MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I decided it's time to break up with my boyfriend after 10 months. We met online and I feel we rushed things. If I had waited and gotten to know him better, became friends first, I probably would not have ended up in a relationship, but he was alot of things I was missing in my past relationships and it was nice just having a boyfriend who actually called. I have posted on here a few times with my dilemmas about breaking up with him, and now that I have made the decision, I don't know how to go about it. I will probably go to his place in the next couple of days, after work and he will be expecting me to stay the night (he lives almost an hour away). He is going to be caught completely off guard. I will be nervous and shaking and in tears while I talk. I don't want to get into telling him things that are wrong with him, even if he wants to know the reasons. He will only get defensive. How do I tell him I want to break up? Do I just blurt it out? Do I tell him I want to talk and then lead into it? He might just think I just want to talk about things and work things out like we have in the past. But I don't want to work anything out. I just don't see a future with him, even though things aren't bad between us. Here are some of the main reasons: -He's not that into my kids. -He is lazy and unmotivated, house is falling apart and he doesn't care. -He complains about everything, does nothing to change a situation, and gets defensive if I try to push or motivate him (this could be my problem, he may see me as a bit of a nag). -We don't have much in common although have shown interest in each others uh..interests. Can anyone offer me some advice please and thanks? I
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Since nobody could help, I did a search and found what I was looking for. "set an appointment to talk to help him get emotionally prepared" I called him last night, and said I was coming over tonight. He started talking about needing some luvin, and cuddling and I said well maybe, but maybe we'll just talk. He asked if I was mad at him, I said no, he said "you're not happy" I said we'll talk tomorrow. So tonight I will tell him that I think he's a great guy, but after alot of thought I realized we aren't meant for each other and this relationship won't go anywhere so I am breaking up. I'll remember the great times we had and you have great friends, please go to them for support while we both move on with our lives. If he doesn't "get it" I will be repetitive and just keep saying that I won't be happy in the relationship long term. Not that anyone here cares how it turns out.
alphamale Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Not that anyone here cares how it turns out. of course we care MWC_LBA40....I would recommend you just break up with him over the phone. No need to drive an hour. The phone is the best way cause then you can do it cold turkey. No reason to go over there and make a whole drama filled production out of it.
Pyro Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Prepare yourself definitely. You are right that its not going to be easy. In a situation that is complicated and difficult like that, I would sit down and write down some of the things that you want to say. look at the piece of paper and prepare what you want to say and how you want to say it to him. Like I said, this will not be easy, but if you are not happy, then this is what needs to be done. Good luck.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Thanks guys. I have to drive there anyway to buy my daughter a birthday present, it's only 45 minutes, no big deal if the roads are good. We normally email each other several times a day, and today he emailed me about "being so quiet" because I haven't emailed him. I said I was saving it up for tonight. He said Not looking forward to it and I didn't reply and just got another email asking if we're breaking up. So how do I respond to that? Do I just say yes, and that I would come by if he wants to talk some more? I have some things to pick up at his place (pj's, bathroom items, etc) and he has my housekey, I have his. Or do I just keep saying We will talk tonight. I told him I'd be there at 7.
Pyro Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Thanks guys. I have to drive there anyway to buy my daughter a birthday present, it's only 45 minutes, no big deal if the roads are good. We normally email each other several times a day, and today he emailed me about "being so quiet" because I haven't emailed him. I said I was saving it up for tonight. He said Not looking forward to it and I didn't reply and just got another email asking if we're breaking up. So how do I respond to that? Do I just say yes, and that I would come by if he wants to talk some more? I have some things to pick up at his place (pj's, bathroom items, etc) and he has my housekey, I have his. Or do I just keep saying We will talk tonight. I told him I'd be there at 7. Yeah you shouldn't have given him any hints to begin with. Don't answer it. Save your energy for tonight because you are going to need it.
Art_Critic Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Yeah you shouldn't have given him any hints to begin with. Don't answer it. Save your energy for tonight because you are going to need it. I agree with Riddler.. but if feel you must answer an email if or he keeps on emailing you then simply say that you will talk tonight.. Period.. that you don't want to talk about your relationship via email.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Well, I had to reply in all fairness to him. I didn't want to leave him hanging all day. So I told him Yes, we are breaking up and that I'd come by tonight to talk if he wanted to. Well he said unless we can resolve it, then dont bother coming, he will get my key and stuff back tome. So I replied with the things I wanted to say (kept it short). He is hurting says it's pretty sad that I say I love you and care about you and then say we don't have a future. So I replied with "When was the last time I said I love you?" I know that wasn't a good idea to say that. I guess he doesn't want to talk. I feel like crap.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 OK I sent another one apologizing for the harsh comment and said that a relationship is alot more than just love and sex, it's about values and compatibility and that our basic outlook on life is just too different. He tried to make light of it saying "lavalife here I come - I still have credits " I wasn't amused but he is trying to hurt less. He really is a good hearted guy....he cares about me and it showed, but I just didn't see a future
Pyro Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 IMO, not the best way to go about it but you did get done what you said that you needed to do. I don't see him giving up just like that. Expect some emails and calls from him.
alphamale Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 He really is a good hearted guy....he cares about me and it showed, but I just didn't see a future once again..."nice guy" loses....oh well but i'm glad you told him by email and spared him the humiliation in person
Pyro Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Here are some of the main reasons: -He's not that into my kids. -He is lazy and unmotivated, house is falling apart and he doesn't care. -He complains about everything, does nothing to change a situation, and gets defensive if I try to push or motivate him (this could be my problem, he may see me as a bit of a nag). -We don't have much in common although have shown interest in each others uh..interests. once again..."nice guy" loses....oh well but i'm glad you told him by email and spared him the humiliation in person Where on that list does it show any signs of a "nice guy"? Sounds more like a jerk then a "nice guy". She was not happy with him and they just were not compatible. Simple as that.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Alpha, i know you've read some of my other posts, and you should know how I've struggled with my feelings for him in the past. I have given him lots of chances. Do you really want to know what the final straw was? I had offered to help him paint his walls and asked if he would go buy paint. He complained about having to buy some kind of wash stuff for the walls first and it would be a pain in the a$$. I felt like saying So then go buy the friggin wash stuff first, then buy the paint and we'll get it done! But I didn't want to be a nag! Then a week later, I noticed my ex had painted his own kitchen, put it all back together and it looked great. It just shows that if I wasn't happy with my ex, why in god's name do I think I'd be happy with someone as unmotivated as the bf? I tried to look ahead and only could see myself suffering from exhaustion doing all the housework, all the household maintenance, dealing with my kids myself, and while "having a bf" has been nice , he just wasn't the right guy for me.
Ssheena Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 You have two kids, you decided you didn't want another one to take care of. So similiar to my x. Unmotivated, never finishes anything he started, etc. Having a bf was nice but I know now I need someone who is as independant as I am. Put your kids and yourself first. Good decision.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 thanks. I went to his place and picked up my stuff. Not much was spoken. He doesn't understand how my feelings changed "so quick" like a flick of a switch. I told him I only wish it had been that easy and that I'd been having these feelings on and off and finally came to terms with the fact that I don't see a future for us. He will see in his own time, that this is for the best. He will think back and see things that will make sense and help him understand....right? He's a good person. Shyt...now he keeps sending me old texts I sent him. I'll let him get away with it while he's hurting. I feel bad though. But...who hasn't been through this right? We all get through it.
alphamale Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Shyt...now he keeps sending me old texts I sent him. yea I guess he is a loser....good riddance I say
Art_Critic Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Shyt...now he keeps sending me old texts I sent him. That sucks. I had kept a bunch of texts around for about 6 months from the girl that brought me to LS.. The same things that remind us of good times during the relationship become the reason for our hurt and pain after the breakup. You did good.. you sound like you let him down nicely.. well about as nice as a one way breakup can go.. You might consider blocking his texts or having your text capability shut off for a week or so if he keeps it up past tonight
Pyro Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 That sucks. I had kept a bunch of texts around for about 6 months from the girl that brought me to LS.. The same things that remind us of good times during the relationship become the reason for our hurt and pain after the breakup. You too huh? I did that with my first ex. I sure have learned a lot since.
alphamale Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 You might consider blocking his texts or having your text capability shut off for a week or so if he keeps it up past tonight apparently many men now a days don't believe in keeping their dignity intact whilst going down with the ship.
oppath Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Your basic premise for the breakup, that you don't see a future with him, was the right way to go. You gave no false hope despite professing you care about him. I wish my ex had been so kind. You made it about the relationship, not about him, and you didn't make some BS excuse about it being about you. You have spared him confusion in the long run. I applaud you for your reasoning. Most people aren't so kind. Actually, I think you did the right thing in announcing there was something you want to talk about. Had you been able to break up with him face-to-face, this would have prepared him to ask questions instead of just being in shock. My only criticism is that email was used, but you aren't the only one at fault for that. Let him hurt. Ignore it as much as you can. Be firm with him but affirm him as a person (without false hope). I think you've been very honest and clear to this point and eventually, he will see this and be thankful for it.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Thanks for all your support and suggestions...LS comes thru again I think he was only trying to send me a goodbye text, but he was drunk. I text'd him saying Please don't...after his third attempt. Then he said "goodbye?" and I replied "Goodnight". This morning (I had turned the phone off), it was kind of sad, I had gotten a text that said "my phon is fugged up bi ex gurl frund" yep he hit the whisky pretty hard last night. I feel bad when I think about him, because face it, we all know how it feels to be dumped. But I do feel a sense of relief. The last few times I was at his place I really didn't want to be there. I honestly don't think I will miss that...some things for sure I will miss but well, thanks my friends.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 Well, here's an update. We exchanged a few emails over the last week. I guess he wanted to understand. So it was obvious we needed to talk about things and got together today. I told him not to get his hopes up and neither did I, as I also had no idea if we would reconcile. The whole time I still had this nagging feeling that something wasn't right. He talked, I talked, we kissed a bit, yet he still acted like we were broken up, except he had cleaned his house and made dinner. It was nice. But I told him I still didn't feel that we could pull it off....that we would end up where we are now. He didn't argue, didn't say anything about working on the communication and stuff. All my reasons seemed so trivial to him, as he put it. I came clean about a few things that were not good, like for instance a few months into the relationship and one other time, I went on a dating site. I told him because I didn't want there to be any secrets in our relationship. I came clean. I also told him I talked to old friends (guys) on msn and it was just chit chat, and the reason was that I didn't think I needed to stop talking to them just because I had a boyfriend. Anyway, then he said "well if it makes you feel better, (insert his ex gf's name here) gave me a blowjob a month ago" I l-l-lost it. I couldn't breathe. It felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I got up and left. Told him I can't believe I had considered getting back together, he said you never did, I said I did. He said well you probably feel better now, I said no actually I feel like puking. and I left. I know I probably got what I deserved. But can't imagine if I ever found out later if I did get back with him. gawd.
Ssheena Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 OMG! I felt like I got kicked in the stomach reading that. That is low low low. What a D*ck! He must have been trying to hurt you like he is hurting. A month ago??? Weren't you guys still together then? How f*ing immature. You may be only $39.95 but he is not worth a dime! I'm so sorry. Be glad you are done with him.
Art_Critic Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 He lied !!!! All he did was make you hurt.... What a dickhead.. not much of man.... Time to finally block him and never speak to him.. K ?
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted March 26, 2007 Author Posted March 26, 2007 awww thanks guys. I told him "a month ago things were fine" and he said no they weren't, you were on that dating site! I said no, but I did try and talk to you. He would never have told me about it if I wanted to get back together. Anyway, yeah he text'd me on the way home said sorry and drive carefully (lots of fog on the highway) I didn't reply, won't reply, and if he emails me, I will say my reply in my head and hit delete instead of send. Wanna hear something weird? They only dated for 7 months. He got her pregnant early on, and she miscarried barely two months into it. He told me he never wanted it anyway. I still always felt they had a connection that we never achieved. That she had some hold on him. I knew this one friend of his kept in touch with her, and sure enough it was at his place this happened. Anyway, I did alot of praying the last few days asking God to help me decide what to do. I am not a jesus freak or anything, but I take my kids to sunday school so I do have some faith LOL. Anyway, I guess that was the nagging feeling I had today telling me this wasn't right.
Recommended Posts