loser_magnet Posted December 4, 2002 Posted December 4, 2002 I recognize that my past relationships have been with losers. I've spent much time trying to delve into and identify what qualities I'm attracted to, and why I consistently end up with losers (dishonest, can't commit, misrepresent themselves etc). Unfortunately, there aren't a whole lot of "non-losers" left. I recently met a guy who is giving me some concern. He's 38 years old. Says he hasn't had a serious relationship (or one at all) for the past 10 years. Why? Said his ex from 10 yrs ago cheated on him and he's been afraid ever since, plus he's shy. (he doesn't seem shy). A lot of our conversations include him telling me dozens of stories about when he was supposedly younger, and how he liked to "party hard" and get drunk.....that almost anything in life was a good excuse to "get drunk." He claims he's not like that now. ?? He admits to spending a fair bit of time, at the local pubs in town...that he just goes in there to have dinner (by himself) and drinks and to talk to the bartenders and barmaids. He says he does this 'cause he used to manage a bar when he was younger, so he can "relate" to pub staff really well. ??? Seems that a lot of his close female friends are 21-23 year old waitresses/bar maids, though he claims he doesn't date them. He tells me stories about his good buddies..and how most of them have been shacked up with "psycho women"...and he tells me the stories about these psycho women. Doesn't seem like he's got any quality friends who have normal lives or marriages....that they all just shack up with one chick, then another, kids are involved, then things go bad. His buddies getting accused of abuse, having anger problems, etc. Me, on the other hand, I have seemingly normal friends. Sure, everyone has problems but my friends' lives pale in comparison to the chaotic dramas that go on in his friends' lives. He claims he never got his driver's license til he was 25, because he just didn't "have to"...because his friends all had cars and they would just always drive. He states he DID, however, drive a lot, even without a license (and never got caught. How impressive). He's been in a few accidents (driving), and on his last vehicle, due to his accident history, his car insurance was $400 a MONTH. His last vehicle, a 98 Jeep Cherokee (that he was leasing), he apparently "hit ice" on a nice day in the winter...and the jeep was written off. He now drives a $500 rust bucket 1983 Toyota Tercel that he admits is a hunk of junk. We've got plans to do something Friday night and he says to me something to the effect of, "my car is embarassing so we'll use your car all the time." (which I told him "NO"). He's 38 years old. For years, he had a very high paying job working in the oil field. He doesn't seem to have anything to show for it. I suspect he still likes to drink and party lots. I've tried telling him that maybe I'm not the woman for him because I outgrew the drinking/partying phase back in my mid twenties, and that I can think of better things to do now than kill brain cells. *I* am more focused on home and the future, not on going out on weekends to get plastered. He jokingly implied that I'm a 'square.' I'm not a square, I'm 36 years old and I have different priorities. I have the occasional drink but I don't "aim to get drunk" when I go out. He tells me many stories about how, over the past couple of years, he'll go to these local watering holes and be too drunk to drive home, so the barmaids will give him a ride. That's special, but he's 38 years old. That's swell that he's not drinking and driving, but aren't there better things to do in life on the weekend? To me there are. He attributes this all to "being single".....saying that if he "had someone special in his life", he wouldn't do these things. I'm not sure I buy that. The real show stopper, for me, is that he smokes weed. I'm not a prude and I did that in my early twenties ( a bit), but I sure wouldn't touch the stuff now. I asked him WHY he does, he says he uses it occasionally, something about it "being a crutch because he's single and lonely." He jokingly asked if he'd be allowed to smoke it around me (I guess like if I'm at his place), I told him emphatically, NO. He "says" he only smokes it occasionally (whatever that means) but I kind of doubt it. I'm betting it's more of a daily thing. That is a huge turn off to me. Until such times that it's not illegal, I want no part of it. I don't want to be in the home of someone who has drugs, period, even if it's something as seemingly insignificant as weed (like, compared to coke or whatever). He does have good qualities, though. He's smart, a good conversationalist, seems honest, has his own home, seems to have some direction in his life (goals), is down to earth..........but my gut believes that he's just too immature for his age. Most guys I know at age 38 are married with 3 kids and lots of responsibility. This guy, I believe, still very much lives like he's 23 years old and not a care in the world...who loves getting drunk. He might even have an alcohol problem for all I know. I suspect his pot usage is likely on a daily basis (though that's just my suspicion). What gets me is...nobody is perfect. I know I'm not going to find someone who's perfect. I'm not perfect. But how do I decide if this is someone I should forget about? I already have a feeling that he's going to be the kind of guy who's going to have problems with me because our idea of a "fun weekend" is so different. I suspect that his idea of a fun weekend would be to go over to a buddy's house and drink all night..whereas, mine would be to do something that doesn't even involve booze at all....like see a movie, fix something around the house, etc. He does seem to have a good heart, but hey, everyone does in the beginning...and having a good heart, I know, isn't always "everything".....lots of alcoholics/drug addicts have good hearts. What do you think? We're supposed to go out Friday night for the first time and I am having some serious reservations because I don't want to lead him on if my gut is telling me that he's not my type. I guess by virtue of the fact that I'm sitting here taking the time to write this, that should be a clue that I should probably follow my instincts. Your thoughts?
quankanne Posted December 4, 2002 Posted December 4, 2002 the guy sounds like a real sad-sack who is looking for someone who'll give him a shoulder to cry on. Don't let him suck the lifeblood out of you by giving him a chance to be your significant other. Friendship is one thing, a committed relationship is another! You'll only get heartache from someone like this, because nothing you do will ever supersede his dependency on alcohol and pot.
HokeyReligions Posted December 4, 2002 Posted December 4, 2002 sounds like you answered your own question -- he's not the one for you. Instead of wondering about him and wasting time on him, find someone else whose priorities match yours. It sounds like this guy spends too much time reliving his past. There are a dozen reasons I can think of why someone would do that, and none of them are good.
Debster Posted December 5, 2002 Posted December 5, 2002 Question is, why would you even consider getting together with him - as a friend or more? Clearly you have no respect for his decisions or him as a person. Don't settle. Find someone where you have similar goals and priorities.
Stuck Posted December 5, 2002 Posted December 5, 2002 You sound like you're really annoyed with him, and you haven't even had one date with him! These issues will eventually destroy the relationship anyway - so maybe it's better to throw your line back in the waters and see if you can't catch something better.
Recommended Posts