FRIENDS Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I am a male and there is a female coworker that I consider to be a friend. I am not and never was looking for more than a friendship with her. I have known her for about five months and she has helped me a lot. I also try to be there for her whenever she needs me. I know that she has wanted a casual friendship. We go out at lunch time about every two weeks and have had few problems up to now. We never see each other outside of work or talk to each other outside of work- except for a rare e-mail. Last Tuesday, I asked her about us going out at lunch time next week- We had gone out the previous Friday. I also asked her if she would like to go out occasionally as friends (1x/ month or less) outside of work. She responded by saying that I am too eager and too attentive for the casual coworker friendship that we should be having. She said that my staying with her the whole time that we went shopping recently was not normal and that it is crowding to her. She also said seeing her on a Friday and then asking her on Tuesday about another lunch outing is eager and crowding to her. She said that she is no longer comfortable spending time with me and that she wants me to break the habit of being too attentive. I want to broaden my social network and also increase the amount of dating that I do. In view of that, how attentive is too attentive to a person and how do I know? Also, do you think I have no chance of seeing my coworker alone again at lunch time or do you think if I wait a month or so and ask that she might change her mind? All I want is a friendship and she has issues that I can help her with by listening to her if she would only let me. Thanks.
Magnatolia Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 When you followed her shopping, how long was this for? Did you actually look at anything? I can understand her problem if you spent the whole time literally following in her footsteps and not actually looking at the stuff in the shop. I suggest replying and just apologizing that she feels that way. Let her know that you thought she was comfortable with the time between lunches because she had been agreeing. But every person is different. There was a girl at work I used to email, we emailed back and forth probably a few days constantly then I noticed her reply times were getting longer and longer so I did the same. We don't chat much anymore but that's because she's got a lot of work. Then there's a girl who I usually lunch with once a week when I work near her. No problem there, although sometimes it's once every two weeks if she's busy. The word attentive brings a few things to mind. Do you stare at her a lot? Make sure you look around you (but don't look like you're bored). And when I read that last bit about her problems, that could be where the attentive issue is. How do you actually know she wants you to help her with her issues? If you keep pressing her or trying to get her to 'open up' that's classed as attentive - showing too much attention on a subject she may not wish to talk about. I read somewhere once that women talk to other people about their problems, not necessarily for you to provide a solution but just to listen.
Guest Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 Thanks for the response Magnatolia. Concerning my coworker, I did actually follow her around the whole time. I felt that was the caring thing to do, but now realize it was the wrong thing to do. I do not stare at her a lot. I think that is a good point about not raising her problems with her. However, when I see her upset I don't press her on what is wrong. I merely tell her that I am there for her if she needs someone to vent to. She did mention to me a long time ago that instead of sending her e-maills in which I say what is going on with me and asking her how she is, she prefers I send her e-mails about exciting things happening in my life. Apparently, she feels that she must answer anything I ask her, even though she certainly does not have to. Yet, I find it selfish if I don't show concern for her and merely talk about myself. How can I show her I care without making her uncomfortable? She also mentioned once that she is afraid of getting too close to any person because that person could have too much control over her. After hardly talking, she did mention to me about a week and a half ago about running an errand together during our lunch hour. She had e-mailed me on a Monday and said that the following day she would get back to me about when we could go out at lunch time. She never got back to me so I did not pursue it. I do know that she is swamped with work. However, Monday she brought in a booklet of paint colors for me since she knows I am getting my apartment painted. When I told her today that I decided on colors and wanted her opinion, she said that she would like to see my choices. I really would like to go out with her at lunch time again, but have avoided asking her since I don't know how she will react. All I want is a friendship. I think what scared her previously was my suggesting going out occasionaly as friends outside of work hours. How should I approach the going out at lunch time question with her? Thanks.
blue16 Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I read somewhere once that women talk to other people about their problems, not necessarily for you to provide a solution but just to listen. Very true.
nancyleeh Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 There is no set amount of time anyone can say is good to keep a friendship together but if she is telling you she feels crowded, what ever that means to her, then take her at her word. How about waiting for her to ask you to lunch the next time rather than trying to figure out how soon to ask her. That way you are sure you won't be crowding her. nancyleeh
Yamaha Posted April 20, 2007 Posted April 20, 2007 She sees your attention as wanting more than friendship and she is ONLY interested in a casual friendship with you. If you continue crowding her and being to aggressive she will end your friendship. You may or may not have any interest other than being friends ( but since you are posting this I believe you have other interests in her ) but she has the perception of you wanting more so you need to play it cool for a time and don't spend so much time with her.
Zona76 Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 I feel she may fear you getting an attachment to her. I can have my husband follow me around when I shop for items at a department store... but even then I prefer to read lables and ingredients on my own. The shopping situation was possibly a bit much! Perhaps expand yourself to find new friends. Friends in the work place are often misunderstood.
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