Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 jeeeeeeeeeeeez! Now he says he liked about the bj to hurt me. What an immature a$$. I am SO better off without him...and no, I haven't been replying to his childish rants. thanks again guys I'll be ok now.
1DeadB Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Since nobody could help, I did a search and found what I was looking for. "set an appointment to talk to help him get emotionally prepared" I called him last night, and said I was coming over tonight. He started talking about needing some luvin, and cuddling and I said well maybe, but maybe we'll just talk. He asked if I was mad at him, I said no, he said "you're not happy" I said we'll talk tomorrow. So tonight I will tell him that I think he's a great guy, but after alot of thought I realized we aren't meant for each other and this relationship won't go anywhere so I am breaking up. I'll remember the great times we had and you have great friends, please go to them for support while we both move on with our lives. If he doesn't "get it" I will be repetitive and just keep saying that I won't be happy in the relationship long term. Not that anyone here cares how it turns out. Why can't you tell him the truth. Kick his ass out the door.
oppath Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 I'm going to put myself in his shoes here. You dumped him. To him, it felt out of the blue, even if it didn't to you. When you went to talk to him the second time and give him greater closure for him -- I assume that was why you initially went -- I'm not sure you made your intention clear. Basically, you told him you weren't hoping for reconciliation, but just in case, wanted to clear some air? And then, you proceed to tell him that while in a relationship with him, you joined or checked out a dating site? Ouch. If I were that guy, I'd be viciously hurt. Perhaps you aren't projecting clearly the conversation and situation. When people are heartbroken, they can do or say irrational things. His response, I wouldn't label it as immature. He was very hurt. When people are very hurt, they'll act stupid. Hurt is powerful. It doesn't make it "ok", but it is forgivable. He's probably now feeling enormous guilt for two reasons (1) no chance of reconciliation and (2) that he hurt you and now the relationship has officially ended on bad terms. I was just in a similar situation -- dumped out of the blue -- I initially reacted fine, until my ex said something that really hurt me (she asked for friends with benefits). I reacted crassly and obviously conveyed anger, instead of saying "it really hurts that you said that. I feel belittled." Her response to me was "I was just joking," and because I was still reeling over the breakup and the initial comment that set me off, I went off further. Then I felt tremendous guilt. Hurt is powerful and makes people do or say things they otherwise aren't capable of. In the end, it was really just platitudes. My ex majorly crossed a boundary I had; she didn't realize it. I was offended and hurt and expressed that hurt as a heartbroken person would. She was offended because she didn't realize she had crossed a boundary so she crossed another. Yada yada yada. Do what you will with ignoring him, etc, but just understand you likely crossed a boundary with him when you mentioned you checked out online dating while you were in a relationship with him. I'd be very hurt if my ex gf of 1 week told me that. I wouldn't lie as he did to hurt you, but I'd probably say something hurtful to you. I'm not sure. I don't know how I would react unless I was in his place. You were face to face, that would be easier. If you expressed your confession via email...I'd be nasty in return. Give the guy a break. Don't get back together, but give him a break. He was hurt. His reaction was not "ok" but it is not unforgivable.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 You are exactly on the mark oppath. We have exchanged a few more emails. I tried very hard not to be judgemental, or call him immature. I finally just said Im sorry I hurt you...it's unavoidable in a break up and that we needn't go back and forth hurting each other any further or something along those lines. I told him that we should have left things where they were a week ago, but since he wanted answers I tried to give him answers, but it came out as all my peeves, mainly because I couldn't explain my true feelings. I told him I'll remember the good times, and hugged him goodbye (e-hugs). He e-hugged me back. Things seem to be on a lighter note, I think I will sleep better tonight. Oh there is one more thing, and I was afraid to post it for fear of retaliation from you people who have been so wonderful. I am going out tonight with the guy I broke up with a year ago. I am not sure I was truly ever over him. We remained friends over the last year but in no way is responsible for the break up last week. Well, maybe in a way it was my way out, because reading back on my previous threads, I sound like a freaking broken record and haven't been happy for a while. He is the one who never called, never had time for me, but it appears he is making time for a social life again. I have explained to him that I am not getting into a relationship, that we are friends, and it's only shopping that we are doing. There has been some shared affection, hugs, cuddling, as I went to his place last night. Maybe I'll post a new one....how to have more self control when I know I need a break but still want to hang out!!!
oppath Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 I'm not going to comment on the new guy! But I applaud you for actually acknowledging your recent ex's apology and ending things on good terms. He will hurt much less because of it. In these situations, I feel the DUMPER needs to recognize the dumpee is shocked and hurt and be the bigger person. I'm glad you could end things with kind words.
Art_Critic Posted March 27, 2007 Posted March 27, 2007 because reading back on my previous threads, I sound like a freaking broken record and haven't been happy for a while. Was your divorce ever final ? if it hasn't and you are still separated from your husband that alone can be a reason why you are are having trouble finding happiness.. Limbo.... It has to be hard to have a relationship and move on while still being tied to someone and not really able to commit to someone for a relationship that would include marriage.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 27, 2007 Author Posted March 27, 2007 Nope we have not filed for divorce. We are just procrastinating I suppose or waiting til we have $$$. There is nothing left to settle. But we will always be tied because of the kids. We get along great today. So far it has been a bit uncomfortable with each other dating, we avoid the subject mostly but have met each others bf/gf once. But maybe you have a point. If I really worked on a new relationship, maybe deep down in my subconscious I am feeling I should be putting that energy into making my marriage work, even though deeeeper down I know it's too late and wouldn't work. I need to work on myself.
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