stockmos Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I had an affair on/off for 14 months. Now it is over and we have gone NC (I believe she is seriously dating someone else as well, though because of NC not sure). I feel as the bottom has dropped out of my world. I feel low nearly all the time, or at least with a heavy cloud over me. She was my lover, friend and yes, soulmate. I laughed with her more than with anyone before - we laughed *together* and made love like never before. Maybe it was an illusion but it was real to me. I have never felt such mourning for anyone. I feel as if I have lost the person I could have spent the rest of my life with, something I never felt when previous relationships ended. At the same time my betrayed live-in girlfriend is trying to rebuild the relationship between us and though I want to, I cannot put my heart into it due to being in great grief. I do not want to be physical with her at all - but at the same time I can hardly tell her, even though she knows I had an affair, that is at least partly because I am in deep mourning for lost love. My girlfriend makes quite frequent references to the affair, such as that I probably never had any trouble being turned on by "her", which while totally understandable, does not help. On top of this I feel bad about myself and am having difficulty coming to terms with what happened and what I did. I have spent large sums of money on individual therapy as well. I just do not see how things can get better or what I can do to make them better.
norajane Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 May it's time to break up with your live-in girlfriend and move out. If you have gone to therapy and you still can't forget your other woman and things are still bad at home, perhaps it's time to end things with your gf so both of you can move on. How long ago did your affair end, how long ago did your gf discover it, and how long have you been in therapy? If the end of the affair and the disovery is recent, you might want to give it more time. If it's been a long time and nothing is better, ending it might be best for your gf. Have you and your gf gone to couples therapy?
Jinxx Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 As someone who is recovering from my own affair with a mm, I left my marriage, he didn't and I knew up front he never will. There are no easy answers. But if something is lacking in your relatioship with your girlfriend then it is tiime to re-think your relationship with her and move on. As you, I mourn daily. Some days are good while others are horrid, one of them being today. All's you can do is work to put it behind you and find activities that keep you going. Good luck to you. I know what it is like first hand the pain and suffering you are going through. A real bitch isn't it?!
Author stockmos Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 May it's time to break up with your live-in girlfriend and move out. If you have gone to therapy and you still can't forget your other woman and things are still bad at home, perhaps it's time to end things with your gf so both of you can move on. How long ago did your affair end, how long ago did your gf discover it, and how long have you been in therapy? If the end of the affair and the disovery is recent, you might want to give it more time. If it's been a long time and nothing is better, ending it might be best for your gf. Have you and your gf gone to couples therapy? Thanks norajane. The affair stumbled on and and finally ended in totality a week ago. I told my gf voluntarily about it last August and have been in therpay since just then. I suggested couples therapy but she said that was only for people who wanted to break up relationships but didn't dare do it on their own.
Author stockmos Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 A real bitch isn't it?! Thanks a lot Jinxx... yes it really is! I never guessed I would ever feel this bad. I am a creative person and the affair drained the creativity out of me. I do find focusing on something creative does help a lot.
norajane Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Thanks norajane. The affair stumbled on and and finally ended in totality a week ago. I told my gf voluntarily about it last August and have been in therpay since just then. I suggested couples therapy but she said that was only for people who wanted to break up relationships but didn't dare do it on their own. You told your gf about your affair in August, but have still been carrying on until last week??? Does your gf know that you have been seeing her for these last 6 months? You're really being very unfair to your gf to expect her to get over it and stop bringing it up when you were still in the affair, even it was behind her back again. Dude, how did you expect to make anything better with your gf if you were still seeing the OW??? How did you expect to get over the OW if you were still seeing her? It's only been a week since you ended your affair. You can't expect your feelings to just disappear. Consider, really think hard and consider, whether your gf means anything to you and whether you really want to be with her. If you do, you'd do everything in your power to cut all contact with the OW and devote your energy to making your gf feel better. Channel your 'mourning' into creative ways to actively be loving toward your gf.
Salicious Crumb Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I just do not see how things can get better or what I can do to make them better. Well it won't get better for the simple fact that you made absolutely NO reference to feeling remorse about what you did to your girlfriend. All you wanted to dwell on is that you lost this other woman. and you called her your soulmate...well if thats the case..why didn't you break up with your girlfriend to be with your "soulmate"??
lorr Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Have to agree with Salicious Crumb on this one. Although you confessed to your girlfriend last year, you can't expect her to just forget about what you've done,and you had the bare faced cheek to continue with the affair up until last week.Could you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot(the thought of your partner doing intimate things with another bloke). It seems obvious that you weren't happy in the relationship to begin with, and if anything you should have had the guts to end things properly which would have left you free to pursue the OW. You clearly are not ready for a relationship right now, and I think the best thing you need to do is be on your own for awhile so you can just sort yourself out.
Author stockmos Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 I can't fault any of those three replies. My gf knew I carried on contact until recently. Problems are: 1. It's all very well talking about channeling the mourning into being with my gf; put into practice that is a much more difficult proposition. I can't *help* feeling grief, even if I acted wrongly. Right now I feel grief. 2. I feel bad about myself and what happened. I don't want to revive the relationship out of guilt and feeling remorse and sorrow. 3. My gf does not trust me - this continually erodes the relationship. Maybe she will never trust me again. 4. I do not understand why my gf sticks with me. She says she loves me, but I have difficulty understanding how she can feel pure love after what has happened. It is impossible to be in love with someone you do not understand. If she had thrown out all my belongings and changed the locks that would have been easier to understand and in a way therefore easier to rebuild after. All put together, that makes the relationship feel a bit like revisiting a favourite childhood place. The memories feel good and in some ways it's nice to be there. But you're not a child anymore, and you can never replicate what you had there as a child and never will, even if you try your socks off to do so.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 1. It's all very well talking about channeling the mourning into being with my gf; put into practice that is a much more difficult proposition. I can't *help* feeling grief, even if I acted wrongly. Right now I feel grief. It's unfair of you to put that on your girlfriend. And it's unfair for HER that she has to deal with your grief over the OW. I'm sure that hurts her alot. 2. I feel bad about myself and what happened. I don't want to revive the relationship out of guilt and feeling remorse and sorrow. Then end it with your girlfriend. See how you both feel in afew months. 3. My gf does not trust me - this continually erodes the relationship. Maybe she will never trust me again Yes, but it was your doing. You chose to cheat on her, and now you're suffering the consquences. What are YOU doing to help her trust you again? How are YOU bettering yourself, making yourself to be trustworthy in her eyes? She is giving you a chance to make things right....Can you prove to her that you are changing, and will do whatever it takes for her to gain that trust and faith back in you? 4. I do not understand why my gf sticks with me. She says she loves me, but I have difficulty understanding how she can feel pure love after what has happened. It is impossible to be in love with someone you do not understand. If she had thrown out all my belongings and changed the locks that would have been easier to understand and in a way therefore easier to rebuild after. She loves you enough to see that you two hopefully can work through this. That's a special quality in HER... Once your sadness is over about OW, hopefully those feelings will come back for your gf. And the relationship will be even better than it was once before. now is the time to work on yourself, fix any problems that was IN the relationship before you cheated - And together you two can achieve a more honest relationship, that not only means talking, but really listening and understanding eachother...
Can'tGiveUp Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I had an affair on/off for 14 months. Now it is over and we have gone NC (I believe she is seriously dating someone else as well, though because of NC not sure). I feel as the bottom has dropped out of my world. I feel low nearly all the time, or at least with a heavy cloud over me. She was my lover, friend and yes, soulmate. I laughed with her more than with anyone before - we laughed *together* and made love like never before. Maybe it was an illusion but it was real to me. You broke up with your "soulmate" last week and you think she is seriously dating someone else already?? I guess she didn't think you were soulmates. Maybe you should just try and work it out with your GF...she seems to believe it is worth working on since she stuck around for the past 6 months.
Chapter2 Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Because she is seriously codependent and she's calling it love. You cannot have love without respect...its impossible. Your betrayal was disrespect and staying with you leaves her with no self respect. 4. I do not understand why my gf sticks with me. She says she loves me, but I have difficulty understanding how she can feel pure love after what has happened. It is impossible to be in love with someone you do not understand. If she had thrown out all my belongings and changed the locks that would have been easier to understand and in a way therefore easier to rebuild after.
lorr Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Like what Chapter 2 said its the whole co-dependency issue. She is clearly sticking with you because she has no self respect and low self esteem, and that is not what a relationship should be based on.IMHO I think the damage has already been done, and some how I don't hold out that the relationship is going to work out in the foreseeable future. The most important thing you need to do is to be man enough to let her go whilst in the process getting yourself together and figuring out what it is that you want to do.
Author stockmos Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Well, some great responses straight to the heart of the matter. And they do also reveal a dilemma. On one hand, we have: She loves you enough to see that you two hopefully can work through this. That's a special quality in HER... Once your sadness is over about OW, hopefully those feelings will come back for your gf. And the relationship will be even better than it was once before. now is the time to work on yourself, fix any problems that was IN the relationship before you cheated - And together you two can achieve a more honest relationship, that not only means talking, but really listening and understanding eachother... ...which seems a very level-headed post... but then we have this point of view, which rings a big bell: She is clearly sticking with you because she has no self respect and low self esteem, and that is not what a relationship should be based on.IMHO I think the damage has already been done, and some how I don't hold out that the relationship is going to work out in the foreseeable future. But I guess that's something I have to find out for myself, or at least by myself and with therpay, self-help books, this site, etc etc... Thanks for all the replies, every one was valuable.
Author stockmos Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Just to throw something else into the mix, found on the net: "Also worth noting is that there is a belief by some that Codependency is not a negative, and doesn't need to be treated, as it is simply a personality trait."
Citizen Erased Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 If you count another woman as your soul mate then you need to leave your girlfriend. Love cannot be forced, and you are just hurting your partner more by staying with her.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I do not understand why my gf sticks with me. I'm not entirely sure why you are sticking with her. I don't think I've read a single thing in this thread that explains why you want to keep your relationship with her. I've only read great grief and despair over losing your OW. What keeps you holding on to your gf if it is apparent and obvious that you do not love her in the way that is necessary to keep a relationship going? I know if I were in your gf's position, I'd much rather the relationship ended than to be stuck with someone who is pining over someone else. That would suck - much worse than an actual breakup.
Author stockmos Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Yes, but if you read a point of view such as that expressed on http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ even a relationship in such a state as ours can be restored and become healthy. That site also criticizes the codependency "movement". ???
Author stockmos Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 If you count another woman as your soul mate then you need to leave your girlfriend. Love cannot be forced, and you are just hurting your partner more by staying with her. Yes, but a lot of people on here swear that an affair, and intense feelings within it, is an illusion and the right thing to do is end it and go work on your existing relationship.
Citizen Erased Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Yes, but a lot of people on here swear that an affair, and intense feelings within it, is an illusion and the right thing to do is end it and go work on your existing relationship. Can you honestly look inside yourself and say that what you had with the OW was an illusion? We all have more control over ourselves then we think. I think it is total bs to say that it is an illusion. It may be a sympton of bigger problems with your marriage, but you picked this specific person to have your affair with, and you speak of her with more passion then you do of the person you are trying to work through your relationship with
Author stockmos Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Can you honestly look inside yourself and say that what you had with the OW was an illusion? We all have more control over ourselves then we think. I think it is total bs to say that it is an illusion. It may be a sympton of bigger problems with your marriage, but you picked this specific person to have your affair with, and you speak of her with more passion then you do of the person you are trying to work through your relationship with Well, these are the sort of things I am trying to get my head around, and one reason I am in therapy, reading self-help books, posting on here etc. The nature of the live-in relationship I am in, in fact being in a long live-in relationship at all, the affair, considering ending a relationship, this is all new territory for me.
Author stockmos Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 With the multitude of advice available, how does one know which advice to follow? Here for a start is some of the things you can read/hear, all put forward with equal conviction, and often by "professionals": 1. a) An affair is a relationship wrecker - with the breaking of trust and other factors, there's only one way - out of the door! b) Even a relationship seemingly right on the brink can be saved. It's possible to build a healthy relationship even after multiple affairs. 2. a) Co-dependent relationships are bad news - get out! b) The co-dependent theory is "a wolf in sheep's clothing and a marriage wrecker". The whole co-dependency thing is overblown and unsound. 3. a) Affairs are an illusion - it's not real! It'll never last! b) Affairs are not necessarily an illusion.
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 If you truely love your girlfriend and WANT it to work out, it can and will, as long as BOTH of you work together to make the relationship better than it was before. Something inside you wasn't right, or some needs weren't being met, enough that the OW got your attention and you chose to cheat. The key is, fix whatever it is that opened your eyes to another woman. WHY did you let yourself fall....Was it love? Sexual attraction? A crush? These are all things you need to figure out on your own, with counselling...Your gf can't help you through that - Though she can help you IN your present relationship with her.
Author stockmos Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 If you truely love your girlfriend and WANT it to work out, it can and will, as long as BOTH of you work together to make the relationship better than it was before. Something inside you wasn't right, or some needs weren't being met, enough that the OW got your attention and you chose to cheat. The key is, fix whatever it is that opened your eyes to another woman. WHY did you let yourself fall....Was it love? Sexual attraction? A crush? These are all things you need to figure out on your own, with counselling...Your gf can't help you through that - Though she can help you IN your present relationship with her. Oh, GOOD POST!!!
Author stockmos Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Anyway, lorr and Chapter2 say co-dependency is a major issue in this /similar situations. But I am reading elsewhere that the whole co-dependency thing is challengeable as a concept, e.g. marriagebuilders.com: "I attended a workshop on co-dependency a few years ago where we were told that co-dependency was wrong in any relationship. As those of us in the audience questioned the proposal, we all began to realize that we were all co-dependent, as defined by the workshop leader. Many of us complained that the very definition was so broad as to include most of humanity (excluding sociopathic people, of course). They felt that their co-dependent tendencies didn't seem to be a problem for them, so why should they try to overcome it. The workshop leader himself was at a loss to explain why they should change, except to express the warning that it leads to "stress, fatigue, burnout and eventually serious physical illness.""
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