heatseeker411 Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 It's my last semester of college, and I have finally met someone whom I can't get enough of. She's everything I have ever looked for in a woman and more. I am falling for her in a way that I never have before. She appears in my dreams on an almost nightly basis now, and I have even gotten back into writing music (or trying to) because of the way she makes me feel. We spend time together socially, almost always with groups of friends, and we tend to latch onto one another. I feel like we have an amazing connection. We even have nicknames for each other. The problem is that she's in a relationship. I don't know how serious this relationship is, because she has never once brought it up. Even when she is talking about him, she refers to him as "someone I know" or "one of my friends". The only reason I know about him at all is because it's up on Facebook. It's things like this that get me confused. There are so many mixed signals flying around. While she seems reluctant to bring up her boyfriend, she seems eager to make plans with me. She'll find little reasons to touch me (a poke here, a playful kick there). She doesn't break eye contact. If her boyfriend calls (and I only know it's him by my gut reaction), she'll excuse herself and take the call in another room. When I drop her off, she'll lean over and give me a shy little hug. I make a conscious effort to refrain from touching her, telling her that she's beautiful, returning her gaze and giving her real hugs because I don't feel like it would be appropriate for me to do these things while knowing that she is in a relationship, but I am really head over heels and it's driving me crazy. Is there any other way that I can show or tell her how I feel?
norajane Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Are you a confident, flirty gentleman? If so, you can try doing something like this: Flirt with her and compliment her (stopping short of kissing or anything like that!) outrageously, but always end it with a rueful smile and shake of your head and say something like, "Ah, if only you weren't dating someone!" and stare into her eyes while saying it. I have had gentleman do this with me, and it really works well. They let me know they're attracted, but that they won't cross the line because I'm taken. If I'm close with my bf, then I can respond like, "If I weren't with my bf, I might take you up on that!" No one says too much or does too much, but if I'm not close with my bf, it gives me something to consider. But you have to be confident and flirty to pull it off. And you have to appear unphased if she tells you she's not available, and just laugh it off or tell her, "It's my loss then" and kiss her hand and wish her a good night.
DanielMadr Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Are you a confident, flirty gentleman? If so, you can try doing something like this: Flirt with her and compliment her (stopping short of kissing or anything like that!) outrageously, but always end it with a rueful smile and shake of your head and say something like, "Ah, if only you weren't dating someone!" and stare into her eyes while saying it. I have had gentleman do this with me, and it really works well. They let me know they're attracted, but that they won't cross the line because I'm taken. If I'm close with my bf, then I can respond like, "If I weren't with my bf, I might take you up on that!" No one says too much or does too much, but if I'm not close with my bf, it gives me something to consider. But you have to be confident and flirty to pull it off. And you have to appear unphased if she tells you she's not available, and just laugh it off or tell her, "It's my loss then" and kiss her hand and wish her a good night. Lady, you are dangerous:D It is very interesting approach. But when she is hesitant to mentioning her boyfriend, I would make a move first. Than you can start with things suggested by norajane. When Im confronted with 'OH but I have a boyfriend' I respond: a) Is it contagious? b) I bet I can beat him. c) Im not interested in him. Im interested in you. If you have sincere intentions with her, go for it. Its not like he is your best friend.
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Are you a confident, flirty gentleman? If so, you can try doing something like this: Flirt with her and compliment her (stopping short of kissing or anything like that!) outrageously, but always end it with a rueful smile and shake of your head and say something like, "Ah, if only you weren't dating someone!" and stare into her eyes while saying it. What a horrible suggestion! If you show her BF that kind of respect, how do you expect she will see it? "I love you honey, but I must respect the rights of this guy I don't even know." No, you must pretend her BF does not exist. That way, it will become true. You risk she will just be flattered to have two men love her and decide to keep both her BF and you.
Sand&Water Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 RE: Do your thing -that is continue to flirt with her in all the right ways, and by right ways I mean in a clean, light, gentleman-like manner. Above all don't show give off a moody, depressed, sad, uncomfortable vibe when you are around her -knowing that she is taken at the moment. Be cheerful, and energetic that you are able to spend quality time with her. Gradually leave a trail of bread crumbs leading to something special in your eyes -i.e. when you actually do decide to spill the beans. She will definitely pick up on the signals. Oh -and I must say: Ignore her boyfriend. IF you start to worry about all the tiny details she will begin to side track and worst comes to worst not reciprocate interest. Part of being a gentleman is knowing your boundaries -hence not suffocating her with your affections/feelings/interests. Sand&Water
amerikajin Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 At the end of the day, she's a taken woman. Hate to dump the bucket of ice cold water over your head in the morning but rise and shine, pal! There are times when your situation has turned out successful, but it's rare; the odds aren't with you. You have to understand the dynamics at play here: She's a woman in a relationship. Women have feelings. Women need to express those feelings. Women need to feel. Women in relationships often end up with men who, contrary to women, have a need to think and do and work on math problems and cars and go get shyte faced before the big game on Sundays. This leaves women left with little outlet for their feelings. So they end up doing girly crap like shopping with other women, and occasionally, if they're with a man who doesn't help them deal with their insecurities enough, they will eventually need to seek out the attention of other men to remind themselves that they are attractive, and they will flirt with men, who will hopefully validate them in return by telling them how beautiful they are, and 'Gosh, your boyfriend sure is a lucky guy'. And they'll tell you how sweet you are, and the two of you will have a few deep stares and gushy moments, and before you know it..... ...it's almost six o'clock. Sorry, dude...I gotta go. Biff and I are goin' out for dinner tonight, but give me your number I'll call you sometime."
jenmarisa Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I think you should be honest about your feelings and see what she says. If you don't, you'll always wonder...and if you follow other advice then you are just playing games which complicate matters even more. I was just on a site called http://www.GirlsAskGuys.com and there were dozens of posts from girls confused for the same reasons you are. If you read through some of those, you may have a better idea where she's coming from. At any rate, I really think honesty is the best policy here. Good luck!
amerikajin Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I think you should be honest about your feelings and see what she says. If you don't, you'll always wonder...and if you follow other advice then you are just playing games which complicate matters even more. I was just on a site called http://www.GirlsAskGuys.com and there were dozens of posts from girls confused for the same reasons you are. If you read through some of those, you may have a better idea where she's coming from. At any rate, I really think honesty is the best policy here. Good luck! blah! blah! blah! Honesty man! Yah! Rock on!
alphamale Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 At any rate, I really think honesty is the best policy here. Good luck! yeah JENMARISA....let me be "honest" about your first post....IT IS BAD ADVICE
Author heatseeker411 Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Thank you, everyone. I gave some thought to every one of your suggestions. There were definitely some approaches I hadn't thought of before, and some sobering insight as well. I'm a simple kind of guy when it comes to relationships. I have never believed in "saying all the right things" or tricking a girl into liking me. I'll probably hang in there for as long as I can, and then end up telling her about the way I feel. I realize that the odds aren't in my favor, but either I'll suddenly have a new relationship in the works, or I'll have a reason to try to put it behind me. Either way, at least we'll both know. But until then, I'm not going to count myself out of the game. I have a lot to offer, and if I've ever met someone worth going through some discomfort and frustration for, it's her. At the end of the day, I'm grateful that I am capable of liking someone this much.
alphamale Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 . I have a lot to offer, . if you have so much to offer, HS411, then why is she with him and not with you. Please explain this discrepancy.....and I want detail.
Erik Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I'll probably hang in there for as long as I can, and then end up telling her about the way I feel. Why don't you just get it over with and castrate yourself. It will save you from a life of misery.
amaysngrace Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Dude you're in friendship mode with this girl. No more...no less. She may like you a whole lot but the fact is she has a BF she likes better. Otherwise she'd reduce him to friend status and raise your level to BF. My advice is to do your own thing. Don't wait for her to come around.
Amontillado Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 If the question of "trying to be a gentleman" is important, then I think you need to be as honest as possible, and give her the chance to do the same. I'd suggest saying something like "I've started liking you a lot, and sometimes it's looked as if you felt the same about me. But I've also got the impression that you've got another relationship going on, and if that's more important to you I don't want to interfere with it. Maybe it's time you explained what's happening in your life." Or something of the kind. Not demanding, not pleading. Maybe this woman isn't really the kind of person who wants to keep two (or more??) relationships going at once, but she's just got into a situation where she knows she ought to make a choice, but keeps putting it off. Perhaps she'd really appreciate having a talk where she could get it all out into the open. Gentlemen, and the ladies they associate with, don't like the idea of sneaking around behind anyone's back.
Author heatseeker411 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 If the question of "trying to be a gentleman" is important, then I think you need to be as honest as possible, and give her the chance to do the same. I'd suggest saying something like "I've started liking you a lot, and sometimes it's looked as if you felt the same about me. But I've also got the impression that you've got another relationship going on, and if that's more important to you I don't want to interfere with it. Maybe it's time you explained what's happening in your life." Or something of the kind. Not demanding, not pleading. Maybe this woman isn't really the kind of person who wants to keep two (or more??) relationships going at once, but she's just got into a situation where she knows she ought to make a choice, but keeps putting it off. Perhaps she'd really appreciate having a talk where she could get it all out into the open. Gentlemen, and the ladies they associate with, don't like the idea of sneaking around behind anyone's back. I think that this is exactly what I will do. Thank you so much for putting into words what I could not!
Green Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 go ahead and say something silly like that but if I were you I'd just go in for it and kiss the girl. if she goes into the kiss and starts making out with you your in, if its a quick kiss just say wow that was nice I need another and go in for one more. have your talk about her breaking up after you get a kiss from her. and oh yeah be a man if you like this girl like no other then do something... I get the feeling u dont have to much experience with women and are not realy comfortible on what comes next I'll tell u she loses interest end of story you only have a small window of oportunity with a women and if u dont take ur often sol just remember there are plenty of fish out in that sea
Erik Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I think that this is exactly what I will do. Thank you so much for putting into words what I could not! She will laugh in your face and quote you to her BF, he will laugh at you too.
alphamale Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 She will laugh in your face and quote you to her BF, he will laugh at you too. and then come and beat the snot out of you
LN99 Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I know what its like to like someone who is in a relationship w/ someone else. Whats worse is when they lead you to believe they are interested in you and yet stay in their current relationship. Trust me, its a dead end for you with this person. The only way things are gonna change are if you step back from her and let her know that when she is "single" to come find you. Otherwise you will continue to be used as her emotional and physical doormat. Stop thinking "she's gonna break up with him soon" etc. Because chances are she won't. Why would she when she has you now and her bf as well? Do yourself a favor and distance yourself from her. Find someone else who is available and worth your time. Trust me, I had a hard time excepting this, but the sooner I did, the better off I was.
JCD Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I agree. Tell her how you feel about her and then if she declines you, distance yourself from her. Look, I know you love her tremendously BUT there are other girls out there that you can chase. At least with one of them you'll have a chance of a real relationship with and it will feel great. Also, when you hook up with another girl, you will forget about this one and that in itself is a great healing process. I've been there, trust me. Hoping for a girl to like you is for desperate and obsessive guys and you can choose to not be like this.
volleyballchick Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 welll i think that you should share one of the songs with her. maybe she isn't really into this other guy. who knows maybe she's head over heals for you too...try asking her bout her boyfriend. you seem very sweet and maybe in time she willl realize that she really wants to be with you just as bad as you wanna be with her. best of luck and let me know how things go
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