whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Well at least some of us can keep our sense of humor! I just find it funny that there's actually a dicussion on how something is spelt. (spelt, spelled???) Who cares???? Sometimes it's fun to make up words as you go along.
Trialbyfire Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Is your body a weapon to withhold if you're displeased? In a situation where she still wants him, she's using his body, not the reverse.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Is your body a weapon to withhold if you're displeased? In a situation where she still wants him, she's using his body, not the reverse. Exactly! It's not stealing to rob the guy who robbed you.
serial muse Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Is she rolling around in the gutter, or is she taking back what's rightfully hers by law? Is there a difference between your extended exit strategy and hers? Actually, this is an interesting point. I've stayed out of this thread because the fact is, as a former BS, I may have had my fantasy of revenge but truthfully I was glad to shake the dust of them both from my feet. So I can't really identify with wanting the ex back, only with the "screw them" aspect of it. Heh. Sorry to the OW on here, but that impulse is strong indeed. It'd be awesome if most people could walk away without feeling baser feelings, but that's asking a lot of someone who's been through that kind of hell. Which brings me to the concept of an "extended exit strategy." I think it's a valid point - it may take several months, or years, for OW to withdraw from an affair they're not proud of. They may glory in the love of their MM in the meantime, because it does feel good. So I'm not sure how this is so different, except that there's a (possibly very understandable?) aspect of anger to it as well, which may be fueling it. If she leaves this mess, after some period of time, will that make sara's actions more palatable to the OW on here, because it's understood that it takes a long time, sometimes, to withdraw and "you can't help who you love"? Is the problem that she is interrupting the hoped-for happy ending and making it messy again? Or is it her sense of justification that is galling, rather than the actual cheating?
Freedom Now Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 No, I don't use my body as a weapon. I respect it too much. And I am not judging her. I would just do things differently. If I wanted revenge I would want him to see what he is missing.... not give it to him. But that's just me. And I don't judge her. I just find it interesting that the "affairs are always wrong" stance changes when it suits the person's needs. That's all.
Freedom Now Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Actually, this is an interesting point. I've stayed out of this thread because the fact is, as a former BS, I may have had my fantasy of revenge but truthfully I was glad to shake the dust of them both from my feet. So I can't really identify with wanting the ex back, only with the "screw them" aspect of it. Heh. Sorry to the OW on here, but that impulse is strong indeed. It'd be awesome if most people could walk away without feeling baser feelings, but that's asking a lot of someone who's been through that kind of hell. Which brings me to the concept of an "extended exit strategy." I think it's a valid point - it may take several months, or years, for OW to withdraw from an affair they're not proud of. They may glory in the love of their MM in the meantime, because it does feel good. So I'm not sure how this is so different, except that there's a (possibly very understandable?) aspect of anger to it as well, which may be fueling it. If she leaves this mess, after some period of time, will that make sara's actions more palatable to the OW on here, because it's understood that it takes a long time, sometimes, to withdraw and "you can't help who you love"? Is the problem that she is interrupting the hoped-for happy ending and making it messy again? Or is it her sense of justification that is galling, rather than the actual cheating? It is the whole "affairs are wrong" stance that is stoically taken by so many, then tossed aside conveniently when it suits the person's needs that is galling. Yes, it is hard to remove oneself from a situation like this. I lived it. But the OP doesn't state that as the reason for her involved with her ex-husband. Her reasons are much more calculating. And that is probably what is unsettling.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I just find it interesting that the "affairs are always wrong" stance changes when it suits the person's needs. Personally, I don't see an "affair" here. I just see this woman taking back what was taken from her.
Freedom Now Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 How can this not be an affair? Where is that logic? Is he not married????
Ladyjane14 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 How can this not be an affair? Where is that logic? Is he not married???? Like I said earlier, you can take two monkeys down to the courthouse and 'marry' them... but they won't understand what it MEANS. Those two are just a "pair of monkeys" if you ask me. They deliberately flung poo at the concept of monogamous marriage, and now we're all supposed to respect their 'sacred union'??? I don't think so.
TheDiva Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I think I remember reading SHE kicked HIM out and the OW (new BW) 'won' by default right? Sounds like some unresolved feelings there via knee-jerk divorce. IMHO. I can't exactly agree with the method of revenge per se. OTOH I can't really see any difference in this situation than an OW who continues an affair with MM after finding out he is M/DDay. It doesn't bother some OW to continue to insert herself into a M, no matter the state of said M or how much MM begs and pleads. And this woman sounds like "that type" of OW. Alls fair in love and war until the tables are turned... I mean come on... the new W thinks she has "the fairy tale", she takes pot shots at the XW by way of butt pats and sh*t??? It may be highschoolish but D@mned if I wouldn't be tempted to do the same as OP in this case, I freely admit it. OP is actually turning his own game around on him, since he didn't want the D. Sara please just walk away and let him hang himself....by himself.
Trialbyfire Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 How can this not be an affair? Where is that logic? Is he not married???? But what about love? He must love sara500 if he no longer loves his wife.
Freedom Now Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 What's love got to do with it? (Hey, isn't that a song?) I equate love with monogamy. He doesn't love, nor respect, either one of them. IMHO.
Trialbyfire Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Tina Turner. Do you place respect over two people who love each other? Shouldn't they be together especially when the ex-OW is so mean and nasty?
serial muse Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 It is the whole "affairs are wrong" stance that is stoically taken by so many, then tossed aside conveniently when it suits the person's needs that is galling. Yes, it is hard to remove oneself from a situation like this. I lived it. But the OP doesn't state that as the reason for her involved with her ex-husband. Her reasons are much more calculating. And that is probably what is unsettling. Well, it's not that I can't see your point, but I think if we're going to be honest both sides of this debate are taking stances that could be considered antithetical to their own actions. Yes? I know you lived this; that's why I wonder why there isn't any sympathy for the idea that while a clean break would be most honorable, few people in practice can muster up the determination to go through with it right away. While in MC, I absolutely derived satisfaction from the idea that the OW was tortured by us having scorching sex. Seriously. Good, you know?? And why shouldn't I think that? There really is something to be said for the question of who fired the first shot. That's not to say I would be thrilled with myself if I were sara - she is responsible for her own actions, and I think what she's doing sucks. But I can feel empathy for the anger that's fueling it, because I've felt that. And for the satisfaction of knowing that she does, actually, have a way to interrupt a relationship that feels incredibly painful and intrusive. Because I've felt that too. Every BS has. Plainly, the MM here sucks swamp water. I mean, ugh. And the OW in the OP's case also behaved badly, not only by having an affair with a married man but also calling the house, threatening the BS and interfering with their children. My point is, nobody's the good guy here. So the BS on here choose to identify with the anger that clearly underlies the OP's post. What's the surprise in that? It's a revenge fantasy, possibly not even true, but it feels karmic and there's a release in that that most BS never get to feel. Again, I do think the self-satisfied way she's talking about what she's doing is rather sad, and I hope - as I hope for ANY OW ON THIS BOARD - that she'll wake up and remove herself from toxicity soon. I wouldn't want to be her. But let's face it - there aren't any victims in this story, so what is all the spirited hostility about, anyway?
TheDiva Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Like I said earlier, you can take two monkeys down to the courthouse and 'marry' them... but they won't understand what it MEANS. Those two are just a "pair of monkeys" if you ask me. They deliberately flung poo at the concept of monogamous marriage, and now we're all supposed to respect their 'sacred union'??? I don't think so. That is one funny picture LJ. As well as a valid point.
Freedom Now Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Tina Turner. Do you place respect over two people who love each other? Shouldn't they be together especially when the ex-OW is so mean and nasty? Trial, I respect your opinions...and I see your point. And yes, the OW was mean and nasty in this situation. But, to me, the OP is just hurting herself. This man is not worthy of her and she is just demeaning herself in this revenge fantasy. It is best to just walk away. It is just the healthier choice, I think. And if they want to be together, why doesn't he just divorce his OW, then? What is so hard about making a break and sticking with it? Why must people stay in triangles? If they love each other, the OW needs to be divorced. No. This man is a cake eater. And the only person that is benefiting from this situation is HIM.
Trialbyfire Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Just saw these two posts. Sorry ladies, LS is loading really slowly right now. Exactly! It's not stealing to rob the guy who robbed you. You got it. If she leaves this mess, after some period of time, will that make sara's actions more palatable to the OW on here, because it's understood that it takes a long time, sometimes, to withdraw and "you can't help who you love"? Is the problem that she is interrupting the hoped-for happy ending and making it messy again? Or is it her sense of justification that is galling, rather than the actual cheating? I'm not sure. If anything I think she's empowering herself by taking back her ex on her own terms, not his.
Freedom Now Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 So would I be empowering myself by getting revenge on my xMM by sleeping with him because he sure wants to start back up with me. After all, he lied to me and betrayed me. And turnabout is fair play. Why not turn the tables and just use him for sex? What if I took him back on MY terms? What is the difference? Would that be okay with you BS's? No. Because it isn't right.
Trialbyfire Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Trial, I respect your opinions...and I see your point. And yes, the OW was mean and nasty in this situation. But, to me, the OP is just hurting herself. This man is not worthy of her and she is just demeaning herself in this revenge fantasy. It is best to just walk away. It is just the healthier choice, I think. And if they want to be together, why doesn't he just divorce his OW, then? What is so hard about making a break and sticking with it? Why must people stay in triangles? If they love each other, the OW needs to be divorced. No. This man is a cake eater. And the only person that is benefiting from this situation is HIM. I respect your opinions too. We've both been there and done that from opposite sides of the spectrum. I agree that this man is a cake eater but I think sara500 is taking action on her own terms. She's using him like he uses other women. Is this good or bad for her, who's to say. Everyone reacts in different ways. It's not my way to do this but I do see the irony in this and based on my past experience can't help but derive some amusement from this. It truly is a table-turning experience.
Trialbyfire Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 So would I be empowering myself by getting revenge on my xMM by sleeping with him because he sure wants to start back up with me. After all, he lied to me and betrayed me. And turnabout is fair play. Why not turn the tables and just use him for sex? What if I took him back on MY terms? What is the difference? Would that be okay with you BS's? No. Because it isn't right. The cheater lied to you but did he really betray you? Legally speaking, he didn't really betray you because he had a prior commitment.
Freedom Now Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Legally, he didn't betray me. You are right. But, he betrayed me. In many, many ways.
Chapter2 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 "Taken" from her? LJ, I'm honestly surprised. I guess I could take the time to find all the many posts where you openly admit that no one can be "taken"...but that's just too boring and you're not that important. But, no person can be "taken"...they make the choice to give themselves to someone else. Even when the "fog" clears. You are so obviously reframing what the original poster is doing to suit your own agenda. Pulling from another thread where you condone telling the children what daddy "did" to the entire family, should this poster now say..."yes, children, daddy deserted the entire family because another woman "stole" him from us and now mommy is taking her power back by having sex in secret with him"... Wow...what a picture of health! ;) Personally, I don't see an "affair" here. I just see this woman taking back what was taken from her.
Trialbyfire Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 Ah, just saw your response. Disregard my last post then. We can shake hands and agree on some points and not others.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 After all, he lied to me and betrayed me. And turnabout is fair play. Why not turn the tables and just use him for sex? It's not the same thing. He lied to his WIFE, and he betrayed HER. You were a willing participant from the moment you knew he was married. And if you'd wanted revenge for the lies he'd told you up to that point, you could have easily refrained from continuing the relationship or even busted his cheating ass to his wife. Besides that if it makes him HAPPY.. it's not very good vengeance is it? The ex-husband might THINK he's a happy camper right now, but the OP's already stated that she plans on dumping him later.
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