norajane Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Do you love your gf? Feel passion for her? Feel compassion for her? Want to give her your best? Did you ever feel any of those things for her? What happened that you set that aside for an affair? Unless you have a desire, deep down, to repair your relationship with your gf, reading all kinds of relationship advice is useless. You have to WANT to be with her. You have to WANT to fix things with her.
Author stockmos Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Do you love your gf? Feel passion for her? Feel compassion for her? Want to give her your best? Did you ever feel any of those things for her? What happened that you set that aside for an affair? Unless you have a desire, deep down, to repair your relationship with your gf, reading all kinds of relationship advice is useless. You have to WANT to be with her. You have to WANT to fix things with her. OK, let's cut to the chase here and get down to the nitty-gritty. I do feel those things you say. What made me set that aside for an affair? OK: I felt that she was controlling, did not listen to me, over-rode my feelings and sometimes belittled and mimicked me or made me feel small. Obviously all these things were passion-killers. Examples: Once when I had a friend to stay, she said directly to him. "Don't you think "stockmos" is a bit strange?" She once said to my mum ""Don't you think "stockmos" is secretive?" (My mum repiled "No, I think he's pretty straightforward, actually") She chooses things such as holidays and films and then asks me if I want to do them. The only way I could choose a holiday was to treat her to it. When I reminded her of this once she said "Yes, but I think that was because you wanted to go on that holiday." Once I bought her a bag and she said she hoped I had not spent a lotn of money on it as she did not want that sort of bag. I ended up in tears. I also once brought her a lot of things after a trip, including a necklace, and she said: "It's very sweet, but you know I am into wearing these longer necklaces now." She imitates things such as my laugh and accent and when I complain says it is just her cruel sense of humour. When we went for a meal two weeks ago I was talking about a book project I am preparing that will take up much of the summer. When she asked how much money I would make and I gave an estimate, she said "Oh, that's only just a little bit more than I make in a month." She dismisses. When I said once that I did not have these problems in my previous relationship, she said: "But she was was just a young girl and you did not even live together. You cannot possibly compare it." I have told her about these things and she says she has tried to improve. Admittedly, she is not as bad as she was at the beginning, when it was almost insufferable.
Guest Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 My questions is .... If you are not married to your girlfriend, then why not end the relationship with her and pursue the relationship with the other woman since it sounds like she is single too. Part of dating is finding out who you want to be with. It is obvious you don't want to be with your girlfriend, but want to be with the other woman. Did you end the relaionship or did the other woman? Are you the co-dependent one in the relationship with your girlfriend? Are you afraid the other woman doesn't want to have a long term serious relationship so you are staying with a sure thing because you are afraid to be alone? There is more going on here than has been stated I suspect. There would be no reason to stay in a relationship with someone you don't want to be with and don't love when you have the opportunity to be with your "soul mate". Your single, time to move on and be with the one you want to be with...........if she wants you???????
Author stockmos Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 While, I'm in full flow, it was asked why I did not leave to be with the OW. Well, when I was with the OW it really felt like heaven when things were "normal". However, I got some big red flags on occasions when I tried to end the affair. Once she said "if I can't have you, I'll make sure no-one can" and theatened to write to my gf. When I naively attempted to end the affair and suggested we be friends, I said we could go out on the strict understanding it was platonic. When I then refused to spend the night with her, she told me I was "screwed up" and after I went home she sent me texts and emails saying I was an idiot, had ruined her life and she felt sorry for anyone who came my way. There have been 2-3 occasions of this sort of behaviour. On another similar occasion she theatened to camp outside my home. She has had at least three one night stands while I have known her, with complete strangers she has just picked up. Of course, she is free to do this. She dated another guy and slept with him. When he got cold feet, she continued to call and text him for several weeks afterwards even though he gave no further cause for encouragement. It feels good writing this stuff down.
lorr Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I agree that Co-dependency is a pattern of personality/behaviour which causes people to stay in relationships or in a variety of situations which are unhealthy and bad for them. From reading certain books about it, psychologists cannot quite pinpoint what makes people co-dependent but there are theories. One of the theories is that if you are treated badly by your parents, friends, or previous lovers, that put you down, it feels odd if someone is nice to you.Subconciously you choose nasty over nice, because that is what your used too. Another theory are those people who have had a wonderful childhood or a postive past relationship,where it doesn't register to them that people can be mean. So they put up with appalling behaviour as they believe that it is not directed at them. But anyway apart from that it seems that your girlfriend has underlaying issues. From what you've just posted things seem a little clearer regarding your girlfriends treatment towards you. Although she acted this way towards you, it still does not excuse the affair. I'm still not sure why the both of you are still together as it looks like the both of you need to do alot of growing up apart without being in each others pocket.
lorr Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Reading your post about the OW, it seems like you really know how to pick em.Jesus another one with issues. First things first is that without a doubt,you really need to start working on yourself. At least you've admitted the true depth of what's really been going on.
norajane Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 OK, let's cut to the chase here and get down to the nitty-gritty. I do feel those things you say. What made me set that aside for an affair? OK: I felt that she was controlling, did not listen to me, over-rode my feelings and sometimes belittled and mimicked me or made me feel small. Obviously all these things were passion-killers. I have told her about these things and she says she has tried to improve. Admittedly, she is not as bad as she was at the beginning, when it was almost insufferable. I see that you had issues with your gf and things were not great between you. Do you see that having an affair was not the "solution" to those problems? Do you see that you made a choice to avoid dealing with the problems by "escaping" into an affair? Many people have issues with their partners, but they do not choose to have an affair, because affairs do not solve problems, but create more. Since you were able to tell your gf about the problems and things did actually improve over time, you should have seen that you should have continued talking and working through your issues. Now that you have already had the affair, all the problems are magnified. She is hardly going to want to accommodate your needs in the relationship because you hurt her with the affair. However, you won't be able to make this relationship work until you do work through those issues. So you have to talk with her and communicate how you were feeling about those issues. That's why I recommend couples counseling. You need help in dealing with the underlying issues in the relationship as well as in dealing with the consequences of the affair.
Author stockmos Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Reading your post about the OW, it seems like you really know how to pick em.Jesus another one with issues. . Spoken like a true Brit, Good grief, you ought to meet some of my friends.
CatFish Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 It feels good writing this stuff down. Yes it does Stockmos. I too ended an affair a couple of weeks ago. It didn't take long for the OM the find another "soul mate". There were "red flag" moments throughout the course of the affair for me as well. These moments are the facts that you need to write down and remind yourself during your mourning period and they will help you to see that you are better off out of the affair. Yes, it is very hard and slow to recover from an affair. You need to allow yourself some time to grieve and reflect on the reasons why the affair begun. You need to understand why you felt passion, excitement and lust for the OW. There is this sense of bewilderment "Did I really do that?" "Who am I?" "What kind of a person has an affair?". We are all capable of having affairs. I found this out the hard way. Its all about self control and choice. We choose to cross the boundaries between female-male platonic relationships. We are aware that more intense feelings are developing in these friendships and yet we feel compelled to uncover what they are. No time for guilt though. Do not feel guilt. Channel your energies into turning this learning experience into something positive. Write down, who are you? What do you want? Similar to other posts, use this time to re-discover yourself. You are not the same person as you were before the affair. I have come out of the affair and find that I am more sensitive and empathetic towards others who are in similar situations. Sitting on my perch, as many others do in this forum, it is easy to judge others who engage in affairs and claim that they are bad people. We are not bad just lost. I lost my head and engaged in an affair that has changed the way I view myself, changed my goals and made me more determined to re-build my relationship with my husband. Why do you stay in your current relationship? Out of guilt? Can you feel passionate towards your girlfriend again? Don't think that it could ever go back to what it was before the affair, you don't want that anyway. There are needs that you describe in earlier posts that are not being met. You need to decide whether you wish to re-build your relationship with your girlfriend but to a different model because the one you had earlier left you exposed and vulnerable. This process is not an easy one but I can tell you first hand that it can be done. I too have been online to marriagebuilders.com and I find the information posted there very useful. As for this "friends" concept with the OW, I personally think it a load of bs. Tried and tested. Its just an excuse for the OW to come into your head and screw with it. The NC works best and though it is hard, as I know, because you constantly want to pick up the phone and call them, but then realise you can't, in the long run it works out better for you. I deleted OM from my contact list so that I couldn't contact him and then when he continued to call me, I changed my mobile phone number. In fact, I dropped my phone into a pool so that I would destroy both the handset and the SIM card and then used the excuse to obtain a new mobile number. My husband couldn't believe I could be so clumsy but I know better. Its a small price to pay for freedom and piece of mind. If you want to remain in the relationship with your girlfriend, you need to make some decisions. Best of luck.
lorr Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Oh believe me when some of us Brits have to put up with ever increasing tax rises etc. The last thing that we bloody need is a relationship that is going to cause even more drama.
Frances Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 It would be kinder in the long run to break up with your girl friend. She would recover and get someone else who would really care for her. You are only keeping her on so you are not lonely.
scubafish Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 everyone has a situation that is different, I didn't see how long you were in relationship with g/f mentioned here. in a way, I am like your g/f in situation. my guy expressed the same sentiments you mention in your first post. but, he also knows that a relationship born in secrecy, and the inital excitement/infatuation, may not be best indication for relationship, so he went back and forth trying to decide. I did not 'kick his butt to the curb' over this, and I do not believe it is because co-dependent. I had loved him for 20 years, and we have had a great relationship for all but last year. our sex life had gotten dull, and I believe that is basic problem. we never fought, we had hobbies we enjoyed together, and we communicated well about our needs. About the same time his job situation started to decrease, his mother illness was becoming a problem, and our sex life decreased, he started this affair. I guess this is the reason I am trying to work through it with him, not that I 'need' him for any other reason. I just believe we have something worth saving. yes, I have lost alot of respect for him, for what he did, but I can still love him, in spite of that. to quote something else I read 'I cannot remember a time in my life when I did not love him', this is what fuels my patience right now. He is out of my life mostly, right now, while he is working through his problems. I could not bear to sit here while he was 'pining' away for his loss over her. He can come back when he gets over her though. I do not know how long your g/f will ba able to do it with you, it does corrode the feelings. I also know, that when he talked about OW, he also realized there were some big 'red flags' that he was not sure about. he also realized that he might be blinded to some problems because he only would see her for short periods, and living day to day is different from the fantasy he held. I still hurt terribly over this, but it is best to separate if you cannot give your g/f 100% effort, or it will never work. just my humble opinion..
scubafish Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Like what Chapter 2 said its the whole co-dependency issue. She is clearly sticking with you because she has no self respect and low self esteem, and that is not what a relationship should be based on.IMHO I think the damage has already been done, and some how I don't hold out that the relationship is going to work out in the foreseeable future. The most important thing you need to do is to be man enough to let her go whilst in the process getting yourself together and figuring out what it is that you want to do. I am not sure you can 'clearly' know this about someone else you do not really know. I agree with your posts mostly there Lorr, but , since I am relating to stockmos g/f, this is about me as well. My self respect may be a little damaged, because I hate feeling like I allowed my self to be hurt, an feel a bit at fault as well for affair. but to say I have none is wrong. I also believe I do not have low self esteem. I get hit on quit a bit when out with or without friends, I have been told I would be a 'great catch', and I know I would be dating someone very decent the minute I decide I am ready to date, but I am not ready to throw away the possibility of an even better relatioanship if we can get through this. to me, it is like scrapping out your classic Mustang because it might need a valve job. yes, it is going to take some work and adjustment, but afterwards, it will run fantastic, and you'll be glad you did not give the car away! (I know, not many situations will work out this great!)
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