I told her this and she got upset. She said that she saw nothing bad in this guy, except that he drank a lot, but she went onto say that she was sure she could take care of that. I told her not to think that way, especially considering that when she met him, he was drinking and that she shouldn't expect a guy to give up things that he likes for a girl he just met. I told her that she should try to reach a compromise where maybe he won't drink so much when he's with her, since it bothers her, or something, but she snapped saying that was the difference between her and I: that for her, it was her way or no way. Ok. Thanks. Like I'm too stupid to not be able to understand what she implied. Maybe when a person is sad even happiness that is not going to last or that is based on something false looks good--if only for a moment. Maybe you are a little jealous and angry at the same time...jealous of your friends fleeting happiness and angry that she can't see anyone else except herself. Everyone knows your friends relationship is based on nothing at all that is going to last and in a few weeks or months she'll come back to you wanting to cry on your shoulder again. But when she does why would you be there for her especially since she is/was not there for you? I think you're right, Craig. But you see, I'm at a point where even the most fleeting happiness is ideal; I just want a little bit of happiness to come my way because I have feelings too, you know? It's as though all of my friends think I have no real feelings just because I never talk about them--well, how can I when they don't shut up?! So, I just listen and listen and listen . . . and secretly wish that someday I too may have something "happy" to share so that they can listen to me. But then I start to feel anxious because that someday seems to not exist. I don't know. All of these conversations make me wonder if something is wrong with me--if I'm just broken or something. This is the second friend who goes/does the same type of thing. And the others seem to quickly forget about the one whom they loved more than anything in the world within a few weeks. But I can't help but wonder: how can something that was supposed to be so profound, so vast, so sincere and pure be forgotten oh, so very quickly? Maybe I am broken. Like that little toy that's tossed out from the factory because it doesn't quite function the way it should.
KittenMoon Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Hey Ruby- I don't quite get these types of people either, but I'll admit sometimes I wish I could be like them. But in reality, most of these people are just filling a void in themselves, and the "relationship" will likely go from the bet thing in the world to pretty disappointing sooner or later. Heck, I have a close friend who just got married on her THIRD engagement, and let's just say I'm not holding my breathe on this marriage.... and she's younger than me to boot. Anyways, you're not broken, you just want something more real than any old guy. Me too, y'know, even though I too feel broken sometimes.
Ariadne Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Hey (See, I'm going through your threads) Is this normal? Yes, that's why 19 year old girls should not get married. High fives for the guy, he was in for a whole bunch of trouble. Many girls are like that because they confuse infatuation, liking, or excitement, with love and they think they have found the love of their lives around the corner every three months. You are not like that because you are very mature for your age. I think you are very old actually, and those silly things don't make any sense to you. Ariadne Ps: He says someday he might have to go to war. Anyway, she told me that he asked her if she would be willing to go with him to wherever war-ridden country he was sent to, and that she said of course! (ROFL!)
stace79 Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 It sounds to me like this girl just wants to be in a relationship and/or married, and she doesn't care who the guy is. A lot of girls are like that...their whole focus is getting married. Eventually I think she'll grow up and realize what love really means. I just hope it doesn't take a divorce and some kids to get there.
silentcharon Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Hey. Yeah, I can really relate. I started dating someone after my ex and I broke up- I breathed a sigh of relief that at least I wasn't going to be alone, as horrible as it may sound. I got lucky because we actually did hit it off and dated for a while, I liked him enough to actually want to DATE him. I don't think I want to make a mistake doing something like that again though, because both of us only got burned in the end. Lesson learned ! I've had this dicussion with my friends- my best friend admitted that she hated being alone and was never single up till she broke up with her fiancee a couple of years ago. It was then she actually STAYED single for almost a year before meeting her current boyfriend. I'm also jealous of how people seem to be able to jump into a relationship or be able to have fwb's. It's just not me, I don't know if it's possible for me to do something like that. I know quite a few people who are relationship jumpers, I envy and hate them for it at the same time.
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